Reflection
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Not sure where I am going with this post but here goes
I look in the mirror and I see myself and I look at the woman and I ask myself who is she
She answers back it's you! The same person you were before this journey, I look closer I see the aging lines , I see a shadow of the woman I was , I see my blue eyes that are filled with tears, my heart beats but I am empty,
I look at my life now to what it was like before this, my eyes were blue, the lines were laughter lines , my heart was full , and yet a simple knock can take it all away in just a single moment
Every day since the 20th May 2020 a Thursday morning I got up ready for my day ahead at work, then the door bell rang (me why would a delivery driver be knocking so early 6.30 am) the dog was barking, I opened the door and my life changed and so did my Son the offender, so did my daughters life, he was taken away and then brought home at stupid o'clock he had a shower, we spoke, we cried, we hugged, he went to bed and for the first time since he was young I stayed with him, hugged him, stroked his hair as he finally fell asleep, I wept , I didn't sleep, he was unsettled and I told him it will be ok
Fast forward 16 months of hell, I was on suicide watch every day,
Me and his sister had to listen to him how he was going to commit suicide every day, then I worry about my daughters health
So many emotions and the wrinkles are worse:-)
Then the second knock (Can it get any worse) yep it can
He was taken away and didn't come home, remand, self harming, sleepless nights, for us all
But now my eyes are blue, occasionally filled with tears but my heart is not empty, why because he is still here, no longer self harming, we know what we have to face, he knows I am and will always be here as will his sister, and for the first time his older brother is coming for a visit
This journey is horrendous but each and everyone of us can get through this
There is no right or wrong just take a day at a time and you will get through it I promise xx
I look in the mirror and I see myself and I look at the woman and I ask myself who is she
She answers back it's you! The same person you were before this journey, I look closer I see the aging lines , I see a shadow of the woman I was , I see my blue eyes that are filled with tears, my heart beats but I am empty,
I look at my life now to what it was like before this, my eyes were blue, the lines were laughter lines , my heart was full , and yet a simple knock can take it all away in just a single moment
Every day since the 20th May 2020 a Thursday morning I got up ready for my day ahead at work, then the door bell rang (me why would a delivery driver be knocking so early 6.30 am) the dog was barking, I opened the door and my life changed and so did my Son the offender, so did my daughters life, he was taken away and then brought home at stupid o'clock he had a shower, we spoke, we cried, we hugged, he went to bed and for the first time since he was young I stayed with him, hugged him, stroked his hair as he finally fell asleep, I wept , I didn't sleep, he was unsettled and I told him it will be ok
Fast forward 16 months of hell, I was on suicide watch every day,
Me and his sister had to listen to him how he was going to commit suicide every day, then I worry about my daughters health
So many emotions and the wrinkles are worse:-)
Then the second knock (Can it get any worse) yep it can
He was taken away and didn't come home, remand, self harming, sleepless nights, for us all
But now my eyes are blue, occasionally filled with tears but my heart is not empty, why because he is still here, no longer self harming, we know what we have to face, he knows I am and will always be here as will his sister, and for the first time his older brother is coming for a visit
This journey is horrendous but each and everyone of us can get through this
There is no right or wrong just take a day at a time and you will get through it I promise xx
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This really hit home for me. Have teared up reading it. I look in the mirror and see the same person(a bit more tired and dull eyes)but everything has changed. It's still me but a shamed, betrayed, desperate and tired version. Sometimes I feel shame supporting my husband because I worry people feel like I don't understand the crime, or he's manipulating me or worse, I don't care about the crime. We had the knock a year ago and the night before the knock was the last time I laughed at anything. A real belly laugh. Feeling like not a care in the world sort of laugh. I had just started maternity leave. We were watching a movie with our tiny little baby, Christmas tree up in the living room, pjs on snuggled all cozy. I remember saying to my husband that I felt so happy and couldn't wait for our first Christmas a family. I kissed him and told him this was the start of our lives after bringing our baby home from hospital, not realising it was actually the end of our chapter. Now almost a year later I'm actually so grateful for that last night to know what peace and happiness feel like.
This thread has really moved me.
We have to remember that we are strong women, the implications of this type of crime are indeed terrible but we as partners, mums and family members recognise that not all Internet offenders are evil people, they are people who got sucked into something and in most cases would do anything to turn back the clock.
Recognising this fact does not make us bad or complicit, nor does supporting our loved ones. If anything we are unsung heroes, and I hope that one day we will be recognised as such.
We have to remember that we are strong women, the implications of this type of crime are indeed terrible but we as partners, mums and family members recognise that not all Internet offenders are evil people, they are people who got sucked into something and in most cases would do anything to turn back the clock.
Recognising this fact does not make us bad or complicit, nor does supporting our loved ones. If anything we are unsung heroes, and I hope that one day we will be recognised as such.
We can secretly cry in to our pillows every night,
I'm not sure how i would cope with having yong children, for you mums of partners I am in awe of your strength
My heart aches, not because of the knock but because of how we have ended up here
The media reported my son as someone who he isn't,
He is not a bad person but he is someone who got lost in this situation, this nightmare, he along with me has to pay the price
But I hold my head high, I talk to people about this because if we can raise awareness that has to be good, no more hiding in shame xx
I'm not sure how i would cope with having yong children, for you mums of partners I am in awe of your strength
My heart aches, not because of the knock but because of how we have ended up here
The media reported my son as someone who he isn't,
He is not a bad person but he is someone who got lost in this situation, this nightmare, he along with me has to pay the price
But I hold my head high, I talk to people about this because if we can raise awareness that has to be good, no more hiding in shame xx
Post deleted by user
Smile my dear friend x
Our sons are the ones who we brought in to the world
We do not condone what they have done
But we are here for them, why because a mothers love looks beyond their crime
We see them , we love them more than we love ourselves
Xx
Our sons are the ones who we brought in to the world
We do not condone what they have done
But we are here for them, why because a mothers love looks beyond their crime
We see them , we love them more than we love ourselves
Xx
Hi Upset,
Such an impactful reflection. I particularly relate to the bit about your eyes. I've struggled in the past with losing my sparkle. My person helped me to find it again. The day of the knock it was extinguished again. I see glimmers of it returning now and I hope that one day it returns fully. We didn't choose this journey and it has opened my eyes to so much. The support and knowledge I've found on here has given me strength and I thank all of you for giving me glimmers of hope xxx
Such an impactful reflection. I particularly relate to the bit about your eyes. I've struggled in the past with losing my sparkle. My person helped me to find it again. The day of the knock it was extinguished again. I see glimmers of it returning now and I hope that one day it returns fully. We didn't choose this journey and it has opened my eyes to so much. The support and knowledge I've found on here has given me strength and I thank all of you for giving me glimmers of hope xxx
Distressed
Your sparkle will return, believe in yourself
It's no one's decision other than yours
Everyone can say what they want to but they don't walk in your shoes
Until they do no one can understand xx
Your sparkle will return, believe in yourself
It's no one's decision other than yours
Everyone can say what they want to but they don't walk in your shoes
Until they do no one can understand xx
Just sending love to you all. This is so so painful. xxx
Just sending love to you all. This is so so painful. xxx
I've said it before, I'll say it again. You guys coping with a partner/husband and on top of that children on this journey, deserve the braveness medal here...... you are truly amazing.....
This is so true.
I'm alive.
He's alive.
But the spring in my step, the lightness in me has gone. I don't think that will ever fully go. I often wonder if it would if I was to leave, but that isn't something I want to do.
I don't take the same enjoyment from many things I use to - They kind of seem a bit trivial now. But at the same time I'm so looking forward to the simplest of things in just over a years time - Eating dinner together, laying in bed chatting on the weekend, going for a walk together. The big aspirations and goals seem such a distant memory.
I'm alive.
He's alive.
But the spring in my step, the lightness in me has gone. I don't think that will ever fully go. I often wonder if it would if I was to leave, but that isn't something I want to do.
I don't take the same enjoyment from many things I use to - They kind of seem a bit trivial now. But at the same time I'm so looking forward to the simplest of things in just over a years time - Eating dinner together, laying in bed chatting on the weekend, going for a walk together. The big aspirations and goals seem such a distant memory.
Hi SAL
It's so good to have these small things to look forward to and he is very lucky to have you in his life
We do not by any means condone what they have done but you see him as the good person he is
The next year will go by quickly and you can then re build your life together, dinners, walks, lazy days just the 2 of you xx
It's so good to have these small things to look forward to and he is very lucky to have you in his life
We do not by any means condone what they have done but you see him as the good person he is
The next year will go by quickly and you can then re build your life together, dinners, walks, lazy days just the 2 of you xx
I don't think I will ever be the same again and my family dynamics have changed (been blasted apart). Being edged out the job I had at time, lost contact with many friends.
My sparkle is not the same, I'm more cautious and keep a lot inside - where in the past I'd easily spark up a conversation with anyone. I'm also quite nervous these days.
This journey has bought out some good changes though. I am less judgmental of people and more understanding. It's made me realise people can hide agony behind their smiles - like (at times) I do......
I don't bother and brush aside what I consider trivial concerns ie: don't fret about running low on milk for example :-)
I do feel sad and at times extremely angry I've/we've been plunged into this life change to be honest.....
My sparkle is not the same, I'm more cautious and keep a lot inside - where in the past I'd easily spark up a conversation with anyone. I'm also quite nervous these days.
This journey has bought out some good changes though. I am less judgmental of people and more understanding. It's made me realise people can hide agony behind their smiles - like (at times) I do......
I don't bother and brush aside what I consider trivial concerns ie: don't fret about running low on milk for example :-)
I do feel sad and at times extremely angry I've/we've been plunged into this life change to be honest.....