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I would like to know, did you stay with your partner or leave, I'm unsure what to do, what he has done sickens me, but I'm scared to leave
Hi, I divorced my husband, I couldn't stay with someone who could do such a vile thing, but some people do stay it really if different for everyone and only a discussion you can make, give yourself a bit of time. I was terrified to be on my own but I done it and I'm really proud of myself and feel really empowered, I still get scary times when I think I can't do this, but I take a deep breath and carry on. You won't believe how strong you can be. X
*decision
It's such a personal thing deciding to stay or leave. I stayed with husband because there were no images and no teen or child harmed (although I fully understand and accept it could have been a real teen), his level or remorse and commitment to change and honesty throughout helped make my decision. We have and always had a great relationship, we are working on what lead him down this path and although I'm shocked and appalled at his behaviour I know he is a good person and this was a horrendous mistake/choice he made. My choice to stay is not because i cannot leave or fear being alone, I know I would be just fine by myself but I think our relationship and life is worth saving. Had there been anything else or more lies then no I would have left him. For me it was also the support of all the professionals including the police that my partner was honest that he carried on a conversation that should have stopped but there was not anything else. Being on your own is a big step but there are many ladies on here who have done that and are glad they did. Only you know what your partner did, if he can change his behaviour and If you can live with the fall out and whats happened. Staying is also very hard, I often wonder if leaving is easier. But for me I'm glad I supported my partner and I think our life together is worth the hard work.
Chrissy
everyones situation is so different. I am six months in now I think or maybe 5 and a bit. I can’t stay married to my husband but I can care about his well-being and show compassion to the addiction.
he has lost what we had though and I think in my case even if he gets help ( which I want him to do) the betrayal for me was heartbreaking.
he knew what he was doing and that it was wrong. I obviously don’t have an addictive personality myself so I can’t really see why he would have sacrificed everything but i do know these men are deeply troubled and in a bad situation.
chrissy you won’t get any judgment what ever you decide there is no rush. You know your situation best. You know what you had and what has been lost. You can choose to stand by him through recovery or you can choose to leave. How long ago did you discover this secret side to him?
there is a huge amount of shame in the offending each situation is different.
just please don’t feel rushed ending a marriage or a relationship is big and you need a clear understanding to know what exactly is best for your welfare xx
love and care
beth Lou xx
everyones situation is so different. I am six months in now I think or maybe 5 and a bit. I can’t stay married to my husband but I can care about his well-being and show compassion to the addiction.
he has lost what we had though and I think in my case even if he gets help ( which I want him to do) the betrayal for me was heartbreaking.
he knew what he was doing and that it was wrong. I obviously don’t have an addictive personality myself so I can’t really see why he would have sacrificed everything but i do know these men are deeply troubled and in a bad situation.
chrissy you won’t get any judgment what ever you decide there is no rush. You know your situation best. You know what you had and what has been lost. You can choose to stand by him through recovery or you can choose to leave. How long ago did you discover this secret side to him?
there is a huge amount of shame in the offending each situation is different.
just please don’t feel rushed ending a marriage or a relationship is big and you need a clear understanding to know what exactly is best for your welfare xx
love and care
beth Lou xx
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Chrissy,
I am along the same lines are Maria, we have had such a great relationship for so many years that I am not willing to let this issue completely break us.
As Maria said it is the husbands honesty and commitment to dealing with this issue that has meant I have stuck with him and we are working our way to finding a new balance in our lives and dynamic with his work situation changing recently- in a positive way but don't want to put too much on this space as you never know who's reading.
Before the knock we had never had anything that could constitute an argument- we are both too relaxed generally for it but we have had 2 blazers in the 5 and a bit months post knock but actually it's what we needed to clear alot of things up.
I think you have to do what is right for you long term, I know for me its him but also can completely get why some dont stay and why some do.
Main thing is you dont have to make any decisions until your ready too so just take your time and as ever just take it all day by day.
Ttkit
I am along the same lines are Maria, we have had such a great relationship for so many years that I am not willing to let this issue completely break us.
As Maria said it is the husbands honesty and commitment to dealing with this issue that has meant I have stuck with him and we are working our way to finding a new balance in our lives and dynamic with his work situation changing recently- in a positive way but don't want to put too much on this space as you never know who's reading.
Before the knock we had never had anything that could constitute an argument- we are both too relaxed generally for it but we have had 2 blazers in the 5 and a bit months post knock but actually it's what we needed to clear alot of things up.
I think you have to do what is right for you long term, I know for me its him but also can completely get why some dont stay and why some do.
Main thing is you dont have to make any decisions until your ready too so just take your time and as ever just take it all day by day.
Ttkit
Hi Chrissy
I asked my husband to move out after 4 days although I didn't realise the extent at that time of what he'd been doing, the fact that he'd been looking at these vile images and couldn't even see what he'd done so wrong (& still can't). He has always been in complete denial and tried to blame, me, our marriage, my boys, my family, my job, maplins where he got the SD cards from as they must have already been on there, my friends who had stayed 2 nights in the bedroom where the SD card was found and the list goes on.
He's now in prison and his first wife contacted me the other day to day his brother is telling everyone is my fault he did it, I made him and now he's suffering!!
I think the choice of going or staying is down to each individual and certainly on here you won't be judged. I think it's a more difficult choice to stay but if your husband is committed to change and get the help he needs then no one would blame you.
You need to take your time and make sure that is why your want, I must admit I flew into sort it all out mode very quickly and that worked for me, having said that, bi missed him terribly, or the person I thought he was. I'm really struggling at the moment and it's over a year ago. This isn't easy whatever you decide but you know your will get nothing but support on here
Xx
I asked my husband to move out after 4 days although I didn't realise the extent at that time of what he'd been doing, the fact that he'd been looking at these vile images and couldn't even see what he'd done so wrong (& still can't). He has always been in complete denial and tried to blame, me, our marriage, my boys, my family, my job, maplins where he got the SD cards from as they must have already been on there, my friends who had stayed 2 nights in the bedroom where the SD card was found and the list goes on.
He's now in prison and his first wife contacted me the other day to day his brother is telling everyone is my fault he did it, I made him and now he's suffering!!
I think the choice of going or staying is down to each individual and certainly on here you won't be judged. I think it's a more difficult choice to stay but if your husband is committed to change and get the help he needs then no one would blame you.
You need to take your time and make sure that is why your want, I must admit I flew into sort it all out mode very quickly and that worked for me, having said that, bi missed him terribly, or the person I thought he was. I'm really struggling at the moment and it's over a year ago. This isn't easy whatever you decide but you know your will get nothing but support on here
Xx
Tracey
this denial issues are so real it’s mindboggling. I know what you mean about missing the person you thought you had and the life we all deserved with a husband who should have treated us and himself with respect.
what gets me thinking all night was my husband seems to have been two people a lovely caring and sensitive man and a man who I never knew with a dark side in his head, I can only think he split this side from me and most likely himself.
i get angry too as it was obviously done with no consideration of the consequences for me or himself. I don’t think he meant to crush our lives like this, and there must be some serious self esteem and respect issues to be so destructive, so it’s got to be more than depression.
It’s extremely heart breaking, and not helpful if your previous brother in law is accepting his lack of ownership of the offending and pinning it on you and others. You already know its nothing to do with you.
sometimes I think I am doing well and it’s not all consuming but I still want answers. I truly don’t think they can be honest with themselves it’s so so complex and very sad. Did you say you can’t communicate with your husband in prison by letter?
Your doing fabulously Tracey I promise you. It’s blooming hard though isn’t it. I just want so answers and some acceptance from him but whatever it is in our husbands I think the shame is very very deep and difficult to face. It is the easiest way out, but how I wish for both our sakes they could wake up to the fact they have a problem Nd face it head on. Xxx
this denial issues are so real it’s mindboggling. I know what you mean about missing the person you thought you had and the life we all deserved with a husband who should have treated us and himself with respect.
what gets me thinking all night was my husband seems to have been two people a lovely caring and sensitive man and a man who I never knew with a dark side in his head, I can only think he split this side from me and most likely himself.
i get angry too as it was obviously done with no consideration of the consequences for me or himself. I don’t think he meant to crush our lives like this, and there must be some serious self esteem and respect issues to be so destructive, so it’s got to be more than depression.
It’s extremely heart breaking, and not helpful if your previous brother in law is accepting his lack of ownership of the offending and pinning it on you and others. You already know its nothing to do with you.
sometimes I think I am doing well and it’s not all consuming but I still want answers. I truly don’t think they can be honest with themselves it’s so so complex and very sad. Did you say you can’t communicate with your husband in prison by letter?
Your doing fabulously Tracey I promise you. It’s blooming hard though isn’t it. I just want so answers and some acceptance from him but whatever it is in our husbands I think the shame is very very deep and difficult to face. It is the easiest way out, but how I wish for both our sakes they could wake up to the fact they have a problem Nd face it head on. Xxx
Tracey
this denial issues are so real it’s mindboggling. I know what you mean about missing the person you thought you had and the life we all deserved with a husband who should have treated us and himself with respect.
what gets me thinking all night was my husband seems to have been two people a lovely caring and sensitive man and a man who I never knew with a dark side in his head, I can only think he split this side from me and most likely himself.
i get angry too as it was obviously done with no consideration of the consequences for me or himself. I don’t think he meant to crush our lives like this, and there must be some serious self esteem and respect issues to be so destructive, so it’s got to be more than depression.
It’s extremely heart breaking, and not helpful if your previous brother in law is accepting his lack of ownership of the offending and pinning it on you and others. You already know its nothing to do with you.
sometimes I think I am doing well and it’s not all consuming but I still want answers. I truly don’t think they can be honest with themselves it’s so so complex and very sad. Did you say you can’t communicate with your husband in prison by letter?
Your doing fabulously Tracey I promise you. It’s blooming hard though isn’t it. I just want so answers and some acceptance from him but whatever it is in our husbands I think the shame is very very deep and difficult to face. It is the easiest way out, but how I wish for both our sakes they could wake up to the fact they have a problem Nd face it head on. Xxx
this denial issues are so real it’s mindboggling. I know what you mean about missing the person you thought you had and the life we all deserved with a husband who should have treated us and himself with respect.
what gets me thinking all night was my husband seems to have been two people a lovely caring and sensitive man and a man who I never knew with a dark side in his head, I can only think he split this side from me and most likely himself.
i get angry too as it was obviously done with no consideration of the consequences for me or himself. I don’t think he meant to crush our lives like this, and there must be some serious self esteem and respect issues to be so destructive, so it’s got to be more than depression.
It’s extremely heart breaking, and not helpful if your previous brother in law is accepting his lack of ownership of the offending and pinning it on you and others. You already know its nothing to do with you.
sometimes I think I am doing well and it’s not all consuming but I still want answers. I truly don’t think they can be honest with themselves it’s so so complex and very sad. Did you say you can’t communicate with your husband in prison by letter?
Your doing fabulously Tracey I promise you. It’s blooming hard though isn’t it. I just want so answers and some acceptance from him but whatever it is in our husbands I think the shame is very very deep and difficult to face. It is the easiest way out, but how I wish for both our sakes they could wake up to the fact they have a problem Nd face it head on. Xxx