Family and Friends Forum

Bless you StressedWife

Firstly well done for posting I can imagine how much of a shock this has been for you

Take a deep breath, your mind will be overcome with so many emotions

This journey is full of anxiety and anticipation and the uncertainty of what will happen

Reach out to the helpline and I am sure you will receive lots of advice from these wonderful people who are in the same situation as you

For me it is my son who offended so my situation is different but the pain is the same x

Do you have family to support you?

As this is the first day of the knock everything will be just a haze,

As you have children unfortunately he will not be able to come home for now

Is he ok? He can also contact the LFF helpline they are non judgemental so beneficial for you both

There are other support groups but I am sure others will be able to offer support and advice on how to contact them

You are not alone in this journey we are here for you

Sending hugs xx

StressedWife

Honestly as hard as this is you just need to know you are not alone

It is probably better not to disclose what has happened to the wider circle but I am glad you have a dear friend to be there, this journey is horrendous I cannot lie, and be warned it will take some time, do not for one second trust the police no matter how caring they seem to be I know for certain they just play the caring card as they want an outcome, did hubby have a solicitor? Duty solicitor?Tell him if they ask him in for a talk he must have one with him

The next few hours, days, weeks and months will be horrendous but you will get through this journey I promise,

Your number one priority is you, and your children, we didn't ask to be here but yet we are, you need to do what is right for you no matter how hard it is for your hubby , he will be gutted, ashamed, denial, but he needs help to understand how he got here, social media needs to be held accountable but that is a different stage, reach out to us all and the helpline xx

StressedWife



It's only been 3 weeks from the knock for me I don't think theirs any feeling that can describe it and I wish I had of just kept it to one person but unfortunately my mam was with me so told some family members as iwas so overwhelmed at the time I couldn't think straight.. I was told to end our relationship and social services would be in touch they phoned a day or so later and closed the case saying they were happy I was keeping my daughter safe but I was sobbing through the whole phonecall I had not processed anything I still haven't and I'd not spoken to my person I'm now going to look into supervised contact I have no idea what that looks like or how it works me and my person have been together 8yrs and were engaged I'm still feeling everything your feeling but with more of a clear vision of what he's done. I think it's the uncertainty of it all that really gets me, please take care of yourself xx

Hi, I just wanted to say so sorry you are here, but very well done for finding this forum so early, the best form of support for us all going through this sh!t show. Great advice from Upset Mum, she has mentioned some very good points about making sure you look after yourself, you unfortunately are the one that will hold the family together whilst this is all going on. I am in a similar situation in that we have also been happily married for many years and this came as a bolt out of the blue for me too. It's nearly 11 months for us since the knock and still no devices back, still waiting. I still, in my head, relive that dreadful morning when the police raided the house. Just horrible.
So as you know social services will be round pretty quickly, one thing that I found very difficult was to convince them that I knew the importance of safeguarding the kids (both teens) as SS repeatedly said that I was minimising the crime and defending him. One of the police officers came back with the social worker a few days after the knock, and he was trying to scare me I think, he would have loved to have seen us split up, but the social worker luckily wasn't like that and after several visits could see that my OH was no physical threat to the kids.
What I would say is that you don't have to make any decisions right now, you will feel very different in one week, one month etc. Don't make any drastic decisions now. Also expect a rollercoaster of emotions as to how you feel about him, this is normal, and again, don't make any rash decisions now. I have felt every emotion under the sun (including hate and sheer rage) but strangely are now closer than we were a year ago.
Reach out to the forum, it's a godsend, and don't tell anyone about this unless you really have to, it's much better keeping quiet at this stage. So glad you have a good friend to confide in though, that's fantastic. Take care

I think you would be able to have an initial consult with a different solicitor without paying, we certainly did as the duty solicitor didn't seem to know what was going on.
Also, yeah it's normal for him to be advised to say no comment, just wait for the evidence to be found. That's the difficult bit, the waiting game. Best of luck X

I'm so sorry you are in this position, eapecially being pregnant.


the knock came in November for us and was similar charges although in my husbands case it was a police decoy and among other reasons has ended the marriage so he won't be coming back home. Things are still very hard but I am starting to feel stronger and more resolved.

Once you can face it I would suggest ensuring he gives you full disclosure with the solicitor so you can be aware of the full details of the charges. This will be unpleasant but helps you be able to reassure social services you are fully aware of the risks (however this took me a few weeks to be ready to do) especially if there's a chance of looking to have him living at home again.

the helpline are amazing and it is really worth calling them at least once, they can talk you through things.



Most importantly take care of yourself too!



there's also lots of helpful suggestions on the forum for talking to kids about things when the time comes, if you use the search



xx

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place for starters.

Although I wasn't pregnant when my knock happened, I have two small kids and this situation changed everything. It will change you too.

My person got arrested for similar but they couldn't prove him guilty of that. However 2 images were found in his devices so got comunity service and 18 months SHPO and 5 years SOR for it.

If your person decides to plead guilty when the time comes, he'll automatically get some reducing in his sentence, which is why this solicitor is advising that. However, it's up to you and your person what to proceed on once all evidence has been gathered.

My main advise at this particular stage for you are:

- Mentalise yourself as a single mum. You are not, but the impositions will mean that you will effectively be as he will no longer be able to be as much as planned.

- Silence as much as you can. Although you're in pain, this is something that people don't see in kind eyes and the judgement can be too much, including people you once though loyal.

- Be prepared for a long waiting game. We were told that the devices will be ready in "3 weeks". It took them a year....which brings me to the next point...

- Do not trust the Police and Social Services. Police are there to secure a sentence, Social Services are there to protect your kids, and that includes protection from you. They will pretend to be on your side, but they're not. And if you haven't decided what your relationship will be, the more you will become someone they don't trust as it makes their work more difficult. So up your mummy game, do all the activities, read all the books, go out, do the healthy cooking, you name it. Pinterest style mum.

- Take all the care of yourself as you can. This is imperative and not a luxury. Do the exercise, take the long baths, do your hair and make up, get the skin cream, whatever makes you feel good, do it.

Big hugs x

Stressed Wife,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It's absolutely horrible so I send hugs and strength to you. At the moment there isn't much to do other than try and make it through the day and look after yourself as best as possible. Things do get better but it's a rollercoaster at each stage of the journey.

In regards to what the solicitor said about pleading guilty to get a lesser sentence... Technically that is correct however nobody should plead guilty to a crime they did not commit and at this stage only your husband will know the contents of the chat. I really don't want to bombard you as I think this stage is so raw and the process takes quite a while but I feel I must say it so you can prepare and it may help you... There are some people who take part in communication with the genuine belief that the person they are speaking with are messing about so to speak and are actually an adult. The law makes it so that anyone who speaks sexually/sends images to someone who has disclosed they are underage are then committing an offence. The importance of this lies in the conversation/evidence in regards to a defence for not truly believing it was a minor. I would be mindful of the solicitor saying to plead guilty at this early stage unless they have seen all of the evidence and believe there is no other option. It will probably take a few months for your husband's device(s) to be forensically checked and likely his bail will be extended so try not to worry too much about imminent changes and prepare for social services. If you search social services in the search bar there will be lots of information about what to say and what not to say etc. which will definitely help you.



I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope some of my post can help you. Please check in and ask any questions you have. The people on here are fantastic and supportive. Big hugs xx

Does he know whether it is a decoy or an actual minor? Usually if it was a decoy the age would be clarified but if it was real then it would potentially be investigated without the Police knowing for sure whether age was stated. For a communication offence to be committed the defendant would need to have known the person was underage and without evidence pertaining to that the case would be very weak on the prosecution's side as they would not be able to prove the crime with intention had been committed.

It's definitely wise to keep people knowing to a minimum and it's great you have someone to support you for now. Hopefully some of the Mums on here can help advise with what to say to your child and give some practical advice about social services x

Oh stressed, this is all so horrid.



with regard to social services, our knock was on a Tuesday and social services came round the next Monday.



the social worker was lovely and just wanted to check that I knew what my OH had done and she spoke to my kids without me being in the room.



The report came through a couple of weeks ago and she didn't mention anything about the state of the house - but I had cleaned it thoroughly over the weekend.



From what I read on here, this experience can vary. But she didn't tear my life apart and the fact that your OH has moved out will be viewed favourably.



xx

Hi Stressed



i don't know if my experience so far will help in terms of the kids...mine are 10 and 7 and haven't seen their dad since he was arrested in November...he pleaded guilty and was remanded in custody awaiting sentencing (as he was a risk to himself, he has complex mental health issues).



Initially the kids were told he was poorly again and the police and SS were involved because sometimes when people are poorly they need help to keep everyone safe. At this point I was in shock and believed he'd be out on bail and able to see them soon.



as things went on (social services agreed a weekly supervised phone call) they were told that he was not able to live at home again or to see them until he had worked on getting better, and that this could take a while. They have had lots of reassurance that none of this is their fault and that nothing we could do would make any difference.



I've spoken with Young Minds and Family Lives, as well as the Stop Helpline and got useful advice on how to tell them that dad has made some bad choices online which are against the law, and because he is a grown up he has to face grown up consequences which are still being decided. I've drop fed information to give them a chance to take things in and ask questions



they know that SS are involved because they are there to ensure everyone is safe and that they have to get to know more about dad and the family in order to do this, and that decisions about when they can see him are currently outside our control. They know we are working towards being able to safely see him, but that we don't know how long it will take.



The 10 yr old wants to know more but I've explained at the moment I can't tell her more but that I will as soon as she is old enough.



m they've needed lots of reassurance that I am not going anywhere and about who they can talk to etc. I also told school so they could have extra emotional support.

Sadly I've now found the full details of his online conversations and have also found other lies about our marriage which is definitely over and I totally understand SS concerns.

it's such a hard balance but it's key that the kids can trust in us as their mums to be honest with them and although there are things we can't tell them yet, that there are reasons for that.



m the childline website has some brilliant resources for kids - games etc that mine have found really helpful

we have sentencing on weds so I will then have to navigate what to tell them if he is staying in prison, or if he is released, and if it is in the press ????

I don't think they tend to disclose whether it is a decoy or not straight away but it would be likely it is a decoy if he was shown chat logs from Snapchat or lots of screenshots as it would suggest an investigation had been carried out with the person collecting evidence, if it was an actual minor I would imagine Snapchat evidence may be minimal at that present time until forensics were done. Hope that makes sense.