Children of offenders: explaining no contact
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Hi ladies,
I hope you are well.
Can anyone recommend any books or age appropriate explanations as to why daddy is not going to be returning home?
My eldest is 4 years old. I need to be explaining something with a conclusion and a small detail so he doesn't think it's his fault.
Background for those who are not aware: now ex partner - under investigation, has a history of infidelity in previous relationships, I knew nothing about, does not view what he's done as wrong, will not work on his rehabilitation, is already trying to meet other women locally.
He will not be having any contact with the children.
My 4 year old barely asks. In the beginning I said daddy was 'working away'. He asked me yesterday if daddy will be home by summer - I said daddy no longer lives with us (4 year old always usually now states he just lives with his mummy and younger brother and never mentions daddy), we will not be seeing him again, we have done nothing wrong and it's not our fault. He has so many people who love and care for him (listed names) and mummy loves him so so so much. He cried, told me I was wrong. I repeated it twice. He then said 'let's play cars'. When we were cooking later in the eve, he said 'Daddy isn't with us anymore.' I said 'No he's not but we have your baby brother now don't we, we can all have so much fun together and do lots of stuff. Then I kept saying how much I love them him. He smiled, accepted it and changed the topic.
I don't want him to resent me. I don't want to give him the idea that daddy will be back and for him to hold on to faulse hope. I hope I've done the right thing.
Xx
I hope you are well.
Can anyone recommend any books or age appropriate explanations as to why daddy is not going to be returning home?
My eldest is 4 years old. I need to be explaining something with a conclusion and a small detail so he doesn't think it's his fault.
Background for those who are not aware: now ex partner - under investigation, has a history of infidelity in previous relationships, I knew nothing about, does not view what he's done as wrong, will not work on his rehabilitation, is already trying to meet other women locally.
He will not be having any contact with the children.
My 4 year old barely asks. In the beginning I said daddy was 'working away'. He asked me yesterday if daddy will be home by summer - I said daddy no longer lives with us (4 year old always usually now states he just lives with his mummy and younger brother and never mentions daddy), we will not be seeing him again, we have done nothing wrong and it's not our fault. He has so many people who love and care for him (listed names) and mummy loves him so so so much. He cried, told me I was wrong. I repeated it twice. He then said 'let's play cars'. When we were cooking later in the eve, he said 'Daddy isn't with us anymore.' I said 'No he's not but we have your baby brother now don't we, we can all have so much fun together and do lots of stuff. Then I kept saying how much I love them him. He smiled, accepted it and changed the topic.
I don't want him to resent me. I don't want to give him the idea that daddy will be back and for him to hold on to faulse hope. I hope I've done the right thing.
Xx
You have. You couldn't have out it any better. You sound like a great mum. And I know by sounds of your post you're strong. There's a charity called children seen and heard that may be able to help if you've more questions. My children are older so I hvnt used them myself, but others have said they are very good. You and your kids will be OK xx
My person has been recommended to create a book that is personal to you as a family. It can then be edited as they get older to make it age appropriate.
If SS are involved you could ask them to review it for a second opinion?
Also recommend adding pics of their dad and some info about their dad- it can help kids with a sense of identity later on. As your child is young they are likely going to forget quite alot about him.
Thank you for taking the time to think how to disclose to your child, unfortunately my person's ex wife didn't handle it well and the kids thought he had died .. as SS are back involved (family court case), I can't imagine the confusion the kids are having that they are being told he is alive. Hence this book suggestion we got- I would hate to think his kids blame themselves. But it is true, and backed by SS comments on the situation, that kids can be egotistical - if they can't make sense of something they can look to themselves.
If SS are involved you could ask them to review it for a second opinion?
Also recommend adding pics of their dad and some info about their dad- it can help kids with a sense of identity later on. As your child is young they are likely going to forget quite alot about him.
Thank you for taking the time to think how to disclose to your child, unfortunately my person's ex wife didn't handle it well and the kids thought he had died .. as SS are back involved (family court case), I can't imagine the confusion the kids are having that they are being told he is alive. Hence this book suggestion we got- I would hate to think his kids blame themselves. But it is true, and backed by SS comments on the situation, that kids can be egotistical - if they can't make sense of something they can look to themselves.
Well done Denzel. I think you've handled it well. There's no right or wrong. Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for.
You've told the truth without going into details, stuck to the facts that dad isn't coming home, in an age appropriate way.
As they get older more questions will come so just being prepared for them will help x
You've told the truth without going into details, stuck to the facts that dad isn't coming home, in an age appropriate way.
As they get older more questions will come so just being prepared for them will help x
Thank you <3 xx