In need of hope
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@DevastatedWife
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't give you a story of hope yet, as I'm in a very similar situation without an outcome. I have a 2 1/2 year old and an 11 month old and my husband was arrested for making/distributing indecent images on kik.
It's a very hard journey and the first few days are the toughest. Those are days that you almost can't survive. I didn't eat anything in the first few days and lost a lot of weight.
You have to look after yourself and just concentrate on living for one minute at a time.
It sounds hard, but your life will go back to some sort of normalcy after a while.
We've been on this journey for about 6 months now and my husband has been released under investigation while his phones are still being forensically examined.
I have moments when I cry and I am on this forum almost everyday (it's a lifeline).
I have a lot of happy moments as well though with my kids, at work and even with my husband.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't give you a story of hope yet, as I'm in a very similar situation without an outcome. I have a 2 1/2 year old and an 11 month old and my husband was arrested for making/distributing indecent images on kik.
It's a very hard journey and the first few days are the toughest. Those are days that you almost can't survive. I didn't eat anything in the first few days and lost a lot of weight.
You have to look after yourself and just concentrate on living for one minute at a time.
It sounds hard, but your life will go back to some sort of normalcy after a while.
We've been on this journey for about 6 months now and my husband has been released under investigation while his phones are still being forensically examined.
I have moments when I cry and I am on this forum almost everyday (it's a lifeline).
I have a lot of happy moments as well though with my kids, at work and even with my husband.
I also want to add: It is possible to live together as a family again. Social services saw me as protective and understanding the risk. They therefore allow my husband to stay at our house as long as I supervise him with the kids and as long as I sleep in a room with the children and he sleeps alone in a room.
I am very well aware that this might change once he is charged and social services become involved again.
But for now, we have an almost normal family life. We keep it normal for the children so that they won't be harmed.
I can't guarantee you what social services will decide in your case. It really is a matter of luck and what kind of social worker you're dealing with, what their personal beliefs are.
My advice is to always let social services know that you are aware he is a risk. They don't want to see us minimising what happened as then we aren't protective in their eyes.
But there is definitely hope to rebuild again.
I am very well aware that this might change once he is charged and social services become involved again.
But for now, we have an almost normal family life. We keep it normal for the children so that they won't be harmed.
I can't guarantee you what social services will decide in your case. It really is a matter of luck and what kind of social worker you're dealing with, what their personal beliefs are.
My advice is to always let social services know that you are aware he is a risk. They don't want to see us minimising what happened as then we aren't protective in their eyes.
But there is definitely hope to rebuild again.
I can tell you it does get easier, it's all quiet raw for you right now and I know how that feels, we never had children together so must be so much harder you for. Give it time and take it day by day. I remember I k wit thing ill never feel happy again because I lost my sister then git the knock 4 weeks later so lost the two people close to me but my children (older) keot me going abs my job. Me and my person have actually managed over time to spend some wonderful times together in this hell. Look after you and please get some help, counselling helped me my gp was great. Also helpline great for both if you, no judgement and let it all out when you're ready. Xx
Thank you so much for your replies @hpl111 and Newlady.
@hpl111 - It's been 5 weeks and it's still so tough, as more and more horrific details keep coming out from my husband and the police. There's so much painful horrifying information to process.
Concentrating on living one minute at a time is good advice. If I focus on what my husband has done and how awful our lives are and how terrifying and awful the future looks, I fall apart. Im trying not to slide into depression, as my baby boy needs me.
It's reassuring to know that life can go back to some sort of normalcy. Social services have now agreed that my husband can have supervised visitation with our baby with a family member but not in our home. I can't believe this is my life!
It's good to know happy moments are still possible. It will take a long time to forgive my husband as there's a long list of things he's done and the police said he's made a big mess for himself.
Social services said that because of my mental health, I'm not allowed to supervise my husband and son on my own and we can reassess after the charges are brought. I think thats so unfair. Thanks for your advice about social services. It's awful that they aren't even sure about us living together ever again. I guess the charges will determine their future decisions.
@Newlady - thank you for letting me know it does get easier. Its unbearable right now. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. Losing the two people closest to you must have been horrendous. I'm glad you and your person have still had wonderful times together in this hell. That gives me hope. Thank you, I'm getting all help I can and will try take care of myself.
@hpl111 - It's been 5 weeks and it's still so tough, as more and more horrific details keep coming out from my husband and the police. There's so much painful horrifying information to process.
Concentrating on living one minute at a time is good advice. If I focus on what my husband has done and how awful our lives are and how terrifying and awful the future looks, I fall apart. Im trying not to slide into depression, as my baby boy needs me.
It's reassuring to know that life can go back to some sort of normalcy. Social services have now agreed that my husband can have supervised visitation with our baby with a family member but not in our home. I can't believe this is my life!
It's good to know happy moments are still possible. It will take a long time to forgive my husband as there's a long list of things he's done and the police said he's made a big mess for himself.
Social services said that because of my mental health, I'm not allowed to supervise my husband and son on my own and we can reassess after the charges are brought. I think thats so unfair. Thanks for your advice about social services. It's awful that they aren't even sure about us living together ever again. I guess the charges will determine their future decisions.
@Newlady - thank you for letting me know it does get easier. Its unbearable right now. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. Losing the two people closest to you must have been horrendous. I'm glad you and your person have still had wonderful times together in this hell. That gives me hope. Thank you, I'm getting all help I can and will try take care of myself.
Omg I could have written this myself. Word for word. My husband had the knock last Christmas and we had a week old baby that we had waited years for!! I also had to move back home with our baby to live with my father. It was so traumatic. I completely understand every emotion you're feeling. The betrayal is unimaginable and to be left as a single mother with a newborn. We had the plea hearing at the end of September and sentencing in November, so almost a full year from arrest to sentencing. My thoughts are with you, sending you all my strength. You will be ok and get through this xx
Devastated W - believe me - you ARE doing well, the beginning of this journey is indeed the hardest, we go through immense pain both physically and mentally. Caring for a young family is hard enough but you guys are breathtakingly amazing coping with this on top...
It is so hard to believe a loved one, surrounded by people that love & trust him can have such horrible secret life. How/why? What's the reason/is there a reason? You wonder as a wife/partner/ mum did I do anything wrong? It is my son who took us to hell....
Many twists and turns happen on this journey, fasten seatbelts it's a bumpy ride. All I can say is just try to dull your mind to the 'what if's' and 'try' (not easy) - (I struggle even now going into our 3rd year) to take each day at a time....
It is so hard to believe a loved one, surrounded by people that love & trust him can have such horrible secret life. How/why? What's the reason/is there a reason? You wonder as a wife/partner/ mum did I do anything wrong? It is my son who took us to hell....
Many twists and turns happen on this journey, fasten seatbelts it's a bumpy ride. All I can say is just try to dull your mind to the 'what if's' and 'try' (not easy) - (I struggle even now going into our 3rd year) to take each day at a time....
Hello,
I am sorry this happening to you. I am in a similar situation with a young baby and my partner will likely be getting a custodial sentence or so we've been told by legal team.
I understand how life altering this is. Is it very hard with a young baby. I feel robbed of my maternity leave, out of control of my own life and devestated that our family is going through this.
my partner has been very honest with me and through that we have been able to work through things together. I don't condone what he did in the slightest, and I am still very angry with him but we have been able to work together to get him the help he needs. I can see light at the end of the tunnel and know that we are facing a very challenging few years, but that we will be okay in the end.
I would encourage you to talk to your partner to to try and decipher why he has done this. decide if you want to work/can work through this, but I believe honesty is key. Talk to citizens advice about financial help if you need it. Try to focus on your lovely baby, it can be a great soother and distraction from everything else going on. Easier said than done but try not to worry about things you can't change and focus on what you can control. Strength and hugs to you. X
I am sorry this happening to you. I am in a similar situation with a young baby and my partner will likely be getting a custodial sentence or so we've been told by legal team.
I understand how life altering this is. Is it very hard with a young baby. I feel robbed of my maternity leave, out of control of my own life and devestated that our family is going through this.
my partner has been very honest with me and through that we have been able to work through things together. I don't condone what he did in the slightest, and I am still very angry with him but we have been able to work together to get him the help he needs. I can see light at the end of the tunnel and know that we are facing a very challenging few years, but that we will be okay in the end.
I would encourage you to talk to your partner to to try and decipher why he has done this. decide if you want to work/can work through this, but I believe honesty is key. Talk to citizens advice about financial help if you need it. Try to focus on your lovely baby, it can be a great soother and distraction from everything else going on. Easier said than done but try not to worry about things you can't change and focus on what you can control. Strength and hugs to you. X
Thank you so much all of you for your messages of encouragement and sharing a bit of your stories with me. You've all given me some hope and made me feel less alone in this horrific time x