Am I doing this wrong?
Notifications OFF
Since my husband was arrested for communicating with a decoy, I have been through a million emotions and back again, however I have found myself in a position where I have decided to support him and hold on to hope that we can gradually build our family back together. I talk to him every day and I try to spend a few hours with him every now and then, the bottom line is I love him and know in my heart of hearts that he made a horrific mistake whilst in the grips of addiction.
However, I have this niggling fear that I'm setting myself up for further heartbreak down the line. My social worker says I need to give myself some separation and give myself time to heal, I know she's right, but I'm scared that in doing this my husband and I will grow apart. At the moment he has no contact with me children due to his bail conditions and they don't want contact anyway, their wishes will always be my deciding factor in any future developments for us as a family unit.
But, I don't want to let go of nearly 20 years of what has been a lovely marriage, the thought really hurts.
Am I approaching this whole situation wrong?
However, I have this niggling fear that I'm setting myself up for further heartbreak down the line. My social worker says I need to give myself some separation and give myself time to heal, I know she's right, but I'm scared that in doing this my husband and I will grow apart. At the moment he has no contact with me children due to his bail conditions and they don't want contact anyway, their wishes will always be my deciding factor in any future developments for us as a family unit.
But, I don't want to let go of nearly 20 years of what has been a lovely marriage, the thought really hurts.
Am I approaching this whole situation wrong?
Hi lovely,
I literally could have written this post. I feel this every single day. My person was remanded for six months so we had a separation period during which I was dead set on never having feelings for him again. He was the father of my child and that is all. That is not all though, he is so many things to me majority of them positive with just this, the most horrific thing I've ever been through as a negative. Like yours my older children don't want contact so we are in this limbo land where I constantly miss him and then when I do see him I miss my kids. No advice I'm afraid and we are nearly two years post sentencing. I freaked out the other day because his phone auto replied with something that didn't fully make sense in our conversation and my head went straight to who else is he messaging. I've never been insecure but this is enough to drive me insane. I hope that things improve for you soon xxx
I literally could have written this post. I feel this every single day. My person was remanded for six months so we had a separation period during which I was dead set on never having feelings for him again. He was the father of my child and that is all. That is not all though, he is so many things to me majority of them positive with just this, the most horrific thing I've ever been through as a negative. Like yours my older children don't want contact so we are in this limbo land where I constantly miss him and then when I do see him I miss my kids. No advice I'm afraid and we are nearly two years post sentencing. I freaked out the other day because his phone auto replied with something that didn't fully make sense in our conversation and my head went straight to who else is he messaging. I've never been insecure but this is enough to drive me insane. I hope that things improve for you soon xxx
Completely relate. I keep thinking my husband is more than his offence. I think after he is punished everyone deserves a second chance. There are many positive things about him and I can't just close my heart. But then sometimes I feel like a fool. Many people have turned their back on my husband and I sometimes think I'm too soft or worry I'm being gullible. But then I think to myself they havnt lived our life, they don't have our memories, havnt had a baby and future plans. Some people have said I'm being manipulated. They said for him to be sneaking around breaking the law he must have manipulated me at stages and still is now because I havnt turned my back on him. Sometimes I feel its easier for the people who have just walked away and went back to their own lives. If there was a switch to stop having emotions then I would have pushed it a year ago when he was arrested.
That's exactly it! He is so much more than this awful thing he has done. I too have had people suggest I'm being manipulated, but it's quite the opposite. He expects nothing from me, in fact he's still prepared for us to ultimately divorce, not that he wants that, but it's what he believes he deserves. He's so truly remorseful, but he doesn't expect forgiveness from anyone. Maybe one day, it'll all click into place. But, right now all I can do is take it one day at a time.
My husband and I have separated (also decoy), but I still care for him. I have days of hating what he has done and what it has done to our relationship and our family, and I haven't been able to speak to him at some points, but we were together 20 years, and I can't forget all the good times and that basically, he is a good person who went down a really bad rabbit hole. I think everyone deserves a second chance. Who knows what our future holds, but I'll support him as a friend for now.
Post deleted by user
@Smile through tears, It is ridiculous that the police are suggesting you have been groomed. As a mother you can't just switch off the love for your son.
Post deleted by user
I also had a family worker and social say that my husband had groomed me I think they look at any excuse going
loulou74; your post made me smile because there's positivity, certainty and direction in what I read. I'm actually envious and in awe of you.
im sure it wasn't easy for you but my god you sound confident and strong and that made me smile and gave me hope.
I'm still with my OH. Not sure if it's through love or fear of loneliness. Maybe it's a bit of both. I can't justify what he's done. He's done too much (1 chat with decoy but lots of chatting and meeting with adult strangers for sex). However, he is ashamed and extremely remorseful. Had he not been caught I don't think he'd have been either.
I read posts here where people have said their OH's were addicted to porn. I almost wish mine would admit to something like that so I can give what he did a name and make it easier to understand or even forgive but he says he wasn't addicted to porn. He was addicted to the thrill of chatting and meeting strangers. He was addicted to doing something which he knew was wrong; having sex with others when he was married and in a monogamous relationship. What do I do with that information? Some days it's soul destroying and other days I work really hard on being selfish and thinking about me. Unfortunately, the later doesn't last long though. X
im sure it wasn't easy for you but my god you sound confident and strong and that made me smile and gave me hope.
I'm still with my OH. Not sure if it's through love or fear of loneliness. Maybe it's a bit of both. I can't justify what he's done. He's done too much (1 chat with decoy but lots of chatting and meeting with adult strangers for sex). However, he is ashamed and extremely remorseful. Had he not been caught I don't think he'd have been either.
I read posts here where people have said their OH's were addicted to porn. I almost wish mine would admit to something like that so I can give what he did a name and make it easier to understand or even forgive but he says he wasn't addicted to porn. He was addicted to the thrill of chatting and meeting strangers. He was addicted to doing something which he knew was wrong; having sex with others when he was married and in a monogamous relationship. What do I do with that information? Some days it's soul destroying and other days I work really hard on being selfish and thinking about me. Unfortunately, the later doesn't last long though. X
It sounds to me that the term "groomed" is being misused by the police.
It's so awful how sex offenders are not only punished by the authorities but the authorities (police/probation /social work etc seem to actively encourage isolation of the individual from any support systems in the name of safety, and that this is achieved through shaming (implying not being disapproving enough about the offence), stigmatising (implied being complicit or turning a blind eye) , or infantilising (accusations of grooming or minimising) those who would provide support. Worse still, supporting family members are treated as being a risk to children themselves by staying with their partner, by employers (being a risk to children they might work with or railing the reputation of the company) or by social work (not being protective enough of their own children).
Smile, you are right, it's not possible to switch off feelings just like that and when you have known someone for decades, you do know the whole person, their strengths and their weaknesses and in most cases I don't think it's possible to not have any compassion for them.
It's so awful how sex offenders are not only punished by the authorities but the authorities (police/probation /social work etc seem to actively encourage isolation of the individual from any support systems in the name of safety, and that this is achieved through shaming (implying not being disapproving enough about the offence), stigmatising (implied being complicit or turning a blind eye) , or infantilising (accusations of grooming or minimising) those who would provide support. Worse still, supporting family members are treated as being a risk to children themselves by staying with their partner, by employers (being a risk to children they might work with or railing the reputation of the company) or by social work (not being protective enough of their own children).
Smile, you are right, it's not possible to switch off feelings just like that and when you have known someone for decades, you do know the whole person, their strengths and their weaknesses and in most cases I don't think it's possible to not have any compassion for them.
RIG thank you! Definitely not easy but I feel better for having made the decision and it's helped me be there for him when he's needed it. I was holding back before as I didn't want him to think we had a future when I really wasn't sure what I wanted. And being able to support him now, post sentencing when it has become very real for him, has actually made us closer.
I think my husband is similar to yours. He isn't addicted to porn either, he was addicted to the chat and as I found in court had met up with other women. I just don't get it and why. He was struggling with his mental health and it was a distraction, but he also spoke to the decoys. I can't understand why he didn't understand the risks or thought that any of that was okay.
I think my husband is similar to yours. He isn't addicted to porn either, he was addicted to the chat and as I found in court had met up with other women. I just don't get it and why. He was struggling with his mental health and it was a distraction, but he also spoke to the decoys. I can't understand why he didn't understand the risks or thought that any of that was okay.
loulou74; how long did the whole process go on for you? Each day is a struggle. Some days I want the investigation to last long enough for us to sort out financial things in case the worst happens and other days I want it to end immediately so I/we can get on our lives.
I hope I can be as strong as you and get to a place where I have clear direction.
Sending love x
I hope I can be as strong as you and get to a place where I have clear direction.
Sending love x
Ours has been very quick. He was arrested in August 2022 and charged same day. He decided to plead guilty and we had a couple of delays with court but finally sentenced beginning of this year. We are very fortunate that we are fairly comfortable financially so splitting isn't going to be too difficult and I have spent the last few months making sure that I can cope without his income. It won't be as comfortable as we were, he was a high earner, but we'll get by.
Hi Bitterbean Just wanted to say your post really resonated with me, I felt really patronised after a conversation with a friend the other day. Good to know I'm not alone in feeling shamed/stigmatised /infantilised. Though of course, it would be better to live in a society where I wasn't made to feel this way when I (and all of us here on the forum) haven't done anything wrong.
Post deleted by user
Bitterbean I know and like sometimes I wonder would I be saying the exact same things /behaving the same way if I was them. I've forgotten what it's like to be someone outside this situation.
I have one or maybe two friends who are truly non judgemental. I feel better after be in their company. But I'm very aware of not overburdening them with all my stress.
Two other friends are "supportive" of me but like you say fighting the urge to tell me what to do "it's your own business but I just want to make sure you've thought of x" I have spent way more time thinking about every in and out of this situation, way more than they ever will. I don't want to lose their friendship but it is wearying at times.
I have one or maybe two friends who are truly non judgemental. I feel better after be in their company. But I'm very aware of not overburdening them with all my stress.
Two other friends are "supportive" of me but like you say fighting the urge to tell me what to do "it's your own business but I just want to make sure you've thought of x" I have spent way more time thinking about every in and out of this situation, way more than they ever will. I don't want to lose their friendship but it is wearying at times.
Post deleted by user