Family and Friends Forum

Hi Upset,

Couldn't read and run. I don't think there has been a day since the knock that I haven't longed to go back to my peaceful, nothing but everything special life. The past few days have been hard for me, a lot of triggers as we've had the anniversary of sentencing and it's our daughters birthday soon. I want her birthday to be a happy time and obviously I will make it so for her. For me it brings back feelings of being petrified of seeing him and even though I wasn't alone I was without the person I wanted to share her birth with. I'm fighting a lot of anger at the moment and I know we need to start couples counselling in the near future for us to stand any real chance of rebuilding. Lots of love to you and all on this journey xxx

I know how you feel but in a slightly different way. Before the knock I wasn't really happy with my life, a lot of it my own fault, but still.

Ever since though I've wished desperately that I could go back to those times, as I now see how fortunate I was really.

Now it's like I'm being punished for not appreciating what I had. But I know it's not the case really. My person caused this.

Sending hugs.

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I remember just a couple of months before I found out about this whole thing (he didn't tell me until he was charged) I was running through the hills, thinking I'm the luckiest person alive - I had a wonderful boyfriend who lived in a beautiful location that I was due to move to shortly and we were going to be starting IVF in the hope to start a family. I wanted to shout from the hill tops and tell everyone how happy I was, how content I felt, I had such a spring in my step and loved life. I must have some kind of intuition because something stopped me - I thought this could all come tumbling down - And it did.

A liitlr bit of an insight as someone that had issues with porn and sex from a relatively young age.

On the face of my life I think I come across pretty normal. I had a very good childhood, loving and supportive parents. They both worked but invested in me and my siblings.

I've had so much counselling over the years to try and understand me. I've had my own issues with sex and porn, I lack confidence and self worth in many ways - Although, this might not be clear to others. As a result of sex and porn addiction, i've put myself in extreme and dangerous situations that my parents would be heart broken if they knew - I feel sad thinking about myself doing these things. It was only ever me that was put at risk of harm, no one else. It was a similar escalation process to how many people find themselves in the situation of there loved ones on here. The truth is no one things that led me down this path.

I think I was born perhaps slightly more intrigued by my body and exploring it - I never knew it was anything to be embarrassed about but in my early childhood it did bring shame to me and some confusing feelings. At some point in my late teens and early 20s when I had more freedom I was exposed to more and more extreme porn and started to use porn and sex to sooth and escape from uncomfortable feelings in life. I always said I could have gone to my parents and said I had a drug habit and I know they'd do everything they could to support me - But sex and porn. There was no way I'd talk to them about that.

I now understand the uncomfortable feelings I wanted to escape came from a variety of things - Some inheritant in me, some the way I perceived the world, interactions with family and even school life. A different person could have experienced all the same things as me and could have responded differently. Causes and roots to these problems are wide and varied and anything to do with sex is hard to talk to parents about but also hard to believe it's a genuine problem.

I always felt sex would be the thing that would put me at the biggest risk either to my life or cause me a huge amount of pain - I just didn't expect it to be this way.

Smile

I just had to post to say don't torture yourself about what you did and didn't do, lots of mums work long hours and bring work home and don't get to spend as much time with their family aa they would wish. Don't blame yourself. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your son either, if you look at all of the stories on this forum, what these men, young and old, had happen was they got sucked into something for a variety of reasons. There is no common factor to their personalities, or circumstances, it was something that just happened to them at a moment in time and they did not resist it.

Sal,

I have had similar thoughts about how my life had finally started going well and seemed too good to be true and then someone put a bomb under it. For me for awhile there was a karma feel to it, like I shouldn't expect /didn't deserve a good life.

But - in reality there were things about my life before the knock that were not so great, I can see that now, and there are things since the knock (although not because of it obvs lol) that are better, and also things I had been shoving under the carpet and not dealt with that I am now recognising and starting to deal with. It has been, and still is a painful process, but I am now saying Yes to things on my life that I know are to my benefit and also working on, and often succeeding in saying No to things I have tolerated in the past that are not good for me.

I guess I'm saying if anything good has come out of this experience, it has forced me to re evaluate my life and decide what I really want, and go for it. Even if this experience has placed more obstacles and hindrances in my way.

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Nothing wrong with drinking Upset as long as you drink in moderation and don't end up relying on it . I have a drink everyday....

Bitterbean something you've just said really hit home with me. Thinking this is all Karma and I dont deserve a good life. I've often found myself thinking that. I think a happy marriage was never on the cards for me. That God/Karma/the Universe thinks I shouldn't have a nice life. I shouldn't have a home or a marriage. Sometimes I actually feel embarrassed when I think that I had it all figured out finally. How happy I felt inside. Now I think of course nobody could really love me so the knock happened. I look at myself in the mirror with no makeup and hair just tied back and think of course my husband would be addicted to pornography and sexual chats with other women....of course...what was I expecting. Of course we'd drive to the prison every weekend instead of going out for a meal or a walk in the park because that's just too much to expect. Those nice things are for other people. I just look at other couples/families and think they couldn't handle the knock and the devastation that comes with it. I look at my sister and her husband and feel glad she didn't get a bomb go off in her little happy bubble. But feel like I deserve it for being happy for a while.

Oh Christmas Chaos, I feel exactly the same. The knock came on a Tuesday and on the Saturday before we had been for a walk where I just banged on about how I was living my dream life and I couldn't believe how happy and lucky I was.



it was all a lie, which I am most angry at myself for believing



sorry you feel this way too. It's total shit.



x

Christmas Chaos - What you said about feeling embarrassed for thinking you had it all figures out struck a cord with me. It's how I've been feeling. I don't trust myself anymore. It's completely knocked my confidence.

In fact, so much of what you said struck a cord - The traveling to prison on Sunday whilst others are at home with their family, building there life.

None of ask did anything to be here. It hits us so hard and changed our life so much.

Can really understand where you're coming from with this, today would have been our anniversary, 3 years since we got together, and we have only been married just over 6 months. Up until a few weeks back my life was better than it had ever been, couple of abusive relationships, mentally and financially, and my person picked me up from rock bottom and made me feel that I was worth so much more. He spoils me, treats me like a princess, arranges weekends away and buys me flowers every week, then the knock came and I don't want to believe that this is the same man. I know this is probably going to sound daft, but I have seen so much good in him that the bad shouldn't define him as a person. At the minute I want to stand by him, support him through this, but my biggest fear is that I won't cope without him. I have medical issues, and I genuinely will struggle. But I know that's a long way off.

Everyone saw us as the perfect couple, always loving and laughing, we had everything going for us. This is hell and I admire everyone I've spoke to on here for the way they are handling it all. So glad I reached out when I was advised to. Xx

I too was in a abusive marriage b4 I met my person. For 5 years I can honestly say I was so happy but deep down inside there was a lot going on. Thir knock forced me to have therapy. The way I look at it now is I was lucky to have those 5vywars. Some people never get what we had in a lifetime so although I'm completely traumatised by the knock and everything that comes with it, I still love my person, even though we are not together anymore. Oh sure, it wasn't the future I was thinking (we were due to get married both second Marriages but obviously it was cancelled) i learnt a lot about me and there were things he never spoke to me about t I which he ipend up to me later. I'm always ys greatful for the small things I. Life. He's probably gonna be a better person too after this. He's do much more open and I wish him well.

Christmas Chaos - I feel the same as you when I look in the mirror and generally about myself. I blame myself a lot for what my person did. After all, he's got to put up with me day in day out, looking as I do and with anxiety and depression all our relationship. It's not a surprise he took to looking at porn....

If your person is addicted it's about them, not about you! An alcoholic doesn't drink themselves to death because they like the taste of vodka but because they are an addict and can't handle the rest of their life. If they are a porn addict, it's really not your fault!

Christmas Chaos,

I know what you mean, I also find myself slipping into thinking, of course this happened to me, I don't deserve any better.

But this is not true, the truth is that bad things happen to everyone, there are very few people who get through life without some kind of trauma. I can't think of many people for example who don't experience bereavement, and many people suffer multiple traumas. For example, all those poor people who have lost their homes and/or loved ones in Ukraine. People who lose a child. People who get a terminal illness. None of us deserve it, but it's just how life is, it occasionally throws out unpleasant experiences indiscriminately, and we're some of the ones who got hit, and we just have to get on with life despite it.

We all just have to get through it somehow, some of us need more help and support to do this than others, but there's no wrong in that. We all need support. And none of us is alone in our suffering. There are so many people in the UK going through this particular crime at the moment that I often reflect that many of us probably know someone else personally who is going through this, we just don't know exactly who because they haven't shared it with us yet...

A little senario I once read, about people's lives:

if everyone had a balloon holding their worries and threw them up in the air., unsure of what horrors the other balloons hold you'd scramble to get yours back.

Now my life has changed I sometimes wonder about that. I'm sure a person would certainly dip and dive to avoid catching my worry balloon if they knew what was inside.

BUT as you say Bitterbean you really don't know what goes on in a life/how it can change so dramatically. The desperation that people suffer and hide every single day.

Self talk can be empowering or completely destructive. It's vital to remind ourselves that this is not our fault. Following the knock I did the same. I questioned everything about myself, was I no longer attractive, did I not give him enough attention, did I spend too much time supporting our daughter, was it because our physical relationship had changed since the early menopause. I tried to excuse what he'd done. It was his ptsd, his stress, he was entrapped by the police. I blamed myself and tried to excuse him.

The month since his custodial sentence began has given me much time to reflect and I have started to look at things differently.

We have been together for 20 years and married for nearly 17. We have been through seriously challenging life events and changes but always got through them together. We are the other half of each other, as cheesy as that may sound. We still are. But I didn't cause this. He did. This isn't anything to do with me or our marriage this is about him making a stupid choice when he should have known better. He's acted irresponsibly without considering his family or the consequences.

This is them not us or anything we have or haven't done. Remember that when the mind worms start to burrow.

Strength and love x

Life feels over this is like looking in a mirror! We've been together and married for similar amounts of time. I've also been trying to justify why he did what he did, I think because I feel like it reflects badly on me. How did I not know that he was doing this? What else don't I know (there was stuff that came out at sentencing that he hadn't told me)? (We're no longer together, so I'm not going to torture myself with that one, I've accepted I probably don't know everything, and I don't feel the need to know everything now.)

And I think you're correct that it comes down to this: this is about him making a stupid choice when he should have known better. He's acted irresponsibly without considering his family or the consequences. And this is why I can't forgive him. We had a comfortable future ahead of us and for the kids, and he's thrown that all away.

A couple of people upthread said they felt it was like their comeuppance for feeling happy with life and that's sort of how I feel, like we were too smug, things were going too well. We've been through a lot together, it felt like things were more settled, then BAM.

Smile

You are so right, despite everything I would not swap my balloon for anyone else's because you never know what might be in there!

Life feels over

Good advice and I guess the bottom line is that while none of us has full control over what happens to us, we are all responsible for what we we do. Whether that's what we get up to on the Internet, whether or not we choose to stay or leave, and how we decide to live our lives.