Family and Friends Forum

I found out from our local paper that my friend has been to court and pleaded guilty to possessing/making iioc (all categories, thousands). Although we are very close, we've been friends for 15 years and both neurodivergent so usual for us to drift a bit at times. He had been distant lately but confiding in me that he was depressed and had 'messed a lot of stuff up' - his relationship abruptly ended so I assumed he was referring to something that had happened in that relationship, but it's obvious now that he was referring to this.

I will preface this by saying I have read through a lot of this forum trying to gain some insight, and I realise that many of you are partners and mothers of offenders. What you have gone through in that capacity is immense and just heartbreaking. I'm fully aware that my experience of this situation will not compare, but I am heartbroken and just feel sick. He is obviously ashamed or embarrassed as he has not acknowledged this at all to me and has withdrawn entirely since it was published. I don't know if I want to talk to him or not - I'm sure I will but my instincts (knowing him well) tell me that he will not take responsibility and I will just find that so galling in this case, even though on many levels I want to support him through this like I have all of his other scrapes.

What I keep mulling over in my head is that this person knows all about the abuse I suffered as a child, and largely because they encouraged me to confide. Now I wonder what motivated his interest, genuine concern or something else. I think back over the years and some of the unlikely friends he's had on and off, and the coded way they talked about their porn habits, and it's very obvious to me now what the basis of those acquaintances was now. It's SO obvious now I almost can't believe I never considered it, although obviously I have no proof.

Perhaps I am wrong about this, but it seems to me from the quantities that have been cited that he likely has a sexual interest in children because he hasn't just stumbled across something here or there in the course of other things. I am really struggling to understand and come to terms with that. I simultaneously feel sorrow for him and repulsion towards him.

I do have some reservations about posting as I say above, I realise the impact is not so great as it will be for many of you, but I am really struggling with it and nowhere else to discuss it. I don't know who else has seen the article and I wouldn't want to draw attention to his predicament in any case as I'm sure he's quite distressed enough. I wonder if any of you can give me any pointers as to how I can be a supportive presence for him and if I even should given my own baggage. Also I have children who he never sees. Would there be any implications for me maintaining any sort of contact with him?

He appears to be awaiting sentencing and at risk of prison - I will certainly be reaching out to his mum who I know will be in bits. I just feel like I need to get to a place of greater acceptance with it first before I go wading in.

Thank you for your replies and taking the time to read my rambly post.

I messaged his mum this evening letting her know I had seen the article and that whilst I'm not quite ready to talk to my friend about it yet, I wanted her to know that I am here for her whatever happens. She absolutely is heartbroken and I feel so awful for her. She talks about it in only vague terms, I guess using the actual words makes it all too real. I feel a bit the same, like I want to skirt around things, because somehow I can't place a lot of these concepts alongside my friend's name.

It sounds as though my friend will get a prison sentence, and so I have decided I will arrange to meet with him and at least leave things on a good footing before that happens - it seems as though he was otherwise just planning to disappear, and I don't think I can let that happen.

Thanks again for welcoming me to your community.

I have kept a dialogue going with my friend's mum and I think (hope) she is sensing that she can trust me and open up. I really want to be a person that she can confide in because one thing this forum has opened my eyes to is how incredibly isolating this experience is. I know that she will stand by my friend (who in some ways that aren't always obvious, is quite vulnerable) and will do everything she can to support him, but at great cost to herself I'm sure.

I am a mum myself, and also of an autistic boy. My reading since this happened has left me really concerned about the gap in understanding as to why neurodivergent boys and men are particularly vulnerable to this behaviour. My head is still whirring with so many questions.