Worried my daughter will never recover
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Hi everyone, this is my first post and it comes with a trigger warning of suicide so please don't read if that as something that will be harmful to you. This is quite long but I feel I need to get it out as i'm not in a good way.
My ex-husband and I split up around 12 years ago. We have a 13 year old daughter together. We are both since remarried.
I had a horrible relationship with him as I always knew what he was upto (cheating) but didn't have any proof. It used to drive me insane, and I became a different toxic person because of it all. Finally after years of him gaslighting me and telling me that I was being silly or crazy I found all the proof. In one day I found his alternate email addresses and social media. I found stuff going back years, pretty much from the start of our relationship. It was intense sexual things (not illegal), obvious physical encounters he'd had ontop of the 100s upon 100s of sexually explicit conversations and photo sharing he'd had with women, trans women and men. I had no idea he was into men as he was quite homophobic (which we used to argue about as I hated it when he made 'jokes') but he said he wasn't gay or bi, that he was just in a dark place and it spiralled and nothing could 'quench his thirst' so to speak. I tried staying with him but after a few months I left him and took me and my daughter back home across the other side of the country.
As much as I hated him I didn't want to get in the way of his relationship with his daughter. So he saw her as much as he wanted, he picked her up every other wkd, we took xmas in turns, and shared holidays and he was in mostly regular contact and paid his way etc. It worked for us both and for the most part it was amicable apart from when he'd try controlling me again or gaslighting and then i'd feel like I was back at square one. I got on with his wife, she was a great step mum and there was no issues there.
A month ago, the police ring me out of the blue and say that social services would be getting involved and that he had been arrested. They wouldn't tell me anything and I had to guess what they were talking about but even then had no idea it could be what it was. I then spoke to his wife who said that the police had raided the house at 2am and arrested him but she had no idea what for. She told me the social services had interviewed her child too(from a previous relationship, not with my ex husband) and seized all of the devices. At this point I had a prettly clear inkling it was something to do with indecent images/conversations. He was RUI the next day and told his wife that he was in a dark place, it spiralled etc and that he told the police that they would find a lot more on his devices, he also told her that that would come out too. He assured her that he never did anything with our girls, and there's nothing of them on the devices and that it was just about the fantasy and depravity of it all.
I then had to sit my poor child down and tell her why she wouldn't be seeing him and if she did it would be supervised. I tried to keep it as age appropriate as possible but said along the lines of 'daddy loves you, he's had problems with looking at stuff on the internet, some of that involves young children and that's a crime'.
3 days after that he took his own life. I then had to sit down and tell my kid that. I've never known pain and protection like that in my life. If I could have scooped her up and put her back in my womb I would have! I just wanted to protect her from all of it. Its the hardest thing ive ever done in my life and my heart actually aches with what shes about to go through. I stupidly googled afterwards and so many sites and research said that children bereaved by suicide are 3 x more likely to do it themselves, or suffere really adverse mental health conditions. I'm in pieces and i'll definitely get her into therapy early next year and for myself too.
I'm so sad for my kid, for his wife and his stepdaughter. They are all innocent in this and they had no inkling at all that he was doing all of this stuff. I'm angry, really angry and I know that's natural but it feels all consuming at this point! I'm so angry at him, but i'm also so sad for him which is so conflicting.
But the main point of all this is i'm terrified this will mess my child up for life. Even with (hopefully) strong, compassionate parenting, and early intervention with therapy etc I worry that this will take her over.
Sorry for such a long story, and sorry if it's triggering to people. I know its heavy.
Thanks x
My ex-husband and I split up around 12 years ago. We have a 13 year old daughter together. We are both since remarried.
I had a horrible relationship with him as I always knew what he was upto (cheating) but didn't have any proof. It used to drive me insane, and I became a different toxic person because of it all. Finally after years of him gaslighting me and telling me that I was being silly or crazy I found all the proof. In one day I found his alternate email addresses and social media. I found stuff going back years, pretty much from the start of our relationship. It was intense sexual things (not illegal), obvious physical encounters he'd had ontop of the 100s upon 100s of sexually explicit conversations and photo sharing he'd had with women, trans women and men. I had no idea he was into men as he was quite homophobic (which we used to argue about as I hated it when he made 'jokes') but he said he wasn't gay or bi, that he was just in a dark place and it spiralled and nothing could 'quench his thirst' so to speak. I tried staying with him but after a few months I left him and took me and my daughter back home across the other side of the country.
As much as I hated him I didn't want to get in the way of his relationship with his daughter. So he saw her as much as he wanted, he picked her up every other wkd, we took xmas in turns, and shared holidays and he was in mostly regular contact and paid his way etc. It worked for us both and for the most part it was amicable apart from when he'd try controlling me again or gaslighting and then i'd feel like I was back at square one. I got on with his wife, she was a great step mum and there was no issues there.
A month ago, the police ring me out of the blue and say that social services would be getting involved and that he had been arrested. They wouldn't tell me anything and I had to guess what they were talking about but even then had no idea it could be what it was. I then spoke to his wife who said that the police had raided the house at 2am and arrested him but she had no idea what for. She told me the social services had interviewed her child too(from a previous relationship, not with my ex husband) and seized all of the devices. At this point I had a prettly clear inkling it was something to do with indecent images/conversations. He was RUI the next day and told his wife that he was in a dark place, it spiralled etc and that he told the police that they would find a lot more on his devices, he also told her that that would come out too. He assured her that he never did anything with our girls, and there's nothing of them on the devices and that it was just about the fantasy and depravity of it all.
I then had to sit my poor child down and tell her why she wouldn't be seeing him and if she did it would be supervised. I tried to keep it as age appropriate as possible but said along the lines of 'daddy loves you, he's had problems with looking at stuff on the internet, some of that involves young children and that's a crime'.
3 days after that he took his own life. I then had to sit down and tell my kid that. I've never known pain and protection like that in my life. If I could have scooped her up and put her back in my womb I would have! I just wanted to protect her from all of it. Its the hardest thing ive ever done in my life and my heart actually aches with what shes about to go through. I stupidly googled afterwards and so many sites and research said that children bereaved by suicide are 3 x more likely to do it themselves, or suffere really adverse mental health conditions. I'm in pieces and i'll definitely get her into therapy early next year and for myself too.
I'm so sad for my kid, for his wife and his stepdaughter. They are all innocent in this and they had no inkling at all that he was doing all of this stuff. I'm angry, really angry and I know that's natural but it feels all consuming at this point! I'm so angry at him, but i'm also so sad for him which is so conflicting.
But the main point of all this is i'm terrified this will mess my child up for life. Even with (hopefully) strong, compassionate parenting, and early intervention with therapy etc I worry that this will take her over.
Sorry for such a long story, and sorry if it's triggering to people. I know its heavy.
Thanks x
I'm so sorry to read this. Definitely seek counselling for the both of you, maybe StopSo can put you in touch with someone who specialises in this situation?
keep talking to each other, and if she's not ready just gently let her know you're there for when she's ready and experiencing lots of different emotions are normal.
There is a big thing on mental health in schools at the moment so talk to her about how her dads mental health made him feel that there was no way back but of course there is and how its important it is to talk to you, a school counsellor etc.
Eventually, could you meet his wife and her daughter and do something nice together for the kids.
thinkinh of you both x
keep talking to each other, and if she's not ready just gently let her know you're there for when she's ready and experiencing lots of different emotions are normal.
There is a big thing on mental health in schools at the moment so talk to her about how her dads mental health made him feel that there was no way back but of course there is and how its important it is to talk to you, a school counsellor etc.
Eventually, could you meet his wife and her daughter and do something nice together for the kids.
thinkinh of you both x
Lost123 - thank you so much for replying. I appreciate it. It's been the most traumatic time of our lives and it feels like we're living minute to minute at the mo.
I feel for his wife so much as at least I had an inkling to what he was capable of whereas she has been completely blindsided.
She lives 4 hours away from us but we went up to see her before the funeral and had a cuppa and a cuddle. My daughter then stayed with her for a few days after the funeral. I think they all needed that.
the school have been mostly great. My daughter doesn't want to speak to the well-being officer there but today the well-being officer contacted me to ask if my daughter would be interested in being referred into a project where a trauma practitioner comes to the school with a dog and they leave the school and go for an hour long walk. My kid said she loved the sound of that so I've given the green light for that referral to go ahead. I hope it helps.
i hasn't heard of stopso so will have a look now, I've also read those blog posts. They're wonderfully written and are a great source of help thank you!! I'll pass them onto his wife too when she's feeling a bit more upto it all.
thank you so much
x
I feel for his wife so much as at least I had an inkling to what he was capable of whereas she has been completely blindsided.
She lives 4 hours away from us but we went up to see her before the funeral and had a cuppa and a cuddle. My daughter then stayed with her for a few days after the funeral. I think they all needed that.
the school have been mostly great. My daughter doesn't want to speak to the well-being officer there but today the well-being officer contacted me to ask if my daughter would be interested in being referred into a project where a trauma practitioner comes to the school with a dog and they leave the school and go for an hour long walk. My kid said she loved the sound of that so I've given the green light for that referral to go ahead. I hope it helps.
i hasn't heard of stopso so will have a look now, I've also read those blog posts. They're wonderfully written and are a great source of help thank you!! I'll pass them onto his wife too when she's feeling a bit more upto it all.
thank you so much
x
Hi Jayjay
Thank you so much for replying. You're right all I can do is continue talking to her and just answering any questions she might have. That's a nice idea about doing something with his wife and my kids stepsister. Maybe early next year we can organise something to do all together. She's such a lovely person and doesn't deserve any of this bless her :(
thank you for your support. I feel better now just vocalising how I feel too xx
Thank you so much for replying. You're right all I can do is continue talking to her and just answering any questions she might have. That's a nice idea about doing something with his wife and my kids stepsister. Maybe early next year we can organise something to do all together. She's such a lovely person and doesn't deserve any of this bless her :(
thank you for your support. I feel better now just vocalising how I feel too xx
Alptraum
I am so so sorry to read your post and how brave of you to do so.
I dont have any advice and only support what the other lovely ladies have said
I hope you and your daughter get some help and support and also for his second wife and step daughter
It was good that you have been able to meet up and talk ,
Your daughter is very lucky to have such a strong mum and a good a network of love and strength around her
Sending hugs xx
I am so so sorry to read your post and how brave of you to do so.
I dont have any advice and only support what the other lovely ladies have said
I hope you and your daughter get some help and support and also for his second wife and step daughter
It was good that you have been able to meet up and talk ,
Your daughter is very lucky to have such a strong mum and a good a network of love and strength around her
Sending hugs xx
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Sending you love and strength xx
Reading your post broke my heart for you. All I can say is that your daughter seems in good hands with you. The way you speak about wanting to love and protect her will be one of the strongest things you can do for her. Xx
So sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for your daughter. So many innocent victims in these crimes and the fallout lasts years xx
I've just joined here after a traumatic visit from my daughter.Our stories are fairly similar,although years after suicide,my daughter has been having flashbacks from her childhood.She is messed up,and only beginning therapy.As a mum,I don't know how best to be of any use to her.I feel I've failed to protect my child...