Has your experience made you want to help others?
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I was just thinking, this whole experience is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I truly mean that. It's the hardest and most terrifying thing that I've ever encountered, and places like this forum and a few other resources has made me think that I want to use my experience to help others who find themselves in these positions. There's so little information out there for people after the knock, you really are very alone.
As family, partners, kids - we should be recognised as victims too. It's like the shameful secret that no one wants to talk about. Our lives are changed forever because of something someone else has done and we're dragged along. I just wish that there was a face-to-face support group for the families of offenders. I understand that's a difficult thing because of safety but why should we be ashamed? I'm going to look into what I can do to use my experience for good. I'll be damned if something positive doesn't come out of this.
I just wish I could give everyone a big hug because we all need it! Stay strong.
As family, partners, kids - we should be recognised as victims too. It's like the shameful secret that no one wants to talk about. Our lives are changed forever because of something someone else has done and we're dragged along. I just wish that there was a face-to-face support group for the families of offenders. I understand that's a difficult thing because of safety but why should we be ashamed? I'm going to look into what I can do to use my experience for good. I'll be damned if something positive doesn't come out of this.
I just wish I could give everyone a big hug because we all need it! Stay strong.
Ataloss, yes all the time I want to find a way to help, no idea where to start, thought of making a closed anonymous Facebook group whereby you can post a anonymously and people could respond a bit like this forum, however no idea what to call it or even if people kept their Facebook open, and knowing my luck would end up with those who judge us wrongly and being cruel on there (blocked as soon as discovered though). I want to create a safe space where by we can actually talk and if we choose to remain anonymous we can or if we want to talk to each other we can. We could also choose to meet up if we so wish. We need something but again not sure. I've spoken to LFF and suggested it to them when I was once needing to talk and get support, but not sure if they thought it was a good idea or not.
I know what you ladies mean as this crime continually rises there isn't a lot of support out there. You would have to be extremely careful with any new set up. Plus you don't want to drag anymore hardship on your family so tend to live a hidden life. Which I feel is very sad., we are innocent!
I am aware your probably sick to the back teeth of me continually posting on here but I sincerely hope I can offer a little support and do my bit this way.
I am aware your probably sick to the back teeth of me continually posting on here but I sincerely hope I can offer a little support and do my bit this way.
There are a few brave women on her that have spoken up whether that's to the media or through their blogs.
There are others that have written to their MP to talk about the impact of this crime, the media and how they are treated as non offending partners.
I recently reached out to a journalist who's written more sympathetically about the other side of these crimes and the impact and thanked him. He's asked if I'd do an anonymous interview so he can do another article - I'm considering doing this, I feel its my duty but I'm also nervous about the narrative as I still have quite a lot of confusing feeling and feel that because of my own troubles with sex and porn addiction I might be treated negatively, but I also think it allows me to understand how these things can happen.
Onr of the things we are all terrified about on this journey is the media, but they are also part of the system that I feel we need to engage with in order for the narrative to change - I believe they heavily influence public opinion.
There is of course the chance that journalists might use any contact negatively, for this reason I don't think I'd contact journalists specifically about my person's crime and coverage but I have thought about reach out to more journalists anonymous with a more general overview of the impact the sensational reporting impacts innocent or even reach out to journalists who write a less sensationalist article with less emotive language to applaud them.
What I think is key if doing this to make it clear you don't condone the activities of said person and that ultimately the goal is to make the online and real world safer for children.
There are others that have written to their MP to talk about the impact of this crime, the media and how they are treated as non offending partners.
I recently reached out to a journalist who's written more sympathetically about the other side of these crimes and the impact and thanked him. He's asked if I'd do an anonymous interview so he can do another article - I'm considering doing this, I feel its my duty but I'm also nervous about the narrative as I still have quite a lot of confusing feeling and feel that because of my own troubles with sex and porn addiction I might be treated negatively, but I also think it allows me to understand how these things can happen.
Onr of the things we are all terrified about on this journey is the media, but they are also part of the system that I feel we need to engage with in order for the narrative to change - I believe they heavily influence public opinion.
There is of course the chance that journalists might use any contact negatively, for this reason I don't think I'd contact journalists specifically about my person's crime and coverage but I have thought about reach out to more journalists anonymous with a more general overview of the impact the sensational reporting impacts innocent or even reach out to journalists who write a less sensationalist article with less emotive language to applaud them.
What I think is key if doing this to make it clear you don't condone the activities of said person and that ultimately the goal is to make the online and real world safer for children.
This is the page that hosts some blogs from NOP.
https://theknock.club
There were other resources that i went to find but sadly it looks like the lady that posted them may have left the forum, I can't seem to find the posts or any from her.
https://theknock.club
There were other resources that i went to find but sadly it looks like the lady that posted them may have left the forum, I can't seem to find the posts or any from her.
Thanks for your replies ladies. First of all, Smile - I think I can speak for everyone when I say no one is sick of you posting. This is a lifeline to many of us. Never apologise for posting, that's exactly the point of this forum! And that's kind of the point of my original post. There's so little support out there for us families and partners. I wish there was something else to help.
I completely get that a Facebook group/online group brings risk and just as you said there Smile; you don't want any more unnecessary attention on you or the family. I was thinking more of getting involved with a charity in an official capacity. Facebook has left a bad taste in my mouth anyway with the coverage, I never use it.
I just feel this is such a huge life changing and significant experience for us all and that pain and suffering could be put to good use in helping others.
I think what you're doing there is great SAL, lending your lived experience to someone you trust. Irony is; I am a trained journalist too! Not in news anymore though. So I know how it works and I know that a story is a story, the more salacious the better.
I completely get that a Facebook group/online group brings risk and just as you said there Smile; you don't want any more unnecessary attention on you or the family. I was thinking more of getting involved with a charity in an official capacity. Facebook has left a bad taste in my mouth anyway with the coverage, I never use it.
I just feel this is such a huge life changing and significant experience for us all and that pain and suffering could be put to good use in helping others.
I think what you're doing there is great SAL, lending your lived experience to someone you trust. Irony is; I am a trained journalist too! Not in news anymore though. So I know how it works and I know that a story is a story, the more salacious the better.
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Hi,
This is something that is on my mind too. I know that someone I went to school with has been through this with their sibling as he was in the media before our knock. I've thought so much about reaching out but nerves get the better of me. They may have walked away from their sibling and opening myself up to someone I wasn't particularly close to terrifies me. I also don't want to bring up any bad feelings for them.
Face to face groups would be good but for ease would probably need to be locally run. I'd love to be involved but I feel my knowledge is lacking somewhat to lead a group. I've had a relatively easy journey with ss compared to others on here and I wasn't massively involved in my persons legal journey as I was pregnant and had decided to limit my contact with him. There are so many things to consider in setting up a charity like this, everyone's journey is unique and they would need access to counsellors and other services in order to meet as many needs as possible in a safe way. I'm hoping that the direct messaging service provides an opportunity for people to eventually meet xxx
This is something that is on my mind too. I know that someone I went to school with has been through this with their sibling as he was in the media before our knock. I've thought so much about reaching out but nerves get the better of me. They may have walked away from their sibling and opening myself up to someone I wasn't particularly close to terrifies me. I also don't want to bring up any bad feelings for them.
Face to face groups would be good but for ease would probably need to be locally run. I'd love to be involved but I feel my knowledge is lacking somewhat to lead a group. I've had a relatively easy journey with ss compared to others on here and I wasn't massively involved in my persons legal journey as I was pregnant and had decided to limit my contact with him. There are so many things to consider in setting up a charity like this, everyone's journey is unique and they would need access to counsellors and other services in order to meet as many needs as possible in a safe way. I'm hoping that the direct messaging service provides an opportunity for people to eventually meet xxx
Distressed and pregnant.
You're so right, there are so many things to consider. It's such a trauma that I also wonder wether it's mentally advisable to continue on with it as a 'job' almost.
Funnily enough; I also know someone who's person went to jail a couple of years before this all happened to us, not for the same thing exactly but the same area of crime. I often think about reaching out to her but like you, I don't know what her position is now or what her relationship is with him. I almost just want to reach out and say, 'I wanted you to know that I know what you went through and if you ever need to chat in here!
She was a friend of a friend though so not sure if she'd even be up for a chat. It's such a personal journey like you say.
You're so right, there are so many things to consider. It's such a trauma that I also wonder wether it's mentally advisable to continue on with it as a 'job' almost.
Funnily enough; I also know someone who's person went to jail a couple of years before this all happened to us, not for the same thing exactly but the same area of crime. I often think about reaching out to her but like you, I don't know what her position is now or what her relationship is with him. I almost just want to reach out and say, 'I wanted you to know that I know what you went through and if you ever need to chat in here!
She was a friend of a friend though so not sure if she'd even be up for a chat. It's such a personal journey like you say.
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Hi , I am a mum of a teenager offender of iioc , this happened 7 years ago now and I still log on weekly to sadly see how many young boys lives are sadly being affected by this horror, I would dearly love to be involved in a mums support group and offer any knowledge and support Ican and hopefully make us feel less like leppers. xx ps I log on still after all this time in the hope I might see some positive way forward with all this
Hi Nonna. Sounds like you've had a long time of it, I'm glad you've managed a way through it.
It's people like you that I think could help people at the start of their journey. As I say, the families are victims too and should be able to access support without shame.
It's people like you that I think could help people at the start of their journey. As I say, the families are victims too and should be able to access support without shame.
Hi ataloss,
Yes I would love to help others be it the family members or perhaps the boys themselves, even if it's to say there is a way forward , I would love to be able to go into schools or on radio and educate on what can happen if you go down this path, but I am afraid to put my head above the parapet and receive new anguish for my so & family , there must be a way though ?? Somehow One day
Yes I would love to help others be it the family members or perhaps the boys themselves, even if it's to say there is a way forward , I would love to be able to go into schools or on radio and educate on what can happen if you go down this path, but I am afraid to put my head above the parapet and receive new anguish for my so & family , there must be a way though ?? Somehow One day
Just curious- I wonder if other crimes have such an impact on families?
I imagine they do have an impact but this is such a specifically detested crime. If it was manslaughter or fraud or robbery I can't imagine it being as bad as this to be frank, depending on the circumstances of course, and I don't want to diminish anyone else's journey. I think the difference in how partners and family are seen and thought of are clear. I also think this is a crime that's very hard to move on from, it's not a case of 'you've done your time'. It sticks with people forever.
I do all the time too.
I want to tell my side for the story.
I want to help families like mine and stop men going down that rabbit hole.
I want people to realise what they've done to me.
But it's also scary that more people could find out and the implications. X
I want to tell my side for the story.
I want to help families like mine and stop men going down that rabbit hole.
I want people to realise what they've done to me.
But it's also scary that more people could find out and the implications. X
I definitely do and I am writing a lot of emails when this is finally over. Every single health professional, probation, counsellor we've both been on contact with never heard of Lucy faithful or this forum. The I ky one that did was my person's counsellor who did courses with them and I'm so grateful he got matched with her. I'm in Northern Ireland and I thi k there needs to be a lot more education to health professionals, police etc here because according to some professionals it's quite common here too and when thi k of all the poor families here that have no idea there is some sort of support. I found lff and this form through a Google search because I needed to understand and was totally just left to it. The pol3were nice enough but the woman officer told me to get a Chinese and a bottle of wine and forget it happened lol seriously. They've no clue here and I'm gonna do every single thing I can to make sure other people going through this are supported. That's both offenders and family's.
Jay jay I know what you mean, the implications are scary and I think most people will have thought they've been through enough, understandably.
Newlady; I am so sorry that you had that flippant comment to deal with. How unprofessional and stupid? I think sometimes police forget that although this is a job for them, it's our lives. I can't imagine ever being that lacking in compassion.
Newlady; I am so sorry that you had that flippant comment to deal with. How unprofessional and stupid? I think sometimes police forget that although this is a job for them, it's our lives. I can't imagine ever being that lacking in compassion.
Smile Through Tears
My brother thinks of himself as a criminal mastermind but in fact is the worlds worst criminal. He has been in and out of prison for 17 years. Not a single one of his crimes has taken down the entire family like this one has with my father - and he is still awaiting to be charged.
My brother thinks of himself as a criminal mastermind but in fact is the worlds worst criminal. He has been in and out of prison for 17 years. Not a single one of his crimes has taken down the entire family like this one has with my father - and he is still awaiting to be charged.
Hi Attaloss,
I think this is a brilliant idea! I remember that after "the knock" and when the shock had subsided a little, I was desperate to talk to someone who had been in my position! It would've helped me so much! We are the only ones who know how this feels and we all have different experiences so can share them to help others on this journey. It's a journey nobody wants to be on but we have no choice but to carry on along it!! Like you said, having something positive to come out of this horrendous thing is so good!! Xx
I think this is a brilliant idea! I remember that after "the knock" and when the shock had subsided a little, I was desperate to talk to someone who had been in my position! It would've helped me so much! We are the only ones who know how this feels and we all have different experiences so can share them to help others on this journey. It's a journey nobody wants to be on but we have no choice but to carry on along it!! Like you said, having something positive to come out of this horrendous thing is so good!! Xx
What really shines through to me is how many of us want to do something positive with our own trauma. It's quite uplifting to see and gives me faith that humanity is, at its very core, good.
I know how you feel - i wanted something postive to come from the horendous knock - 7 years ago (yes - sorry but it never goes away although you learn to live with it and grow). I wanted to warn people - tell as few people as possible. Also to tell them that good men do bad things, they are sorry, they pay the price and not all are dangerous and pedatory as the press portrays them. Indeed, not all are the "P" word - who knows why they did it (complicated ...). I chose to stay with my husband - we now have a grandson - police decided to tell DIL (son knew and me and my son would protect grandson, never stay overnight etc. and DIL didnt need to know). The sad think is we didnt have to tell police he had been born - we were so honest ! It means - yet again - i am the one suffering and have very limited access to grandson .... DIL is trying to understand - she loved my husband - cos guess what ? Apart from this horrendous thing he did 7 years ago - he is a good guy. People dont understand that. Today my son told me that my husband cannot go to their house - they will come to ours. I dont understand the difference but i have to accept whatever they say - this isnt their fault either .. brings back all the anger - i feel my Husband has ruined our lives - and i still dont know why he did it (not really) despite the counselling ....
But i have to pick myself up - stay positve and focus on my vision - which is my family, my job and my hobbies. I have to be proud of H (counters the feeling of shame). Anyone know how to deal with the shame which isnt our fault ? I recommend The power of TED by David Emerald , Byron Katie (google online) and Richard Hanson "Hardwiring Happiness" for those of you who want to self help - they have changed my life and got me through this.
Sorry - one last thing - i was too scared to try any self help group as for me, people finding out is worse than what happened and after what happened and the way we were treated by some who did find out - i dont trust anyone.
I would love to be able to offer support for family who fall foul of this abuse. I'm early on in the journey but I would love to be apart of something. I'm Yorkshire area, be great to meet and put heads together if that's even possible