Have been meaning to write this for a long time, but wasn’t sure if I was ready. It may give others hope though, so here’s our story.
A normal Sunday afternoon getting tea ready and a knock on the door. Initially thought it was a cold caller. No such luck. My husband answered and it was the police who pretty much entered our house without permission as he was so shocked and confused with what was happening. They asked if they could have a quiet word with my husband, but I obviously came to see what was going on. Thankfully, our 6 year old was on their tablet so had no idea.
They asked if he could go with them to the station as they wanted to ask him a few questions about ‘sexual communication with a minor’ and if they could take his phone and laptop. At no point was he arrested and neither did they have a warrant. Being naive we just did what they asked and handed the equipment over.
He went voluntary to the station and he was gone or a few hours. I was so scared.
They dropped him off and he was RUI. He hadn’t even been arrested but was interviewed under caution and answered all their questions without a solicitor. They said that our IP had been reported and that when he was questioned they asked if he’d been on a chat room and showed screenshots. He denied it and I believed him, and still do!
All we could do was wait until the equipment was searched, but in the meantime, our lives were in chaos as SS were involved and he was suspended from work due to his profession. Our main priority was to keep this away from our child. The SS worker came round once a month and we just said she was a friend checking on how they were getting on at school etc. However, the stigma of a crime such as this had a huge affect on my husband as he was mortified what people may think. Thankfully, it was only his work that knew and they were brilliant.
We were confused as to how this had happened and requested our ISP give us access to our Internet history but they refused. We spoke to so many solicitors but they all said there was nothing we could do pro-actively as it was just a waiting game.
This lasted 10 months or so, and the OIC called one day out of the blue to say that the devices had been checked and nothing had been found. It came back NFA but we pushed to get an apology and something in writing but they refused. We're in in the Norfolk area, so I guess different forces behave differently?
We still have so many questions but the police are useless and provide no information as to how this had been brought to our door. If my husband maybe had a solicitor at the interview he may have been able to get more info, but we’ll never know.
All we could do was change ISP and update our WiFi password. Could it have been a genuine report of abuse but the victim reported an incorrect IP address?
I know our story is different from a lot of others on here, as most appear to admit their guilt straight away, but if your loved one denies any wrong-doing, there is hope that it will eventually be over.
This time last year was horrible, so we’re now looking forward to a stress-free Christmas, and I’m now so thankful (more so than ever) of what we have.
A normal Sunday afternoon getting tea ready and a knock on the door. Initially thought it was a cold caller. No such luck. My husband answered and it was the police who pretty much entered our house without permission as he was so shocked and confused with what was happening. They asked if they could have a quiet word with my husband, but I obviously came to see what was going on. Thankfully, our 6 year old was on their tablet so had no idea.
They asked if he could go with them to the station as they wanted to ask him a few questions about ‘sexual communication with a minor’ and if they could take his phone and laptop. At no point was he arrested and neither did they have a warrant. Being naive we just did what they asked and handed the equipment over.
He went voluntary to the station and he was gone or a few hours. I was so scared.
They dropped him off and he was RUI. He hadn’t even been arrested but was interviewed under caution and answered all their questions without a solicitor. They said that our IP had been reported and that when he was questioned they asked if he’d been on a chat room and showed screenshots. He denied it and I believed him, and still do!
All we could do was wait until the equipment was searched, but in the meantime, our lives were in chaos as SS were involved and he was suspended from work due to his profession. Our main priority was to keep this away from our child. The SS worker came round once a month and we just said she was a friend checking on how they were getting on at school etc. However, the stigma of a crime such as this had a huge affect on my husband as he was mortified what people may think. Thankfully, it was only his work that knew and they were brilliant.
We were confused as to how this had happened and requested our ISP give us access to our Internet history but they refused. We spoke to so many solicitors but they all said there was nothing we could do pro-actively as it was just a waiting game.
This lasted 10 months or so, and the OIC called one day out of the blue to say that the devices had been checked and nothing had been found. It came back NFA but we pushed to get an apology and something in writing but they refused. We're in in the Norfolk area, so I guess different forces behave differently?
We still have so many questions but the police are useless and provide no information as to how this had been brought to our door. If my husband maybe had a solicitor at the interview he may have been able to get more info, but we’ll never know.
All we could do was change ISP and update our WiFi password. Could it have been a genuine report of abuse but the victim reported an incorrect IP address?
I know our story is different from a lot of others on here, as most appear to admit their guilt straight away, but if your loved one denies any wrong-doing, there is hope that it will eventually be over.
This time last year was horrible, so we’re now looking forward to a stress-free Christmas, and I’m now so thankful (more so than ever) of what we have.
Jane_uary its lovely to hear how things have turned out for you. Although you've been through such a horrendous ordeal but now it's as if you've been given your life back. To start again and appreciate even more what you have.
I smiled when I got to the end of your post. Your outcome is a blessing and you have good times to look forward to.
Unfortunately, I don't see that for us. My OH did communicate with a minor (decoy) and has admitted it to me and the police. He's not attracted to minors. He did it because it was easy, he was bored and he could. I don't really know if I believe the "dark hole" theory. I think it's more a case of I can so I will and then they get caught out. I also realise that I'm over simplifying it but essentially that is what happened.
We are almost 5 months post the knock and I still have days when I'm so full of anger that we are all suffering because someone we loved and trusted could let us down so completely.
Wishing you all the happiness going forward. Have a lovely Xmas. All the best. X
I smiled when I got to the end of your post. Your outcome is a blessing and you have good times to look forward to.
Unfortunately, I don't see that for us. My OH did communicate with a minor (decoy) and has admitted it to me and the police. He's not attracted to minors. He did it because it was easy, he was bored and he could. I don't really know if I believe the "dark hole" theory. I think it's more a case of I can so I will and then they get caught out. I also realise that I'm over simplifying it but essentially that is what happened.
We are almost 5 months post the knock and I still have days when I'm so full of anger that we are all suffering because someone we loved and trusted could let us down so completely.
Wishing you all the happiness going forward. Have a lovely Xmas. All the best. X
Hi Jane-uar
We received The Knock back in June, same as you our ISP had been reported for downloading an IIOC on an app called KIK, OH was arrested an his mobile taken, he was interviewed under caution with a solicitor present and was advised to go No Comment, he was released on bail, can't live with us as we have 2 children and can't be around u18s on his own. Bizarrely we were allowed to go on a 2 week holiday to Turkey though. My OH said he had no idea why he had been arrested, SS were involved but after a quick meeting with us an the kids said they didn't need any further involvement also said they were constantly dealing with these kind of situations. OH was asked to return in October for a 2nd interview. No IIOC were found he didn't even have the KIK app so they said he must have deleted it !! No searches for anything illegal were found either. They did question him about a completely innocent video of our youngest son, on his holidays with no nappy on, they tried to suggest this was indecent!!! OIC rang me and I said we had several videos of our children running around not in nappys during potty training and he removed that from his investigation. What they did find is 3 daft videos that had been sent in a watsapp group along with hundreds of other videos and memes that were sent as jokes. So they have proceed to go with them!! Feels like a witch hunt tbh, they wouldn't give up until they could find something to try and charge him with.
It's with CPS now and can only hope that they apply some common sense and find NFA. OH is also suspended from work, just wish it could all be over and that we could enjoy our Christmas without all this continuing stress ????
We are in a similar situatiocn, we re
We received The Knock back in June, same as you our ISP had been reported for downloading an IIOC on an app called KIK, OH was arrested an his mobile taken, he was interviewed under caution with a solicitor present and was advised to go No Comment, he was released on bail, can't live with us as we have 2 children and can't be around u18s on his own. Bizarrely we were allowed to go on a 2 week holiday to Turkey though. My OH said he had no idea why he had been arrested, SS were involved but after a quick meeting with us an the kids said they didn't need any further involvement also said they were constantly dealing with these kind of situations. OH was asked to return in October for a 2nd interview. No IIOC were found he didn't even have the KIK app so they said he must have deleted it !! No searches for anything illegal were found either. They did question him about a completely innocent video of our youngest son, on his holidays with no nappy on, they tried to suggest this was indecent!!! OIC rang me and I said we had several videos of our children running around not in nappys during potty training and he removed that from his investigation. What they did find is 3 daft videos that had been sent in a watsapp group along with hundreds of other videos and memes that were sent as jokes. So they have proceed to go with them!! Feels like a witch hunt tbh, they wouldn't give up until they could find something to try and charge him with.
It's with CPS now and can only hope that they apply some common sense and find NFA. OH is also suspended from work, just wish it could all be over and that we could enjoy our Christmas without all this continuing stress ????
We are in a similar situatiocn, we re
Jane_uary that's great news that it has all been sorted.
RIG the same as you, but my husband did it twice (at least as 18 months apart and had been using chat for 2 years). I don't think i can forgive him for doing something so stupid and what it has brought to our lives.
RIG the same as you, but my husband did it twice (at least as 18 months apart and had been using chat for 2 years). I don't think i can forgive him for doing something so stupid and what it has brought to our lives.
I'm so worried because I've ended my lovely relationship on the basis that the police told me that even if it came back NFA that would be because they couldn't find anything, not that he hadn't done it. They said if kik app is deleted it disappears. Any photos downloaded and then deleted/ or phone wiped can't always be recovered.
I feel that I've been put in an impossible position!!
is none of this I've been told by the police accurate?
I feel that I've been put in an impossible position!!
is none of this I've been told by the police accurate?
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Bitterbean; unfortunately I know my OH did chat with a minor (and also met strangers for sex) so for me even if the police don't find enough to go to cps, I still have to live with the thought of being lied to and cheated on. At the moment I'm concentrating on the police/legal stuff and hoping for a NFA and if that does (please God) happen then I have the rest of my battle to fight. How do you continue living a life with someone who didn't care for you or like you enough to give up on cheap thrills?
Me wanting OH not to be prosecuted it more for mine and the children's sake if I'm totally honest. If it goes further than he will lose his job, we'll lose our home, my extended family and friends will not have no more to do with me and the children may face difficulties going forward. The children and I will have to face the hardship and humiliation.
I struggle everyday because not only have I lost the person I loved but I feel I'm slowly losing my children too. My home doesn't feel like home anymore. There's no visitors, no noise, no laughter, no warmth. I so desperately want the children to visit but I have to respect their decision just as they have respected mine to stay. I hope and pray they and I find forgiveness in our hearts towards OH and slowly begin to get at least to a point where we can bare to be in the same house.
I hope things work out well for you and your OH. Please let us know how things go for for. I will also post updates. X
Me wanting OH not to be prosecuted it more for mine and the children's sake if I'm totally honest. If it goes further than he will lose his job, we'll lose our home, my extended family and friends will not have no more to do with me and the children may face difficulties going forward. The children and I will have to face the hardship and humiliation.
I struggle everyday because not only have I lost the person I loved but I feel I'm slowly losing my children too. My home doesn't feel like home anymore. There's no visitors, no noise, no laughter, no warmth. I so desperately want the children to visit but I have to respect their decision just as they have respected mine to stay. I hope and pray they and I find forgiveness in our hearts towards OH and slowly begin to get at least to a point where we can bare to be in the same house.
I hope things work out well for you and your OH. Please let us know how things go for for. I will also post updates. X
Hi Rig,
I think that I am grieving for the life I have lost, plans for early retirement and the things we were going to do. I resent the fact that whilst he refused to talk and went to pieces I had to cancel our wedding and market the house we had only moved to 3 weeks before... when I was going through turmoil and in shock. He then sent me loads of texts saying he was going to kill himself which I found very distressing.
It's so hard when you still love someone but I have to put my grown up children and grand child before him.
if I am to believe what the police have told me, I hope they find something. I need to know what he's done and I don't want him to get away with it.
I think that I am grieving for the life I have lost, plans for early retirement and the things we were going to do. I resent the fact that whilst he refused to talk and went to pieces I had to cancel our wedding and market the house we had only moved to 3 weeks before... when I was going through turmoil and in shock. He then sent me loads of texts saying he was going to kill himself which I found very distressing.
It's so hard when you still love someone but I have to put my grown up children and grand child before him.
if I am to believe what the police have told me, I hope they find something. I need to know what he's done and I don't want him to get away with it.
How I understand your words RIG22 as you talk about your home.
My sons crime was in our family and he lived here, although a few things have changed /most of his belongings still remain. My grandchildren have not been in our home for two years, it's quiet and soleless. Just full of ghosts and past memories, mostly happy memories, but memories of police raping it as they conducted searches and took my son away from me. :(
if I were on my own I'd definitely move out and start fresh. It's so sad when your home you've worked hard for over years, changes to this!
My sons crime was in our family and he lived here, although a few things have changed /most of his belongings still remain. My grandchildren have not been in our home for two years, it's quiet and soleless. Just full of ghosts and past memories, mostly happy memories, but memories of police raping it as they conducted searches and took my son away from me. :(
if I were on my own I'd definitely move out and start fresh. It's so sad when your home you've worked hard for over years, changes to this!
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Losteverything; it's so cruel. The reality is our loved ones have inflicted this on us (not the police).
You have to do what's best for you. Having to choose between your children/grandchildren and OH must have been so difficult.
In my case, my children don't know about the cheating. They believe he had one online chat with a minor and that was enough for them to distance themselves from him. Once the police come back with the results of their investigation then I will be in the same position as you. If they find more then I know my children would want me to leave him and wouldn't want anything to do with me if I chose to stay but having said that, I dont believe I could stay with him if there is more.
I'm wanting the police to hurry up with the searches but at the same time I want it to be delayed too. I'm not sure how I'd cope if there is more.
sending hugs x
You have to do what's best for you. Having to choose between your children/grandchildren and OH must have been so difficult.
In my case, my children don't know about the cheating. They believe he had one online chat with a minor and that was enough for them to distance themselves from him. Once the police come back with the results of their investigation then I will be in the same position as you. If they find more then I know my children would want me to leave him and wouldn't want anything to do with me if I chose to stay but having said that, I dont believe I could stay with him if there is more.
I'm wanting the police to hurry up with the searches but at the same time I want it to be delayed too. I'm not sure how I'd cope if there is more.
sending hugs x
Smile through tears; i cried as I read your post/words. You're right, our home is not what it used to be. I'd love to hear laughter and noise and the kitchen full of family all waiting for food to be ready.
Christmas is coming but we won't be doing anything. Who do I cook or put up the Xmas tree for?
I can't even invite extended family who usually join us as they have young children. I'll have to pretend we are away this year so they don't think it's odd or ask questions.
It's not fair. Life has been so cruel.
big hugs x
Christmas is coming but we won't be doing anything. Who do I cook or put up the Xmas tree for?
I can't even invite extended family who usually join us as they have young children. I'll have to pretend we are away this year so they don't think it's odd or ask questions.
It's not fair. Life has been so cruel.
big hugs x
Bitterbean; you have described my situation completely when it comes to the house/finances. I won't be able to live in our house. It's too big and would cost too much to run. To be honest I think a fresh start somewhere new would be like a breath of fresh air. No more reminders. My head will be so full of them anyway so I wouldn't want everything around me to be a trigger too. Also, I can't see anyone wanting to come over if and when it all comes out. I fear family holding me responsible for exposing them and their children to the risk. When people are angry, they lash out and I know I will be held accountable to some degree even though I'm also a victim in all of this.
I smile to myself when I imagine me being in a small, cosy home without this nightmare, where my children feel they can come and go.
I hold on to that thought until I get the result of the search back.
big hugs. X
I smile to myself when I imagine me being in a small, cosy home without this nightmare, where my children feel they can come and go.
I hold on to that thought until I get the result of the search back.
big hugs. X
Ahh RIG - I don't want to make anyone cry - bless you.... on a more positive note, I'm just glad as a family, although there's secrets and a lot left unsaid, we have built a new'normal'........
Rig and Bitterbean,
We only get one shot at life. I love my ex partner but I want a future surrounded by my children and grandchildren. I want them there for Christmas dinner, I want the children to stay over. I have marketed our dream home as I can't afford it on my own. I am actually feeling excited about the thought of selling it and being able to buy myself a small house all my own which will be mortgage free and no one can take it from me. I can't have this if I stay with my OH and . I'm not responsible for his disgraceful actions and I'm sick of wasting precious time worrying about it all. None of this is my fault and I absolutely deserve better. You two deserve better as well. Just imagine a future with no knocks in the door, no more lies, no more having to think about porn addictions etc. there must be some decent men out there. One day I will get over this and hopefully find one!!!
We only get one shot at life. I love my ex partner but I want a future surrounded by my children and grandchildren. I want them there for Christmas dinner, I want the children to stay over. I have marketed our dream home as I can't afford it on my own. I am actually feeling excited about the thought of selling it and being able to buy myself a small house all my own which will be mortgage free and no one can take it from me. I can't have this if I stay with my OH and . I'm not responsible for his disgraceful actions and I'm sick of wasting precious time worrying about it all. None of this is my fault and I absolutely deserve better. You two deserve better as well. Just imagine a future with no knocks in the door, no more lies, no more having to think about porn addictions etc. there must be some decent men out there. One day I will get over this and hopefully find one!!!
Lost everything
I think you are right, I just think mentally I am not quite there yet. I think part of is the having to give up the future I was expecting and hoping for and having to accept a different future and that it can be as good as, but different from, the old one. To be fair, there were aspects of the old future that I was dreading, so maybe I should focus on those and look on them as a "push" motivation. Along with the likely outcome of all this (court, publicity, stigma etc).
As for finding someone else, well, I'm done with that. I don't think I could ever trust anyone in that way again.
I think you are right, I just think mentally I am not quite there yet. I think part of is the having to give up the future I was expecting and hoping for and having to accept a different future and that it can be as good as, but different from, the old one. To be fair, there were aspects of the old future that I was dreading, so maybe I should focus on those and look on them as a "push" motivation. Along with the likely outcome of all this (court, publicity, stigma etc).
As for finding someone else, well, I'm done with that. I don't think I could ever trust anyone in that way again.
Losteverything; everything you said sounded like a beautiful dream. Selling, moving, financially independent and starting afresh. Reading made me smile. What a lovely thought!
I sincerely hope you get to do those things and live a peaceful life. X
Bitterbean; I think you and I are in very similar positions when it comes to our lives and deciding our futures. I can identify with all of what you've said.
Hoping we both find that light at the end of this very dark tunnel. X
I sincerely hope you get to do those things and live a peaceful life. X
Bitterbean; I think you and I are in very similar positions when it comes to our lives and deciding our futures. I can identify with all of what you've said.
Hoping we both find that light at the end of this very dark tunnel. X