sex life after this
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So sorry if TMI but just after advice from people who have stayed with their partner, on having a sex life after this.
I now have this image that all sex is dirty. Of course I know it's not, but he's spoilt it for us and I don't know how we can get that back.
If we try something new, even if I wear new underwear I'm thinking along the lines of will he want more, will he become desensitised and want more extravagant things which of course led him down that rabbit hole.
So I'm just not doing it and the longer it is, the more of a problem it's becoming in my head. He hasn't said anything or asking for it, he's been very reassuring that things will get better and how sorry he is x
I now have this image that all sex is dirty. Of course I know it's not, but he's spoilt it for us and I don't know how we can get that back.
If we try something new, even if I wear new underwear I'm thinking along the lines of will he want more, will he become desensitised and want more extravagant things which of course led him down that rabbit hole.
So I'm just not doing it and the longer it is, the more of a problem it's becoming in my head. He hasn't said anything or asking for it, he's been very reassuring that things will get better and how sorry he is x
Jayjay, no advice, just that my personal experience is this has ruined this for me, with him or indeed with anyone else. :(
This is one of the main reasons that I don't think my relationship will survive. Prior to this our differing labido's caused tension. Now I don't know if I will ever want intimacy again.
Thanks both. That's exactly what I thought. Guess I'm not alone and I don't know if we can survive either x
I'm pans**ual non binary person and even before this I said if me and my partner split I'd never date a cis man again.
Hi Jayjay,
I wasn't sure whether to comment on your post but I just wanted to share a different opinion in case it's what you want and and hope for - to be intimate with your partner again.
We are still in limbo but my partner and I maintain a healthy sex life and (un)surprisingly it is now better than before. I too had similar questions to you, if not worse, especially after the first time where I overthought every touch. I would stress that it is important to be in the right headspace before being intimate.
What has really saved us though were listening to a relationship podcast - Sam Tielemans. He mainly discusses betrayal as a result of pornography addiction but the thoughts/feelings still apply. I think two podcasts which would really help are: How to resolve her fears that prevent affection and, can sex with a spouse trigger pornography addiction? As he counsels couples, I find his podcasts to be supportive of women but also non-judgemental towards men (typically speaking). X
I wasn't sure whether to comment on your post but I just wanted to share a different opinion in case it's what you want and and hope for - to be intimate with your partner again.
We are still in limbo but my partner and I maintain a healthy sex life and (un)surprisingly it is now better than before. I too had similar questions to you, if not worse, especially after the first time where I overthought every touch. I would stress that it is important to be in the right headspace before being intimate.
What has really saved us though were listening to a relationship podcast - Sam Tielemans. He mainly discusses betrayal as a result of pornography addiction but the thoughts/feelings still apply. I think two podcasts which would really help are: How to resolve her fears that prevent affection and, can sex with a spouse trigger pornography addiction? As he counsels couples, I find his podcasts to be supportive of women but also non-judgemental towards men (typically speaking). X
Thanks Orchid I'll check them out x
Hi Jayjay,
Whilst I no its your post Jayjay I just want to sat thank you to orchid, because I am feeling like I am abnormal because my sex life is better than before, I think it's because we are living apart so we get it when we can, SORRY TMI but I see others who seem to be struggling I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I am sorry u r struggling Jayjay maybe it's because everything was done quite quickly compared to most, maybe u feel that now its all over with u r expected to just move on and that IS NOT THE CASE, I am 2 post sentencing and I still struggle with everything, worrying is he gonna go down that rabbit hole again, granted he only has a phone but we all no that to some that's all u need, again maybe I worry because I can't watch him 24/7.
I think all emotions although we think we have a handle on them, we don't and they can come back sometimes stronger than the first. Remember take it slow and build on things xx it will work if u want it too but if it doesn't at least u no u tried ( sorry if that comes across wrong )
Whilst I no its your post Jayjay I just want to sat thank you to orchid, because I am feeling like I am abnormal because my sex life is better than before, I think it's because we are living apart so we get it when we can, SORRY TMI but I see others who seem to be struggling I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I am sorry u r struggling Jayjay maybe it's because everything was done quite quickly compared to most, maybe u feel that now its all over with u r expected to just move on and that IS NOT THE CASE, I am 2 post sentencing and I still struggle with everything, worrying is he gonna go down that rabbit hole again, granted he only has a phone but we all no that to some that's all u need, again maybe I worry because I can't watch him 24/7.
I think all emotions although we think we have a handle on them, we don't and they can come back sometimes stronger than the first. Remember take it slow and build on things xx it will work if u want it too but if it doesn't at least u no u tried ( sorry if that comes across wrong )
That's good to know Dawn, that it can work. And there's definitely no 'normal' in all this I'm glad for you x
Jayjay were still two weeks from sentencing so not through it all yet , but me and my oh have still been intimate not as much as before maybe once a month because I just don't feel like it anymore but not going to lie the first time we did it again I actually cried lol everything was way too emotional too focused on if it would be different. At the moment I see it as why should he get sex when his done all this in the first place and have actually said if you have a porn addiction surely sex isn't the way forward at the moment. Maybe have a chat about it with him x