MUMS I NEED HELP WITH SS
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Hi,
Did you have full disclosure from the solicitor? Where have they got this information from? Ask them to follow up their visit with an email quoting their evidence and sources. Are you currently on a plan? Try not to panic about them taking things further, it may actually work in your favour if they fund an independent risk assessment xxx
Did you have full disclosure from the solicitor? Where have they got this information from? Ask them to follow up their visit with an email quoting their evidence and sources. Are you currently on a plan? Try not to panic about them taking things further, it may actually work in your favour if they fund an independent risk assessment xxx
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Hi, I'm not as far into this journey as you. Your SW sounds like she's being unfair, if she's threatening to take things further can you not take free legal advice? Surly your children have the rights to see there dad!!
she doesn't sound very helpful and sounds like she's got a lot of her personal options in the way. Could you ask for a private risk assessment? Ask the oic what info has been shared with them and where they are getting searching for your daughters name from.
she doesn't sound very helpful and sounds like she's got a lot of her personal options in the way. Could you ask for a private risk assessment? Ask the oic what info has been shared with them and where they are getting searching for your daughters name from.
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Hi,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with them. So it sounds like they've had a section 47 meeting?
you need to get confirmation of what meeting they have had and what their next steps are, what letter did you sign?
I know you have been supervising since his arrest, but they can change that contact if they aren't happy or think there is a risk. Since his arrest what work have you done to show you understand the crime/offence and can be protective?
In most cases they won't fund an independent risk assessment until you are in PLO/court proceedings-and even this won't gaurantee a positive outcome if you haven't done the work to educate yourself, it'll just come back with recommendations that you do it. You also need to get full disclosure of all the evidence the police had, because otherwise ss will always say you can protect as you don't know what you are protecting against.
Your OH would have seen the evidence at the court stage for his plea and sentencing? You could contact his solicitor and ask to see it? Without seeing it you can never 100% say to ss that what they are saying is untrue, because they will see it as you are just believing your OH without any evidence to back you up.
in our case the OIC said untrue information to ss-as I had seen the evidence I could say it was untrue. 10 months of fighting and we have just got that information redacted, although damage has already been done by it. You can't fight without the knowledge you need.
I know how hard it is with a baby to go through this and all the extra work and pressure it puts on you, but unfortunately it all falls on you to do it. It will be a hard fight to get to where you want to be, so you have to prepare yourself for it. They have an opinion about your OH, it doesn't matter what he does now- although it would be better if he was engaging in a lff/safer lives course and therapy. To move forward you need to show you understand the risk he poses and can protect against it.
-LFF course is free, stop so course is £150, breaking the cycle course is free. Safeguarding courses are cheap. The safer lives support group
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with them. So it sounds like they've had a section 47 meeting?
you need to get confirmation of what meeting they have had and what their next steps are, what letter did you sign?
I know you have been supervising since his arrest, but they can change that contact if they aren't happy or think there is a risk. Since his arrest what work have you done to show you understand the crime/offence and can be protective?
In most cases they won't fund an independent risk assessment until you are in PLO/court proceedings-and even this won't gaurantee a positive outcome if you haven't done the work to educate yourself, it'll just come back with recommendations that you do it. You also need to get full disclosure of all the evidence the police had, because otherwise ss will always say you can protect as you don't know what you are protecting against.
Your OH would have seen the evidence at the court stage for his plea and sentencing? You could contact his solicitor and ask to see it? Without seeing it you can never 100% say to ss that what they are saying is untrue, because they will see it as you are just believing your OH without any evidence to back you up.
in our case the OIC said untrue information to ss-as I had seen the evidence I could say it was untrue. 10 months of fighting and we have just got that information redacted, although damage has already been done by it. You can't fight without the knowledge you need.
I know how hard it is with a baby to go through this and all the extra work and pressure it puts on you, but unfortunately it all falls on you to do it. It will be a hard fight to get to where you want to be, so you have to prepare yourself for it. They have an opinion about your OH, it doesn't matter what he does now- although it would be better if he was engaging in a lff/safer lives course and therapy. To move forward you need to show you understand the risk he poses and can protect against it.
-LFF course is free, stop so course is £150, breaking the cycle course is free. Safeguarding courses are cheap. The safer lives support group
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They can't just take your children, but they can escalate things if they thought it was necessary. They can take you to court and put contact orders in place and very strict restrictions.
The most important thing you can do is show how you are protective, you understand the crime, you are not minimising it and you know the risk.
You supervising so you can see it isn't happening doesn't mean it won't happen-without recognising the risks (even if you really don't think it will happen) means that opportunities can be created. And that is what they are worried about, they are saying he is this monster, so they think he will make these opportunities. You need to show you understand that risk and can protect against it, supervising all contact without understanding that isn't being protective.
unfortunately we have been put in situations where even if we don't think or believe our partners could abuse a child or our children, we have to accept that there is a risk they could because of their behaviour.
what is in place for him to be accountable for his behaviours? Are you aware of his triggers for porn use, do you have open communication.
Send an email tomorrow to the sw who came out today. State that the visit was interrupted by the baby and dog, you need another meeting where these things can be discussed. Ask for what their precise concerns are-in writing. What their recommendations for you are. For her to clarify any points from today that you don't remember properly. Ask her where she got her disclosure from, if she cannot provide you with a copy for it do a data request.
mid they had a section 47 meeting you should have got the minutes and decisions from it.
fighting it will be hard, I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. It's really f**cking hard and it takes up so much time and energy. It will be even harder to do alone, you need to have a support circle which is wider than your OH (this will also be seen negatively by ss, if no one else knows, no one else can help you protect) also depending on how far they escalate the risk quickly, if they go to PLO/court proceedings they ask for family members for viability assessments. But if you think you can do it, fight. Our children deserve their dads-but it won't be easy and you'll need to do work
The most important thing you can do is show how you are protective, you understand the crime, you are not minimising it and you know the risk.
You supervising so you can see it isn't happening doesn't mean it won't happen-without recognising the risks (even if you really don't think it will happen) means that opportunities can be created. And that is what they are worried about, they are saying he is this monster, so they think he will make these opportunities. You need to show you understand that risk and can protect against it, supervising all contact without understanding that isn't being protective.
unfortunately we have been put in situations where even if we don't think or believe our partners could abuse a child or our children, we have to accept that there is a risk they could because of their behaviour.
what is in place for him to be accountable for his behaviours? Are you aware of his triggers for porn use, do you have open communication.
Send an email tomorrow to the sw who came out today. State that the visit was interrupted by the baby and dog, you need another meeting where these things can be discussed. Ask for what their precise concerns are-in writing. What their recommendations for you are. For her to clarify any points from today that you don't remember properly. Ask her where she got her disclosure from, if she cannot provide you with a copy for it do a data request.
mid they had a section 47 meeting you should have got the minutes and decisions from it.
fighting it will be hard, I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. It's really f**cking hard and it takes up so much time and energy. It will be even harder to do alone, you need to have a support circle which is wider than your OH (this will also be seen negatively by ss, if no one else knows, no one else can help you protect) also depending on how far they escalate the risk quickly, if they go to PLO/court proceedings they ask for family members for viability assessments. But if you think you can do it, fight. Our children deserve their dads-but it won't be easy and you'll need to do work
Im not sure I have the fight in me for anything anymore :(
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I'll help where I can.
We are only a few weeks after sentencing but are trying to get my oh home. From the start I took it upon myself to Google search different information I thought I needed to understand as much as possible the categories the difference between possession distribution and so on. I started PANTS through nspcc before anyone told me about it it was something I found this was also mentioned in my last cin meeting the other day that I have done my own research and that they are happy that my just turned 4 year old has known for over a year what parts are no go areas. She's also happy that I will continue this conversation and be explaining it to my 2 year old that doesn't understand any of it yet.i have then done a 10 week safeguarding program through a family worker it was at least 2.5 hours one day a week but gave a lot of incite to the cycle and signs to look out for. I've been in contact with stop it now. My doctor's and tried therapy.i have also said I will be doing the inform course they have all took this as protective because most of it I have done off my own back instead of being told to do it. The main part she mentioned the other day is that my oh parents and my own both know of the offence and that they can all have stuff in place to safeguard my babies aswell as just me. My oh is towards the end of his inform plus course his also done some of the modules online and once his inform plus course finishes his starting the aurora project that his been on waiting list for since last year that he seeked out himself. His working well with visor and just properly met his po. Please try and do some sort of course without them asking it makes it look like you are taking it seriously (even though you are) it just takes some of that risk away. Like you I told them I did safeguarding and mappa through my job before all this but when doing the courses it's nothing like it at all. Please also Google PANTS it's really good for the kids and you can have a age appropriate talk about areas that nobody else should see or touch. It's for children aged 5 upwards but I used it from when mine was just turning 3 and he now fully understands about everything even about who to call if he uses the toilet and needs help without telling him about my oh offence. I hope all this helps you xx
We are only a few weeks after sentencing but are trying to get my oh home. From the start I took it upon myself to Google search different information I thought I needed to understand as much as possible the categories the difference between possession distribution and so on. I started PANTS through nspcc before anyone told me about it it was something I found this was also mentioned in my last cin meeting the other day that I have done my own research and that they are happy that my just turned 4 year old has known for over a year what parts are no go areas. She's also happy that I will continue this conversation and be explaining it to my 2 year old that doesn't understand any of it yet.i have then done a 10 week safeguarding program through a family worker it was at least 2.5 hours one day a week but gave a lot of incite to the cycle and signs to look out for. I've been in contact with stop it now. My doctor's and tried therapy.i have also said I will be doing the inform course they have all took this as protective because most of it I have done off my own back instead of being told to do it. The main part she mentioned the other day is that my oh parents and my own both know of the offence and that they can all have stuff in place to safeguard my babies aswell as just me. My oh is towards the end of his inform plus course his also done some of the modules online and once his inform plus course finishes his starting the aurora project that his been on waiting list for since last year that he seeked out himself. His working well with visor and just properly met his po. Please try and do some sort of course without them asking it makes it look like you are taking it seriously (even though you are) it just takes some of that risk away. Like you I told them I did safeguarding and mappa through my job before all this but when doing the courses it's nothing like it at all. Please also Google PANTS it's really good for the kids and you can have a age appropriate talk about areas that nobody else should see or touch. It's for children aged 5 upwards but I used it from when mine was just turning 3 and he now fully understands about everything even about who to call if he uses the toilet and needs help without telling him about my oh offence. I hope all this helps you xx
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It's there job to give you support I'd state that you haven't had no support from them. I've actually done this once before but to her face she didn't know what to say ( it was one of my bravier moments). What courses are they going to put you on to help you? I'd put all of it in an email. I did a course that the sw put my name down for I'm not sure if it's by areas but surely it should be the same for everyone. I know how you feel about the kids with you 24/7 I have two toddlers that don't leave my side and don't nap in the day to get anything done x
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Hi Xxx,
From your posts and replies it comes across that you are completely overwhelmed. I want you to know that this feeling is normal because it is scary to be involved with ss and obviously this whole world is something none of us ever imagined we'd be part of.
If you are able to write a list of everything you need to do and ask and work your way through the list. Start by requesting all of the evidence then you'll be able to identify the risks and your safety plan can then reflect this. Call the helpline on Monday and they will advise you on the course for family. This course gives an understanding of how people can end up in this situation. You have been given some good advice in this post, when you're up to it go through it as objectively as you can. Sending love xxx
From your posts and replies it comes across that you are completely overwhelmed. I want you to know that this feeling is normal because it is scary to be involved with ss and obviously this whole world is something none of us ever imagined we'd be part of.
If you are able to write a list of everything you need to do and ask and work your way through the list. Start by requesting all of the evidence then you'll be able to identify the risks and your safety plan can then reflect this. Call the helpline on Monday and they will advise you on the course for family. This course gives an understanding of how people can end up in this situation. You have been given some good advice in this post, when you're up to it go through it as objectively as you can. Sending love xxx
XXX Sweetheart, I see your struggle.
The ladies here have already said what to do, but having been in your shoes myself, I can see that nothing is getting in. Your head seems a mess, and I empathise with that greatly.
First of all, I beg you to take care of yourself. This is no "Yummy mummy" hack, this is imperative as, if you don't take care of yourself, you can not take care of your beautiful girls. We're always told to be martyrs as mothers, when is the complete opposite.
Please go to the Drs, try to eat and sleep well. Limit your Internet use. Take some time away from the forums and if you can, also from your partner. Nothing against him, but just so you have a breather from the situation he has brought up to you and the girls. Once you feel slightly human, come back to this thread with a pen and a writing pad and make a plan of what to do with the magnificent advice given here.
Is proper crap that we're in this position, and you know what? No one cares. SS don't care, they just care about the impression we give them, and as such, you need to be the figure of complete calmness and control. It sucks it really does, but it needs to be done.
And it will only get done by you being on your A game, so love bomb the hell out of you. You need it.
Big hugs xx
The ladies here have already said what to do, but having been in your shoes myself, I can see that nothing is getting in. Your head seems a mess, and I empathise with that greatly.
First of all, I beg you to take care of yourself. This is no "Yummy mummy" hack, this is imperative as, if you don't take care of yourself, you can not take care of your beautiful girls. We're always told to be martyrs as mothers, when is the complete opposite.
Please go to the Drs, try to eat and sleep well. Limit your Internet use. Take some time away from the forums and if you can, also from your partner. Nothing against him, but just so you have a breather from the situation he has brought up to you and the girls. Once you feel slightly human, come back to this thread with a pen and a writing pad and make a plan of what to do with the magnificent advice given here.
Is proper crap that we're in this position, and you know what? No one cares. SS don't care, they just care about the impression we give them, and as such, you need to be the figure of complete calmness and control. It sucks it really does, but it needs to be done.
And it will only get done by you being on your A game, so love bomb the hell out of you. You need it.
Big hugs xx
Xxx from your posts you just sound so overwhelmed and stressed.
go back to basics and write everything down, timeline, dates, meetings, emails etc. keep them as factual as possible.
have a water tight safety plan.
maybe back off for now with trying to get unsupervised contact or getting husband home and be seen to be working with SS and not against with the stance of 'I understand your concerns raised but as I am supervising all contact, I am therefore reducing the risk'
contact stop so te councilling
Contact stop it now re the inform course and helpline if you need a rant
ring the main SS office via your local council and tell them you are not getting along with SW - ask for a change and start again fresh on a positive note of 'I will work with you' or ask to speak to the manager and tell her you're constantly being ignored.
you should know if you're on a CPP or not, ask for copy of assessment (you should already have one).
Oh to contact solicitor and ask for full disclosure for you. Although he will already know this so I would be questioning his honesty.
reduce your time spent on the forum and throw yourself into things that will look good in SS eyes
have you a parent sister or good friend that you can tell to help you out with childcare and give you a break? It would also look good for SS if you had that one supportive person who was aware and helping you.
tell oh to be proactive, courses etc and work with PO and SS too.
it's a horrible situation and I really feel for you but you need to tick all the boxes if you wish to get anywhere, kids first, oh last x
go back to basics and write everything down, timeline, dates, meetings, emails etc. keep them as factual as possible.
have a water tight safety plan.
maybe back off for now with trying to get unsupervised contact or getting husband home and be seen to be working with SS and not against with the stance of 'I understand your concerns raised but as I am supervising all contact, I am therefore reducing the risk'
contact stop so te councilling
Contact stop it now re the inform course and helpline if you need a rant
ring the main SS office via your local council and tell them you are not getting along with SW - ask for a change and start again fresh on a positive note of 'I will work with you' or ask to speak to the manager and tell her you're constantly being ignored.
you should know if you're on a CPP or not, ask for copy of assessment (you should already have one).
Oh to contact solicitor and ask for full disclosure for you. Although he will already know this so I would be questioning his honesty.
reduce your time spent on the forum and throw yourself into things that will look good in SS eyes
have you a parent sister or good friend that you can tell to help you out with childcare and give you a break? It would also look good for SS if you had that one supportive person who was aware and helping you.
tell oh to be proactive, courses etc and work with PO and SS too.
it's a horrible situation and I really feel for you but you need to tick all the boxes if you wish to get anywhere, kids first, oh last x
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xxx, my advice would be: You must stay absolutely calm and level-headed. It is understandable that you are emotional, but if you speak to social services the way you speak on here, they will use it against you.
I would abide what ss is demanding right now and wouldn't allow him access to the children.
You can still see him without the children.
Make clear to social services that you only consider this temporary though and that you will have a closer look at the evidence, do risk assessments and safeguarding courses in order for him to have contact again in the future.
You must temporarily play by their rules in order to achieve what you want in the future.
I would abide what ss is demanding right now and wouldn't allow him access to the children.
You can still see him without the children.
Make clear to social services that you only consider this temporary though and that you will have a closer look at the evidence, do risk assessments and safeguarding courses in order for him to have contact again in the future.
You must temporarily play by their rules in order to achieve what you want in the future.
Xxx,
Please calm down, take a breath and take your time.
I have worked with Social services and many social workers over the years (related to my job) and the vast majority are caring people who are genuinely protecting the interests of children.
The crimes our loved ones have committed mean that it is absolutely essential that our children are safeguarded in every possible way. Their safety has to come before our desire to have our partners home.
You need to demonstrate a serious level of understanding about the possible threat to your children and how you can help in the safeguarding of your children to minimise this threat in the future.
You have been offered some excellent advice on here from others . Please follow this advice and I'm sure that things will begin to calm down for you.
Please calm down, take a breath and take your time.
I have worked with Social services and many social workers over the years (related to my job) and the vast majority are caring people who are genuinely protecting the interests of children.
The crimes our loved ones have committed mean that it is absolutely essential that our children are safeguarded in every possible way. Their safety has to come before our desire to have our partners home.
You need to demonstrate a serious level of understanding about the possible threat to your children and how you can help in the safeguarding of your children to minimise this threat in the future.
You have been offered some excellent advice on here from others . Please follow this advice and I'm sure that things will begin to calm down for you.
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Well done for what you've achieved today. This is all positive x
Tomorrow try to speak to your social worker or email her. Tell her what you have done and explain you understand why they are concerned and that you would like some help and want to work with them. Don't mention him coming home for now. Good luck sweetheart x
Tomorrow try to speak to your social worker or email her. Tell her what you have done and explain you understand why they are concerned and that you would like some help and want to work with them. Don't mention him coming home for now. Good luck sweetheart x
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Well done on achieving what you have today. That is positive progress.
deep breaths and one day at a time.
great advice above - speak/email to SW tell them that you have now read full disclosure and understand why they are concerned. Don't say that you are not concerned.
say you don't know what the future entails for you and him, you just want to keep your kids protected and happy.
Tell them about the courses/calls you've made.
make some notes if it helps so you know what to say.
say you want to work with them and ask what happens next.
personally 1 cat A or 100 - it's the same crime, it could be the difference between a few clicks or downloads, all sickening but you can deal with that/relationship later, focus on getting SW off your back first.
I can't remember whether you said he's allowed contact or can visit kids - if so have set/days times and keep it structured/routine.
Stay calm well done and good luck x
deep breaths and one day at a time.
great advice above - speak/email to SW tell them that you have now read full disclosure and understand why they are concerned. Don't say that you are not concerned.
say you don't know what the future entails for you and him, you just want to keep your kids protected and happy.
Tell them about the courses/calls you've made.
make some notes if it helps so you know what to say.
say you want to work with them and ask what happens next.
personally 1 cat A or 100 - it's the same crime, it could be the difference between a few clicks or downloads, all sickening but you can deal with that/relationship later, focus on getting SW off your back first.
I can't remember whether you said he's allowed contact or can visit kids - if so have set/days times and keep it structured/routine.
Stay calm well done and good luck x
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In my experience school got to know the exact offence - both the official offence and what they first thought (wasn't true). The head has been amazing and supportive to my family, I asked him to keep it low key as I know the staff there and my children's class teacher. He assures me nobody else knows apart from him and the safeguarding lead. I'm sure nursery will be the same so may be best for you to go in in private with 1 person and tell them the basics only. Don't tell them how crap you think SS are or how worried, just state the bare minimum of charges and how you have a safety plan and will protect your children. I'm surprised they didn't contact nursery and the same time as school x