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I have been regularly reading these posts for the last 3 weeks trying to find some answers so that it can help me and my family.
The ‘knock’ happened 3 weeks ago when me and my family’s life literally got turned upside down. Still to this day I keep thinking I will wake up and it would all just be an awful nightmare. But it’s not. It’s a living nightmare and pure torture. The person is my brother. My brother who I literally adored and would of done absolutely anything for. Never in a million years would we of seen this coming. He has admitted to viewing indecent images but has sworn that this is all it was.
How are we possibly meant to get our heads round this? My parents don’t deserve this and my heart is breaking more day by day for them. I’m absolutely petrified of what the future will bring and what will happen if it gets out to the public. I’m petrified that our friends and family are guna desert us? We are so sickened by his actions. I keep asking ‘why?’ ‘Why would you do this?’ ‘How could you possibly do this?’ He has absolutely ruined us. I literally cannot face this. I can’t deal with this. The brother I thought I knew is the absolute complete opposite. I feel like I am grieving for the brother I once knew and loved. And it all has to be done in secret. I’m really trying to carry on with normal life but how am I meant to do this?
Sorry for going on but I am really struggling and felt that maybe writing in here would help in some way.
I have the upmost respect to everyone that is getting through these horrendous situations.
The ‘knock’ happened 3 weeks ago when me and my family’s life literally got turned upside down. Still to this day I keep thinking I will wake up and it would all just be an awful nightmare. But it’s not. It’s a living nightmare and pure torture. The person is my brother. My brother who I literally adored and would of done absolutely anything for. Never in a million years would we of seen this coming. He has admitted to viewing indecent images but has sworn that this is all it was.
How are we possibly meant to get our heads round this? My parents don’t deserve this and my heart is breaking more day by day for them. I’m absolutely petrified of what the future will bring and what will happen if it gets out to the public. I’m petrified that our friends and family are guna desert us? We are so sickened by his actions. I keep asking ‘why?’ ‘Why would you do this?’ ‘How could you possibly do this?’ He has absolutely ruined us. I literally cannot face this. I can’t deal with this. The brother I thought I knew is the absolute complete opposite. I feel like I am grieving for the brother I once knew and loved. And it all has to be done in secret. I’m really trying to carry on with normal life but how am I meant to do this?
Sorry for going on but I am really struggling and felt that maybe writing in here would help in some way.
I have the upmost respect to everyone that is getting through these horrendous situations.
Lucy
take a breath and some time. Your still early on in the process nothing is going to happen fast.
your brother is still your brother. He will need time himself to work our what happened and why.
lucy Faithfull website and phone calls are good and we are here.
so please slow down. Get some rest and look after your well-being.
its a lot to process it will take time it’s complex and I get where your head is it’s completely frightening. I am six months in and still not sure what is on his computer ( but I know there is something)
if you can still see your brother as a person the offence is so stigmatised if he can have you just understanding he was on a bad place and did something wrong that will be a lot. Though I guess your right in the middle worried about your mum and dad. It’s a shock for you all.
you sound like you are taking a mature approach searching out answers on here.
Sending you you loads of love ( please don’t forget self care, treat yourself to nice chocolate and bubble bath) nothing is going to happen fast. Yes it’s exceu waiting but it’s nice to know this information isn’t going to be released straight away. The police officer told me only tell people on a need to know basis at this point so don’t rush into disclosing until you know who you want to share things with xx
take a breath and some time. Your still early on in the process nothing is going to happen fast.
your brother is still your brother. He will need time himself to work our what happened and why.
lucy Faithfull website and phone calls are good and we are here.
so please slow down. Get some rest and look after your well-being.
its a lot to process it will take time it’s complex and I get where your head is it’s completely frightening. I am six months in and still not sure what is on his computer ( but I know there is something)
if you can still see your brother as a person the offence is so stigmatised if he can have you just understanding he was on a bad place and did something wrong that will be a lot. Though I guess your right in the middle worried about your mum and dad. It’s a shock for you all.
you sound like you are taking a mature approach searching out answers on here.
Sending you you loads of love ( please don’t forget self care, treat yourself to nice chocolate and bubble bath) nothing is going to happen fast. Yes it’s exceu waiting but it’s nice to know this information isn’t going to be released straight away. The police officer told me only tell people on a need to know basis at this point so don’t rush into disclosing until you know who you want to share things with xx
Hi Lucy
Our daughter has been through every emotion there is becpause she’s in the almost exact same position as you. The only thing different is that his offence was communication and the images he had were of the girl he communicated with but the press did not print that. They printed 21 indecent images which made people think he had child abuse images when he did not.
before this happened our daughter and son were each other’s hero. It’s almost a year since this started and I promise it does get better. Our daughter has stood by her brother after a lot of soul searching to understand why he did what he did. My son was sent to prison a couple of months ago when it went to court. I did not welcome it but on the other hand I knew he needed to be punished for what he did. His sister plus us and extended family visit him two or three times a week.
Our daughter and son are still very close but it definitely was not an easy road. I suggest you sit down and talk to your brother. Ask him to be honest about what the police will find so that there are no surprises for you and your parents when it goes to court.
Our son was honest thank god so we knew what we were facing when it went to court. Our son also knows that we would not stand by him if he came home and did that again and neither would his sister.
yourself and your parents need honesty from your brother and time to process all that’s happened. We took it day by day and dealt with the village and press as it came along. We did move to another area before it went to court though. I think it’s hard for the offender to go back to their home village if it goes in the press but I do know people who have managed it.
i wish you all the luck in the world. It does get better of that I’m sure x
Our daughter has been through every emotion there is becpause she’s in the almost exact same position as you. The only thing different is that his offence was communication and the images he had were of the girl he communicated with but the press did not print that. They printed 21 indecent images which made people think he had child abuse images when he did not.
before this happened our daughter and son were each other’s hero. It’s almost a year since this started and I promise it does get better. Our daughter has stood by her brother after a lot of soul searching to understand why he did what he did. My son was sent to prison a couple of months ago when it went to court. I did not welcome it but on the other hand I knew he needed to be punished for what he did. His sister plus us and extended family visit him two or three times a week.
Our daughter and son are still very close but it definitely was not an easy road. I suggest you sit down and talk to your brother. Ask him to be honest about what the police will find so that there are no surprises for you and your parents when it goes to court.
Our son was honest thank god so we knew what we were facing when it went to court. Our son also knows that we would not stand by him if he came home and did that again and neither would his sister.
yourself and your parents need honesty from your brother and time to process all that’s happened. We took it day by day and dealt with the village and press as it came along. We did move to another area before it went to court though. I think it’s hard for the offender to go back to their home village if it goes in the press but I do know people who have managed it.
i wish you all the luck in the world. It does get better of that I’m sure x
Thank you both so much for taking your time out to reply to my initial post. It helps so much having the support on here as you literally have no where else to turn.
I still haven’t been able to face my brother since the night it all happened. I just don’t know what I can say and what the right thing is to do.
I asked so many questions on the night it happened and he said he will be very open and honest, and he did appear to be. He said it started as a porn addiction that lead on to viewing indecent images. He swore that he never found anyone underage attractive. And has told me this has made him extremely depressed and he said that he was very close to taking his own life because of this. What I do know deep down is that he would never actually hurt anyone.
Im really struggling, and my mental health was in a pretty bad way before all of this but obviously this has heightened absolutely everything. Just absolutely petrified of everything that is to come.
Nicenana - that’s really good that you all have been able to support your son. I really hope everything works out for you all. Sending you and your daughter big hugs.
Bethlou thank you so much for your kind words. I have a young daughter and she is getting me through all this as she needs me to be strong. Xxxx
I still haven’t been able to face my brother since the night it all happened. I just don’t know what I can say and what the right thing is to do.
I asked so many questions on the night it happened and he said he will be very open and honest, and he did appear to be. He said it started as a porn addiction that lead on to viewing indecent images. He swore that he never found anyone underage attractive. And has told me this has made him extremely depressed and he said that he was very close to taking his own life because of this. What I do know deep down is that he would never actually hurt anyone.
Im really struggling, and my mental health was in a pretty bad way before all of this but obviously this has heightened absolutely everything. Just absolutely petrified of everything that is to come.
Nicenana - that’s really good that you all have been able to support your son. I really hope everything works out for you all. Sending you and your daughter big hugs.
Bethlou thank you so much for your kind words. I have a young daughter and she is getting me through all this as she needs me to be strong. Xxxx
This happened to me, it was my husband… I had similar thoughts to all the posts ,. One thing I can say is I promise it does get better. Be very careful what you say and who too. I made the mistake of telling my brother ( when it first happened and when I was rock bottom) who later told my whole family. It turned out that no one needed to know because it wasn’t in the papers. In a funny way, my family knowing was worse than what my husband had done.
I decided to stay with my husband, who I still love. We have been together 34 years had two beautiful adult children and had had a very successful happy marriage. Lots of people say this can’t be true otherwise why did he do what he did but it is not as simple as that. I did consider leaving and at one point was going to. But in the end I could not leave him and when I saw his desperate face and his garage full of his motorbike et cetera I thought how can I take this life from him. I guess that is love??
For those of you who are married to the offender and are wondering what to do my advice would be to listen to your heart, not to other people especially judgemental ones. Also remember if you stay it is you (not them) who is living with your husband. If you go it is you (not them) who is on your own. No one knows how you feel especially people who are not in your situation, and no one is entitled to judge. I lost my two brothers and my sister because of this… And that is another horrible story how some people are so beautifully kind and some are horrible no one knows how you feel especially people who are not in your situation, and no one is entitled to judge. I lost my two brothers and my sister because of this… And that is another horrible story how some people are so beautifully kind and some are horrible and will let you down
When it happened to me there was no forum and it is a very lonely place. Even the Lucy faithful website I found unhelpful, because it was focusing on the children (quite rightly) and just made me feel worse. Also I could never get through on the number. When I felt suicidal I phoned Crisis Helpline (given to my husband by the police) and then I had relate counselling (both my husband and separately) relate is totally brilliant - whether you decide to stay or separate. You can trust them and nothing shocks them. And I confided in some very special friends (2 doctors) who I trusted with my life (and who told no one) I also went to my GP who was brilliant and nonjudgemental. I think medical people charge less .
I also did some stupid things which I urge you not to do this includes staying up late at night reading websites with your iPad, (Leave your phone et cetera downstairs) ruminating over and over wondering why (I don’t think you ever will find out) Even now as I am dictating this I am saying to myself “let it go, get outside and do your gardening enjoy your life, life is too short” so, although these phones are a good idea please try not to dwell on it too much (really hard I know – the hardest thing I found is “letting go” and I still haven’t done so yet even now as I am dictating this I am saying to myself “let it go, get outside and do your garden and enjoy your life, life is too short“ so, although these phones are a good idea please try not to dwell on it too much (really hard I know – the hardest thing I found is “letting go“ and I still haven’t done so yet )
The good things I did was keep my job (it was my celebration) be kind to myself, meditation, counselling, exercise (aqua classes can make you laugh and take your mind off it) and somehow lived in a double world.
I would have loved to have someone to talk to especially someone who decided to stay. Most people seem to leave and then I feel and I mad to stayThis object is so taboo it is difficult to correspond with someone in case anybody finds out.
I went to court with him and on the way in the car I said to him “ just remember you are a good man who did a bad thing.“ I truly believe that. Please remember your brother is still your brother, I assume he is a good man who did a bad thing. I think probably he doesn’t even know why he did it, and he needs to try to find out
For me This was all for years ago for me and it has been a horrible journey. I have been to hell and back. I didn’t stay with him likely and I still sometimes feel a fraud because everybody (who doesn’t know) think my husband is marvellous and I am extremely lucky to have him Sometimes I want to say “he’s not as great as you know I think you know, and he is bloody lucky to have me!” I did not stay with him lightly we had two years of counselling and I forced him to faced what he had done.
Sorry for the ramble, Right I really must now get on with my day and enjoy it at all these thoughts aside – keep going warriors!
I decided to stay with my husband, who I still love. We have been together 34 years had two beautiful adult children and had had a very successful happy marriage. Lots of people say this can’t be true otherwise why did he do what he did but it is not as simple as that. I did consider leaving and at one point was going to. But in the end I could not leave him and when I saw his desperate face and his garage full of his motorbike et cetera I thought how can I take this life from him. I guess that is love??
For those of you who are married to the offender and are wondering what to do my advice would be to listen to your heart, not to other people especially judgemental ones. Also remember if you stay it is you (not them) who is living with your husband. If you go it is you (not them) who is on your own. No one knows how you feel especially people who are not in your situation, and no one is entitled to judge. I lost my two brothers and my sister because of this… And that is another horrible story how some people are so beautifully kind and some are horrible no one knows how you feel especially people who are not in your situation, and no one is entitled to judge. I lost my two brothers and my sister because of this… And that is another horrible story how some people are so beautifully kind and some are horrible and will let you down
When it happened to me there was no forum and it is a very lonely place. Even the Lucy faithful website I found unhelpful, because it was focusing on the children (quite rightly) and just made me feel worse. Also I could never get through on the number. When I felt suicidal I phoned Crisis Helpline (given to my husband by the police) and then I had relate counselling (both my husband and separately) relate is totally brilliant - whether you decide to stay or separate. You can trust them and nothing shocks them. And I confided in some very special friends (2 doctors) who I trusted with my life (and who told no one) I also went to my GP who was brilliant and nonjudgemental. I think medical people charge less .
I also did some stupid things which I urge you not to do this includes staying up late at night reading websites with your iPad, (Leave your phone et cetera downstairs) ruminating over and over wondering why (I don’t think you ever will find out) Even now as I am dictating this I am saying to myself “let it go, get outside and do your gardening enjoy your life, life is too short” so, although these phones are a good idea please try not to dwell on it too much (really hard I know – the hardest thing I found is “letting go” and I still haven’t done so yet even now as I am dictating this I am saying to myself “let it go, get outside and do your garden and enjoy your life, life is too short“ so, although these phones are a good idea please try not to dwell on it too much (really hard I know – the hardest thing I found is “letting go“ and I still haven’t done so yet )
The good things I did was keep my job (it was my celebration) be kind to myself, meditation, counselling, exercise (aqua classes can make you laugh and take your mind off it) and somehow lived in a double world.
I would have loved to have someone to talk to especially someone who decided to stay. Most people seem to leave and then I feel and I mad to stayThis object is so taboo it is difficult to correspond with someone in case anybody finds out.
I went to court with him and on the way in the car I said to him “ just remember you are a good man who did a bad thing.“ I truly believe that. Please remember your brother is still your brother, I assume he is a good man who did a bad thing. I think probably he doesn’t even know why he did it, and he needs to try to find out
For me This was all for years ago for me and it has been a horrible journey. I have been to hell and back. I didn’t stay with him likely and I still sometimes feel a fraud because everybody (who doesn’t know) think my husband is marvellous and I am extremely lucky to have him Sometimes I want to say “he’s not as great as you know I think you know, and he is bloody lucky to have me!” I did not stay with him lightly we had two years of counselling and I forced him to faced what he had done.
Sorry for the ramble, Right I really must now get on with my day and enjoy it at all these thoughts aside – keep going warriors!
Hello Peggy
Thank you for writing that post - it’s always nice to hear about people that have got through it, obviously everyday you’re still getting through it but it’s lovely that you’ve stuck by your husband and obviously what was done was wrong, but I completely agree that they are a nice person that did a horrible thing as I know and truly believe that my dad is a good person, and always thinking of others before him just unfortunately he found himself in a dark place which stemmed from a porn addiction and couldn’t get himself out of it.
like you said it’s such a taboo subject and it does need speaking about more so everyone has a better understanding.
My Dad will always be mortified with what he has done and what he has all put us through and he shows empathy and compassion everyday so that’s why myself and my family choose to stick by him.
For me when I first found out I couldn’t get my head around it, and was all mixed emotions from love to hate to feeling sorry for him to then thinking well he has done this to us, you then slowly have to get through it day by day which we all do on this forum, I don’t think any of us will ever understand but we try our hardest to, now I’m on what I think for me is my final stage and that’s getting through all the people who have found out from the media and papers about my dad. Again they like to word it in the worst way possible so you immediately think young children and babies which wasn’t the case for my dad he was looking at category C images all of teenagers (still wrong and makes me sick that he did this, not justifying it at all) but he made a mistake and I know he would never ever cause harm to anyone intentionally.
Lucy1987 right now you do not need to speak to your brother everyone handles things in different ways and there is no right or wrong in it. Remember none of this is your fault, you did not deserve for any of this to be put on you.
Dont feel rushed into thinking that you need to get answers straight away just do it at a time that suits you whenever that may be. You know your brother and he is probably trying to figure it out himself. Remember what kind of brother he has been, and never let anyone’s judgement affect your decision as it’s only you who can decide whether you want to forgive him or not.
Just remember to take time out and think about you; so much easier said than done I know.
Xx
Thank you for writing that post - it’s always nice to hear about people that have got through it, obviously everyday you’re still getting through it but it’s lovely that you’ve stuck by your husband and obviously what was done was wrong, but I completely agree that they are a nice person that did a horrible thing as I know and truly believe that my dad is a good person, and always thinking of others before him just unfortunately he found himself in a dark place which stemmed from a porn addiction and couldn’t get himself out of it.
like you said it’s such a taboo subject and it does need speaking about more so everyone has a better understanding.
My Dad will always be mortified with what he has done and what he has all put us through and he shows empathy and compassion everyday so that’s why myself and my family choose to stick by him.
For me when I first found out I couldn’t get my head around it, and was all mixed emotions from love to hate to feeling sorry for him to then thinking well he has done this to us, you then slowly have to get through it day by day which we all do on this forum, I don’t think any of us will ever understand but we try our hardest to, now I’m on what I think for me is my final stage and that’s getting through all the people who have found out from the media and papers about my dad. Again they like to word it in the worst way possible so you immediately think young children and babies which wasn’t the case for my dad he was looking at category C images all of teenagers (still wrong and makes me sick that he did this, not justifying it at all) but he made a mistake and I know he would never ever cause harm to anyone intentionally.
Lucy1987 right now you do not need to speak to your brother everyone handles things in different ways and there is no right or wrong in it. Remember none of this is your fault, you did not deserve for any of this to be put on you.
Dont feel rushed into thinking that you need to get answers straight away just do it at a time that suits you whenever that may be. You know your brother and he is probably trying to figure it out himself. Remember what kind of brother he has been, and never let anyone’s judgement affect your decision as it’s only you who can decide whether you want to forgive him or not.
Just remember to take time out and think about you; so much easier said than done I know.
Xx
Thanks Evie - you are my first reply and it made me feel good ???? I hope you and your family find peace and happiness .
Sorry the question marks were a smiley face !
Peggy & Evie,
thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am still really struggling. I feel like I’ve gone backwards, it’s constantly on my mind. I just feel totally heartbroken. I still haven’t spoken with my brother. I miss him terribly. Deep down I know he is a good person who has done a bad thing, and I really do believe that. But I just don’t know what to do or say. The only thing keeping me going right now is the fact I have a 1 year old daughter. I honestly don’t know where I would be without her.
I really feel feel like I need some kind of counselling, but I work 3 days a week and it’s also finding the time for someone to look after my daughter while I attend the sessions. No one knows the situation at the moment.
Im sorry I know I seem so negative, but just really struggling with the way this has literally turned out family upside down. Is it right to say that this is some kind of trauma? As it certainly feels like it. Except you can’t even tell anyone what traumatic experience you are going through.
Ladies - I literally admire your strength and courage. You have no idea how strong you are and how much of an inspiration you are to all the other people who are on this forum. I wish you well xxxx
thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am still really struggling. I feel like I’ve gone backwards, it’s constantly on my mind. I just feel totally heartbroken. I still haven’t spoken with my brother. I miss him terribly. Deep down I know he is a good person who has done a bad thing, and I really do believe that. But I just don’t know what to do or say. The only thing keeping me going right now is the fact I have a 1 year old daughter. I honestly don’t know where I would be without her.
I really feel feel like I need some kind of counselling, but I work 3 days a week and it’s also finding the time for someone to look after my daughter while I attend the sessions. No one knows the situation at the moment.
Im sorry I know I seem so negative, but just really struggling with the way this has literally turned out family upside down. Is it right to say that this is some kind of trauma? As it certainly feels like it. Except you can’t even tell anyone what traumatic experience you are going through.
Ladies - I literally admire your strength and courage. You have no idea how strong you are and how much of an inspiration you are to all the other people who are on this forum. I wish you well xxxx
Lucy1987 Hi Lucy - I must be quick - should be asleep! Yes this is a trauma - get some help and be kind to yourself . Difficult with a child but you must take care of your mental health if you are going to be a good mother and any help to you brother (and parents or rest of family)
Your brother needs you ... and he is still the same person you loved - now you know a horrible dark secret about him, but we all have secret bad thoughts. Are you entitled to judge him ? He will go through the system and pay the price. I believe in second chances if someone is truly sorry, acknowledges what they’ve done. take time and try to stay calm .
I used a meditation app called buddify - brilliant in the dark times and I still use it now . It gave me space to get my head around it.
take care and I send you strength x
Your brother needs you ... and he is still the same person you loved - now you know a horrible dark secret about him, but we all have secret bad thoughts. Are you entitled to judge him ? He will go through the system and pay the price. I believe in second chances if someone is truly sorry, acknowledges what they’ve done. take time and try to stay calm .
I used a meditation app called buddify - brilliant in the dark times and I still use it now . It gave me space to get my head around it.
take care and I send you strength x