Being forced to tell family members
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What are peoples experience of being forced to tell family members that you do not live with of partners offence.
For context, we have no children. I currently live local to may siblings who both have children under 18. I use to have them for sleepovers but understand this won't be possible but what are the chances of:
A. Being forced to tell them /SS taking it upon themselves to them whilst I live local.
B. Same as above but if I live 3-4 hours away and they don't ever visit.
I'm fortunate in that no one knows of his convictions because he didn't live local to me, they think we broke up and they do not know we are in contact or hoping to build a life together. But the write up is in the newspaper.
I'm nearing a point where I'm considering telling more people because I think we have a future but feel the narrative and acceptance might be more positive if I start the dialogue now (he has 11 months of his custodial still to serve) . I feel more confident in confiding in some friends but less so about my sibling (my parents know and they are hoping we can get away with never telling them).
He has the clause of no contact with under 18s unless authorised by SS and parents away. We would avoid any situations where he'd ever be in contact with my niece and nephews.
Any experience on this, good and bad, gratefully recieved.
For context, we have no children. I currently live local to may siblings who both have children under 18. I use to have them for sleepovers but understand this won't be possible but what are the chances of:
A. Being forced to tell them /SS taking it upon themselves to them whilst I live local.
B. Same as above but if I live 3-4 hours away and they don't ever visit.
I'm fortunate in that no one knows of his convictions because he didn't live local to me, they think we broke up and they do not know we are in contact or hoping to build a life together. But the write up is in the newspaper.
I'm nearing a point where I'm considering telling more people because I think we have a future but feel the narrative and acceptance might be more positive if I start the dialogue now (he has 11 months of his custodial still to serve) . I feel more confident in confiding in some friends but less so about my sibling (my parents know and they are hoping we can get away with never telling them).
He has the clause of no contact with under 18s unless authorised by SS and parents away. We would avoid any situations where he'd ever be in contact with my niece and nephews.
Any experience on this, good and bad, gratefully recieved.
Hi Sal
i can understand where you and ss are coming from they only want to safeguard the people under 18, you just need to reassure them all family and ss that anyone under 18 will never be unsupervised with your partner, having said that it might be better coming from you than them, trust me on this ss will make your partner out to be a serial child R****t if they could/would.
talk to your siblings with your parents present in a sit down manner, not over the phone. Somewhere private but nutral to you all. As I said it would be better coming from you than them, as you can better explain and have your parents as back up.
hope I have helped
hugs
i can understand where you and ss are coming from they only want to safeguard the people under 18, you just need to reassure them all family and ss that anyone under 18 will never be unsupervised with your partner, having said that it might be better coming from you than them, trust me on this ss will make your partner out to be a serial child R****t if they could/would.
talk to your siblings with your parents present in a sit down manner, not over the phone. Somewhere private but nutral to you all. As I said it would be better coming from you than them, as you can better explain and have your parents as back up.
hope I have helped
hugs
Hi,
No experience with being forced to disclose but my person was asked by probation and visor about our wider circle and who has children within this when he has his initial meetings with them. All of our families know and I'd had ss involvement whilst he was remanded and they asked about children in the family so were already aware that the parents had been told. After release it will be probation and visor who would put any referrals in to ss so if your partner says that he will not be attending family gatherings etc I don't think they'd push it any further. They would make him aware of any referrals going in, to the best of my knowledge and experience although others may be able to jump in if theirs is different. I disclosed to my siblings within a couple of days of arrest as I was adamant the relationship was over. I've since told them that we are looking to work through things and have had varying responses but lots of support for me xxx
No experience with being forced to disclose but my person was asked by probation and visor about our wider circle and who has children within this when he has his initial meetings with them. All of our families know and I'd had ss involvement whilst he was remanded and they asked about children in the family so were already aware that the parents had been told. After release it will be probation and visor who would put any referrals in to ss so if your partner says that he will not be attending family gatherings etc I don't think they'd push it any further. They would make him aware of any referrals going in, to the best of my knowledge and experience although others may be able to jump in if theirs is different. I disclosed to my siblings within a couple of days of arrest as I was adamant the relationship was over. I've since told them that we are looking to work through things and have had varying responses but lots of support for me xxx
I think SAL I have mentioned my situation before, but my partner cannot have supervised contact without parents and SS permission.
Annoyingly the PO and police didn't ask about my extended family and it wasn't until two months before his two year sentence was ending that my partner mentioned we went a Xmas family dinner with my cousin present. It was deemed a breach and my partner was told the police would not take further action unless he discloses to parents and SS.
The police and PO then asked for my family tree and I informed them I have my own cousins who have kids, different counties and barely se them with no real contact. The police initially wanted disclosure to my cousins and highly recommend I told my mum and step dad. Soon after I told my mum and dad the police agreed to not force disclosure to my cousins - I'm still annoyed I had to disclose to my mum as that could have been avoided.
We have agreement with the police that my partner will not attend family events where the kids will or could be present. My mum aslo helps to keep me up to date if my cousins are in the area. But they don't come to visit me so there isn't a risk of them just turning up- that was the police' s concern.
It was explained the police were considering the risk of what if you bump into family on the street with their kids present- because in those situations you won't be able to walk away very easily.
I'm not sure what to suggest, I do believe in being honest with POs and police but they are not all consistent in their approach. As long as your partner doesn't come into contact then it should be fine, you could always push back and say you have limited contact with family and have measures in place for your partner to keep their distance from family with children.
The police did warn is that they might change their mind and I hope they never do. If we do accidentally bump into family with kids my partner has to let the police know, and he needs to make every effort to get out of the situation to remove himself from being around the children - ie make excuses to leave the house if they do randomly turn up.
Annoyingly the PO and police didn't ask about my extended family and it wasn't until two months before his two year sentence was ending that my partner mentioned we went a Xmas family dinner with my cousin present. It was deemed a breach and my partner was told the police would not take further action unless he discloses to parents and SS.
The police and PO then asked for my family tree and I informed them I have my own cousins who have kids, different counties and barely se them with no real contact. The police initially wanted disclosure to my cousins and highly recommend I told my mum and step dad. Soon after I told my mum and dad the police agreed to not force disclosure to my cousins - I'm still annoyed I had to disclose to my mum as that could have been avoided.
We have agreement with the police that my partner will not attend family events where the kids will or could be present. My mum aslo helps to keep me up to date if my cousins are in the area. But they don't come to visit me so there isn't a risk of them just turning up- that was the police' s concern.
It was explained the police were considering the risk of what if you bump into family on the street with their kids present- because in those situations you won't be able to walk away very easily.
I'm not sure what to suggest, I do believe in being honest with POs and police but they are not all consistent in their approach. As long as your partner doesn't come into contact then it should be fine, you could always push back and say you have limited contact with family and have measures in place for your partner to keep their distance from family with children.
The police did warn is that they might change their mind and I hope they never do. If we do accidentally bump into family with kids my partner has to let the police know, and he needs to make every effort to get out of the situation to remove himself from being around the children - ie make excuses to leave the house if they do randomly turn up.
For me it does feel better if I can start the narrative and sooner, but my parents don't want me to, fearful it will ruin their relationship with my siblings and therefore grandchild. They've said they are happy to cross that bridge and explain why we didn't tell them, when and if we need to. One of my parents was a teacher so will have some idea of safe guarding, I wonder if they'd be happier knowing they know and therefore not needing to disclose.
I think it's wishful thinking on my part that we'd be able to not tell, he has a life time SHPO and I don't think anyone could believe we could avoid contact indefinitely.
I'd welcome anyone else experience of having to disclose to their wider network or being told they don't need to.
I think it's wishful thinking on my part that we'd be able to not tell, he has a life time SHPO and I don't think anyone could believe we could avoid contact indefinitely.
I'd welcome anyone else experience of having to disclose to their wider network or being told they don't need to.
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I do sort of go around in circles on this. I feel my siblings would be very angry if he attended any family event and then found out about his conviction. But at the same time, we'd avoid it and if it did ever happen it would be once a year and something like a sit down meal or a family BBQ, that my parents would also attend - The risk, even if I thought he posed one, seems very low. Just trying to picture it - He'd hate it, having to babysit him, go to the toilet when he did, be by his side the whole time.
I don't know what the answer is but I think part of the issue is a complete miss understanding of how some of these crimes are committed. It's so blood complex.
I don't know what the answer is but I think part of the issue is a complete miss understanding of how some of these crimes are committed. It's so blood complex.
The agreement we have is that as long as someone has eyes on my cousin and another has eyebon my partner then the need to 'go to the loo' with them isn't needed. If you are the only person who knows it is is trickier to manage safe guarding. I was surprised my aunt and uncle were somewhat ok with still seeing my partner, they believe as long as we meet with multiple people around then they have no issue.
There is a concern for those I had to disclose with about the potential consequence that others in the family find out and then realise others in the family knew too. This was one of the main reasons I didn't want to burden my mum about it, because she is very close to her family but they would cause a huge argument if they find out she hasn't totally disowned my partner.
My aunt and uncle are at risk of being judged by family and friends for letting my partner near their son - people will have their opinions. If it ever came out I will stand my ground and say I work hard to make sure there is safe guarding where required.
Also another stupid thing I have seen from time to time (even mention on the unlock .org site) - to assess if low or lower risk to kids it is sometimes required/typical to assess how an offender is around children....but if they are not allowed then how can they know! My partner was told he could not be deemed low risk by a PO at one point because the PO could not comment what he was like around kids as there were observations to be made !
Ofc I don't condone the idea of introducing offenders to kids as an experiment - but such a criteria to an assessment makes it redundant. Sorry off on a tangent there ...
There is a concern for those I had to disclose with about the potential consequence that others in the family find out and then realise others in the family knew too. This was one of the main reasons I didn't want to burden my mum about it, because she is very close to her family but they would cause a huge argument if they find out she hasn't totally disowned my partner.
My aunt and uncle are at risk of being judged by family and friends for letting my partner near their son - people will have their opinions. If it ever came out I will stand my ground and say I work hard to make sure there is safe guarding where required.
Also another stupid thing I have seen from time to time (even mention on the unlock .org site) - to assess if low or lower risk to kids it is sometimes required/typical to assess how an offender is around children....but if they are not allowed then how can they know! My partner was told he could not be deemed low risk by a PO at one point because the PO could not comment what he was like around kids as there were observations to be made !
Ofc I don't condone the idea of introducing offenders to kids as an experiment - but such a criteria to an assessment makes it redundant. Sorry off on a tangent there ...
We told my sister/her husband about my OH when he got his charges and a few close friends when he was sentenced and it hit the media.
we are very fortunate and all have stuck by us and are happy for my OH to be around their children-he has no restrictions on his SHPO.
one of his friends has struggled with the offence and is happy to see us at ours/in the community with his child but doesn't want my OH at their house- in case people find out and question why he let him there. Which I totally get, I think the fear of the stigma and it isn't his situation to explain.
we informed his visor of our niece/nephew when he signed the SOR, my sisters local ss phoned her to make sure she was aware of the situation. It was a quick 10 min phone call, now they are marked as 'known' children so we can see them without telling the visor every time.
My friend has also said she is happy for us to do this with her children, but we never see them for more than 12 hours so it's not needed.
we have a fantastic visor, and I think being honest with them is best. But maybe when he is released see what his visor is like. Some may come down hard at the point of release and make you disclose for safety
we are very fortunate and all have stuck by us and are happy for my OH to be around their children-he has no restrictions on his SHPO.
one of his friends has struggled with the offence and is happy to see us at ours/in the community with his child but doesn't want my OH at their house- in case people find out and question why he let him there. Which I totally get, I think the fear of the stigma and it isn't his situation to explain.
we informed his visor of our niece/nephew when he signed the SOR, my sisters local ss phoned her to make sure she was aware of the situation. It was a quick 10 min phone call, now they are marked as 'known' children so we can see them without telling the visor every time.
My friend has also said she is happy for us to do this with her children, but we never see them for more than 12 hours so it's not needed.
we have a fantastic visor, and I think being honest with them is best. But maybe when he is released see what his visor is like. Some may come down hard at the point of release and make you disclose for safety
Been forced to tell family all at once in a night! My family all stood by me... Gave me the support I needed. In fact everyone who found out afterwards gave me the support I needed, part from a group of friends and best friend who I didn't contact... I did my best friend but they chose to walk away from me by saying nothing and that's on them.. No longer with Expartner due to his mental health relapse and wanting to carve my own life out. But I am still friendly with him and will smalways support him..