Family and Friends Forum

Hi N Welcome to the group. So sorry you're going through this and at Christmas time aswel. The shock is awful. I was in your shoes this time last year. We are mostly mums, wives, sisters and daughters of offenders and we are all at different stages of this nightmare. Everyone here on the group can relate to every emotion you're feeling and nobody will judge anything you say or feel.

"The Knock" as it's known here when the police turn up at home or work with a search warrant to search devices is so traumatic and intrusive. The family members are just left to pick up the pieces with no consideration to how this affects offenders loved ones. It will take a while to process and I'd suggest you phone Stopitnows helpline for more support and maybe speak to your GP if you are struggling to cope.

This is a lonely crime for offenders and their families. And it's a long road. In our case one mobile phone was taken away to be checked by forensics and that took 9 months. The police won't really be in contact until you're at that stage. And a solicitor won't be able to do much either until the evidence report is ready.

But that can be a good thing in a way, it gives you and your family time to process all of this and hire a good criminal defence solicitor. This is the time aswel to engage in counselling for you and your partner to address his issues and subsequent offending.

Images and videos are categorised as Cat A, B, C. With Cat A being the most serious. Possesion of iioc is known legally as "making" because once you download an image that's another file of the image made....but its often confused for "Taking" which are the people actually taking the photos or videos of children.

Ask your partner as many questions as you can, ask if he has distributed any images or videos to others online. Ask how far back does this crime go...one year of offending or 10 years of offending. Ask has he downloaded/distributed a few hundred images or a few thousand images over the years.

I would advice when things are so raw not to make any huge decisions. Just start getting as much information from your partner. People can panic at the start by telling lots of family members or worrying they need to move away and change names. Just try to get over Christmas for your boys and start dealing with this gradually in January. Tell only those you really trust as you'd be surprised at people's reaction to this. It's good your partner is showing remorse. You will have to have lots of unpleasant and brutally honest discussions with him to figure out where you stand for the future and chances are he won't understand all his actions either xx

Hi N

firstly, don't make any hasty or life changing decisions yet. Unfortunately you're in for the long haul - this may go on for months or even years, it's the pitts. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
go through this forum from the beginning, make notes re social services and any tips you may find helpful.
Ring the helpline (you don't have to give your real name) do the inform course, get private counselling.
One thing I would say is don't tell anyone else at the moment, I told people I thought I trusted and they let me down badly and told others. Once it's told you can't take it back.
All the thoughts and emotions you are feeling are normal. I'm post sentencing and still hate my partner of many years every few days! but never blame yourself.
Look after yourself and your children first x

Hi J

My husband also admitted to an addiction to cocaine when he was arrested. That night I dragged him to an Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It was the best thing for him. He will have been clean for 6 months on Christmas day.

Having done some research, I realise that cocaine increases "risky sexual behaviour".

You are not alone x

N

All I can say, look after yourself, allow yourself to feel the anger and use counselling sessions to express it. I went into fixit mode in the early days, bottled up my anger, and its still bubbling out two years later

Hi N ,

how long before the knock did the offence take place?

Stay strong look after yourself and try not to worry and read anything that's not helpful .

Everyone told me this but all I did was search the internet and worry and make myself ill.

You havnt committed a crime and it's so hard to not let it affect you but just take things easy xxx

I know how you feel I'm the same :( my emotions change daily and I'm post sentencing but now I'm searching and stressing over social services. This journey is the worst thing I could ever imagine but unfortunately we're all in it now and have to push through.

I think I need to go to therapy or somthing I always though I don't need therapy I just need answers but seems like there's always something on this journey xx

N When the solicitor phoned my husband 9 months after the arrest to say the evidence report was ready, I went with my husband to the solicitors office. Hubby had to give solicitor his permission to allow me full disclosure. It means I was informed of everything and was able to read the evidence that had been found by forensics for myself.

For me I felt it was really important to read exactly what had been found instead of taking my husbands word for it.

Obviously after a crime like this is found out there are trust issues in a relationship and also my husband has tried explaining what he had been viewing but it's a very awkward and upsetting conversation for any couple to have. He'd end up getting very upset and panicked when we would try to discuss the images and I'd end up screaming at him asking how could he do it etc.

For me reading the evidence was just the smartest thing to do so nobody could say I was in denial or didn't know all the facts of his crime or was being manipulated by my husband etc. But its a very hard read so be prepared.

Knowledge is power so I also attended his plea hearing and then sentencing for the same reasons. I could see and hear how his case was progressing for myself. Things were like a blur for my husband. I was fed up of feeling like a manipulated gullible poor wife.

I would definitely recommend asking your husband for full disclosure with his solicitor, especially if your 2 boys are underage and you're dealing with social services. It looks better if you know exactly what's happened instead of just taking your husbands word for it. You can't protect your children properly if you don't know what exactly your hubby has done.

You have asked about how our marriage is going and how we've dealt with everything. There's no short answer. Myself and hubby separated after the arrest as we had a newborn and he wasn't allowed to return to the house due to bail conditions. He lost his job and we had to sell our home a few months after that. Now he has just started a custodial sentence.

I genuinely don't think marriages could be more tested. You have betrayal, secrets, lies, hubby living a double life, police showing up with a warrant, confusion how this crime could have happened in your own home. Shame. Suddenly being a single mother. Then bail conditions, social services, financial pressures, homelessness and now prison.

Honestly I don't know what the future holds. I've read the evidence report, I've started counselling. I've asked my husband all the horrible awkward questions a wife should never need to ask. We are a year later and I'm still struggling with all of it.

He sits in prison and I visit every weekend as a wife/friend. It looks like he'll never be allowed to be a dad to our child according to social services. I'm heartbroken, tired and sad. I wish I had the answers for you. We are just putting one foot in front of the other for now xx

I know what you mean when you say you must be stupid when this was going on in your home. Social services even asked me after the arrest if I was aware this was happening. It made me feel even more pathetic. It's why I went to the plea hearing and sentencing. I had to know for myself because I feel like the man I married has 2 sides to him now, the lovely kind honest husband and the guy who was doing this when I was pregnant, basically leading a double life. And for me the trust is gone, for now anyway. I still think he's a great guy in many ways but was capable of doing this aswel. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say and I must have gone over everything in my mind the last year looking for signs and beating myself up further. It really is mental torture.

Not to mention the knock your self esteem takes when this crime is exposed. I can understand porn stars with huge false breasts or the curvy Kim kardashian types but this crime is a whole lot more confusing to me and will take a lot of counselling.

On our wedding day we said for better or worse and this is definitely for worse. But for now I support him as a friend because I still love him and wouldn't want anything to happen to him. I can't say i support him as a wife because we havnt lived together for a year now. My advise would be to not make any major decisions. Wait to read the evidence, wait to see what happens at the sentencing. Wait to see what he says after he gets help for himself between now and sentencing. Just take things one day at a time because it can be a long journey. Make sure to look after yourself and your boys. What will be, will be xx

Oh gosh, you poor poor thing. Glad your baby is ok for now. Sending hugs xx

Haha, my children have facial hair but I still call them my babies!



I am so sorry this has been happening for you. The lack of sleep is the worst. I have found anti depressants and Nytol very helpful in this.

Have you been to you GP?



x

Well done on getting the anti depressants but I'm sorry to hear about the Zombie N.



xx

I couldn't put it any better into words than everyone already has above. So I just wanted to send you lots of love. Take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. And I hope your son is ok xx

Hope your okay N . Sending love xxx

My person was off bail because it took so long and released under investigation but still wasn't aloud home xx

I would assume so . But they should have said . Did they say you are to supervise contact with your children? I think we got a letter to say bail wasn't extended but he was now RUI . but wasn't aloud home . And now after sentencing the social are back in touch and are not happy were doing supervised visits. But maybe yours is different xxx

Please get it in writing N, these things have a habit of biting you on the ass when professionals deny things. Check everything because unless it's in writing it didn't happen x

I'm so thankful for this thread, I have so many questions you guys have helped massively with some of those.
the feeling of loneliness is just huge and I can't see the end where a sort of normal life can resume with a degree of peace!

my husband was arrested in April for iioc, the phone work has just been completed this week and it seems it worse than he has led me to believe. He has also used our personal images that should be for our eyes only and posted them on sites online, police came out and I was expecting them to tell me more information about the case and what he had done, not for a second did I ever imagine they would tell me I was also a victim in that way! I'm utterly destroyed by all of this.

SteSar, I hear you. Xx