Husband under investigation
Notifications OFF
Hi my name is Lola. I'm going through the same nightmare as all you ladies. My husband was arrested in January so I'm 4 months in but still struggling to understand what is happening. We were told the investigation could take up to 6 month. My life has been turned upside down and not sure if I will ever be able to trust him properly again. I don't feel he fully understands what it is doing to me. He denies the image that he has been arrested over but has admitted he looks at porn pictures. I wasn't angry in the beginning but I feel angry now when I think he has hidden this from me for years. We have been married 30 years this year. Family think I should leave but 30 yes is a long time to throw away. I've read some of your posts and they all sound similar. It gives me some comfort that there are others who know how I'm feeling. I wish you all good luck on what ever decision you make in the future .
Hi Lola
You're doing really well, 4 months, although it seems like a lifetime is actually no time at all. As for whether you stay or go, only you can make that decision and all I would say is don't be rushed or swayed by anyone. You need to do what's right for you, you may decide to leave and after 30 years that's a scary thought but you will manage equally if you stay, your marriage may never be the same again but that doesn't mean it'll be a bad thing you will just have a new way of living and loving.
It's just all really rubbish, it changes so many lives and had a knock on to so many people and no one understands it unless they have walked in our shoes
Keep coming on here and ringing the helpline to sound off, you will decide some day, don't worry if it takes time
Xx
You're doing really well, 4 months, although it seems like a lifetime is actually no time at all. As for whether you stay or go, only you can make that decision and all I would say is don't be rushed or swayed by anyone. You need to do what's right for you, you may decide to leave and after 30 years that's a scary thought but you will manage equally if you stay, your marriage may never be the same again but that doesn't mean it'll be a bad thing you will just have a new way of living and loving.
It's just all really rubbish, it changes so many lives and had a knock on to so many people and no one understands it unless they have walked in our shoes
Keep coming on here and ringing the helpline to sound off, you will decide some day, don't worry if it takes time
Xx
Thankyou Tracey for answering my post. I don't know your full story but I hope you are finding support. When I talk about my husband like this I feel like I'm betraying him. I have to keep telling myself that none of this is my fault. Deep down I do love my husband and I'm standing by him at the moment,but I feel if we stay together he has gotten away with what he has done. Does that make sense!
Post deleted by user
Thankyou Andrea for your support
Hi Lola
i think your doing amazing with only being four months in. I’m nearly a year in and still struggle most days with everything that’s happened. In my case it was my son who got the knock. His crime was not images. It was a communication online problem. He did have images but they were of the girl he was talking to. It does not excuse his behaviour but they were sent to him willingly. The thing is whether they were sent willingly or not the person is still charged with receiving them. This all happened last June and it only went to court eight weeks ago. My son has been sent to prison for longer than anyone else I’ve read about who did the same as him. He was made an example of in my opinion. That said my son deserved to be punished for what he did to stop him in his tracks. I’m just of the opinion that he was dealt with harshly.
my son is now paying the price for a really stupid immature mistake he made. The problem is it’s not just him paying the price. It’s us all. Me, his dad and his sister as well as the extended family. We felt we had to up and leave the home we had lived in for many years. We moved before anything hit the papers simply because people see the words in the paper indecent images and automatically think you’ve had pictures of children being abused which is not always the case. My son had images only of the girl he was talking to but that is not how the papers explained it. They said he had indecent images and that he had communicated with a teenage girl. While this is true they did not state that the pictures were off the same girl which I think is wrong because lots of people may now think my son was looking at young kids being abused which he was not.
its hard to explain the ripple effect of our son doing what he did. I now feel anxious and even a bit paranoid a lot which I never ever felt before. We also had to deal with social services owing to our daughter having a toddler son. Fortunately that went well which was a huge relief. Whether they will come back after our son comes home or not I don’t know. The social worker said they would not because my daughter told them that she would not allow any unsupervised contact but who knows the reality of what will happen when he comes home.
lufe has changed beyond anything I have ever known but through it al, I know I will stand by my son to the bitter end simply because I know he made a stupid immature mistake. I’m honestly not sure what I’d have done had he been looking at child abuse. I’d like to think I’d still stand by him and get him some help but nobody knows what they would truly do until they are faced with it.
thirty years as you say is a long time to throw away over one silly mistake. If you decide to stick with it I’d honestly advise that you find out why your husband did what he did and then work towards getting him some help so that he does not do it again. As others have said on here I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision to be made. In the end you honestly have to spoon what you think will be right for you, not just for our husband or anyone else. One thing I can assure you off is whatever decision yo come to you will not be judged on here. People here are here to support you rather than judge you.
frm experience it does get easier as time goes on. Life appears never the same. I think you learn to live your life in a different way high becomes your new normal. I’m led to believe you can pick up the pieces and live a relatively normal life again if that’s what you want.keep your chin up and keep coming in here if you need advise or just need to rant. It does help x
i think your doing amazing with only being four months in. I’m nearly a year in and still struggle most days with everything that’s happened. In my case it was my son who got the knock. His crime was not images. It was a communication online problem. He did have images but they were of the girl he was talking to. It does not excuse his behaviour but they were sent to him willingly. The thing is whether they were sent willingly or not the person is still charged with receiving them. This all happened last June and it only went to court eight weeks ago. My son has been sent to prison for longer than anyone else I’ve read about who did the same as him. He was made an example of in my opinion. That said my son deserved to be punished for what he did to stop him in his tracks. I’m just of the opinion that he was dealt with harshly.
my son is now paying the price for a really stupid immature mistake he made. The problem is it’s not just him paying the price. It’s us all. Me, his dad and his sister as well as the extended family. We felt we had to up and leave the home we had lived in for many years. We moved before anything hit the papers simply because people see the words in the paper indecent images and automatically think you’ve had pictures of children being abused which is not always the case. My son had images only of the girl he was talking to but that is not how the papers explained it. They said he had indecent images and that he had communicated with a teenage girl. While this is true they did not state that the pictures were off the same girl which I think is wrong because lots of people may now think my son was looking at young kids being abused which he was not.
its hard to explain the ripple effect of our son doing what he did. I now feel anxious and even a bit paranoid a lot which I never ever felt before. We also had to deal with social services owing to our daughter having a toddler son. Fortunately that went well which was a huge relief. Whether they will come back after our son comes home or not I don’t know. The social worker said they would not because my daughter told them that she would not allow any unsupervised contact but who knows the reality of what will happen when he comes home.
lufe has changed beyond anything I have ever known but through it al, I know I will stand by my son to the bitter end simply because I know he made a stupid immature mistake. I’m honestly not sure what I’d have done had he been looking at child abuse. I’d like to think I’d still stand by him and get him some help but nobody knows what they would truly do until they are faced with it.
thirty years as you say is a long time to throw away over one silly mistake. If you decide to stick with it I’d honestly advise that you find out why your husband did what he did and then work towards getting him some help so that he does not do it again. As others have said on here I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision to be made. In the end you honestly have to spoon what you think will be right for you, not just for our husband or anyone else. One thing I can assure you off is whatever decision yo come to you will not be judged on here. People here are here to support you rather than judge you.
frm experience it does get easier as time goes on. Life appears never the same. I think you learn to live your life in a different way high becomes your new normal. I’m led to believe you can pick up the pieces and live a relatively normal life again if that’s what you want.keep your chin up and keep coming in here if you need advise or just need to rant. It does help x
Lola,
30 years is a long life journey together. I know how you feel it’s very painful. The offending is one part of them. All your memories and happiness will also be true.
i find the betrayal hard as I thought I had an authentic relationship with my husband but he had this secret side I knew nothing about. For me I can’t resume a relationship but I do care about him. My husband needs to care about himself though and get help and work out why he has these immoral coping mechanisms.
i truly think they never really understand the consequences of their path. Yes it’s illegal but if they thought their actions would harm others as much as themselves I hope they would have saught help sooner,
the action is hidden in great shame I know my husband is scared to admit that he really was that person. He doesn’t like himself very much.
i hope knowing your not alone eases some trauma for you. This is a safe space Lola. Each and every one of our stories is personal to us so no one judges.
you will hear this a lot though self care is important for you take time to love yourself. We truly had no idea that our nearest and dearest had these issues only therapy can support them recovery we need to learn to look out and care for ourselves.
As others have said there is no time frame you don’t need to make any decisions straight away. For myself I am not holding a grudge over him I know my husband is mentally unwell. He has lost his job his family his home and his dignity. The criminal justice system will do their own actions. So that leaves me to be a mature adult. Yes I am anxious about the future but I don’t want to be dragged into his mistakes.
love and strength Lola. we are there as a sounding board and if you ever need to just get your feelings out. It’s like a grief to recover we need to process our pain too. I am still halfway through my process but feeling stronger more days than before. I will still have a crisis but that’s okay xxx
30 years is a long life journey together. I know how you feel it’s very painful. The offending is one part of them. All your memories and happiness will also be true.
i find the betrayal hard as I thought I had an authentic relationship with my husband but he had this secret side I knew nothing about. For me I can’t resume a relationship but I do care about him. My husband needs to care about himself though and get help and work out why he has these immoral coping mechanisms.
i truly think they never really understand the consequences of their path. Yes it’s illegal but if they thought their actions would harm others as much as themselves I hope they would have saught help sooner,
the action is hidden in great shame I know my husband is scared to admit that he really was that person. He doesn’t like himself very much.
i hope knowing your not alone eases some trauma for you. This is a safe space Lola. Each and every one of our stories is personal to us so no one judges.
you will hear this a lot though self care is important for you take time to love yourself. We truly had no idea that our nearest and dearest had these issues only therapy can support them recovery we need to learn to look out and care for ourselves.
As others have said there is no time frame you don’t need to make any decisions straight away. For myself I am not holding a grudge over him I know my husband is mentally unwell. He has lost his job his family his home and his dignity. The criminal justice system will do their own actions. So that leaves me to be a mature adult. Yes I am anxious about the future but I don’t want to be dragged into his mistakes.
love and strength Lola. we are there as a sounding board and if you ever need to just get your feelings out. It’s like a grief to recover we need to process our pain too. I am still halfway through my process but feeling stronger more days than before. I will still have a crisis but that’s okay xxx
Thankyou all so much for taking the time to answer. You are all so understanding and kind. What's been said about how other people see it is very true. My family all seem to believe that my husband could be guilty . I get it that men look at porn but knowing that my husband has done so for years and hidden it from me really hurts and disgusts me be honest. If he hadn't been looking at it then he wouldn't of made this mistake hes made and we wouldn'tuldn't be in this situation . He's answer to that is he he hasn't done anything illegal by looking at porn. He doesn't seem to understand. I'm rambling a bit now. Sorry
Lola,
your doing fine I promise. I get the feeling of hurt and betrayal I felt it too. Denial is really common in the first few months. There is a lot on in on the Lucy Faithfull website. So have a look.
he maybe guilty I know my husband is even though he has not been charged.
its a real messy situation I genuinely think they use porn to escape the stress of everyday life. My husband has an anxiety disorder and low self esteem. I am not saying this to make excuses he should have admitted he needed help. I am sharing this to show it’s nothing you did or could have done to prevent this happening.
its ended his life and mine. But I do still care it’s complex and is what keeps me up at night. You can’t just turn off feelings for a long term relationship.
Instead we all need to find a new normal and we are survivors and we can do this. Xxx
your doing fine I promise. I get the feeling of hurt and betrayal I felt it too. Denial is really common in the first few months. There is a lot on in on the Lucy Faithfull website. So have a look.
he maybe guilty I know my husband is even though he has not been charged.
its a real messy situation I genuinely think they use porn to escape the stress of everyday life. My husband has an anxiety disorder and low self esteem. I am not saying this to make excuses he should have admitted he needed help. I am sharing this to show it’s nothing you did or could have done to prevent this happening.
its ended his life and mine. But I do still care it’s complex and is what keeps me up at night. You can’t just turn off feelings for a long term relationship.
Instead we all need to find a new normal and we are survivors and we can do this. Xxx
Lola, you're doing so well. Keep going. If nothing else, all of us women on here will come out of this with far less judgemental attitudes in life; I know before this I would have been quick to judge, but that's certainly not the case any more.
I've also noticed how many of us say "I'm not defending him, but..." or "I'm not saying it's right, but...". We've all become so conditioned to have to try to justify what we say and how we act and it's so tiring! OF COURSE none of us condone what our partners have done and it's so upsetting that we're aligned with them.
I've also noticed how many of us say "I'm not defending him, but..." or "I'm not saying it's right, but...". We've all become so conditioned to have to try to justify what we say and how we act and it's so tiring! OF COURSE none of us condone what our partners have done and it's so upsetting that we're aligned with them.
Well said Jayne.
how are you feeling now Lola, we all completely get your mindset 30 years together is a huge thing. It’s important not to rush in to making decisions just to please others. Get your facts together and work it out slowly. Xxx
how are you feeling now Lola, we all completely get your mindset 30 years together is a huge thing. It’s important not to rush in to making decisions just to please others. Get your facts together and work it out slowly. Xxx
I agree Jayne that its tiring trying to act normal around people who don't know your situation. I won't be able to make a decision until the outcome of the investigation and then take it from there. Are you still with your husband's?
Lola, we’re not married yet (it’s booked for next year - I even have my wedding dress, which it’s going to break my heart to sell) but I’m still with him for now. The initial allegation doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere, as it sounds like there was nothing in the messages.
The new allegation totally floored me and today I feel utterly broken, but until I know what plays out and I know all the truth, I can’t make any decisions about the future. I do know that the new allegation means it’s likely we won’t have the children in our lives until the investigation is over, which has broken my heart all over again. (They’re not my children, but I love them like they are).
I suppose that’s a very rambly way of saying that, like you, Lola, I’m not making any decisions right now.
Gosh, none of us deserve this.
The new allegation totally floored me and today I feel utterly broken, but until I know what plays out and I know all the truth, I can’t make any decisions about the future. I do know that the new allegation means it’s likely we won’t have the children in our lives until the investigation is over, which has broken my heart all over again. (They’re not my children, but I love them like they are).
I suppose that’s a very rambly way of saying that, like you, Lola, I’m not making any decisions right now.
Gosh, none of us deserve this.
Lola I am not with my husband but also I have not abandoned him, he is my friend and we work together for the sake of my daughter who is five. I think he is pretty lucky as he sees her twice a week and him and me can have a mature conversation.
I can’t imagine being sexual with him again. He is like a little lost boy and the betrayal was huge. Saying that I want him to complete his recovery and improve his mental well-being.
there is no one else involved at the moment which I suppose helps. He is respecting that I can’t resume a relationship and is probably pleased I am still on speaking terms. He knows I will be going for a divorce most likely once he is in more secure accommodation. He is still on friends sofas. Though I have reverted to my maiden name in deed poll which helps.
what ever happens Jayne is right having the knock and this knowledge does make us see life in a different way and I am sure we are all less judgmental xxx
( saying this I know I may hit anger stage possibly around the police interview but now I am choosing to accept he is a lost man who sacrificed his own happiness for some cheap thrills. I feel sadness rather than any other emotion.
With love beth Lou
I can’t imagine being sexual with him again. He is like a little lost boy and the betrayal was huge. Saying that I want him to complete his recovery and improve his mental well-being.
there is no one else involved at the moment which I suppose helps. He is respecting that I can’t resume a relationship and is probably pleased I am still on speaking terms. He knows I will be going for a divorce most likely once he is in more secure accommodation. He is still on friends sofas. Though I have reverted to my maiden name in deed poll which helps.
what ever happens Jayne is right having the knock and this knowledge does make us see life in a different way and I am sure we are all less judgmental xxx
( saying this I know I may hit anger stage possibly around the police interview but now I am choosing to accept he is a lost man who sacrificed his own happiness for some cheap thrills. I feel sadness rather than any other emotion.
With love beth Lou
Hello Jayne, sorry to read how your feeling again. That's one of the things I worry about . When we re finally told what's happening, will we be put through all this again. Keep strong Jayne