Dealing with life's adversities alone
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I'm 7 months into my person's 20 months sentence. Just under a year since I found out he'd been charged (or even found out that he was being investigated for anything).
Since he went away I've tried to only post when I'm feeling positive but I'm really struggling at the moment. I feel like I'm been in a constant state of anxiety, feeling sick, tired and full of self doubt, pain and sadness. Life's thrown some additional curve balls at me in recent months - They might have been self induced through not really thinking straight. Although my person and I are very fortunate that he's got a phone in his cell and we can talk often and he's doing absolutely everything he can to be supportive - It's putting a huge strain on our relationship. Not being able to look each other in the eye, read body language or having the physical, reassuring body contact is really, really hard. We both often feel very low and frustrated when talking. The strain prison puts on our relationship and those on the outside is immense. Sometimes I want to tell people what I'm going through so I'm given the same support and allowances others who are going through a tough time are given.
On top of that the decisions I'm being pushed to make, seperate to the offence are in themselves will have a huge impact on my life and my finances. I'm trying to look at solutions considering just me and whats best got me, but also what's best for both of us, but it's very hard to differentiate because he is part of my life and whatever I choose will impact me and is. I can't even talk to friends, because any advise they give is based on a false reality (they don't know we are together or what has happened). I'm trying to second guess what our life will be like together, what probation will and won't allow, stressing greatly about the decision I need to make. It's making me ill.
I know in someways I'm very fortunate and that many of you have had it far worse and had to keep up appearances for longer and had children to look after. It's just so hard and tiring.i just needed to offload.
I'm finding myself making excuses to not attend Christmas gatherings because I don't feel I can cope with any celebrations or forcing myself to put on a happy face. I am looking forward to the Christmas break though, this year has been a roller coaster and I've not really had much time to stop.
Since he went away I've tried to only post when I'm feeling positive but I'm really struggling at the moment. I feel like I'm been in a constant state of anxiety, feeling sick, tired and full of self doubt, pain and sadness. Life's thrown some additional curve balls at me in recent months - They might have been self induced through not really thinking straight. Although my person and I are very fortunate that he's got a phone in his cell and we can talk often and he's doing absolutely everything he can to be supportive - It's putting a huge strain on our relationship. Not being able to look each other in the eye, read body language or having the physical, reassuring body contact is really, really hard. We both often feel very low and frustrated when talking. The strain prison puts on our relationship and those on the outside is immense. Sometimes I want to tell people what I'm going through so I'm given the same support and allowances others who are going through a tough time are given.
On top of that the decisions I'm being pushed to make, seperate to the offence are in themselves will have a huge impact on my life and my finances. I'm trying to look at solutions considering just me and whats best got me, but also what's best for both of us, but it's very hard to differentiate because he is part of my life and whatever I choose will impact me and is. I can't even talk to friends, because any advise they give is based on a false reality (they don't know we are together or what has happened). I'm trying to second guess what our life will be like together, what probation will and won't allow, stressing greatly about the decision I need to make. It's making me ill.
I know in someways I'm very fortunate and that many of you have had it far worse and had to keep up appearances for longer and had children to look after. It's just so hard and tiring.i just needed to offload.
I'm finding myself making excuses to not attend Christmas gatherings because I don't feel I can cope with any celebrations or forcing myself to put on a happy face. I am looking forward to the Christmas break though, this year has been a roller coaster and I've not really had much time to stop.
Aww SAL
Just wanted to send you a huge hug x
It's so difficult and you have been so supportive to your person and he is extremely lucky you have you
You have to give yourself a break and it's ok to have down days , you are truly a positive person so please try to be kind to yourself xx
Not much advise I know but wanted to let you know you are not alone in this journey, xx
Just wanted to send you a huge hug x
It's so difficult and you have been so supportive to your person and he is extremely lucky you have you
You have to give yourself a break and it's ok to have down days , you are truly a positive person so please try to be kind to yourself xx
Not much advise I know but wanted to let you know you are not alone in this journey, xx
Ahhh sal we all have days like this, I had one a few days ago, it's so frustrating at times when you know all you want is a future with your person and to put all this behind you. You're nearly there, just think ahead when this is over and you're both together again you'll really appreciate eachother and what you have. I'm the same I just wish I could tell people what I'm going through so they understand and I'm also pulling away from doing anything but I've started forcing myself out to see friends, went out on a night out recently did me such the world of good. Big hugs, here for you xx
Sal
You are in such a difficult position and you have been so strong and supportive for your person. Although you are much less far into your relationship than I am in mine, I can really identify with your position because basically it's that there's so many unknowns and the resulting uncertainty of the future that's the issue. Like you, I have no idea what the future will look and feel like although I have the added complication of we haven't got to the trial yet! I worry about publicity even if found not guilty - I'm sure people will still judge. I have no idea how family and friends will react but based on the few who do know it doesn't bode well. Early indications are that I may have to chose between my partner and other close family members. And I have no idea of likely sentence an d what restrictions we might have and how I would cope with that if he is found guilty
To use a driving analogy, the visibility is poor, I can't see very far ahead at all, and so I can only go slowly, mile by mile, and deal with the journey one mile at a time. There's no point me thinking about the destination because its so far away, and I don't know what it's going to look like when I get there. I guess all I can do is switch on the music and enjoy the journey as much as I can. Find joy where I can. Get support from fellow passengers. Hope for the best.
Keep your chin up, you've done great so far. You will know what the next steps are when it's time to take them. Make some plans to have a quiet Christmas with people you love and who care about you.
You are in such a difficult position and you have been so strong and supportive for your person. Although you are much less far into your relationship than I am in mine, I can really identify with your position because basically it's that there's so many unknowns and the resulting uncertainty of the future that's the issue. Like you, I have no idea what the future will look and feel like although I have the added complication of we haven't got to the trial yet! I worry about publicity even if found not guilty - I'm sure people will still judge. I have no idea how family and friends will react but based on the few who do know it doesn't bode well. Early indications are that I may have to chose between my partner and other close family members. And I have no idea of likely sentence an d what restrictions we might have and how I would cope with that if he is found guilty
To use a driving analogy, the visibility is poor, I can't see very far ahead at all, and so I can only go slowly, mile by mile, and deal with the journey one mile at a time. There's no point me thinking about the destination because its so far away, and I don't know what it's going to look like when I get there. I guess all I can do is switch on the music and enjoy the journey as much as I can. Find joy where I can. Get support from fellow passengers. Hope for the best.
Keep your chin up, you've done great so far. You will know what the next steps are when it's time to take them. Make some plans to have a quiet Christmas with people you love and who care about you.
SAL,
I can't relate to your exact situation but I know you are a lovely person. It must be really difficult to get through this and I understand about hiding away, I've turned down some Xmas events myself just in case. I feel like being a part of this is so isolating, more than we realise because although people may not know what's gone on, you do and it doesn't always feel authentic to socialise and not be open about your situation. No matter how strong and independant we are, this really does take its toll on you. Is there no chance of visits? Xx
I can't relate to your exact situation but I know you are a lovely person. It must be really difficult to get through this and I understand about hiding away, I've turned down some Xmas events myself just in case. I feel like being a part of this is so isolating, more than we realise because although people may not know what's gone on, you do and it doesn't always feel authentic to socialise and not be open about your situation. No matter how strong and independant we are, this really does take its toll on you. Is there no chance of visits? Xx
Bitterbean,
I love your driving analogy! Nailed it for me x
I love your driving analogy! Nailed it for me x
Thanks Baffled!
I do tend to think in pictures... It helps.
I do tend to think in pictures... It helps.
I also love the driving analogy. Thank you Bitterbean. It really sums up our future.
Hi Sal,
Sorry to hear you're struggling. You have been such a great source of support for so many people on here, myself included.
Remember that all those feelings you have are totally warranted and you should be thinking of putting yourself first. But as you say what is best for you, when there is an 'us' in the equation, becomes hard to sense what you need over what you both may need.
I'm further down the road than you, my OH has been inside for over a year now, and only had a few months left. But I can tell you, as time goes on you do become more used to being apart. I'm trying to decide myself right now if it is him that I miss, or if it is just the lack of a partner full stop. In the beginning the lack of him felt so strong, whereas now, when I feel lonely, it is not always him I am longing for. We had been together 10 years before his sentence, so I never thought I'd hear myself say this to be honest.
I agree, prison makes having real conversations really difficult, he never wants to say anything too personal when his padmate is around, then if you do visit, you want to keep it cheerful.
Sorry to hear that life has thrown you over curve balls, not what you need!
It's always hard to give advice as everyone's situation and relationships differ so vastly. But all I can say is that I have finally come to terms with the idea that whatever our relationship was in the past, it will never be the same again. It may be rebuilt, or we may end up as friends, or not at all. Only living out the time will tell. I sometimes get angry with myself for even waiting as I'm still putting my life and my hopes on hold, the longer I decide not to move on. But then again, we can't be too harsh on ourselves I guess.
That prob didn't help much, but just wanted to reach out back to you, as you have been there for me in the past.
Sending hugs
X
Sorry to hear you're struggling. You have been such a great source of support for so many people on here, myself included.
Remember that all those feelings you have are totally warranted and you should be thinking of putting yourself first. But as you say what is best for you, when there is an 'us' in the equation, becomes hard to sense what you need over what you both may need.
I'm further down the road than you, my OH has been inside for over a year now, and only had a few months left. But I can tell you, as time goes on you do become more used to being apart. I'm trying to decide myself right now if it is him that I miss, or if it is just the lack of a partner full stop. In the beginning the lack of him felt so strong, whereas now, when I feel lonely, it is not always him I am longing for. We had been together 10 years before his sentence, so I never thought I'd hear myself say this to be honest.
I agree, prison makes having real conversations really difficult, he never wants to say anything too personal when his padmate is around, then if you do visit, you want to keep it cheerful.
Sorry to hear that life has thrown you over curve balls, not what you need!
It's always hard to give advice as everyone's situation and relationships differ so vastly. But all I can say is that I have finally come to terms with the idea that whatever our relationship was in the past, it will never be the same again. It may be rebuilt, or we may end up as friends, or not at all. Only living out the time will tell. I sometimes get angry with myself for even waiting as I'm still putting my life and my hopes on hold, the longer I decide not to move on. But then again, we can't be too harsh on ourselves I guess.
That prob didn't help much, but just wanted to reach out back to you, as you have been there for me in the past.
Sending hugs
X
Hi Sal, I'm so sorry that you are struggling at the moment. Whilst if don't know what you are going through, as you know I have been through the whole prison experience with my ex and faced some tough times. You come across as a strong, emotionally intelligent and empathetic woman in your posts, as such you will get through this, and be stronger and even better than before.
The only advice I can give, is make the most of this time when he is in prison, don't worry about when he comes out of you can help it. His actions and words will help you come to a decision as to whether you have a future together. Even if you do, put your needs first, do what makes you happy. That might be activities with him, but don't sacrifice yourself for someone who may not do the same for you. I look back and recognise that our relationship wasn't what I thought it was at the time, as does he. He said when we last spoke, that he was the 'child' in the relationship, I looked after him. It should have been an equal adult relationship with him equally as caring about my needs and desires. Hindsight ehh?!
Take care, I hope you are feeling more settled today. Keep in the moment, enjoy and focus on the good things in your life. xxxx
The only advice I can give, is make the most of this time when he is in prison, don't worry about when he comes out of you can help it. His actions and words will help you come to a decision as to whether you have a future together. Even if you do, put your needs first, do what makes you happy. That might be activities with him, but don't sacrifice yourself for someone who may not do the same for you. I look back and recognise that our relationship wasn't what I thought it was at the time, as does he. He said when we last spoke, that he was the 'child' in the relationship, I looked after him. It should have been an equal adult relationship with him equally as caring about my needs and desires. Hindsight ehh?!
Take care, I hope you are feeling more settled today. Keep in the moment, enjoy and focus on the good things in your life. xxxx
Tabs
That's a very thought provoking post, in the context that I have had to prod and cajole my partner to organise his legal defence. Perhaps I should stop "being his mum" and trying to look after him and start looking after me instead.
That's a very thought provoking post, in the context that I have had to prod and cajole my partner to organise his legal defence. Perhaps I should stop "being his mum" and trying to look after him and start looking after me instead.
Bitterbean - a friend said to me yesterday similar to me yesterday: He is an adult and needs to “deal” with the repercussions of his actions. You can’t do that for him.
SAL You've been so strong for so long, it's understandable to struggle sometimes. Maintaining a relationship in these circumstances is hard, even when you can see them. Almost impossible when you can't see each other. Have you tried counselling? After feeling strong for the first few weeks, I've struggled since my husband pleaded guilty and the wait for sentencing. I'm starting counselling soon, which I'm hoping will help me get my head a bit straighter. Do you need to make any decisions just now? Can it wait until you're feeling stronger?
SAL You've been so strong for so long, it's understandable to struggle sometimes. Maintaining a relationship in these circumstances is hard, even when you can see them. Almost impossible when you can't see each other. Have you tried counselling? After feeling strong for the first few weeks, I've struggled since my husband pleaded guilty and the wait for sentencing. I'm starting counselling soon, which I'm hoping will help me get my head a bit straighter. Do you need to make any decisions just now? Can it wait until you're feeling stronger?
I just wanted to say thank you for replying - It really did help. Sometimes just knowing you aren't alone and someone else can at least sort of understand. Whilst a couple of friends know and my parents, I don't think anyone can really understand how difficult and how much of an impact this situation can have, until you are in it.
BusyLizzie, it's nice yo hear from you. I've been thinking of you lately. Like you, I think only time will tell. I hope we make it. I hope we live a happy life. Whatever happens, I do feel strongly that I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable or have any desire to walk away. Whether we are a couple in years time or have nothing to do with each other, I do think for me the road to any healing is to continue to do what we are doing, leaving wouldn't bring me any peace.
I'm aware we are both having to try that little bit harder recently to communicate well. Give each other space and understanding. I do worry about how much will be left by the end, but I'm hopefully and trying hard to keep that alive.
I hope you are doing okay, I imagine these final few months bring with them lots of emotions.
BusyLizzie, it's nice yo hear from you. I've been thinking of you lately. Like you, I think only time will tell. I hope we make it. I hope we live a happy life. Whatever happens, I do feel strongly that I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable or have any desire to walk away. Whether we are a couple in years time or have nothing to do with each other, I do think for me the road to any healing is to continue to do what we are doing, leaving wouldn't bring me any peace.
I'm aware we are both having to try that little bit harder recently to communicate well. Give each other space and understanding. I do worry about how much will be left by the end, but I'm hopefully and trying hard to keep that alive.
I hope you are doing okay, I imagine these final few months bring with them lots of emotions.
Hi Sal, you sound content with your decision and confident that you're doing the right thing, taking it day by day. I admire your resolve, it is a tough decision to stay, probably harder than leaving in some ways.
Yes, the last months are hard, as in many ways I look forward to being able to see him more easily, but I know there will be many more difficult conversations to have. And I will worry about his safety initially at least. Plus it is going to be a big adjustment for us both. In a strange way, he has a routine where he is now, does some things which are fulfilling, eats healthily and uses the gym regularly - all of this must be having a positive impact on his mental health and will be harder to achieve once he's out to be honest.
Anyway, I am moving on from my current place of work next year, so that will be a relief too.
Yes, the last months are hard, as in many ways I look forward to being able to see him more easily, but I know there will be many more difficult conversations to have. And I will worry about his safety initially at least. Plus it is going to be a big adjustment for us both. In a strange way, he has a routine where he is now, does some things which are fulfilling, eats healthily and uses the gym regularly - all of this must be having a positive impact on his mental health and will be harder to achieve once he's out to be honest.
Anyway, I am moving on from my current place of work next year, so that will be a relief too.
I have been chatting to my counsellor again recently and it's funny as, just as I have persuaded myself of one course of action, as regards to the relationship, I chat it over with my counsellor and then change my mind!