Update…over 3 years
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Hello everyone, I hope that you are all putting yourselves first, easier said than done I know, and that you have found some support. You need to do both these things to survive, as it is, by far, the worst thing to have to experience, as it is so isolating. A wound, so deep and caused by the person you love, leaving you with immense trauma and grief, which you have to manage and survive, sometimes without the loving support of all those around you, friends family and strangers, to help and join in with the mourning of your loss and to give you the support you so desperately need.
I am now over 3 years from the vigilante sting, Facebook livestream and arrest. We separated straight away, but I supported him as a friend. I could never see a way forward for us as I knew I couldn’t trust him again. It transpired he had also been visiting random women and sex workers, I had no idea. Despite his history and no attraction to children, he broke the law by engaging with someone who at some stage said they were 13 yo, on an adult chat room, he didn’t think they were that age, and of course they weren’t! However, that is no defence so he pleaded guilty. He was sentenced to 26 months in prison, which was a shock for all, and he served 14 months inside. He has been out now for 5 months, he Is now living many miles away rebuilding his life. He has a much younger girlfriend, a flat, and has at last found work, not as good a job as before, but at least it is a job. Meanwhile I am left in our old life, still picking up the many pieces. I had a truly awful time, but it has got easier.
Generally I cope pretty well, as I have been fortunate to have the support of friends and family. I’m not sure I would have had that had I stayed with him. I have found a new happiness, not the same, very different and not what I had planned or would ever have wanted, but I make the best of it. I have no choice. I had therapy for a few months, to help me understand and process my new world, and I read many books and watched many videos so I was more informed. I have been shocked by many things on this journey, and by all professionals, and try to campaign quietly for change. I think things will change, they have to, but it is very slow and frustrating. I have learnt how to live mindfully, and try and not focus on the past, which I can do nothing to change, and not to worry about the future, as I can tend to catastrophise, as the future is not guaranteed to any of us, as the sudden death of my brother last year showed me.
However, life is still not easy at times, I don’t think it will ever be if I’m honest. I still occasionally get knocked off kilter by a trigger or memory or by a big decision that I have to make alone. I also do not think I will ever trust a man again, I observe men in my life and see some traits that make me wonder about why it is that society continues to shape people into less than their best.
Sorry, that turned into a ramble! But I do think of you all, and pop onto the forum occasionally.
xxx
I am now over 3 years from the vigilante sting, Facebook livestream and arrest. We separated straight away, but I supported him as a friend. I could never see a way forward for us as I knew I couldn’t trust him again. It transpired he had also been visiting random women and sex workers, I had no idea. Despite his history and no attraction to children, he broke the law by engaging with someone who at some stage said they were 13 yo, on an adult chat room, he didn’t think they were that age, and of course they weren’t! However, that is no defence so he pleaded guilty. He was sentenced to 26 months in prison, which was a shock for all, and he served 14 months inside. He has been out now for 5 months, he Is now living many miles away rebuilding his life. He has a much younger girlfriend, a flat, and has at last found work, not as good a job as before, but at least it is a job. Meanwhile I am left in our old life, still picking up the many pieces. I had a truly awful time, but it has got easier.
Generally I cope pretty well, as I have been fortunate to have the support of friends and family. I’m not sure I would have had that had I stayed with him. I have found a new happiness, not the same, very different and not what I had planned or would ever have wanted, but I make the best of it. I have no choice. I had therapy for a few months, to help me understand and process my new world, and I read many books and watched many videos so I was more informed. I have been shocked by many things on this journey, and by all professionals, and try to campaign quietly for change. I think things will change, they have to, but it is very slow and frustrating. I have learnt how to live mindfully, and try and not focus on the past, which I can do nothing to change, and not to worry about the future, as I can tend to catastrophise, as the future is not guaranteed to any of us, as the sudden death of my brother last year showed me.
However, life is still not easy at times, I don’t think it will ever be if I’m honest. I still occasionally get knocked off kilter by a trigger or memory or by a big decision that I have to make alone. I also do not think I will ever trust a man again, I observe men in my life and see some traits that make me wonder about why it is that society continues to shape people into less than their best.
Sorry, that turned into a ramble! But I do think of you all, and pop onto the forum occasionally.
xxx
Hi Tabs
It is always good to hear from you, you give such valuable and important updates as to how things have been for you
I am so glad you are rebuilding a new normal even though it still has its moments you are doing the best you can.
This journey certainly is one of the most traumatic experiences we will ever have to go through, only people who are on this fully understand
I am pleased that you are doing ok and send hugs xx
It is always good to hear from you, you give such valuable and important updates as to how things have been for you
I am so glad you are rebuilding a new normal even though it still has its moments you are doing the best you can.
This journey certainly is one of the most traumatic experiences we will ever have to go through, only people who are on this fully understand
I am pleased that you are doing ok and send hugs xx
Hi Tabs,
Thanks for sharing, I am glad you've come out the other side and are happy, albeit different to where you thought you would be.
I am early on so emotions are all over the place, I want to stand by my OH but it's so hard.
I am seeking help through therapy but could you share what books you read to help you.
Sending love x
Thanks for sharing, I am glad you've come out the other side and are happy, albeit different to where you thought you would be.
I am early on so emotions are all over the place, I want to stand by my OH but it's so hard.
I am seeking help through therapy but could you share what books you read to help you.
Sending love x
Hi Tabs
As always, so eloquently said. It is always good to hear from you . You invested so much time and support for you exhusband, I hope he reflects and acknowledges your support and realises that if it wasn't for your support and lets face it sacrifices, (because I'm sure you would have had some to support him the way you did), he wouldn't be where he is today.
I continue to wish you well Tabs and hope that your new normal will be even happier as time goes by.
maij x
As always, so eloquently said. It is always good to hear from you . You invested so much time and support for you exhusband, I hope he reflects and acknowledges your support and realises that if it wasn't for your support and lets face it sacrifices, (because I'm sure you would have had some to support him the way you did), he wouldn't be where he is today.
I continue to wish you well Tabs and hope that your new normal will be even happier as time goes by.
maij x
Hey Tabs,
Thanks for checking in. I'm sorry to learn about your brother and that you still have difficulties. I don't think anybody can fully forget and move on from this, it may get easier but certain traumas will always be remembered however I'm pleased you are finding your way and moving on.
Sending love xxx
Thanks for checking in. I'm sorry to learn about your brother and that you still have difficulties. I don't think anybody can fully forget and move on from this, it may get easier but certain traumas will always be remembered however I'm pleased you are finding your way and moving on.
Sending love xxx
Hi Tabs,
Thank you for posting and sorry to hear about your brother.
I have also decided not to stay with my partner. It's early days but I dread the day that I find out he is with someone else. Does your ex's new partner know about his past? I often wonder why a woman would get involved with someone with our ex's histories?
I'm pleased to hear that you have been able to move on with your life x
Thank you for posting and sorry to hear about your brother.
I have also decided not to stay with my partner. It's early days but I dread the day that I find out he is with someone else. Does your ex's new partner know about his past? I often wonder why a woman would get involved with someone with our ex's histories?
I'm pleased to hear that you have been able to move on with your life x
Thank you all for your kind words and support. This is a wonderful space and I certainly clung onto it for my life initially. There are many books, below are ones that I read. A website I used a lot for free on line courses, is ‘Bloom for women’, help for dealing with betrayal trauma is brilliant. Also Paula Hall forum for partners of sex addicts is good, as many of these crimes stem from a sex addiction. There are many women and men suffering in silence and seeking support, it was good to be discussing that instead of the crime, if that makes sense? How often do we have honest conversations with our friends about our sex lives? I talked to a group of female friends and everyone was shocked to find that only 1 couple was still having a sex life, and they were newly married (2nd marriages) As women we felt that was ok, at our age, but did the men feel the same? Mine was looking elsewhere for a thrill and didn’t want to be intimate with me, a result of porn, I know that now!
I would also recommend the website “the knock”, this was built fairly recently, that gives lots of recommendations, there is a lot out there if you know where to find it!
I discussed the lack of support with my GP, and he asked me to write a guidance note for his practice so they could signpost people. I did so gladly, if I can help just one more person it will be worthwhile.
Grief
Surviving the tsunami of grief
by Taee and McNicoll
Mindfullness
The power of now
by Eckhart Tolle
Think like a monk
by Jay Shetty
The art of happiness
by His holiness The Dalai Lama
And Howard C Cutler
Trauma
The body keeps the score
by Bessel van der kolk
What happened to you?
by Bruce D Perry and Oprah Winfrey
Couples
Hold me Tight
by Dr Sue Johnson
Sex Addiction
Sex addiction: the partners perspective
by Paula Hall
The Porn Myth
by Matt Fraddo
the Porn Trap
by Wendy maltz and Larry Maltz
In the realm of hungry ghosts
by Gabor Mate
xx
I would also recommend the website “the knock”, this was built fairly recently, that gives lots of recommendations, there is a lot out there if you know where to find it!
I discussed the lack of support with my GP, and he asked me to write a guidance note for his practice so they could signpost people. I did so gladly, if I can help just one more person it will be worthwhile.
Grief
Surviving the tsunami of grief
by Taee and McNicoll
Mindfullness
The power of now
by Eckhart Tolle
Think like a monk
by Jay Shetty
The art of happiness
by His holiness The Dalai Lama
And Howard C Cutler
Trauma
The body keeps the score
by Bessel van der kolk
What happened to you?
by Bruce D Perry and Oprah Winfrey
Couples
Hold me Tight
by Dr Sue Johnson
Sex Addiction
Sex addiction: the partners perspective
by Paula Hall
The Porn Myth
by Matt Fraddo
the Porn Trap
by Wendy maltz and Larry Maltz
In the realm of hungry ghosts
by Gabor Mate
xx
Tabs what you wrote described my situation completely. The random women, sex workers and then the contact with a minor who turned out to be a decoy. He thought it was an adult playing out a fantasy so went along with it. I do believe him when he says he is not attracted to children. God only knows why I choose to believe that particular part as everything else in our relationship has been a lie.
We are 4 months in from the knock stage. Haven't heard anything back yet but like your ex-partner I know mine will move, find a new much younger woman and continue with his life whilst I'm left to deal with the consequence of his betrayal and deceit.
Part of me just want to stay in this relationship because I think all men cheat and lie and I'm going to be alone and lonely at my age. Having said that, I feel alone and lonely now whilst I'm with him too BUT I'm not poor.........yet! That will happen when and if he loses his job. I'll wait and see what happens. I know this makes me sound so calculated but I'm thinking of me now just like he always thought about himself.
Maybe a life with financial security at this age is going to be the deciding factor and knowing exactly what I'm dealing with from now on?
Who knows!
wishing you all well x
We are 4 months in from the knock stage. Haven't heard anything back yet but like your ex-partner I know mine will move, find a new much younger woman and continue with his life whilst I'm left to deal with the consequence of his betrayal and deceit.
Part of me just want to stay in this relationship because I think all men cheat and lie and I'm going to be alone and lonely at my age. Having said that, I feel alone and lonely now whilst I'm with him too BUT I'm not poor.........yet! That will happen when and if he loses his job. I'll wait and see what happens. I know this makes me sound so calculated but I'm thinking of me now just like he always thought about himself.
Maybe a life with financial security at this age is going to be the deciding factor and knowing exactly what I'm dealing with from now on?
Who knows!
wishing you all well x
As always, thank you for the update.
I can't imagine how hard this journey must have been for you. From what you've shared of your story, the betrayal seems to have and adjustments seem to have been delivered in waves, this must have been very tough.
I do hope you regain trust in men, but whatever, I hope you are able to find happiness and contentment. Thank you for doing all you do and for sharing the media list with us.
I can't imagine how hard this journey must have been for you. From what you've shared of your story, the betrayal seems to have and adjustments seem to have been delivered in waves, this must have been very tough.
I do hope you regain trust in men, but whatever, I hope you are able to find happiness and contentment. Thank you for doing all you do and for sharing the media list with us.
Losteverything, sorry I didn't answer your question earlier. It's so difficult to answer when you can't read the question and rely on memory. Yes new girlfriend knows all about his history, Social Services and Probation made sure of that! But they ok'd it. I too wonder why she'd take the risk, it would be easier to understand if she had known him for years. I try not to think about it. He has to make his own life and live with his maybe poor decisions, I am not responsible for him, even though I think he'd like me always to be there to watch his back. 'Cake and eat it comes to mind'. I have to put myself first now. We both need to rebuild.
RIG22, thank you for sharing, yes, sounds like our people have done similar things. So deeply hurtful. I can understand that you may chose to stay with him, particularly if finacially it makes sense. You have to put yourself first and do whatever you feel is right for you. As we all say, there is no right and wrong way to deal with this. Feelings can change daily. As my ex had to leave our home straight away, and immediately lost his job because of the Facebook streaming, he went a long way away, I was effectively abandoned by him, and I didn't respect him for that, it wasn't the man I thought I was married to for many years. So we didn't have a chance to even co-habit, I really resent the vigilantes for the way they destroy lives, not just of the offender, but the family. It's not right on any level. I wish you well going forward.
xxx
RIG22, thank you for sharing, yes, sounds like our people have done similar things. So deeply hurtful. I can understand that you may chose to stay with him, particularly if finacially it makes sense. You have to put yourself first and do whatever you feel is right for you. As we all say, there is no right and wrong way to deal with this. Feelings can change daily. As my ex had to leave our home straight away, and immediately lost his job because of the Facebook streaming, he went a long way away, I was effectively abandoned by him, and I didn't respect him for that, it wasn't the man I thought I was married to for many years. So we didn't have a chance to even co-habit, I really resent the vigilantes for the way they destroy lives, not just of the offender, but the family. It's not right on any level. I wish you well going forward.
xxx