Some people never change
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So my person is under investigation. I have just been sent a screenshot of his current profile on a dating site. The photos are of him in his current accommodation.
I have told people he is away from the kids and I due to work commitments.
I feel like an utter fool. From tonight, I am going to shut down this group, pretend he never existed and try and rebuild my life with the children away from him.
I wish you all the very best in your individual journeys no matter what stage you are at.
There is no helping some people. He messages me every night saying he will never make the same mistake again, how hard he is working on his rehabilitation and that he loves me. Just goes to demonstrate that I really do not know this person.
The screenshots have come from someone who I know but I am not close to them. I feel like an utter fool.
I have told people he is away from the kids and I due to work commitments.
I feel like an utter fool. From tonight, I am going to shut down this group, pretend he never existed and try and rebuild my life with the children away from him.
I wish you all the very best in your individual journeys no matter what stage you are at.
There is no helping some people. He messages me every night saying he will never make the same mistake again, how hard he is working on his rehabilitation and that he loves me. Just goes to demonstrate that I really do not know this person.
The screenshots have come from someone who I know but I am not close to them. I feel like an utter fool.
I'm so sorry to read this. Take care of yourself and your children xxx
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position.
You must do what you feel is best for you and the kids. Don't feel you have to leave this group, there are those who have walked away from their person but still get support from this community x
You must do what you feel is best for you and the kids. Don't feel you have to leave this group, there are those who have walked away from their person but still get support from this community x
He has children with someone else who he does not have contact with. She hasn't been made away of the situation because he doesn't have contact with their children. Do you think I should make her aware or no? I was only going to notify her depending on it reaching the media but obviously I'm not going to know anything about the case now. She only lives 50 minutes away so if it enters the press then she will have a shock. She has always been kind towards me xxx
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Are the children under 16? And did he tell the officers about them if so? They should've informed if yes. I wouldn't tell her if I'm honest, it could come across as not doing it with good intentions. Xx
Are the children under 16? And did he tell the officers about them if so? They should've informed if yes. I wouldn't tell her if I'm honest, it could come across as not doing it with good intentions. Xx
My partner has a 4 year old from a one night stand who he hadn't had contact with for over a year at the point of arrest (long story) but even though he said he doesn't see the kid they still called the Mum and informed her, which was enraging considering she's effectively a stranger... She decided that would be the perfect opportunity to ask him to see the child again (the mind boggles). I think it's down to the police on whether they disclose in these circumstances, the police also made me tell my sister because of her child even though we never have them on our own. I feel like they make the rules up as they go along! Xxx
Denzel7 so sorry to hear that. It's so very difficult when all you have done is support and be there. I hope this allows you to move on with your life and now put yourself first and be there for your children. All the best. X
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I'd say you've had a lucky escape and you can move on and not have to deal with this. I'd inform the police about his other children and let them deal with it. I hope any women he meets on the dating site also find out.
My person separated from his wife on the day he was arrested. A few months later while under investigation he went onto dating sites and tbh that is how we met...
I did feel uncomfortable knowing he went into dating sites soon after the break up with his ex wife, and at this time be had not had any formal rehabilitation. It has been flagged as a problematic behaviour and has been recently referenced in his assessment of risk despite he was online dating years ago- so your person is playing with fire here.
I would inform the police of the children, as they are best to handle it. It might be worth letting them know he is on a dating site too perhaps? Especially if he is looking to date people who have kids. My person went on a date with a mother and that never say right with me.
I did feel uncomfortable knowing he went into dating sites soon after the break up with his ex wife, and at this time be had not had any formal rehabilitation. It has been flagged as a problematic behaviour and has been recently referenced in his assessment of risk despite he was online dating years ago- so your person is playing with fire here.
I would inform the police of the children, as they are best to handle it. It might be worth letting them know he is on a dating site too perhaps? Especially if he is looking to date people who have kids. My person went on a date with a mother and that never say right with me.
Thank you for your response and support guys.
His ex has prohibited steps in place so he cannot have face to face contact with them. It was all agreed in a court order. When SS visited me after the knock, I notified them that he had other children and provided them with full names and DOB.
My person is older than me. Not by much but older. He has a lot of history. A broken marriage which I found out after the knock was due to infidelity. He left her for another women which he then went on to describe as emotionally abusive, so he cheated on her and left that relationship with 2 children.
He has 4 biological children by 3 different women (including me) he has nothing to do with any of his children.
He comes across as the most genuine, caring and loving person. The red flags where there but I was colourblind by them.
The person who sent me the screenshot was his ex girlfriend. They broke up years ago but she holds a strong vendetta against him. She says she was in a vulnerable position when she met him, he promised her the world and then left her with 2 children.
The problem I face now is his parents. His mum and stepdad. I have always had such a lovely relationship with them. They are completely blind when it comes to him. They cannot see that he has done anything wrong. They think his ex's are in her words 'psychopaths', the fact that he distributed an image of a very young child - a mistake, the chats with other people just because he was stressed at work, and now the online dating profile - 'just a moment of madness'. They think I am overreacting and listening to his ex partner when infact, I'm not. I found devices in my outside shed of his which I gave to the police a few weeks ago and his mum had a passive aggressive go at me and couldn't understand why I would of done it.
The problem I find is that he is staying 5 minutes away from there home, he eats at their place every night, does his washing there and works close by. In her opinion, he's just made a few mistakes in life. She always encourages him to move on from everything without taking any responsibility for his actions. It's always someone else's fault.
I don't really see me or the children being able to continue a relationship with them without it turning into a toxic mess. I hate him. They think I should support him or stay quiet and let him move on amd enjoy his life.
Any advice please guys? Xx
His ex has prohibited steps in place so he cannot have face to face contact with them. It was all agreed in a court order. When SS visited me after the knock, I notified them that he had other children and provided them with full names and DOB.
My person is older than me. Not by much but older. He has a lot of history. A broken marriage which I found out after the knock was due to infidelity. He left her for another women which he then went on to describe as emotionally abusive, so he cheated on her and left that relationship with 2 children.
He has 4 biological children by 3 different women (including me) he has nothing to do with any of his children.
He comes across as the most genuine, caring and loving person. The red flags where there but I was colourblind by them.
The person who sent me the screenshot was his ex girlfriend. They broke up years ago but she holds a strong vendetta against him. She says she was in a vulnerable position when she met him, he promised her the world and then left her with 2 children.
The problem I face now is his parents. His mum and stepdad. I have always had such a lovely relationship with them. They are completely blind when it comes to him. They cannot see that he has done anything wrong. They think his ex's are in her words 'psychopaths', the fact that he distributed an image of a very young child - a mistake, the chats with other people just because he was stressed at work, and now the online dating profile - 'just a moment of madness'. They think I am overreacting and listening to his ex partner when infact, I'm not. I found devices in my outside shed of his which I gave to the police a few weeks ago and his mum had a passive aggressive go at me and couldn't understand why I would of done it.
The problem I find is that he is staying 5 minutes away from there home, he eats at their place every night, does his washing there and works close by. In her opinion, he's just made a few mistakes in life. She always encourages him to move on from everything without taking any responsibility for his actions. It's always someone else's fault.
I don't really see me or the children being able to continue a relationship with them without it turning into a toxic mess. I hate him. They think I should support him or stay quiet and let him move on amd enjoy his life.
Any advice please guys? Xx
His common trend is to get into a relationship, have children, cheat on the person online, join dating sites, move areas - get a new job then start the process again. He started therapy but he quit. He says he's working hard in his rehabilitation but has joined a dating site - stating he is single and likes to drink yet he is an alcoholic who apparently hasn't had a drink since the knock.
I am done with him. But I just feel sadden by his parents but I cannot see them changing. I understand they want to support their son but they are so strong and set in their way that they will not accept he has done anything wrong. They just help him brush it all under the carpet and help him move on again.
I am done with him. But I just feel sadden by his parents but I cannot see them changing. I understand they want to support their son but they are so strong and set in their way that they will not accept he has done anything wrong. They just help him brush it all under the carpet and help him move on again.
Cripes he sounds like a piece of work to be honest. I think, given his history, you're better off washing your hands completely. It's a shame about his parents, he's obviously done a good job of fooling them - probably told them that it's the women who are crazy and horrible and made out he is the victim. I would be open with his parents and leave the ball in their court - either they can accept the truth and possibly have a relationship with their grandchildren or they can put you down as another case of their son being wronged. It also sounds like they enable his behaviour, you can only give someone so many chances regardless of their relationship with you - especially when it involves children, he needs to be stopped. You have done nothing wrong, your hands are clean, it's up to them to decide what they want to do. Xx
Denzel7; you've done your bit. It's time to maybe let go. People have to want to change. If they don't see any wrong in their ways or behaviour then I do think you or anyone in that situation is fighting a losing battle. As much as you want to, you can't help everyone. Sometimes for your own sanity you have to walk away.
As for his parents then I'm afraid it's not unusual for mothers (especially) to react that way. We all like to think we would stand up for what's right but as mothers if we could get away with shifting the blame elsewhere instead of our children then we'd give it a good go. And as parents we also have the "could I have done this better or differently as a parent" situation (Maybe not everyone will agree with what I've said there). Perhaps his mother knows exactly what her son is like but finds it hard to accept so is in denial hence shifting the blame on others. If he hasn't changed now then sadly I don't think he will going forward.
In any case, it's good that you have seen and recognised a pattern with your person. This will help you understand better what you need to do for yourself and your children. Your ex and his parents are not putting you first so now you need to. Do what's right for you. You've done more than anyone could have expected by just being there during this nightmare.
Look after yourself and live your life. X
As for his parents then I'm afraid it's not unusual for mothers (especially) to react that way. We all like to think we would stand up for what's right but as mothers if we could get away with shifting the blame elsewhere instead of our children then we'd give it a good go. And as parents we also have the "could I have done this better or differently as a parent" situation (Maybe not everyone will agree with what I've said there). Perhaps his mother knows exactly what her son is like but finds it hard to accept so is in denial hence shifting the blame on others. If he hasn't changed now then sadly I don't think he will going forward.
In any case, it's good that you have seen and recognised a pattern with your person. This will help you understand better what you need to do for yourself and your children. Your ex and his parents are not putting you first so now you need to. Do what's right for you. You've done more than anyone could have expected by just being there during this nightmare.
Look after yourself and live your life. X