What happens next?
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Hello everyone,
Plucking up the courage to post for the first time so sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.
OH had the knock recently, he got taken to the police station for questioning, house was searched and devices taken. He was released on bail and has to go to the police station next year.
I'm so confused and hurt by it all, it doesn't marry up to the person that I know and love. He's not staying with me at the moment so I haven't really talked to him properly about it all and my mind is running wild with what they're going to find on his devices. It's aborant what he's done and I just can't understand why he would do this to himself and his family.
On the other hand it pains me to see him so distraught and I worry for his and my own future. I haven't been told anything of what happens next so I was hoping that maybe someone might be able to share their experience from the beginning?
As other posters have said the not knowing what is going to happen and catastrophising in your head is awful.
Any advice or thoughts much appreciated x
Plucking up the courage to post for the first time so sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.
OH had the knock recently, he got taken to the police station for questioning, house was searched and devices taken. He was released on bail and has to go to the police station next year.
I'm so confused and hurt by it all, it doesn't marry up to the person that I know and love. He's not staying with me at the moment so I haven't really talked to him properly about it all and my mind is running wild with what they're going to find on his devices. It's aborant what he's done and I just can't understand why he would do this to himself and his family.
On the other hand it pains me to see him so distraught and I worry for his and my own future. I haven't been told anything of what happens next so I was hoping that maybe someone might be able to share their experience from the beginning?
As other posters have said the not knowing what is going to happen and catastrophising in your head is awful.
Any advice or thoughts much appreciated x
Hi Sad&Confused
So sorry you're experiencing this. Its an awful shock at the beginning and you will have a thousand questions and worries running through your mind. There are many of us here on the forum who have experienced "The Knock" as it's known, when the police turn up at your home with a search warrant to check devices. It's very traumatic and you can feel violated when the police are rummaging through your underwear drawer looking for sd cards and mobile phones etc
We had the knock almost a year ago a few days before Christmas. It was our I.P. address that flagged something and the police then showed up and after 4 hours of our home being searched my husband was taken to the station for questioning and the next day he plead guilty at his virtual bail hearing, then released on bail with strict bail conditions (Which if you have children can have big implications)
After this it's a long wait for devices to be checked by forensics. Stopitnow are giving a rough timelines of 8-12 months before sentencing. We heard absolutely nothing from the police for months. The waiting is torture. The solicitor won't be able to do much either until the evidence is back from Forensics. My husband was arrested in December and only one mobile phone was taken away by the police after every device was checked. Forensics took 9 months to check one phone. From arrest to sentencing took 11 months in total.
I would say ask your partner as many questions as you can. Try to be patient with your partner as he will also be in shock and feeling a lot of shame and guilt. Some partners can be in denial, some keep lying, most partners also don't understand why they did what they did either. Get a good solicitor who has dealt with sexual offenses. Enquire about legal aid first. Both of you should engage with a counsellor and gp if needed. Get as much support as you can but be careful what family and friends you confide in. People will have very strong opinions of this crime. Its why this is such a lonely crime for the offender and their families. The police told me not to tell anybody.
Most of all just take it one day at a time. Phone the helpline for advice. Keep posting here on the forum, we all understand every emotion you're feeling.
The wait is long but it gives you time to process the shock/betrayal/utter confusion. This is the time your partner should address why he ended up breaking the law. Stopitnow run courses for offenders called Informplus to help offenders understand their actions.
Remember to look after yourself and kids if you have any.
So sorry you're experiencing this. Its an awful shock at the beginning and you will have a thousand questions and worries running through your mind. There are many of us here on the forum who have experienced "The Knock" as it's known, when the police turn up at your home with a search warrant to check devices. It's very traumatic and you can feel violated when the police are rummaging through your underwear drawer looking for sd cards and mobile phones etc
We had the knock almost a year ago a few days before Christmas. It was our I.P. address that flagged something and the police then showed up and after 4 hours of our home being searched my husband was taken to the station for questioning and the next day he plead guilty at his virtual bail hearing, then released on bail with strict bail conditions (Which if you have children can have big implications)
After this it's a long wait for devices to be checked by forensics. Stopitnow are giving a rough timelines of 8-12 months before sentencing. We heard absolutely nothing from the police for months. The waiting is torture. The solicitor won't be able to do much either until the evidence is back from Forensics. My husband was arrested in December and only one mobile phone was taken away by the police after every device was checked. Forensics took 9 months to check one phone. From arrest to sentencing took 11 months in total.
I would say ask your partner as many questions as you can. Try to be patient with your partner as he will also be in shock and feeling a lot of shame and guilt. Some partners can be in denial, some keep lying, most partners also don't understand why they did what they did either. Get a good solicitor who has dealt with sexual offenses. Enquire about legal aid first. Both of you should engage with a counsellor and gp if needed. Get as much support as you can but be careful what family and friends you confide in. People will have very strong opinions of this crime. Its why this is such a lonely crime for the offender and their families. The police told me not to tell anybody.
Most of all just take it one day at a time. Phone the helpline for advice. Keep posting here on the forum, we all understand every emotion you're feeling.
The wait is long but it gives you time to process the shock/betrayal/utter confusion. This is the time your partner should address why he ended up breaking the law. Stopitnow run courses for offenders called Informplus to help offenders understand their actions.
Remember to look after yourself and kids if you have any.
Sad&Confused
So sorry you find yourself here but it is the best place to be for support x
Its early days and if you can talk to him about what he has done, its not an easy conversation but you been kept in the dark is not fare
It's a long journey so try not to make any decisions yet
But the most important part is to take care of yourself first xx
So sorry you find yourself here but it is the best place to be for support x
Its early days and if you can talk to him about what he has done, its not an easy conversation but you been kept in the dark is not fare
It's a long journey so try not to make any decisions yet
But the most important part is to take care of yourself first xx
Hi Sad and Confused
I just happened to log onto the forum to see if there was any information on a particular topic, and saw your post.
We had "the knock" nearly three years ago now and it was completely awful at the start. My husband was remorseful from the beginning, which helped a bit, but did not stop me being completely furious with him, and I showed it, lots of shouting and weeping. He got in touch with Lucy Faithfull, talked to them and his GP. I did also - I found talking to my GP really helpful, he was very sympathetic. I told no-one and still haven't - we don't have children. He did the Lucy Faithfull course to understand more about his offending, but I did not bother.
It took about a year for him to get some devices back, and eighteen months for the CPS to bring charges and then a magistrates court date. After that, things moved quite quickly - Crown Court a few weeks later. He got probation, he was very lucky.
It's really important to look after yourself and think of your own needs, whether you stay with him or leave is completely your own decision, take your time to make it.
We are still together and love each other, talking about the future once his probation ends. It's been hard, but you can get through it.
Sending love,
Vic.
x
I just happened to log onto the forum to see if there was any information on a particular topic, and saw your post.
We had "the knock" nearly three years ago now and it was completely awful at the start. My husband was remorseful from the beginning, which helped a bit, but did not stop me being completely furious with him, and I showed it, lots of shouting and weeping. He got in touch with Lucy Faithfull, talked to them and his GP. I did also - I found talking to my GP really helpful, he was very sympathetic. I told no-one and still haven't - we don't have children. He did the Lucy Faithfull course to understand more about his offending, but I did not bother.
It took about a year for him to get some devices back, and eighteen months for the CPS to bring charges and then a magistrates court date. After that, things moved quite quickly - Crown Court a few weeks later. He got probation, he was very lucky.
It's really important to look after yourself and think of your own needs, whether you stay with him or leave is completely your own decision, take your time to make it.
We are still together and love each other, talking about the future once his probation ends. It's been hard, but you can get through it.
Sending love,
Vic.
x
Thank you so much for your replies all. It definitely makes a difference sharing experiences and hearing from others in very similar situations.
Thankfully no children so don't have that extra worry that so many others have to battle through.
Did anyone have any dealings with the media at all?
How was it not telling anyone Vic? I also don't want to tell anyone at the moment because rightly or wrongly I feel like I want to protect him from the judgement of others as much as possible and to be honest for myself. Especially if I do decide that I feel we can get past this and work on our relationship. Do you wish that you had told anyone? Or how did you deal with having no one but your partner to talk to about it?
As much as I'm angry and upset and digusted by his actions I miss him.
Thankfully no children so don't have that extra worry that so many others have to battle through.
Did anyone have any dealings with the media at all?
How was it not telling anyone Vic? I also don't want to tell anyone at the moment because rightly or wrongly I feel like I want to protect him from the judgement of others as much as possible and to be honest for myself. Especially if I do decide that I feel we can get past this and work on our relationship. Do you wish that you had told anyone? Or how did you deal with having no one but your partner to talk to about it?
As much as I'm angry and upset and digusted by his actions I miss him.