4 days since my world imploded
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The police came four days ago early in the morning, just after we had had a lovely few days with the kids over Easter holidays. We have been married for 20 years and have four children.
I’m totally in shock. He is an excellent father.. on the exterior a totally devoted family man. And yet I’ve now discovered he is also a total monster.. images, grooming..all online stuff that he kept hidden for me over the entire course of our marriage.
He has moved out and I’ve gone into total solutions mode.. have organised an appointment with a family lawyer, taken control over all our finances, arranged counselling with the GP, looked into moving house and changing our names (mine and kids).
In the middle of this I’m barely sleeping or eating, trying to get my head how exactly I’m going to be able to work my pressured full time job as a single mum, realising I will struggle with everything related to childcare from now on, worries about how we will cope financially if/when he goes to jail. It’s just incomprehensible and I’m trying to stay string for my kids whilst wanting to curl into a tiny ball and cry for the life I thought I had.,
I don’t believe he has abused our children or touched any other children but clearly what he has done is disgusting and unforgivable. If I thought that then I’d ban him from any further contact. As it is, I am trying to strike a balance between wanting to throw things at him, and ensuring that my kids retain some sort of relationship ship with the father they have loved. It’s not their fault and I don’t want to devastate their lives.. so we are arranging supervised contact. I’m so angry that he has thrown away not only his life but ours for a sick and illegal fantasy. That we mattered so little that he was prepared to risk it all. And that he married me and had kids with me knowing what he was.
And of course I’m now petrified that people will find out. The police came in unmarked cars and I know nothing gets made public until they’ve properly investigated md it comes to trial.. which could be nearly a year.. but I’m dreading the shame and humiliation for me and the kids and the worry that people will point the finger and say I should have known. This is my town and my family home..,I don’t want to have to leave it but I don’t want anything to hang over my kids.
I’m taking steps to remove any reference to him or to me online, and to sever all ties between us on council tax, utilities etc. I don’t know what more I can do.
Just joined here as I can’t believe any of this is happening and I need to talk to others who are going through this. I’m still in disbelief. This is what happens to other people in tv dramas. How on earth could he have done this to us? It’s like he is two different people. I feel so stupid for not knowing.. but then how could I? He thought he was being very very clever in his attempts to conceal it.
Have other people changed their names? What other steps should I take to help reduce the risk of it leading back to my life/family home?
I’m totally in shock. He is an excellent father.. on the exterior a totally devoted family man. And yet I’ve now discovered he is also a total monster.. images, grooming..all online stuff that he kept hidden for me over the entire course of our marriage.
He has moved out and I’ve gone into total solutions mode.. have organised an appointment with a family lawyer, taken control over all our finances, arranged counselling with the GP, looked into moving house and changing our names (mine and kids).
In the middle of this I’m barely sleeping or eating, trying to get my head how exactly I’m going to be able to work my pressured full time job as a single mum, realising I will struggle with everything related to childcare from now on, worries about how we will cope financially if/when he goes to jail. It’s just incomprehensible and I’m trying to stay string for my kids whilst wanting to curl into a tiny ball and cry for the life I thought I had.,
I don’t believe he has abused our children or touched any other children but clearly what he has done is disgusting and unforgivable. If I thought that then I’d ban him from any further contact. As it is, I am trying to strike a balance between wanting to throw things at him, and ensuring that my kids retain some sort of relationship ship with the father they have loved. It’s not their fault and I don’t want to devastate their lives.. so we are arranging supervised contact. I’m so angry that he has thrown away not only his life but ours for a sick and illegal fantasy. That we mattered so little that he was prepared to risk it all. And that he married me and had kids with me knowing what he was.
And of course I’m now petrified that people will find out. The police came in unmarked cars and I know nothing gets made public until they’ve properly investigated md it comes to trial.. which could be nearly a year.. but I’m dreading the shame and humiliation for me and the kids and the worry that people will point the finger and say I should have known. This is my town and my family home..,I don’t want to have to leave it but I don’t want anything to hang over my kids.
I’m taking steps to remove any reference to him or to me online, and to sever all ties between us on council tax, utilities etc. I don’t know what more I can do.
Just joined here as I can’t believe any of this is happening and I need to talk to others who are going through this. I’m still in disbelief. This is what happens to other people in tv dramas. How on earth could he have done this to us? It’s like he is two different people. I feel so stupid for not knowing.. but then how could I? He thought he was being very very clever in his attempts to conceal it.
Have other people changed their names? What other steps should I take to help reduce the risk of it leading back to my life/family home?
You sound like you are having a hideous time. I know it is easy for me to say, but having had the knock in December I am a little way in front. First thing I would say is “slow down”. At the moment nobody knows anything and you have some time to get your thoughts together so don’t do anything rash. You will get a call from social services as you say you have kids - don’t panic, it will be fine - they can’t take your kids away from you and will be looking for signs of safety and it sounds like you currently don’t have your husband living with you and you are arranging supervised access. They will be happy with that.
i don’t know exactly what your husband has been accused of but there are all sorts of people on this forum with a whole heap of different experiences. Some of us choose to stay with our partners, some don’t. I have never seen anyone be judged on here due to their decisions so keep posting and asking questions. X
i don’t know exactly what your husband has been accused of but there are all sorts of people on this forum with a whole heap of different experiences. Some of us choose to stay with our partners, some don’t. I have never seen anyone be judged on here due to their decisions so keep posting and asking questions. X
It's a totally devestating experience and one that sadly if likely to be life changing. But I agree with big sigh slow down, there is no rush, do not do anything life changing just yet (moving or changing names). That's some of the best advice I was given 'do nothing life changing' while in a panic. The councelling is a great idea and you may feel you can't face it yet but talking to your partner is also a good idea to talk about exactly what he did, why and whats going to happen next. I think i felt my partner must be some kind of monster but he wasnt/isn't, people commit these types of crimes for all kinds of reason. It's well worth a call to the helpline if you haven't done that already, they are very helpful for guidance, support and advice. Social services will come to see you, but you have done nothing wrong so while it wont be pleasant it will be ok. It's a very hard thing finding out a secret side to your partner, mine made a horrendous decision one day that changed our lives in a terrible way but he had not viewed images, not harmed any child in real life or virtually, in the beginning i imagined he had done all kinds of horrible things, don't get me wrong what he did was awful (a sexual conversation with an adult who said they were a teenager) but its something we can deal with. For some it does turn out to be really bad for others its not. Charges, court, potential media issues is all a long way off, I know it's easier said than done but you do not need to panic about those things just yet.
Hi scared and sickened
I'm a year along in this horrific world but I recognise your total disbelief, disgust, panic and bewilderment. I did nearly the same as you, I immediately made a new will (my children are adults and luckily for me not his) within a month the house was on the market, I very quickly made the decision to not stay with him but as the initial shock with off I missed him terribly. I loved who I thought he was, not this completed stranger. I suppose a year on I do still miss the man I thought and I certainly miss our future, the security not only financially but emotionally too. I liked being married.
Unfortunately this process is really slow, the support minimal and I would echo poster with being careful about who you tell but please find someone who can support you, you will need someone to lean on.
My husband is now in prison, it wasn't reported in the media thank goodness, I've moved, I'm waiting for the divorce to be finalised and my world has changed beyond recognition.
Stay strong, the next few weeks will not be easy but keep coming in here and ring the helpline when you can, they really are brilliant.
Take care xx
I'm a year along in this horrific world but I recognise your total disbelief, disgust, panic and bewilderment. I did nearly the same as you, I immediately made a new will (my children are adults and luckily for me not his) within a month the house was on the market, I very quickly made the decision to not stay with him but as the initial shock with off I missed him terribly. I loved who I thought he was, not this completed stranger. I suppose a year on I do still miss the man I thought and I certainly miss our future, the security not only financially but emotionally too. I liked being married.
Unfortunately this process is really slow, the support minimal and I would echo poster with being careful about who you tell but please find someone who can support you, you will need someone to lean on.
My husband is now in prison, it wasn't reported in the media thank goodness, I've moved, I'm waiting for the divorce to be finalised and my world has changed beyond recognition.
Stay strong, the next few weeks will not be easy but keep coming in here and ring the helpline when you can, they really are brilliant.
Take care xx
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Just wanted to send my love and echo your not alone. The people on the forum are so caring and it will be okay, you can survive this.
its too early to make like changing decisions so slow down , it’s like a grief, recovery is slow, make yourself cups of tea go for walks in the country side and do some pampering and self care.
we didn’t deserve this trauma and we will survive. I love this forum, it’s been a huge support for me in a very difficult time.
beth lou xxx
its too early to make like changing decisions so slow down , it’s like a grief, recovery is slow, make yourself cups of tea go for walks in the country side and do some pampering and self care.
we didn’t deserve this trauma and we will survive. I love this forum, it’s been a huge support for me in a very difficult time.
beth lou xxx
At four days in, I was still in bed and wasn't eating or sleeping - I couldn't imagine making it to a week or a fortnight, let alone a month.
I'm not almost six weeks in (tomorrow) and don't get me wrong, things are NOT good. Things are hard, things are painful and everything feels unknown. And yet... I've made it this far. If I can make it to tomorrow, I've done six weeks, which is halfway to the end of the bail period set. We've found a new "normal", which allows us to function and to give the kids the attention and care that they need. He can't be unsupervised around them, but somehow we're getting by; the kids are still totally unaware that they're not being left with Daddy without supervision, and we've done so much over the last few weeks to give them some real quality time (memories) with Daddy, so that, if the worst happens, they don't have memories of a monster, but of the man who loves them.
I'm still early into my journey, but at four days, it's too raw to make any big decisions. My biggest piece of advice is this - think about your breathing. I thought I knew how to breathe, but I didn't - really take some time to breathe from your abdomen and focus on your breath. Xx
I'm not almost six weeks in (tomorrow) and don't get me wrong, things are NOT good. Things are hard, things are painful and everything feels unknown. And yet... I've made it this far. If I can make it to tomorrow, I've done six weeks, which is halfway to the end of the bail period set. We've found a new "normal", which allows us to function and to give the kids the attention and care that they need. He can't be unsupervised around them, but somehow we're getting by; the kids are still totally unaware that they're not being left with Daddy without supervision, and we've done so much over the last few weeks to give them some real quality time (memories) with Daddy, so that, if the worst happens, they don't have memories of a monster, but of the man who loves them.
I'm still early into my journey, but at four days, it's too raw to make any big decisions. My biggest piece of advice is this - think about your breathing. I thought I knew how to breathe, but I didn't - really take some time to breathe from your abdomen and focus on your breath. Xx
I am so sorry that yet another woman, another mother has had her life torn apart. My heart goes out to you.
I agree with everyone else has said about slowing down, taking things a day at a time, going with your feelings. But you can still do all of those things while thinking about what you need for a safe and secure future for you and your children.
My emotions are still all over the place nine weeks after the knock. I'm not sleeping and I'm overeating. I feel lost and heartbroken. But I also know I have to make changes to protect myself, professionally and financially. I'm fortunate that my child from my first marriage is now grown up, so social services haven't had to get involved.
I've changed my name, started divorce proceedings (because I've applied online my decree nisi is actually going to be prounounced in May, just two months after I applied), and have agreed a financial consent order with my husband so that I can protect myself financially and protect my son's future inheritance. I've done this because it's what I need to do to take back control of a situation in which I feel utterly powerless. My husband's behaviour has destroyed the trust I worked really hard to rebuild after the first knock, which came eight years ago. And I know I deserve to be treated better than being lied to for the whole of our relationship, even though it breaks my heart to think of a future without him.
The process we're all going through is grieving - grieving for the relationship we thought we had and the future we believed we would have. And there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Just allow yourself to feel what your mind and body need to feel. And do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children.
Sending virtual hugs.
J x
I agree with everyone else has said about slowing down, taking things a day at a time, going with your feelings. But you can still do all of those things while thinking about what you need for a safe and secure future for you and your children.
My emotions are still all over the place nine weeks after the knock. I'm not sleeping and I'm overeating. I feel lost and heartbroken. But I also know I have to make changes to protect myself, professionally and financially. I'm fortunate that my child from my first marriage is now grown up, so social services haven't had to get involved.
I've changed my name, started divorce proceedings (because I've applied online my decree nisi is actually going to be prounounced in May, just two months after I applied), and have agreed a financial consent order with my husband so that I can protect myself financially and protect my son's future inheritance. I've done this because it's what I need to do to take back control of a situation in which I feel utterly powerless. My husband's behaviour has destroyed the trust I worked really hard to rebuild after the first knock, which came eight years ago. And I know I deserve to be treated better than being lied to for the whole of our relationship, even though it breaks my heart to think of a future without him.
The process we're all going through is grieving - grieving for the relationship we thought we had and the future we believed we would have. And there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Just allow yourself to feel what your mind and body need to feel. And do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children.
Sending virtual hugs.
J x
I feel for you so much, but just as hellish as everything is right now, you will get through it, slowly and day by day. On reading your comment, I see so many similarities to what I felt and did some 7 months ago.
My knock came last September and the investigation is still ongoing. Sadly this horrible limbo is my daily life and the police did say it could take up to a year for foresics of kit to come back. I'm now a single mum going through divorce proceedings after 18 years of marriage, a marriage that I struggle to understand what it was I had. Like yourself I was and still am, sickened that we meant so little that any of these offences were even considered nevermind committed. Our 10 year old daughter has knows Daddy did something very silly and hurt Mummy deeply - she hasn't realised that the only time she ever sees Daddy is under my supervision - long may this continue. As you say, it's not the childrens fault but inadvertently we are left with something this is fearful, shameful, deceitful and morally and emotionally wrong on so many levels.
Please stay strong. Social Services were neither kind nor unkind towards me, just matter of fact and set out the restrictions. I had to wait nearly 2 weeks for them to contact me by which time I could smell my own fear - this is the first time I've ever had to deal with police/social services/family lawyers and it is all so scary but you know what, I cannot believe how strong I feel today.
Of course, there are other days where I struggle to get out of bed and my Dr has been so helpful, considerate and supportive. You will no doubt grieve and do allow yourself this. Remember you are not the person who has done any wrong here
Like the other ladies on here and the advice they have given you, do try and slow down - I remember my solicitor telling me exactly the same just a few weeks in. Solutions mode does give you some control but your energy is so easily zapped in this initial phase - I can't tell you how so incredibly sorry I feel for you.
The helpline are great - do pick up the phone when you have a moment.
virtual support and warmth being sent your way x
My knock came last September and the investigation is still ongoing. Sadly this horrible limbo is my daily life and the police did say it could take up to a year for foresics of kit to come back. I'm now a single mum going through divorce proceedings after 18 years of marriage, a marriage that I struggle to understand what it was I had. Like yourself I was and still am, sickened that we meant so little that any of these offences were even considered nevermind committed. Our 10 year old daughter has knows Daddy did something very silly and hurt Mummy deeply - she hasn't realised that the only time she ever sees Daddy is under my supervision - long may this continue. As you say, it's not the childrens fault but inadvertently we are left with something this is fearful, shameful, deceitful and morally and emotionally wrong on so many levels.
Please stay strong. Social Services were neither kind nor unkind towards me, just matter of fact and set out the restrictions. I had to wait nearly 2 weeks for them to contact me by which time I could smell my own fear - this is the first time I've ever had to deal with police/social services/family lawyers and it is all so scary but you know what, I cannot believe how strong I feel today.
Of course, there are other days where I struggle to get out of bed and my Dr has been so helpful, considerate and supportive. You will no doubt grieve and do allow yourself this. Remember you are not the person who has done any wrong here
Like the other ladies on here and the advice they have given you, do try and slow down - I remember my solicitor telling me exactly the same just a few weeks in. Solutions mode does give you some control but your energy is so easily zapped in this initial phase - I can't tell you how so incredibly sorry I feel for you.
The helpline are great - do pick up the phone when you have a moment.
virtual support and warmth being sent your way x