Should I Share?
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I'm four years in but new to this forum. I wish I'd had the courage to post before as reading everyone's stories and comments is very supportive so thank you in advance.
My OH and I split last month after a long and painful journey. I tried to keep everything normal, tried to deny the shock of discovering his other online life and tried to keep my grown up children in my life, working hard to convince them he was a reformed character and life could be normal and happy again. I was wrong to take this burden on by myself but I did, as I am sure many women do. Having lived a lie, keeping secrets to protect my OH and family I am now giving a lot of thought about whether to tell close family about why we have split. My siblings and parents think I am crazy for ending my marriage, I often think the same! It's the elephant in the room. My mum has asked questions but I tell her I can't give her the information she wants because I don't know what else to say.
Now my OH and I are apart there seems less of a reason to keep his behaviour secret. I'm gradually telling friends I'm separated but not why. I feel I could explain to family and that it might help them to support me, to understand. But...I am very aware of the backlash, the stigma attached to this. I'm not sure if risking anger and over reactions from them is something I need right now as I'm pretty fragile as it is.
Reading about some of the reactions you have had to deal with I would really like to know if anyone has successfully shared with family. How should I go about telling them, if at all? Honesty is my default. I feel I'm not being fair to those who love me the most and putting a burden on my children who are also keeping this from family. I'm angry I've been put in this situation and withholding information feels like I'm condoning what he did and he gets to live life with everyone thinking he is a poor man who's wife left him.
My OH and I split last month after a long and painful journey. I tried to keep everything normal, tried to deny the shock of discovering his other online life and tried to keep my grown up children in my life, working hard to convince them he was a reformed character and life could be normal and happy again. I was wrong to take this burden on by myself but I did, as I am sure many women do. Having lived a lie, keeping secrets to protect my OH and family I am now giving a lot of thought about whether to tell close family about why we have split. My siblings and parents think I am crazy for ending my marriage, I often think the same! It's the elephant in the room. My mum has asked questions but I tell her I can't give her the information she wants because I don't know what else to say.
Now my OH and I are apart there seems less of a reason to keep his behaviour secret. I'm gradually telling friends I'm separated but not why. I feel I could explain to family and that it might help them to support me, to understand. But...I am very aware of the backlash, the stigma attached to this. I'm not sure if risking anger and over reactions from them is something I need right now as I'm pretty fragile as it is.
Reading about some of the reactions you have had to deal with I would really like to know if anyone has successfully shared with family. How should I go about telling them, if at all? Honesty is my default. I feel I'm not being fair to those who love me the most and putting a burden on my children who are also keeping this from family. I'm angry I've been put in this situation and withholding information feels like I'm condoning what he did and he gets to live life with everyone thinking he is a poor man who's wife left him.
I have also had to keep it secret for more than four years. And it wasn't until two years after my partner was sentenced that I told any of my family. My partner has the no contact clause on his SHPO and so had to inform a family member as they have an under 16, I hated being in that situation - I had thought I could keep it to myself indefinitely...
The family members took it relatively well, and the fact we only see them at big family events they and SS were happy that safeguarding can be maintained.
I was pressured by the police to tell my mum, I'm still angry that the police threatened to make me disclose to more distant family and that telling my mum would be helpful support. In the end I didn't need to tell the distant family but was too late and had already told my mum. She is very worried about the backlash on me if my partner's conviction was found out, and I don't blame her. But the disclosure is a huge burden on her, I have asked her to not tell other family members. I personally don't want anyone to know unless they legally have to. Having the knowledge about such offending is hard to have on your shoulders, I would not wish it on anyone.
It can be hard to judge how people will react, but I understand the lying makes it so hard and I know I have slipped up with not being consistent. I'm pretty sure my family suspect something. I would consider who you can trust the most, and whether they can 'cope' with the info. One bit of advice I got from the stop it now website is do not feel the need to go into detail of iioc etc, keeping it simple and to the point is all anyone else needs to know.
The family members took it relatively well, and the fact we only see them at big family events they and SS were happy that safeguarding can be maintained.
I was pressured by the police to tell my mum, I'm still angry that the police threatened to make me disclose to more distant family and that telling my mum would be helpful support. In the end I didn't need to tell the distant family but was too late and had already told my mum. She is very worried about the backlash on me if my partner's conviction was found out, and I don't blame her. But the disclosure is a huge burden on her, I have asked her to not tell other family members. I personally don't want anyone to know unless they legally have to. Having the knowledge about such offending is hard to have on your shoulders, I would not wish it on anyone.
It can be hard to judge how people will react, but I understand the lying makes it so hard and I know I have slipped up with not being consistent. I'm pretty sure my family suspect something. I would consider who you can trust the most, and whether they can 'cope' with the info. One bit of advice I got from the stop it now website is do not feel the need to go into detail of iioc etc, keeping it simple and to the point is all anyone else needs to know.
Honesty is also my default and I hate being in a position where I have to lie or not tell the full truth. I was encouraged by the police to tell someone after his arrest for my own wellbeing. It all happened very quickly, as he was charged the same day and spent a few days in remand before being released on bail. It is a huge thing to keep to ourselves. Both my parents are dead and my sister lives abroad so I don't have close family support. I did tell my sister and she has been amazing. I’ve also told a small number of close friends and a couple of other family members now know. We're still quite early in the journey as he was arrested in August and waiting to be sentenced. But it has been so good to have people I can share this with. They have given me a safe space to cry and talk. I still have friends I would love to share what is really going on with but all they know is that we've separated. I hate watching what I'm saying with them and I worry what will happen after sentencing and it being in the media.
I haven't had any negative reactions, everyone has been very supportive of me and have told me they would support me whatever I decided about our relationship. Most have been shocked by the consequences of him pleading guilty and the restrictions that'll be in place and for how long. (2 conversations with decoys). They mostly think he's been very silly and are angry with him for the upset it's caused.
I haven't had any negative reactions, everyone has been very supportive of me and have told me they would support me whatever I decided about our relationship. Most have been shocked by the consequences of him pleading guilty and the restrictions that'll be in place and for how long. (2 conversations with decoys). They mostly think he's been very silly and are angry with him for the upset it's caused.
I haven't told anyone bar my mum and a friend that lives abroad. Oh and my therapist for obvious reasons.
My mindset is this is my and husband business, no one else.
I've said that we are separated but I don't say why as plenty of people break up for a myriad of reasons that I'm not privy to therefore they don't need to be privy of mine.
In a way it has been liberating. I don't have to give explanations to anyone because, let's face it, once they know they won't always support you even if they wanted to.
I don't want the risk of this being in the open.
My mindset is this is my and husband business, no one else.
I've said that we are separated but I don't say why as plenty of people break up for a myriad of reasons that I'm not privy to therefore they don't need to be privy of mine.
In a way it has been liberating. I don't have to give explanations to anyone because, let's face it, once they know they won't always support you even if they wanted to.
I don't want the risk of this being in the open.
Thank you Majestictopaz, Loulou74 and Green, your experiences are so varied. I can see why you wanted to keep things private Green. If SS hadn't been involved I think my OH and I could have worked through things between us and not separated but ultimately his addiction is a massive betrayal in my eyes. I can see both sides of telling family and you all explain that well.
I don't think my parents would understand and it would be too upsetting for them. My sister could potentially take it badly as we have seen her and her family several times since it all came out and I reckon she would be angry at me for not being open. I think my main reason for telling them would be to not be so alone with this. My children don't want to talk about it, understandably, he is dead to them. I am very aware that once I've said it, I can't unsay it. It feels like a huge gamble and I wonder if I should go warts and all with the truth or give a milder version. It's hard to make it milder though! Now that people know we have separated they are starting to ask questions and I can't even think of a simple version to give them. I know I'm not strong enough to deal with that yet.
I don't think my parents would understand and it would be too upsetting for them. My sister could potentially take it badly as we have seen her and her family several times since it all came out and I reckon she would be angry at me for not being open. I think my main reason for telling them would be to not be so alone with this. My children don't want to talk about it, understandably, he is dead to them. I am very aware that once I've said it, I can't unsay it. It feels like a huge gamble and I wonder if I should go warts and all with the truth or give a milder version. It's hard to make it milder though! Now that people know we have separated they are starting to ask questions and I can't even think of a simple version to give them. I know I'm not strong enough to deal with that yet.
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I can't cope with lies and covering things up. I have told all my family and all my friends. I have made it clear that although we are no longer together I still love my ex partner and will help him from afar. I wanted everyone I care about to know the facts and how they choose to think is their business. Everyone has been extremely shocked about what he's done and very supportive of me. Friends/ family with children have been more vocal. I think to not tell these people who have spent time with him with their children would be deceitful. If it came out later and they hadn't already known, I think they would be annoyed with me.
I see your point but as we all know everyone's circumstances are different. X
Smile, yes I agree. And like you, if it was my son nothing or no one would stop me sticking with him x
Thank you for this. I agree with everything you are all saying which shows how complex and individual things can be. I do know that people are more likely to take an extreme view and not understand why you are or have been supportive of a partner. For me, it's taken four years to decide to separate and for my family they would probably be angry that I stuck with him for so long.
I am alone now and risking losing contact with family is probably holding me back. But they are not fully there for me now anyway as they don't know the whole story. There is also a small risk this could reflect badly on me if this became public knowledge. I have a public facing job and can't risk damaging that even though the police and SS have assured me it won't. It feels like a life sentence.
I am alone now and risking losing contact with family is probably holding me back. But they are not fully there for me now anyway as they don't know the whole story. There is also a small risk this could reflect badly on me if this became public knowledge. I have a public facing job and can't risk damaging that even though the police and SS have assured me it won't. It feels like a life sentence.
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Smile
At the end of the day you ha e to go with your gut (or your heart)
I think it's awful when family members, those people who are supposed to be there for us and love us unconditionally, suddenly put ultimatums or conditions on their acceptance of us.
I have not yet been in this situation, not been rejected by the few family members I have told, but the partner of a family member wants nothing more to do with me or my partner who I am currently supporting. This person also wants my family member to have nothing to do with my partner either, which is hard for them. I find this particularly difficult because my partner is pleading not guilty and I think should be given the benefit of the doubt until the court hearing
I have no problem with any individual not wanting to have anything to do with an offender, that is up to them and their business. But it does not seem right or fair for that person to try and tell other people not to have anything to do with the offender too, either by demanding this directly or indirectly by threatening to cut them off too. That to me is overstepping and none of their business.
At the end of the day you ha e to go with your gut (or your heart)
I think it's awful when family members, those people who are supposed to be there for us and love us unconditionally, suddenly put ultimatums or conditions on their acceptance of us.
I have not yet been in this situation, not been rejected by the few family members I have told, but the partner of a family member wants nothing more to do with me or my partner who I am currently supporting. This person also wants my family member to have nothing to do with my partner either, which is hard for them. I find this particularly difficult because my partner is pleading not guilty and I think should be given the benefit of the doubt until the court hearing
I have no problem with any individual not wanting to have anything to do with an offender, that is up to them and their business. But it does not seem right or fair for that person to try and tell other people not to have anything to do with the offender too, either by demanding this directly or indirectly by threatening to cut them off too. That to me is overstepping and none of their business.
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