Family and Friends Forum

My partners offence was chat room related and no images. He was dealt with at magistrates court. We were told sentencing would be at crown but actually it was all dealt with in one day at magistrates. So i would prepare everything like character references and other documents forvthe 28th just incase. It depends on the sentencing guidelines of the offence and how serious it is. My partner was charged with attempting to commit an offence not actually doing it so the magistrates felt they were able to pass an appropriate sentence but the more serious it is they send it to crown. What has your solicitor advised. Both the police and solicitor gave us a rough idea of the sentence to expect. It's worth paying to talk it all over with the solicitor prior to the hearing if he hasn't already done that. Sometime sentencing at crown court can be better as they have a lot more knowledge of offences.

Hi Chrissy72

I do think it very much depends on the day and the judge, there didn't appear to be a uniformed approach to it, different areas do different things.

I'd like to say if he's getting help and he's pleaded guilty that it'll be a community order or suspended sentence, I think it's be harsh for a custodial sentence.

Good luck I'll be thinking of you xx

He got a suspended prison sentence and community unpaid work, 5 years sor and shpo to do with internet monitoring. It was a bit harsher than everyone expected but I think now it was a fair sentence. Make sure if he is getting help that he gets whoever is helping him (therapist, saa, or anything else) to write something for court to say he is engaging with help, and how he has progressed.

Hi Chrissy. Can I ask what charges were? What has your partner done? My partner's situation just involved chat too but our solicitor has said it probably won't go anywhere if police don't find pictures. My partner was roleplaying a character online (apparently!) and making up stories that weren't true.

Now I've read your post I'm full of anxiety again. Its just so awful isn't it?

I hope things

I would be prepared for either. As far as i know these are either way offences so they can be sentenced at magistrates court. My partner was the same, never been in trouble before and no other offences commited and nothing found on computers after forensics. I guess it depends what was said in those conversation/s as to how its dealt with. I do not condone my partners behaviour in any way, I think he deserved to be prosecuted to ensure this never happens again as it could have been a teenager he was talking to but I do think there is an element of officer pushing/influencing the conversation in a way I do not believe a teen/child would have. It's an awful and stressful experience court and press etc but you can get through it. These offences are still quite new so the sentencing guidelines are not really there right now, hopefully he will get a suspended sentence or similar if he is honest and commited to changing his online behaviour.

Chrissy how are you feeling. You got support yourself coming up to the end of May?

What I find hard is the beautiful sunny weather everyone is so happy and it’s completely opposite to my mood . Keep going xxx

Chrissy

i am sure that’s natural. Of the two people who know have they been supportive? I hope they have. It’s easy to say but who cares what others think. You are a good kind person.

was your gp any help with your anxiety even though you didn’t express what was happening for you this month? I hope they were. I truly hope it doesn’t hit the press it seems so unfair on the wives, children mothers etc who are not responsible for someone else’s actions.

i find doing some gardening, clearing or decorating helps with my anxiety. I am not one for excersise really but anything that gets you up and doing something may help.

truly thinking of you this time. Have you got someone to go to court with you. We shouldn’t have to face it alone xxx

I am sure others who are further along maybe able to offer some support in practical ways to overcome the very real fear in the last few weeks. You may be having a hard morning but don’t be too hard on yourself.

People are kinder than you think but yes the press has a lot to answer for. Xxx

It's natural that you will feel anxious and worried, this is serious stuff. You dont need to have any fear about telling your gp, they won't judge or tell anyone. Mine was amazing, so kind and supportive for our whole family. I found keeping myself busy helped, i felt almost as anxious in the days before court as I did right at the beginning. But when its over, a weight is kind of lifted. You cannot stop it from happening but you can manage of the best you can. The press is a worry but remember it might be Ok, not all stories go in the paper or internet. If they do it will likely be local and hardly anyone will see it. There are so many people going through court each day for all kinds of things. Make sure you look after yourself, dont attend court if you don't want to and talk to your gp or family/friends who know.

Hi all

in terms of sentencing am I right in thinking that attempt to contact a minor is dealt with more harshly than cat c images? Or is it all a bit random?

I'm not sure. There are many factors that influence sentencing. With attempting to commit a communication offence there isn't much in terms of sentencing guidelines I dont think. I imagine it depends how many images, what was said in interview, attitude, early guilty plea etc and the same with attempting to commit a communication offence can all be very different, so depending on the circumstances you could get a harsh sentence for images than attempting communication offence or vice versa.

Hi all

i was feeling quietly confident but after reading your stories I’m not so much as mine sounds similar to all yours, my husbands case is all chat, no images, they’ve said it will go to cps but not sure yet if the charge, he was basically chatting to other guys about abusing young girls, he said it to ‘get off’ but it was basically all fantasy and nothing happened in reality, the police have since been and informed me they will be questioning him again and he’s got a date for that, they said they found a picture, my husband told me the picture is of our daughter, nothing seedy in the pic, just her larking about in the garden but he used it to prove he had a girl, to keep the other guy chatting, he’s told me everything and although it sounds so bad he hasn’t actually done anything apart from talk about it, I don’t know what charge that can be? He’s never met anyone or downloaded pics etc but I’m so worried now after reading your similar stories :(

Hey JB72,

I was thinking the same as you, quietly hoping for a caution. Husband case is similar to your husbands and we still haven't gone to cps, chased again this week and still sitting on it nothing donr yet.

In terms of just chat it definitely is an issue as I think I remember that when husband was arrested they talked about conspiracy to rspe a minor or inciting another adult to abuse a minor.

How was your break and how is hubby doing?

Ttkit

Hi ttkit

i was wondering how you were getting along, can’t believe your still waiting, we were told it would go straight to cps which would be roughly 4 weeks, hows your hubby doing? We had a great holiday but now we’re home it’s so much more than post holiday blues, panicking, speculating, one minute he’s confident the next he’s scared beyond belief, if he gets a caution do you think he would have to inform his employers? Is it a given that you have to? His job involves travelling so a caution would obviously impact that. When he was originally questioned they talked about inciting and facilitating to abuse a minor but told him they would be looking at proof of him being in certain places etc to carry this out, they obviously haven’t found any of this but can he still be charged if nothing happened? Or is it because he’s basically encouraging somebody else to do it? The whole time we were in America we kept thinking it could be the last, I so hope not.

Hey JB,

Glad you had a good time.

Husband is doing well at the moment and is working hard with therapist to prepare him for some what ifs depending on if he get charged/in press/ how to tell some friend etc but what I definitely know Is that he has been addressing alot.of the underlying issues that led to this behaviour.

We didn't have that much info from the police when arrested but I assumed it was about encouraging others etc as he hasn't ever been to one of these meet ups that was talked about etc. Also in my husbands case it was a one time thing, was your husband having having conversations regularly? Mine got arrested because the other guy went to a police sting meet up.

We both go through the what ifs alot and I've decided that whatever happens happens and we will face it head on- easier said than done but I also have a better understanding of what hes done and yo some extent why he did it so therefore I am in a pretty good place about it.

I would check hubby's contract as I know if he gets an caution all of employers state in contracts to be told and also a caution for this type.of offence usually comes with 2 years on the sex offenders register which in its self is a big thing but isn't unmanageable. As ever you have little person which se dont so that's a whole other level of stress.

Hopefully you'll get some clarification this week with husbands interview. My husbands case is sat on the investigating officers bosses desk at the moment.....

Ttkit

Also when I say I'm ok with what hes done I dont condone what hes done at all but I'm in a place where I can move past it and deal with it. What he has done is not.ok

Ttkit

yes I feel the same, don’t condone it and sometimes quite angry with him but we’re sticking together and one way or another gonna get through it, if he loses his job we would probably lose the house etc but that’s so thing we would have to deal with if it happens, yes he had more than one conversation with several different people, I still don’t really understand it and not sure I want to, well just take each hurdle as it comes for now, our greatest fear is people finding out as we live in a very small close knit community where everyone knows everything and we’ve been here for years, he’s seeking help but lack of finances doesn’t help! Especially running two homes, keep me posted x

Hi both,

God, this is so similar to us. Police are investigating chats where my husband was apparently pretending to be a woman and writing about experiences she had had when underage as well as with her own family now. On one hand I get how these things can be detached fantasies for people but on the other hand I just have moments of revulsion.

The police came looking for pictures and didn't find any on the initial search. They took his phone and laptop but I think I believe him when he says there are no pictures. He says that making up fake things didn't feel real but he'd never look at a picture as that would be a picture of a real thing. I hope he's telling the truth.

We're so anxious and he veers between calm and absolute panic and suicidal thoughts. It just feels like one very long bad dream. Part of me feels like he definitely needed a run in with the police but part of me finds myself thinking that if its just made up stories and no pictures, this whole thing is too harsh. But then another voice in my head takes over and I'm filled with disgust again.

A friend of mine is more understanding than me and she said that she'd had fantasies of being forced into stuff that in real life she would never want to do and would be illegal. Which I get, we are all human, but I can't equate that with what he has done or not done. I'm just so confused still, over 3 months in. When will this end???

Hi christina

yes your story sounds so familiar, our knock came back in October so we’re 7 months in, I suppose now I know they’ve looked at the devices and he’s got a second interview lined up we have a rough idea how long for the next stage but then I’ve heard of people waiting months for court etc so still no sure how long the nightmare will end, even if he only gets a caution I don’t think ss will allow him home with my daughter, they emphasised the fact that he attempted contact several times with another person which makes it look to them that he was trying to arrange to meet but he assured me that wasn’t the case it was just a way to get him to chat, we were hoping that the cps would say there was no case to answer as its all fantasy chat with no evidence of anything else but the more I read the less I feel this will be the case.

Maria - thanks for your post a while back responding to my question.

it sounds like whatever the offence we are all just all over the place whilst we are sitting here waiting. It is interesting to read different men’s justifications and how they feel one thing is worse than the other. My partner says at least anything he looked at wouldn’t be anything other than cat c (though still says they were from website where it says they were 18+) and that he would never look at worse or talk to anyone else about anything sexual online - somehow justifying that he is not “too bad”. But then there are other men engaging in sexual chat who haven’t looked at images who think looking at images is worse. Are all these men just kidding themselves? Am I just kidding myself and minimising it in order to be able to live with it?

Don’t have the answers but thinking about it a lot today.

I think at the end of the day they are all crimes commited online, the degree to which you think one crime is worth than another is a personal thing. For me knowing my husband has not actually chatted with a teen and at the start of the conversation could not have known they were not an adult helps me to deal with it, no images, no chats with other teens/children, no talking about abuse but at the same time im horrified it could have been a teen, he could have done it. That's terrifying. I try not to compare with other people, all these offences are awful. But as an individual I know facts about my partners case that help me to deal with it, other may read my brief description and think im crazy. It's only natural that the man and us as partner look at ways to deal with it, I dont think it's justifying it just trying to find a way to live with it.

That's the problem with the whole system. There's so much stigma and paranoia, I don't think anyone has had an open and sensible conversation about it when putting together an approach to investigating and sentencing this stuff.

The Cat C images thing I find the most ridiculous. Would I be angry if my partner had looked at a picture of a 17 year old girl in a bikini? Yes, but he'd be acting on a basic drive I expect most men have, and it wouldn't at all make him a monster. But if it was a naked picture of a 6 year old, I'd be disgusted and would report him to the police and make sure he got professional help, and I'd leave him of course. BUT BOTH OF THOSE PICTURES WOULD BE CAT C!! Tell me that makes sense?! In that example, I just don't think many men are being treated sensibly and fairly.

I said it on another thread but The Sun's page 3 had 16 year old models till 2003. I'll say it again. Till 2003 The Sun were publishing pictures of topless 16 year olds. There are men going to prison now for looking at things that society in general never batted an eyelid at until just a few years ago. In that sense, as much as I feel like I'm sometimes making excuses, I think the system is mad.

If a man is talking about wanting to do things with an under 18 year old, then yeah that's totally wrong, even in fantasy. But if someone is writing fake 'daddy daughter' stories in role as a character that is a different gender to his, then I just think its mad that he could get a criminal record for that. By the way, that's what my partner says he has done. And half of me is appalled, and then half of me thinks of all the out there and weird stuff I've fantasised about in my head down then years, some of which involving things that would be illegal in real life, and I just feel like a total hypocrite.

I work in a school, so you can imagine how anxious I am. I don't want to lose my job by association. I teach English. I found myself teaching the scene in Romeo and Juliet where Juliet is waiting to have sex with Romeo and her words are full of lust and sexual images. And it hit me that she was 13. And my partner is maybe facing jail for telling stories of underage sex. But when Shakespeare does it, its fine??

Sorry, had a wine, needed to rant. Can't talk to anyone else. Feel like I'm going mad. Am I going mad??????!!!!

No Christine your not going mad, it does seem unfair, my husband spoke about doing things he would never dream of doing in real life, I don’t think he is any threat to my daughter or any other young girl, but the authorities take his chatting as proof that he is without any real evidence to suggest it, he knew what he was talking about was morally wrong but not actually a crime and now we’re in this awful nightmare and I see no happy ending x

The difficulty is how do the police tell the difference. Everyone would just say its all just fantasy if it meant they would not be prosecuted, regardless of if they posed a danger or not. I think its right that all these people including my partner are/were investigated. Were do you draw a line between fantasy and reality, some of them and if not them some of the people they talk to might well be a real danger to children. My husband's conversation was fantasy, a repetitive conversation had with women online. He talked about his fantasy tgen they talk about theirs, nothing illegal, nothing to do with teens or children then one day he didn't stop a conversation when he should have and is now a sex offender. The world of sexual fantasy online is a dangerous place. Each case is individual and this forum is a place were we do not judge eachother. Sentencing will reflect the difference in whats in the image or whats been said. I hope it doesn't offend anyone me saying I think its right that most are prosecuted to protect children online, its awful to have our lives turned upside down but if it was all truely fantasy then they won't go back to this online world and if they are a danger then hopefully that will prevent any child being harmed in the future. Times have changed in terms of whats acceptable, and the law changes to protect vulnerable people and young people. It's crazy 16 year olds were on page 3 up until 2003. There is a huge stigma associated with sex offenders, the thing I've learnt is sex offenders cover a huge spectrum of people and offences.

Maria, I think if a man is talking to someone who is underage and e doesn't stop once he knows this, then yes, of course he deserves his punishment. But if two adults are roleplaying and go into the realms of stories of underage sex, then that's totally different. I'm tempted to say people should be able to talk about anything they want. If its fantasy, its fantasy. But if they take more worrying steps, such as discussing a plan to do something in real life, or talking to an underage person online, then yes the police should absolutely do something.

Our solicitor has made it clear that if my partner had spoken the things he wrote in a conversation with another one to one, even if others heard, there would be no crime.

And god, if we are now at a point where we are criminalising people for thoughts and fantasies they would never enact in reality, then I definitely need to be locked up. And I imagine everyone else on the forum would too.

They are trying to prosecute my partner and destroy our lives using the Obscene Publications Act piece of law never meant to have anything to do with the internet. Because a few years ago they decided that just writing something in a private online chat is now legally classed as "publishing".