Who is this imposter?
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I feel so conflicted. My husband is a wonderful man, kind and loving. Yet hes like a different person online. As far as i know there are no indecent images but there is sexual communication with a minor. Im still awaiting the full details. Even now when i talk to my husband hes still my loving wonderful husband but i know what he said and did. Its like ive been living with two different people. It appears most of his sexual chatting was with adults, i almost find myself being pleased thats the case but still thats not ok really. We are learning about sex addiction and hes recieving help for that which is great. Is sex addiction real or an excuse for bad behaviour. I feel i can forgive and work through it most of the time then i get scared. Is he a paedophile, who is this man who chats online to anyone who will listen. Our relationship was good in all aspects, i was aware of what he likes to chat about sexually and aware he sometimes did it but how has it come to this. I feel like im on a rollercoaster of emotions. Am i deluded thinking its sex addiction?and that it can all be worked out.
Hi Maria,
I understand how you feel - you’ve summed it up well for me too, as this behaviour is so far removed from the man I know and love! My partner was not chatting with anyone - he says he looked at images as a result of a compulsion (or addiction, as we are coming to acknowledge it as) which spiralled out of control. I’ll be honest, it may be naive of me but I had no idea that my partner watched porn or masturbated regularly - certainly not to the extent that he did!! He has hurt himself in the past as a result of it, it has been that bad.
I can echo your words that even now, my partner is still the same loving and caring man he has always been with me. One with strong morals and values, someone his friends can rely upon. This all came as such a shock to me - it really is SO out of character for the man I know, that it’s so hard to reconcile the two. It seems difficult for him too - he is physically disgusted and horrified at what he has seen, and he has described viewing it as an out of body experience, something he felt he had no control over until it was too late, like someone else was at the wheel. He’s tried to stop it all in the past several times, deleting and blocking websites and even getting a new phone, but said that each time he relapsed it felt like he relapsed even harder than before.
We too have been learning a lot about sex addiction. From the reading I have done I believe it is a real problem, but I also don’t believe it can be applied in every case and certainly should not just be used as an excuse for appalling behaviour.
From what my partner has explained, along with the reading I have done (and boy have I done a lot in the past few weeks), I believe his case may be down to sex addiction. He has described being sexually “aware” from a young age, discovering porn in his preteens and pretty much getting hooked on it as soon as he got broadband at home. He seems to have underlying anxiety and depression (which he’s looking into with his doctor) which fuelled his compulsion as a way of coping - in the same way an alcoholic or drug addict turns to their drug of choice to cope with the pressures of life. He got to a point where he couldn’t masturbate without porn, and eventually the “same old stuff” wasn’t enough - he was seeking more and more explicit content to fulfil the compulsion and escape his problems; ironically leading him to more problems, as it set him on the path we are now on.
I cannot speak for your situation, but I do want to believe my partners story and believe it is an addiction which can be overcome with the right support and hard work on his part. Like you I have moments where I feel I could forgive him and we can work through it all, whilst at other times I am disgusted at him and myself for wanting to stay and feel all hope is lost.
This really is an emotional rollercoaster in the truest sense. Please know that, as a community, we are all here for each other to help each other on this journey wherever it may lead us.
I would advise you, and your partner, to speak with Stop It Now and with your GP and get a referral to a therapist if you can/need it. I would also recommend you read up on the subject as much as you can to inform yourself in your decisions, whatever they may be. I have found the books by Paula Hall to be an invaluable resource, as well as a book called “your sexually addicted spouse”. There are a lot more books out there than you would think on the subject, although they do become more scarce when relating specifically to criminal acts involving children. One thing I have found through reading is that it is possible to overcome this and stay with your partner if you choose to, although to say it is hard work would be an understatement. We all have to accept that our lives have changed forever as a result of their actions, and there will no doubt be lasting effects. Our future plans will most certainly have changed, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a future - whether that is with or without your partner.
Sending you love and support for the difficult road ahead xxx
I understand how you feel - you’ve summed it up well for me too, as this behaviour is so far removed from the man I know and love! My partner was not chatting with anyone - he says he looked at images as a result of a compulsion (or addiction, as we are coming to acknowledge it as) which spiralled out of control. I’ll be honest, it may be naive of me but I had no idea that my partner watched porn or masturbated regularly - certainly not to the extent that he did!! He has hurt himself in the past as a result of it, it has been that bad.
I can echo your words that even now, my partner is still the same loving and caring man he has always been with me. One with strong morals and values, someone his friends can rely upon. This all came as such a shock to me - it really is SO out of character for the man I know, that it’s so hard to reconcile the two. It seems difficult for him too - he is physically disgusted and horrified at what he has seen, and he has described viewing it as an out of body experience, something he felt he had no control over until it was too late, like someone else was at the wheel. He’s tried to stop it all in the past several times, deleting and blocking websites and even getting a new phone, but said that each time he relapsed it felt like he relapsed even harder than before.
We too have been learning a lot about sex addiction. From the reading I have done I believe it is a real problem, but I also don’t believe it can be applied in every case and certainly should not just be used as an excuse for appalling behaviour.
From what my partner has explained, along with the reading I have done (and boy have I done a lot in the past few weeks), I believe his case may be down to sex addiction. He has described being sexually “aware” from a young age, discovering porn in his preteens and pretty much getting hooked on it as soon as he got broadband at home. He seems to have underlying anxiety and depression (which he’s looking into with his doctor) which fuelled his compulsion as a way of coping - in the same way an alcoholic or drug addict turns to their drug of choice to cope with the pressures of life. He got to a point where he couldn’t masturbate without porn, and eventually the “same old stuff” wasn’t enough - he was seeking more and more explicit content to fulfil the compulsion and escape his problems; ironically leading him to more problems, as it set him on the path we are now on.
I cannot speak for your situation, but I do want to believe my partners story and believe it is an addiction which can be overcome with the right support and hard work on his part. Like you I have moments where I feel I could forgive him and we can work through it all, whilst at other times I am disgusted at him and myself for wanting to stay and feel all hope is lost.
This really is an emotional rollercoaster in the truest sense. Please know that, as a community, we are all here for each other to help each other on this journey wherever it may lead us.
I would advise you, and your partner, to speak with Stop It Now and with your GP and get a referral to a therapist if you can/need it. I would also recommend you read up on the subject as much as you can to inform yourself in your decisions, whatever they may be. I have found the books by Paula Hall to be an invaluable resource, as well as a book called “your sexually addicted spouse”. There are a lot more books out there than you would think on the subject, although they do become more scarce when relating specifically to criminal acts involving children. One thing I have found through reading is that it is possible to overcome this and stay with your partner if you choose to, although to say it is hard work would be an understatement. We all have to accept that our lives have changed forever as a result of their actions, and there will no doubt be lasting effects. Our future plans will most certainly have changed, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a future - whether that is with or without your partner.
Sending you love and support for the difficult road ahead xxx
Oh Maria, I know exactly what you mean. at about 2 am I drove to the police station to collect my husband and I saw this lost sad figure... and I wondered if it was really him. I remember thinking, it looks like him, but who is it really?
I ahave been in a very similar situation to you. For over 15 years my husband was developing an addiction to online adult sex chat which I knew nothing about. He was the best and most lovely husband, the kindest and nicest Dad to our two children. As the addiction - and indeed, I think it is most similar to an addiction - grew, the rest of life paled for him and he needed more and more risky things to get the same thrill. His work which he had loved took a downturn and our son was doing very badly at school, and then a motorbike accident made him fear his ride to work quite dreadfully. He told none of us about the stress he was under - but he clicked on an underage profile to chat. Fortunately, it was a police officer.
It has been the catalyst he needed to change. He threw himself into repair, attending SAA, finding a therapist, going to SMART addiction recovery sessions. We now understand the causes of his problems much better - a low self esteem, an inability to understand emotions very well, mostly stemming from childhood - and we are working on them. His efforts and the support of family and friends helped to get his sentence suspended, which we didn't expect - he had actually gone to meet the 'person' so he could have been given a 5 year sentence.
We're now putting our lives back together, doing simple good things together, looking after the children and remembering what life can be like. Our families and friends have been very kind, which is incredibly touching; I didn't expect that.
If you and your husband are like us, then the lovely man you know is still there - there's just another bit which needs dealing with. If he's really truly commited to change then you have a great chance of making it.
But there's such a rollercoaster of feelings. Why? Wasn't I good enough? Did I get fatter/older/boring ? What did you think I'd do? What exactly DID you do? Didn't you think of me/your family/your job? They are all very valid feelings and the book the Partners Perspective by Paula Hall is such a good one to read - I felt much less isolated as I realised that I was far from the only one to have these feelings and experiences.
Good luck, my heart is withg you.
I ahave been in a very similar situation to you. For over 15 years my husband was developing an addiction to online adult sex chat which I knew nothing about. He was the best and most lovely husband, the kindest and nicest Dad to our two children. As the addiction - and indeed, I think it is most similar to an addiction - grew, the rest of life paled for him and he needed more and more risky things to get the same thrill. His work which he had loved took a downturn and our son was doing very badly at school, and then a motorbike accident made him fear his ride to work quite dreadfully. He told none of us about the stress he was under - but he clicked on an underage profile to chat. Fortunately, it was a police officer.
It has been the catalyst he needed to change. He threw himself into repair, attending SAA, finding a therapist, going to SMART addiction recovery sessions. We now understand the causes of his problems much better - a low self esteem, an inability to understand emotions very well, mostly stemming from childhood - and we are working on them. His efforts and the support of family and friends helped to get his sentence suspended, which we didn't expect - he had actually gone to meet the 'person' so he could have been given a 5 year sentence.
We're now putting our lives back together, doing simple good things together, looking after the children and remembering what life can be like. Our families and friends have been very kind, which is incredibly touching; I didn't expect that.
If you and your husband are like us, then the lovely man you know is still there - there's just another bit which needs dealing with. If he's really truly commited to change then you have a great chance of making it.
But there's such a rollercoaster of feelings. Why? Wasn't I good enough? Did I get fatter/older/boring ? What did you think I'd do? What exactly DID you do? Didn't you think of me/your family/your job? They are all very valid feelings and the book the Partners Perspective by Paula Hall is such a good one to read - I felt much less isolated as I realised that I was far from the only one to have these feelings and experiences.
Good luck, my heart is withg you.
Your replies are so helpful, i keep coming back to them to find strength to get through it. Its so good to know you are not alone in the way you feel. Jess you mention children, have you had any issues with child services, after conviction were you able to move on with family life or were there ibsticles. It also gives me hope that sentencing can be fair depending on the circumstances, the thiught of him going to court terrifies me. Your stories give me hope that my family may still have a future, thank you so much for sharing your experiences
Maria, regarding the children, I think we were more fortunate than some as our kids were 16 and 17 at the time - I think there might have been more problems if they were younger. A social worker came to assess the family - she seemed surprised I had not thrown my husband out - and assessed me to be a 'protective parent'. As this was the case it was ok for Ken to remain in the house, but any other girls were not supposed to visit. The situation is now that if we sant to have any more than very brief contact with a girl under 18, the parents of the girl need to be informed by social services of his conviction, and the services may want to interview the parents to be sure they too are 'protective parents'. Fortunately our close friends have said they are happy to do this which is very good of them. Ken is supposed to notify the police if he is going to attend an event where young girls may be present (like a theatre outing etc). So it's a manageable situation but one needs to think things through carefully - I have a significant birthday coming up and we have specified clearly 'no kids' for example.
I think it's important to realise that social services only want to hear that you have your kids' safety as a priority - too much sympathy for your husband might be possible for them to misinterpret...
I think it's important to realise that social services only want to hear that you have your kids' safety as a priority - too much sympathy for your husband might be possible for them to misinterpret...
and yes - court was terrifying. We had a good solicitor who made all the difference. Good luck, hold on, I'm hoping so hard for you both...
Hi Maria.
I share your feeling of confliction. When I found out what my husband had done, I could not reconcile this behaviour with the man I know and love. It completely blew my mind. The best reading I have done to date is Paula Hall's book (mentioned by D) Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective. It prompted me to properly explore the reasons (never excuses) for my husbands addiction and subsequent offending including his childhood experiences, mental health, coping mechanisms etc. It was incredibly difficult for him to confront these things (and not a quick process) but with the help of a therapist he did and describes it as a 'weight being lifted'. I've seen a huge change occur in him - he has positivity, energy and determination to make the most of life like never before.
The waiting for a court date (or in our case several because of the constant fluff ups) is the worst part I think because you are in limbo. Whatever the outcome at least it provides a conclusion and you can move on to the next stage, hopefully together.
Wishing you strenth. CMB.
I share your feeling of confliction. When I found out what my husband had done, I could not reconcile this behaviour with the man I know and love. It completely blew my mind. The best reading I have done to date is Paula Hall's book (mentioned by D) Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective. It prompted me to properly explore the reasons (never excuses) for my husbands addiction and subsequent offending including his childhood experiences, mental health, coping mechanisms etc. It was incredibly difficult for him to confront these things (and not a quick process) but with the help of a therapist he did and describes it as a 'weight being lifted'. I've seen a huge change occur in him - he has positivity, energy and determination to make the most of life like never before.
The waiting for a court date (or in our case several because of the constant fluff ups) is the worst part I think because you are in limbo. Whatever the outcome at least it provides a conclusion and you can move on to the next stage, hopefully together.
Wishing you strenth. CMB.