Family and Friends Forum

Hi Becky

im sorry to hear that you’ve found your life turned upside down through something you have not had any part of just like myself and many other on this forum. You need time to process what has happened, how you really feel about it etc.

Regarding the press. There is sadly no way to stop them printing a name and street where they live if they wish to do so. We tried absolutely every avenue to stop our sons name going in the paper but got nowhere. Judge would not grant a privacy ban. That said, not all cases make the press. It just depends on how bad it is and what other cases are on that week. Our sons name went in paper but we had moved to another county before it went to court. We were lucky in that it did not do to many rounds on Facebook and managed it quite well. The men who are caught by the paedophile hunters have it a lot tougher as it’s usually live streamed to thousands and thousands online.

If the police are saying its likely to go to court then I’d assume they’ve found something that warrants court. I’ve heard of people who only have a small number of images getting a caution and added to the sex offender register. Those cases do not go to court so therefore do not get reported in the press. That would be something to think about if you know how many images they are likely to find.

Try to keep calm and remember you have done no wrong. Also remember your husband is still The husband he was a month ago. He is likely just like the thousands of other men who do this. They don’t look at the internet as a form of real life but it is real life. The tragedy is that by the time they realise that their lives are lying in ruins. Not just their lives but their families to.

Keep coming on here in meantime as there are plenty in here in the same boat as you who can advise you more as in my case it was my son and not my husband. Sending you hugs and good wishes x

Hi Becky



I understand how you are feeling I have 3 small children and live I a very small place. I am certain it will be in the press.in the first few weeks I tried to control every possible scenario. The more time In had to process things and after taking advice from this forum, I realise that all this is out of my control. I have had to let it go. I also confided in a few friends (after a few months when I had more info) and it was such a relief to let go of some of he mental load. The support for me and the children is heartwarming. I had to tell my children what happened and it is heart breaking to explain to your child why the papers will be interested in something that is making us so sad. But we can work on dignified responses for everything that might come our way.



Good luck. It gets a bit easier as time goes on.

Becky

thats very positive that he has told you everything. It’s completely devastating and heartbreaking for us all. All you can do is try and be prepared for things you know are going to come up. Your in the early stages and it could be many months before anything in the courts happen.

As far as your kids are concerned. What you may have to tell them will depend on their ages. Has social services become involved? They did with my daughter because she has a toddler son. Fortunately she had a positive meeting with social worker and health visitor and got signed off after one visit.

I was devastated that my son offended so I can only imagine it feels worse when it’s your husband. In our case our son spoke with an underage girl and had images she had willingly sent him and he had sent her some. This was bad enough without any child abuse stuff. That said my son was wrong to do what he did but he’s now being punished for it while serving his prison sentence.

Good wishes x

Oh Becky that’s worrying.

you may need to phone your doctor as the crisis team may need to assess him. Has he said anything, like his life is not worth living. My husband has intensive mental health support after the knock. I don’t want to scare you but professional help may make all the difference xxx

Hi

The more I read your story Becky the more saddened and relieved I am. Saddened because your son is so young to be going through what he is through no fault of his. Relieved because our grandson is still a toddler and understands nothing of what’s gone on. It’s hard to imagine what you and your children are going through or what your children feel inside. It’s bad enough when adults have to go through it never mind innocent children. Your priority at the moment has to be your children and helping them as much as possible. Not easy as I well know when your going through all that you are yourself x

Becky,

i promise you your doing fine. It’s a horrendous experience and your still in very early days.

You have done all you can contacting his mental health team. I truly hope for all the offenders out there hitting rock bottom is a way to grow and get help. Unfortunately you can’t make it better only they can. The Samaritans have an email address if he doesn’t feel up for talking and they don’t just support people on the edge of suicide but those who feel completely hopeless and no self worth.I hope he gets some help.

you own well-being is also a priority as you need to get some help and rest to support your children. In the early days I called Lucy Faithfull but I have to say my doctor and this forum were the most helpful.

Take it day by day or hour by hour. You have already come so far. It’s a process of grief feel sadness we were all let down by those we truly trusted. Self care is important to us.

the fear is real but I am six months in and still don’t know about his computer. There is time to get your head together before the criminal justice system and you know no one will need to know just yet. It’s a need to know basis now. ( but you do need some support, have you any friends that you know are non judgmental of people. If you choose correctly you will be so grateful to have support for you).

one last thing I remember in the early days I held it together for my daughter and struggled at night time with my sleep. Post here if you need to ask anything.

becky it’s heartbreaking, I understand. You have got this. We maybe only writers on the forum but behind the screen we are real people going through this together.

stay safe and kind to yourself. Your children love you and you love them. I don’t even hate my husband as he blessed me with my little girl who I love so deeply. Xxx

beth Lou xxx

I forgot to say. I didn’t move house yet, but those who have don’t appear to have regretted it. A fresh start can be good. Maybe just get your house valued as a starting point.

You seem like a good mummy worried about your children. I know everyone keeps saying self care is important but if you look after yourself you can look after them.

take your time it’s not even been a month for you. Xxx

or if you renting it maybe easier to move later, but like I said no rush these things take time a ridiculous amount of time you have time to choose what’s best for you and your children X

Becky you sound full on practical mode. I have admiration for you,

in terms of contact, my husband sees my daughter twice a week supervised for two hours at a time as that is what he and her can both manage. I have no plans to up contact but may reduce it depending on what happens at court. Doing longer less frequently maybe.

my husband and I are separated but still civil to each other. He also has a good relationship with my daughter and she wants to see him.

children services maybe able to advise. The children’s needs should come first and their wishes will be saught.

if the relationship had completely broken down and you suspend contact he could possibly take you to court for access but the judge will also want to know what the children want.

the whole situation is devestatong it sounds very much you are putting your kids first a so that’s good social services will value this as you are someone who can keep the children safe. All the best Becky xxx



i also remember in the early days I kept myself busy cleaning decorating etc but sometimes you need a really good cry. Your emotions maybe all over the place but that’s okay. You can and will survive this xxx

Becky, just remember that social services aren't "the bad guys" here, and they'll just want to know that you're putting your children first. Their safety is the concern and they'll advise you on what's best, but they'll also take into account the happiness of the children.

I was terrified of social services, as I felt like if they didn't allow access then I'd have "failed", but they're not out to trip you up - they just want to see that you're putting the children's needs and safety first. The second time that they got in touch (last week) was harder, but again they just wanted to see that I understood the severity of the situation and that I was "team kids" rather than "team partner", which it goes without saying I am.

It sounds like you're doing the absolute best you can in the circumstances, so don't doubt that. Keep going. Xx