Family and Friends Forum

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Fri January 20, 2023 8:41pmReport post

Today was sentencing. Initially adjourned due to delayed PSR and judge wanting to give due consideration. 2nd adjournment no one let him know. Today completely different judge and a custodial sentence of 32 months. They were pushing for a suspended sentence and we've got this. 32 months!! I can't breathe. How am I going to get through this?

ataloss

Member since
September 2022

45 posts

Posted Fri January 20, 2023 9:12pmReport post

I'm so so sorry that this has happened. You must be shocked to your core. Custodial seems to be the way it's going for a lot of cases on this forum recently, and all pretty much unexpected! Once you've gathered your thoughts, speak to your lawyer about an appeal.



I don't have much other advice but I didn't want to read and run. Sending strength. You can get through this, promise.

RIG22

Member since
September 2022

138 posts

Posted Fri January 20, 2023 9:19pmReport post

Life feels over; I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a very harsh sentence. So unfair on you. I wish I could offer some advice but all I can do is tell you we are here for you and most definitely thinking about you. It's can't be easy but then again none of us thought we could have survived the days after the knock and yet here we are. You are stronger than you realise. You will find the strength to move on and live with this too. That's all any of us can do.
Tomorrow will be another day and as with every new day, we face a new challenge. Stay strong.
Sending hugs, peace and strength. X

Edited Fri January 20, 2023 9:21pm

Wildflower2022

Member since
December 2022

27 posts

Posted Fri January 20, 2023 9:28pmReport post

I didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is so unfair on the non offending partners/family and all I can advise is take it one day at a time. It is no good worrying about what ifs or things you cannot control, but I appreciate this is easier said than done. Be kind to yourself and take it very easy for the next few weeks. Try and do whatever makes you feel more like you.



I am in the situation where my person has been told he is getting custodial at sentencing in the next few weeks so do understand partially how you feel. Hugs.

Distressed and pregnant

Member since
November 2020

994 posts

Posted Fri January 20, 2023 10:42pmReport post

Hi,

I'm so sorry to read this. Like the ladies have already said, you will absolutely get through this and you should definitely talk to your solicitor about appealing especially if the first judge wanted to give due consideration. Sending love to you xxx

K4

Member since
October 2022

608 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 6:34amReport post

Sending you my best, I am so sorry for this outcome and hope you manage to appeal



xxx

Newlady

Member since
April 2021

644 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 8:35amReport post

Sorry for this outcome, we are expecting the same if I'm honest but I really can't imagine what you're going through I have no words. Just try to look after yourself the next few days while this sinks in. We are here for you xc

Emeraldrose

Member since
August 2021

20 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 9:00amReport post

I'm so sorry to read this, I can't begin to imagine how your feeling. Its our turn on Thursday & I feel we are heading the same way. Sending love & hugs xx

Emeraldrose

Member since
August 2021

20 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 9:00amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Sat January 21, 2023 9:01am

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 5:53pmReport post

Thankyou for your replies. I've spent at most 3 days away from my husband since we married in 2006 I feel like someone has ripped my soul away. Not knowing where he is or if he's safe is so incredibly painful. Our adult daughter is autistic and beside herself. She can't process the sentence at all. She's worried he's not safe and she no longer feels safe without him here. She's also distraught that he said he'd see her later when he left and she didn't tell him she loved him. it's breaking my heart all over again.

He was working with Nova as he's ex military, undergoing PTSD therapy, had character references was of previous good character and probation & visor said he was low risk. He was working full time & is the main breadwinner. He'd agreed to undertake a course through probation to understand the offending behaviour & everything was pointing to a suspended sentence. I just don't understand how conversation with an adult decoy over a 2 week period can lead to this. People get less for far worse and we've been living a life without restriction for 18 months. It makes no sense!!

Apologies for the rant. x

Newlady

Member since
April 2021

644 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 7:45pmReport post

Life that's is so un fair. The system is so messed up. Can you get a second opinion for an appeal?, I really thi k you'd have a good shit, even get his sentence shorter because that doesn't seem right at all. I'm angry in your behalf, thi King about you xc

hpl111

Member since
November 2022

390 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 8:34pmReport post

@Life feels over

I am so sorry, I don't know what to say. I don't understand why the judge didn't take into account the mitigating factors.

Christmas Chaos

Member since
May 2022

131 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 10:07pmReport post

I'm so sorry. My hubby received a custodial aswel in November when we were always told to expect a community payback order, also assessed as low risk, first offence, was engaged with counselling since arrest. It's an awful shock. Has your solicitor mentioned appealing the sentence?

Christmas Chaos

Member since
May 2022

131 posts

Posted Sat January 21, 2023 10:11pmReport post

We've just had a successful appeal against the sentence

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Sun January 22, 2023 3:06amReport post

He was sentenced on Friday afternoon so I've been unable to talk to anyone yet due to the weekend. It was the paralegal that called me to give me the news as I'd contacted the solicitors office when I sensed things weren't going to end well. She asked me to let them know where he is if I find out first so evidently they don't know where he's been taken either. If I hadn't called them I don't think I'd have had a call at all. The whole system is so flawed.



Christmas I'm glad to hear you had a successful appeal. Did your legal team suggest this or did you push for it? xx

Christmas Chaos

Member since
May 2022

131 posts

Posted Sun January 22, 2023 2:44pmReport post

Life my husband also had a different judge the day of sentencing as the judge who did the plea hearing was on holidays. Our solicitor strongly advised us to appeal a few minutes after hubby was sentenced because no factors were taken into consideration such as no previous offence, assessed as low risk, really positive background reports done. He had completed Stopitnows course and then was having private counselling every weekend with a psycho-sexual counsellor. Also he began treatment for depression and anxiety with his doctor who was told everything by hubby since the arrest. I think you have 14 days after sentencing to lodge an appeal so that's why my advice is this needs to be the first thing you do before anything else. Its a small window. The judge who gave the sentence just looked at the crime and our solicitor felt the judge has his own personal opinions on this type of offence and gave him the maximum sentence with 6 months removed due to the guilty plea. The shock of getting a custodial when this wasn't expected and then to get the maximum custodial. It was surreal and more trauma after the knock. I know the pain and worry you are feeling xx



Also in the morning phone the court where your partner was sentenced, they should tell you what prison he is in. Also your person will get one phonecall to let you know where he is, this is until his contact list is approved on the phone prison system which can take about a week, hopefully less than that. Everything will be OK x

Edited Sun January 22, 2023 2:51pm

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Sun January 22, 2023 11:31pmReport post

Thank you CC x

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2538 posts

Posted Mon January 23, 2023 2:11amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Wed January 25, 2023 4:44pm

edel2020

Member since
March 2022

367 posts

Posted Mon January 23, 2023 10:49amReport post

So sorry to hear this. An appeal would definately be worthwhile. I believe that the sentencing guidelines were changed fairly recently, so that these cases are being treated as if it were a real child involved, rather than a decoy. That would explain why the judges are more likely to impose a custodial.

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Tue January 24, 2023 12:59amReport post

He rang : )

Edited Tue January 24, 2023 12:59am

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2538 posts

Posted Tue January 24, 2023 2:36amReport post

So happy to see your smile icon.

hope you feel some relief, keep strong my lovely x

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Wed January 25, 2023 12:38amReport post

Thankyou @smile x

Christmas Chaos

Member since
May 2022

131 posts

Posted Thu January 26, 2023 8:50pmReport post

That's great he rang! How is he doing and how are you holding up? I know the first few weeks are a bit surreal, it didn't feel real for me until we had the first visit to the prison. This gets easier with time and you'll find a new temporary routine xx

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2385 posts

Posted Thu January 26, 2023 8:54pmReport post

Evening Life

So glad you have spoke

How are you?x how is he doing x

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Sat January 28, 2023 5:43pmReport post

Thanks for checking in.

I'm exhausted, dazed, heartbroken, lost.. I'm struggling to sleep, feel sick to the stomach when I wake and he's not here and have absolutely zero appetite.

I managed to speak to him again after the numbers had been authorised and received my first letter this morning.

He's a tough cookie as he has 15 years military service but I can tell he's putting on his 'front'. He's currently sharing a cell with someone who's on remand. 7 days in and no access to education or work options. Currently in cell aside from collecting food which he has to take back to cell and the daily walk around the yard. He's beside himself with boredom. He couldn't keep his books or the writing paper, envelopes and stamps he took in his bag. He's devastated that he's not here to take care of us and that his actions have lead to this for us as a family. He's a good man who made a stupid choice not a bad man. The 'surprise' judge didn't even go by the prosecutions recommendations. They were the ones prosecuting and they didn't recommend custodial. What an absolute joke this system is. Power hungry people doing what they want and ignoring every professional recommendation set before them. Not even professional enough to remain unbiased and god help you if they've had a bad day or are hungry! He's been given 2 dates for potential release. 1 in May 24 which will be the half way point and the second in Jan 24 on tag. He has to have more meetings to discuss these though. No plan to appeal. No idea why. I think my husband just wants to get on with it, settle as best he can and count the days until he's back home.

I've been back to work and they are very supportive. I'm now taking a couple of weeks off to try and work out what this new temporary normal looks like. I woke this morning and felt sick when I realised that it was only 1 week ago as it feels like forever. I then thought lets flip it and see it as 1 week crossed off.


It's a journey non of us want, asked or expected to be on but we are. This too shall pass. This will not define my family or destroy it. xxx

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Sat January 28, 2023 5:45pmReport post

I wanted to add that this group has kept me going and continues to do so. Thank you to every single person that has taken the time to respond or check in xx

Edited Sat January 28, 2023 5:45pm

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Sat January 28, 2023 6:01pmReport post

I'm so sorry to read this. I have been where you are now, and I too am shocked at our 'justice' system. One day, the world will wake up to how it is anything but justice. I know what these, mostly, men have done is terrible, but the majority get there through poor mental health and addiction, not because they are evil men. So punishing does not actually help and the system punishes severely, not only the men themselves, but their innocent families, and in the process cause more problems than they solve.

Please look after yourself, put yourself first for a while, he will be looked after and he will find his place there. Even if he not religious I suggest chaplaincy, my ex found it really beneficial, and attendance gives time out of cell and time for spiritual reflection.

SAL

Member since
December 2021

895 posts

Posted Sun January 29, 2023 8:22amReport post

I wanted to offer some words of reassurance, I remember that feeling 'it's only been a week'.

It's hard to believe it, but some how you do settle into it. You find out more about the prison and the system and find a way to make it work. The weeks start rolling into months.

It's very early days and unfortunately my experience is that the prison system is slow. I can't remember how long it took for my person to have work, but when it did arrive (after some initial resistance) it's been the best thing for his mental health, hopefully your husband won't have to wait too long for this. My person had made the most of every opportunity there is - He goes to the gym (now unfortunately only once a week because of a change in regime), he goes to chaplaincy, gets books from the library, he also does cell workouts and he's studying, he's taught himself things like origami and embroidery - Anything to keep him occupied. He's tried his best to build a routine and structure and I'm very proud if him.

We call regularly, have a video call once a month and I visit once a month (its 7 hour round trip for me, so I can't do it more).

It takes time to figure things out. Each prison is different and from my experiences a lot is down to the prisioners to figure out themselves.

Having a loved one in prison does put a lot if pressure on family outside, so please be kind to yourself and look after you and your needs,

We are coming up to 10 months and we've settled into a routine that mostly works for both of us. It isn't a doddle and there have been some tough times, but the end is starting to appear in sight.

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2538 posts

Posted Sun January 29, 2023 9:02amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Sat February 4, 2023 5:45am

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Sun January 29, 2023 10:02amReport post

@Tabs @smile @SAL thank you x

Edited Sun January 29, 2023 10:02am

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2385 posts

Posted Sun January 29, 2023 11:46amReport post

Morning Life

Just checking in to.see how you are x

As the other wonderful ladies have said our loved ones do settle and get in to a routine

My son is just starting a degree in business economics it has taken ages but finally he is enrolled, he has a job and also has a gym regime, dont get me wrong it's still no where near what his life was like before this but he is coping and that is all I can hope for xx

Will you be able to visit him? xx

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Mon January 30, 2023 2:24pmReport post

Hi @upset

I will be able to visit at his current location thankfully. My only issue is our adult daughter is also desperate to see him but she lives with debilitating OCD and anxiety and is Autistic. I'm concerned how visiting will impact upon her so plan on making my first alone though that involves organising care for her at home.

xx

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2385 posts

Posted Mon January 30, 2023 2:45pmReport post

Hi Life,

Glad your as well as can be x

It will probably be better to have your first visit on your own but speak to the people who run the visitors centre they are usually really good and will be able to offer some advice on the best way to set up a visit with your daughter once you let them know she has more needs than others , but I am sure they can support you both with a visit xx

Dragonmama

Member since
November 2022

251 posts

Posted Mon January 30, 2023 8:15pmReport post

Hi life feels over

im so sorry for such a harsh sentence and hope that you can appeal, given that your OH was working with Project Nova they might be able to help in this process. However I have only found one veterans charity that works with veterans in prison (my OH is also a veteran currently on remand for talking to a decoy) however I think it may depend on where you live this charity is based in the north west. When I say the only one I mean the only one, it's quite worrying that there are over 20,000 veterans currently serving time this is 10% of the over all prison population but only one charity helps. They also help with families too, not sure if that is of any help to you. Let me know if this is applicable and I'll say who they are



sending strength and love xx

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Tue January 31, 2023 11:17pmReport post

@Dragonmama thanks for your reply, I spoke to my husbands support at Nova to clarify if support would continue whilst in prison. Apparently not via the same person but they gave me the name of the link at the prison my husband is currently located which I've passed on to him.

xx

Edited Tue January 31, 2023 11:18pm

Ghost hunter 23

Member since
June 2020

34 posts

Posted Wed February 1, 2023 4:18pmReport post

What did he do to get that sentence?

Dragonmama

Member since
November 2022

251 posts

Posted Wed February 1, 2023 7:50pmReport post

@life feels over

i really hope that the prison your husband goes to does have someone for him, the one mine is at doesn't have a veterans liaison even though nova said it would and there's a 28 week waiting list to see a shrink, if you do want that info (if it's applicable area wise, I don't know if they do further afield) let me know.

I wish we were not in this situation best of luck and hugs xx

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Fri February 3, 2023 7:56amReport post

@dragon

I'd appreciate the information to follow up. Thank you x

Dragonmama

Member since
November 2022

251 posts

Posted Fri February 3, 2023 2:43pmReport post

Liverpool veterans HQ is the name of the charity I know it's mostly north west based but doesn't hurt to ask. I went there the other day ( long journey but worth it) and they were so helpful and kind. They even offered me a lot of help. Hope it helps x

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Fri February 3, 2023 4:55pmReport post

@dragon many thanks xx