Life after prison
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Hello everyone
I came across this forum.when I was looking for something else and am so pleased to see it's been set up. I'm so pleased it has been started as I know how much I wanted something like this 4years sho. My husband was arrested 4 years ago on suspicion of downloading indecent images and videos of children. 13 months later he was sent to prison and served 8 months plus a further 12 months supervised by probation. He completed his sentence earlier this year but will be on the sex offenders register for about another 8 years.
We separated when he was discharged from prison but remain friends and see each other most days, but never when our grandchildren are visiting.it was a horrendous few years but life has settled down now and I finally feel happy again much of the time. I was fortunate enough to take part in the drama documentary which was shown recently which showed aspects of the impact of our lives. It was a fantastic outlet for me to be able to talk at length to someone neutral about it all. U also attended a Lucy faithful course for families which was an enormous help at the time. when I was going through it I vowed to try and help other women going through the same horrible experiences. I'm happy to exchange messages through this forum with anyone who has questions they want to ask.
Helen
I came across this forum.when I was looking for something else and am so pleased to see it's been set up. I'm so pleased it has been started as I know how much I wanted something like this 4years sho. My husband was arrested 4 years ago on suspicion of downloading indecent images and videos of children. 13 months later he was sent to prison and served 8 months plus a further 12 months supervised by probation. He completed his sentence earlier this year but will be on the sex offenders register for about another 8 years.
We separated when he was discharged from prison but remain friends and see each other most days, but never when our grandchildren are visiting.it was a horrendous few years but life has settled down now and I finally feel happy again much of the time. I was fortunate enough to take part in the drama documentary which was shown recently which showed aspects of the impact of our lives. It was a fantastic outlet for me to be able to talk at length to someone neutral about it all. U also attended a Lucy faithful course for families which was an enormous help at the time. when I was going through it I vowed to try and help other women going through the same horrible experiences. I'm happy to exchange messages through this forum with anyone who has questions they want to ask.
Helen
Helen - I hope you don't mind me asking but what influenced your decision to separate after having stood by your husband for so long.
Thank you for sharing your story. It does help to hear how others have made their way through this nightmare.
Thank you for sharing your story. It does help to hear how others have made their way through this nightmare.
Hi
For me it was hearing more details about the material my husband had viewed. That didn't happen until. This was after many months at his sentencing hearing when the judge described in painful detail what happened in a selection of the videos he had saved. These were of children the ages of our grandchildren and i was absolutely haunted by them. I will never be able to understand how he could how he didn't make a connection between our beloved grandchildren and how would he have felt if it had really been them. He hasn't seen the children since and won't until they are adults and can decide for themselves.
Helen
For me it was hearing more details about the material my husband had viewed. That didn't happen until. This was after many months at his sentencing hearing when the judge described in painful detail what happened in a selection of the videos he had saved. These were of children the ages of our grandchildren and i was absolutely haunted by them. I will never be able to understand how he could how he didn't make a connection between our beloved grandchildren and how would he have felt if it had really been them. He hasn't seen the children since and won't until they are adults and can decide for themselves.
Helen
Thanks for replying Helen. I can understand that. The turning point for me was reading the transcript of my husbands interview with the police. That revealed how serious the offences were and how he had been lying to me about the seriousness. I do wonder if my decision would be different had he been honest from the beginning. There were some descriptions in the document that deeply upset me and although he claims that he didn't see them all he allowed that material into our home and onto a computer used by my daughter for her schoolwork. Although I have no grandchildren at the moment I do often think ahead and am so sad about the implications on what our whole family situation will be if we do have any. X
Hi all, this just rings so true for me. It's 8 years since the knock for me and I still struggle because of a few key things that, like you said, haunt me. One was the things my ex said to the police at interview. The police took great pleasure in telling me that my husband used my post-natal depression and our subsequent 'poor' (his words) sex life as his excuse for doing what he did. This still haunts me because I genuinely feel huge guilt and wonder (at my darkest hours) whether had I been a better wife, he may not have done this. The descriptions of the images also haunt me, and i will be honest, i think they will always haunt me and ruin my ability to have a trusting sexual relationship with anyone else. The final thing for me was knowing that he has gone online in the evenings while I was in bed and while our 2 kids slept. So rather than join me in bed (I was exhausted with 2 young kids), he stayed up doing this. So I guess I am saying that it's not just the offence itself, it's the damage of the other elements that mean you can't be with that person - or I couldn't.
I had similar thoughts and agonized over whether I was too involved with my job and neglected him. Our sex life had fizzled out several years before after struggling for some years because of his erectile problems. I've discovered that this almost seems to be universal for men.committing this type of crime. When I found that out it was a relief because we can't ALL have been responsible for out failing sex lives. I doubt whether I'll ever want to have an intimate relationship again as I wont be able to trust any man in bed.
April
April
Wife and Mum- my heart breaks for you hearing how your husband blamed you not being well for his actions at a time when he should have been caring for you most.
I too have felt guilt and blamed myself for not being good enough but I try to keep reminding myself that nothing I might or might not have done could excuse him. He might not have been happy with our relationship but that is no justification for his actions. I realise now that the problems we had in our sexual relationship were caused by his porn addiction and not by me. I am angry that he has let me blame myself for years but also guilty that I didn't see what was going on. Surely he should have been able to talk to me about it all. I spent many evenings in bed exhausted and crying as I wanted him with me but he told me he needed to stay up and work. All the lies and betrayal are just too much without even thinking about the nature of the material he had been looking for.
big hugs to you all. X
I too have felt guilt and blamed myself for not being good enough but I try to keep reminding myself that nothing I might or might not have done could excuse him. He might not have been happy with our relationship but that is no justification for his actions. I realise now that the problems we had in our sexual relationship were caused by his porn addiction and not by me. I am angry that he has let me blame myself for years but also guilty that I didn't see what was going on. Surely he should have been able to talk to me about it all. I spent many evenings in bed exhausted and crying as I wanted him with me but he told me he needed to stay up and work. All the lies and betrayal are just too much without even thinking about the nature of the material he had been looking for.
big hugs to you all. X
Ahhhh I just burst into tears! How good is it to have you guys to share the feelings?!? It's like we are all feeling and thinking almost the same thing, and yet for 8 years I haven't had one person to talk to about these really intimate feelings. You are so right, if we were failing our husbands sexually then they were perfectly able to a) tell us and ask for a divorce, b) have an affair with an appropriately aged person, c) use legal porn...and many other options. When I'm rational i know that I am not to blame and that I couldn't have changed this. But I will never stop judging myself and I will never be able to trust a man again (fully). Don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful friends and also male friends, but to give myself fully to someone - no that won't happen (and i am fine with that). x
Hi all. I just wanted to respond to comments made regarding sex lives on this post.
I was with my partner for just under nine years and I was in my early 20s and he in his early 30s when we first started seeing one another. The first six-12 months was ok sexually but from then onwards our sex life took a real turn for the worse and I regularly raised it as an issue, when my partner would blame me for ‘going on at him all the time’ in relation to things being done around the house and how my behaviour towards him would stop him from wanting sex with me. I often made an effort to dress up or surprise him and would always be the one to initiate sex. However, he continued to turn me down and humiliate me getting cross with me to the point I stopped trying. Please please please do not think that what they did is any reflection on you and your capacity to please them sexually. In my view my partner had a sexual preference. Even when we did have sex I would often be facing away from him (his preference) - something I have only realised as being so significant since I’ve been in a really healthy, loving relationship.
Please do not take responsibility for their actions. As you say, they could have sought other means of sexual gratification had they wanted to. This was their choice.
Sending much love xx
I was with my partner for just under nine years and I was in my early 20s and he in his early 30s when we first started seeing one another. The first six-12 months was ok sexually but from then onwards our sex life took a real turn for the worse and I regularly raised it as an issue, when my partner would blame me for ‘going on at him all the time’ in relation to things being done around the house and how my behaviour towards him would stop him from wanting sex with me. I often made an effort to dress up or surprise him and would always be the one to initiate sex. However, he continued to turn me down and humiliate me getting cross with me to the point I stopped trying. Please please please do not think that what they did is any reflection on you and your capacity to please them sexually. In my view my partner had a sexual preference. Even when we did have sex I would often be facing away from him (his preference) - something I have only realised as being so significant since I’ve been in a really healthy, loving relationship.
Please do not take responsibility for their actions. As you say, they could have sought other means of sexual gratification had they wanted to. This was their choice.
Sending much love xx