One year today
Notifications OFF
So I haven't posted much lately. But have been checking in when I've felt like I've been losing my mind.
One year today is when my world came crumbling down. A lot has changed. We are no longer together, and he has moved out though still in contact. I've lost connection with my sisters after they didn't want me in their lives after it all came out and I said I would be supporting him through this as a friend. We haven't spoken in 9 months. I still think about everything at least at one point in the day, and have spent countless nights lying in bed unable to sleep with my mind racing.
We are no further forward. Everything is still looming over. I think constantly about my life and where things went wrong, and where we went wrong.
I'm 35, with no children and feeling like I've missed my chance to create a family and be with the man that, still in my heart of hearts, was the one I was meant to spend forever with. I don't talk to my parents or friends about this, as I feel like they all think I should just be getting over this and I don't want to burden them. Everyone around me has settled down, and I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness at times. And I have lost my forever person, the one I thought I could rely on.
I have had so much betrayal throughout my life with friends, partners. And I truly feel like my trust in people is finally gone, although scared of where that leaves me in my future.
I guess this time of year makes alot of people feel like this. I used to love Christmas and the festivities, but right now my spirit has been well and truly sucked away.
One year today is when my world came crumbling down. A lot has changed. We are no longer together, and he has moved out though still in contact. I've lost connection with my sisters after they didn't want me in their lives after it all came out and I said I would be supporting him through this as a friend. We haven't spoken in 9 months. I still think about everything at least at one point in the day, and have spent countless nights lying in bed unable to sleep with my mind racing.
We are no further forward. Everything is still looming over. I think constantly about my life and where things went wrong, and where we went wrong.
I'm 35, with no children and feeling like I've missed my chance to create a family and be with the man that, still in my heart of hearts, was the one I was meant to spend forever with. I don't talk to my parents or friends about this, as I feel like they all think I should just be getting over this and I don't want to burden them. Everyone around me has settled down, and I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness at times. And I have lost my forever person, the one I thought I could rely on.
I have had so much betrayal throughout my life with friends, partners. And I truly feel like my trust in people is finally gone, although scared of where that leaves me in my future.
I guess this time of year makes alot of people feel like this. I used to love Christmas and the festivities, but right now my spirit has been well and truly sucked away.
Understand totally where you are coming from Lost, this journey is very long/painful/full of twists and turns and can indeed be extremely lonely.
I'm two years down the line, miss my son dreadfully while others hate him. Lots left unsaid and painful taboo areas (his crime was in the family).
I function normally, but I'm definitely not the same happy person I was. It's horrible....
I'm two years down the line, miss my son dreadfully while others hate him. Lots left unsaid and painful taboo areas (his crime was in the family).
I function normally, but I'm definitely not the same happy person I was. It's horrible....
Smile - its good to know that others (sadly) feel this way too, and that it's normal. I honestly don't know where I would be if this forum wasn't about. It's been my therapy.
Everytime I come on i see more and more new people that are beginning this journey. Its always so hidden, even though there are so many people that are affected by this type of crime, and new people everyday.
Sending you lots of love and good thoughts xxx
Everytime I come on i see more and more new people that are beginning this journey. Its always so hidden, even though there are so many people that are affected by this type of crime, and new people everyday.
Sending you lots of love and good thoughts xxx
Lost258
Just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone in these feelings
We think we know where are lives are at and then the bomb explodes leaving us in a state of emptiness and uncertainty
We cannot control peoples feelings or what they choose to do so we live with our own feelings thinking is this how my life will be
I am the same as Smile as it is also my son who offended but I am there until my last breath
You will rebuild, so never loose sight of that, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day you will get the happiness back
Even though you are no longer together having you supporting him is so important
Hugs sent xx
Just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone in these feelings
We think we know where are lives are at and then the bomb explodes leaving us in a state of emptiness and uncertainty
We cannot control peoples feelings or what they choose to do so we live with our own feelings thinking is this how my life will be
I am the same as Smile as it is also my son who offended but I am there until my last breath
You will rebuild, so never loose sight of that, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day you will get the happiness back
Even though you are no longer together having you supporting him is so important
Hugs sent xx
Lost258 I had to respond. We will be at the 1 year anniversary on the 23rd and I feel everything you have. This time of year is especially triggering because the knock happened at Christmas so hearing the songs on the radio and everyone talking about their plans for Christmas day really grates on my nerves now. It feels like life has continued for everyone but me. I keep thinking of this time last year just before life exploded, I had never been happier heavily pregnant decorating the house and thinking I had a great marriage and future as a little family. Blissfully unaware what was around the corner.
I also separated from my husband immediately after the arrest. We had a newborn when the knock happened so he couldn't return home with his bail conditions. He's just started a custodial sentence last month. I support him as a friend now but have no idea what the future holds for us. The thought of the future terrifies me. I thought I had a great relationship but I question everything now after this betrayal. But it doesn't mean you automatically stop loving someone. The arrest has made me doubt my own judgement and like you I've lost faith in people in general. I don't think I'll trust another person again if my lovely kind husband could deceive and live a double life.
The fallout from this goes on and on. A lot of my husbands family have turned their back on him so he just has me, his sister and his mum. He's never met his only child, who's turning 1 this week. I always wanted 2 children and for my child to have a sibling but that's impossible now with a long custodial, my age and all his restrictions afterwards. And of course the stigma attached of having a child with someone who's plead guilty to this crime. I'm very grateful that I had gotten pregnant when I did, so I understand what you're feeling.
Also like you my own sister has very strong opinions on this crime and wants me to cut all contact. Its put a wedge between us. She worries my husband will eventually meet his child. She worries I've been manipulated for years by my husband. But it's very easy to say and not so easy to do. And even easier for other to dish out their advice when they've never experienced this. Its a very lonely time full of regrets xx
I also separated from my husband immediately after the arrest. We had a newborn when the knock happened so he couldn't return home with his bail conditions. He's just started a custodial sentence last month. I support him as a friend now but have no idea what the future holds for us. The thought of the future terrifies me. I thought I had a great relationship but I question everything now after this betrayal. But it doesn't mean you automatically stop loving someone. The arrest has made me doubt my own judgement and like you I've lost faith in people in general. I don't think I'll trust another person again if my lovely kind husband could deceive and live a double life.
The fallout from this goes on and on. A lot of my husbands family have turned their back on him so he just has me, his sister and his mum. He's never met his only child, who's turning 1 this week. I always wanted 2 children and for my child to have a sibling but that's impossible now with a long custodial, my age and all his restrictions afterwards. And of course the stigma attached of having a child with someone who's plead guilty to this crime. I'm very grateful that I had gotten pregnant when I did, so I understand what you're feeling.
Also like you my own sister has very strong opinions on this crime and wants me to cut all contact. Its put a wedge between us. She worries my husband will eventually meet his child. She worries I've been manipulated for years by my husband. But it's very easy to say and not so easy to do. And even easier for other to dish out their advice when they've never experienced this. Its a very lonely time full of regrets xx
Upset mum - you are so right. A couple of years ago we had planned to start a family this year. Was getting everything in order. Plans were set, and then they all crumbled.
Christmas Chaos - your story made me well up. It all sounds very familiar. You've been so strong in doing all this with a new born. After the knock I just started drinking, which was easy to pass off to everyone who didn't know about the situation at the time, as it just being Christmas! It helped hide my feelings, and I'm pleased that I didn't have another little person to think of that was dependant on me. My parents have supported me and still do, they knew I needed time to gather my thoughts and feelings and are understanding that I want to be there emotionally for him. As you said, you can't just turn feelings off. My sisters don't seem to understand that side.
It's sad that he hasn't met his newborn. It's makes you wonder why they would really risk it all. I still don't understand it or can get my head around it, I don't think I ever will.
One of my best friends knows, and is very understanding, she's been in a sketchy relationship before, so understands how much the heart rules. My other close friend still doesn't know, and I feel like I'm lying to her everytime I see her. I want to tell her, but she's had such a busy year herself with her mother passing away, and then getting married. I haven't wanted to spoil her happiness with her marriage or add to her sadness with her mum. I will tell her eventually. My social circle is small and I'm scared if this will be another relationship that I will lose along the way of this journey.
Time will tell.
Christmas Chaos - your story made me well up. It all sounds very familiar. You've been so strong in doing all this with a new born. After the knock I just started drinking, which was easy to pass off to everyone who didn't know about the situation at the time, as it just being Christmas! It helped hide my feelings, and I'm pleased that I didn't have another little person to think of that was dependant on me. My parents have supported me and still do, they knew I needed time to gather my thoughts and feelings and are understanding that I want to be there emotionally for him. As you said, you can't just turn feelings off. My sisters don't seem to understand that side.
It's sad that he hasn't met his newborn. It's makes you wonder why they would really risk it all. I still don't understand it or can get my head around it, I don't think I ever will.
One of my best friends knows, and is very understanding, she's been in a sketchy relationship before, so understands how much the heart rules. My other close friend still doesn't know, and I feel like I'm lying to her everytime I see her. I want to tell her, but she's had such a busy year herself with her mother passing away, and then getting married. I haven't wanted to spoil her happiness with her marriage or add to her sadness with her mum. I will tell her eventually. My social circle is small and I'm scared if this will be another relationship that I will lose along the way of this journey.
Time will tell.
Lost258, I am so sorry to read what you had to go through.
Just my thoughts on this.... At 35, the ship hasn't sailed yet for you to become a mother.
If that is your dream, don't give up on it. When I had my children, there were lots of women in their early 40s giving birth.
You can still find a man to have children with or you can do it alone.
Wishing you all the best this Christmas. My husband has been arrested this July and we are still waiting for the outcome of the investigation.
I haven't told anyone about this, because I am so ashamed.
It is truly such a hard time, and we are secondary victims of this crime as well.
But we get judged and people turn on us and we are guilty by association. It is so unfair.
Look after yourself x
Just my thoughts on this.... At 35, the ship hasn't sailed yet for you to become a mother.
If that is your dream, don't give up on it. When I had my children, there were lots of women in their early 40s giving birth.
You can still find a man to have children with or you can do it alone.
Wishing you all the best this Christmas. My husband has been arrested this July and we are still waiting for the outcome of the investigation.
I haven't told anyone about this, because I am so ashamed.
It is truly such a hard time, and we are secondary victims of this crime as well.
But we get judged and people turn on us and we are guilty by association. It is so unfair.
Look after yourself x
Lost,
I'm so sorry you feel like that. I hate Christmas myself personally, a lot of traumatic events have happened over the years which have tarnished it so I tend just to see it as a break from work and an excuse to be lazy. I'm not 100% on your partner's offence but is it definitely not something you can work through? It's a human right to have a family and if you're clued up on everything in this forum and the resources available then it's not totally out of reach.
On the flip side... we all know how quickly life can change, one moment we're happy and the next our lives have been flipped upside down. There's also the possibility of your life being filled with happiness this time next year, we never know who or what is around the corner, you may meet someone else. Sending you the biggest hug and I hope you feel better soon xx
I'm so sorry you feel like that. I hate Christmas myself personally, a lot of traumatic events have happened over the years which have tarnished it so I tend just to see it as a break from work and an excuse to be lazy. I'm not 100% on your partner's offence but is it definitely not something you can work through? It's a human right to have a family and if you're clued up on everything in this forum and the resources available then it's not totally out of reach.
On the flip side... we all know how quickly life can change, one moment we're happy and the next our lives have been flipped upside down. There's also the possibility of your life being filled with happiness this time next year, we never know who or what is around the corner, you may meet someone else. Sending you the biggest hug and I hope you feel better soon xx
Lost I know exactly how you feel.
A year ago today my life was completely destroyed by a knock on the door at 6am and 8 police coming to arrest my person.
One year on we were meant to be having a plea hearing this week but it has now been adjourned until after Christmas so this nightmare continues.
I look back at the life I once had and the person I was then and still can't believe this has happened to me-I have PTSD from the knock and panic attacks if I see a police car even on TV, can't sleep and have lost 3 stone in weight.
I can't imagine ever being happy again and if this results in a custodial then I will not be able to continue.
A year ago today my life was completely destroyed by a knock on the door at 6am and 8 police coming to arrest my person.
One year on we were meant to be having a plea hearing this week but it has now been adjourned until after Christmas so this nightmare continues.
I look back at the life I once had and the person I was then and still can't believe this has happened to me-I have PTSD from the knock and panic attacks if I see a police car even on TV, can't sleep and have lost 3 stone in weight.
I can't imagine ever being happy again and if this results in a custodial then I will not be able to continue.
Seaside
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone on this journey and I'm sorry it has been postponed until the new year
You may not feel like it but you are so strong dont forget that
No matter the outcome you will get through this
Sending hugs xx
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone on this journey and I'm sorry it has been postponed until the new year
You may not feel like it but you are so strong dont forget that
No matter the outcome you will get through this
Sending hugs xx
Upset thank you so much I know you understand how it feels as a Mum watching your child go through this.
My son is no monster he is a kind, generous and empathetic person who made one stupid mistake on one day .
I would never condone what he did but I will support him until my last breath.
A very kind and good friend sent me a T-shirt today which has Warrior woman written on it and I will be wearing it physically and metaphorically.
My son is no monster he is a kind, generous and empathetic person who made one stupid mistake on one day .
I would never condone what he did but I will support him until my last breath.
A very kind and good friend sent me a T-shirt today which has Warrior woman written on it and I will be wearing it physically and metaphorically.
There must be something about today - a year ago today my son had his second interview. My relationship with him at that point was broken and remained so for many months; now we are on good terms, I'm pleased to say. However, a year on and he still hasn't been charged so we live in a state of limbo, 19 months since the knock.
I understand exactly the feelings about Christmas; it's hard to think back on happy Christmases when my children were young and I find it impossible to look at pictures of those times. But, on a positive note, I'm a different person from 19 months ago - and that's not necessarily a bad thing; I'm a bit angry and a bit cynical but I'm also a lot tougher and have found strength and resources that I didn't know I had. I'm less of a people pleaser and have learnt to put myself first (not always, but it's progress!).
Hugs to you all xx
I understand exactly the feelings about Christmas; it's hard to think back on happy Christmases when my children were young and I find it impossible to look at pictures of those times. But, on a positive note, I'm a different person from 19 months ago - and that's not necessarily a bad thing; I'm a bit angry and a bit cynical but I'm also a lot tougher and have found strength and resources that I didn't know I had. I'm less of a people pleaser and have learnt to put myself first (not always, but it's progress!).
Hugs to you all xx
Seaside
Wear that Tshirt with pride you are a warrior
Look how far you have come remember that
I am truly grateful that my son is still here at the start of this journey I thought he would take his ow life, dont get me wrong this journey has been horrendous and I like you do not for one second condone what he did but there is nothing in this world that will ever make me walk away , side by side always
I thought I would die of a broken heart when he was given a custodial but we are here and dealing with what each day brings
He is safe and he is ok and that is all I can hope for
You are stronger than you can ever know xx
Wear that Tshirt with pride you are a warrior
Look how far you have come remember that
I am truly grateful that my son is still here at the start of this journey I thought he would take his ow life, dont get me wrong this journey has been horrendous and I like you do not for one second condone what he did but there is nothing in this world that will ever make me walk away , side by side always
I thought I would die of a broken heart when he was given a custodial but we are here and dealing with what each day brings
He is safe and he is ok and that is all I can hope for
You are stronger than you can ever know xx
Lola53
I am so pleased to hear your relationship with your son is in a good place now and sorry you are no nearer to the outcome
I hope he is doing ok x
This journey does change us immensely but one thing is for sure it wont break us
We are all here at different stages and different outcomes but we are United together with such admiration for each and everyone of us
The place none of us ever wanted to be but so grateful to be able to have understanding and empathy xx
I am so pleased to hear your relationship with your son is in a good place now and sorry you are no nearer to the outcome
I hope he is doing ok x
This journey does change us immensely but one thing is for sure it wont break us
We are all here at different stages and different outcomes but we are United together with such admiration for each and everyone of us
The place none of us ever wanted to be but so grateful to be able to have understanding and empathy xx
Ladies. Thank you all for sharing so honestly. This forum is such a wonderful source of support. I am going through it all with my son as well. I have always disliked Christmas, I think it is a very sad time.
This Christmas I will think of you all when I am feeling low. I hope my thoughts bring you the strength. Knowing I am not alone will certainly give me support.
This Christmas I will think of you all when I am feeling low. I hope my thoughts bring you the strength. Knowing I am not alone will certainly give me support.
Lost, Christmas, Smile and others,
It is almost a year since my husband entered a guilty plea to the charge of making (viewing) illegal images of children. Like every other person here I thought my heart was broken, my marriage over, friendships finished and my career gone. My husband of over thirty years lost his job, had to sell his beloved car and entered therapy and the Stop It Now group programmes wondering how on earth he had come to this.
Thanks to his hard work and painful honesty plus a great solicitor he left Court with just two years community supervision and two years on the SOR.
Today, between dropping me off to my work's Christmas lunch and doing some festive shopping, he went to the police station to renew his SOR registration. Afterwards we celebrated reaching the halfway point of this particular journey. It really is remarkable at how resilient is the human spirit and how, almost without noticing, we are rebuilding our lives. We still have bad days and dark thoughts but I can't remember when I last had a panic attack and the doorbell doesn't frighten me anymore.
We have all been through so much, none of it our fault, but I just wanted to say things do get better and hearts do heal.
It is almost a year since my husband entered a guilty plea to the charge of making (viewing) illegal images of children. Like every other person here I thought my heart was broken, my marriage over, friendships finished and my career gone. My husband of over thirty years lost his job, had to sell his beloved car and entered therapy and the Stop It Now group programmes wondering how on earth he had come to this.
Thanks to his hard work and painful honesty plus a great solicitor he left Court with just two years community supervision and two years on the SOR.
Today, between dropping me off to my work's Christmas lunch and doing some festive shopping, he went to the police station to renew his SOR registration. Afterwards we celebrated reaching the halfway point of this particular journey. It really is remarkable at how resilient is the human spirit and how, almost without noticing, we are rebuilding our lives. We still have bad days and dark thoughts but I can't remember when I last had a panic attack and the doorbell doesn't frighten me anymore.
We have all been through so much, none of it our fault, but I just wanted to say things do get better and hearts do heal.
Judith
Hope you are doing ok I remember reading your post at the beginning
So good to hear your positive post xx
Wishing you both a wonderful Christmas x
Hope you are doing ok I remember reading your post at the beginning
So good to hear your positive post xx
Wishing you both a wonderful Christmas x
To all you wonderful ladies on here thank you so very much for your support and words -this forum is what is keeping me going at the moment and knowing that I'm not alone is a lifesaver ( literally as I have been feeling desperate of late)
Christmas is such a difficult time for so many people for a number of reasons and I wish you all strength to get through it.
Christmas is such a difficult time for so many people for a number of reasons and I wish you all strength to get through it.