Wave of anger
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Morning all, I don't know what I expect to get out of this post, but I needed to get some thoughts down. I've just had an overwhelming wave of anger this morning. I'm still living with my partner (for now), as I've said I'm not making any decisions on our future until the investigation is complete (as me leaving would stop any potential relationship he has with his children, and I don't feel that's fair on them at this point). However, each and every day is a struggle as he goes to a very dark place once I leave for work. He knows he's ruined things and that the situation we're in is because of his actions and he feels deeply remorseful, but I spend my day getting message after message about how he doesn't know how much more he can take of the waiting, how he wants to give up etc etc. I can't in all good conscience not acknowledge them, but I just feel so angry this morning. How dare he talk about giving up when I am having to battle through this every day? I'm not staying on the scene for my own convenience or ease - it's bloody hard work! I just feel this morning like how dare he talk about how hard this is for HIM??
Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get that out!
Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get that out!
Hi there, I can empathise with you. I guess we used to be each other's best friends. We used to rely on each other for emotional support and he still wants that but due to the betrayal I just cannot be there emotionally.
Has your partner made contact with sex addicts anonymous? I know my husband gets a lot of support from them. He has a sponsor and has to talk to 2 other people each day. It might take some heat off you.
Has your partner made contact with sex addicts anonymous? I know my husband gets a lot of support from them. He has a sponsor and has to talk to 2 other people each day. It might take some heat off you.
He hasn't made contact with anyone but I'll look into Sex Addicts Anonymous. You articulated it exactly - we're (or we were) each other's best friends. He's not told anyone else about the situation, so I'm in the hot seat. I get the fear, the anger, everything. I can see him beating himself up over what he's putting me through, but I also see the self pity and it just frustrates me. We're here because of his decisions, not mine, but I'm often left being the one trying to comfort him!
Hi Jayne. I recognise a lot of this. You're not alone. What is it your partner is supposed to have done?
Hi Christina, he was arrested 10 weeks ago under suspicion of "attempting to meet an under 16 following grooming". He'd been in conversation with a 15 year old girl. At no point was the conversation sexual, nor did he try to meet her (her statement confirms the exact same), but it obviously raised concern. However, after seizing his devices, they've since arrested him for a further allegation - sexual communication with a child. He's got sexual messages on his devices, where he was actually playing both parts of the conversation, and was then posting them on roleplay sites. (I can't get my OWN head around this, so how anyone else could, I don't know). Even in the sexual messages, there's no mention of age/children, but the username he selected had "a likeness" to his daughter's name, so the police needed to interview her (which was heartbreaking), to rule out the idea that it could be her he was in conversation with. The whole thing is such a mess, and I just get these waves of thinking if he'd just watched TV or read a book when he was bored, like a "normal" person, we wouldn't be in this mess!
Hi Jayne
The anger is completely normal, don't worry. The range of emotions you will go through are unbelievable but you will get through it.
Of course you're angry, this is all his doing and stupidity and now he's wanting you to prop him up, you're going to feel sorry for him, angry with him even hate him. He's ruined your lives with his behaviour. I would suggest he does try and get someone he can lean on, not only do you're not taking all his problems but actually someone not directly involved won't have the emotional responses and may actually help him.
This whole progress is awful, from the subject matter to the length of time it takes. It does get easier but then sometimes you're thrown back to square one again.
You're doing amazingly well, keep going and remember to take some time just for you in all this madness
Xx
The anger is completely normal, don't worry. The range of emotions you will go through are unbelievable but you will get through it.
Of course you're angry, this is all his doing and stupidity and now he's wanting you to prop him up, you're going to feel sorry for him, angry with him even hate him. He's ruined your lives with his behaviour. I would suggest he does try and get someone he can lean on, not only do you're not taking all his problems but actually someone not directly involved won't have the emotional responses and may actually help him.
This whole progress is awful, from the subject matter to the length of time it takes. It does get easier but then sometimes you're thrown back to square one again.
You're doing amazingly well, keep going and remember to take some time just for you in all this madness
Xx
Hi Jayne,
If the child isn't real, and the other real girl had nothing sexual to it, what are they looking to charge him under?? What law are they saying he's broken?? Has solicitor indicated anything?
If no pictures, no grooming, and no plans or encouragement to do anything for real, then what are the police saying in terms of criminality?? Wondering if they're going, or trying to go down, same route as they are with us, with Obscene Publications Act. By the way the last successful prosecution under that was in 2012 and the guy had lots of pictures as well (although that element was dropped by time he was convicted). He had also served a sentence before for being part of a notorious pedophile gang.
If its just chat as he says, I'm really interested in what the police are saying he's done, as it sounds similar to our situation.
If the child isn't real, and the other real girl had nothing sexual to it, what are they looking to charge him under?? What law are they saying he's broken?? Has solicitor indicated anything?
If no pictures, no grooming, and no plans or encouragement to do anything for real, then what are the police saying in terms of criminality?? Wondering if they're going, or trying to go down, same route as they are with us, with Obscene Publications Act. By the way the last successful prosecution under that was in 2012 and the guy had lots of pictures as well (although that element was dropped by time he was convicted). He had also served a sentence before for being part of a notorious pedophile gang.
If its just chat as he says, I'm really interested in what the police are saying he's done, as it sounds similar to our situation.
Christina, you've no idea how reassuring it is to hear that someone is in a similar situation to me.
He still hasn't been charged with anything. The solicitor doesn't think the first allegation will go anywhere due to the girl's statement and the content of the messages not being sexual.
The second allegation ONLY came about because the fake username he set up had a near enough likeness to his daughter's name (though it wasn't her name, and he said he only selected what he did because it was easy to remember). He asked the police (off the record) whether he'd have been arrested if he'd selected any other username and they said probably not... BUT because he was arrested for it, they need to investigate it.
Being in a conversation with himself, whilst totally weird, isn't illegal, so they just need to prove that he was talking to himself. (And I need to get him to explore the "why" with a therapist).
How is your husband holding up, Christina?
He still hasn't been charged with anything. The solicitor doesn't think the first allegation will go anywhere due to the girl's statement and the content of the messages not being sexual.
The second allegation ONLY came about because the fake username he set up had a near enough likeness to his daughter's name (though it wasn't her name, and he said he only selected what he did because it was easy to remember). He asked the police (off the record) whether he'd have been arrested if he'd selected any other username and they said probably not... BUT because he was arrested for it, they need to investigate it.
Being in a conversation with himself, whilst totally weird, isn't illegal, so they just need to prove that he was talking to himself. (And I need to get him to explore the "why" with a therapist).
How is your husband holding up, Christina?
Not great. His job involves young people and it was his life, so the suspension is hitting him hard. We are almost 4 months in now. Initially he was suicidal, anxious, convincing himself he was a monster etc. That made it harder to get the basic facts. He's calmed a lot now but I'm not sure he can hold out much longer. I'm scared about what that means. I think I believe him with what hes told me. He says he'd just pretend to be a character to make up stories. He said there are no images. He likened it to a married couple roleplaying as a teacher and student or something - that its something you might explore in fantasy but the real life situation would be horrific. I get this. I've had fantasies of being someones slave, even being forced. Fantasies are part of life. But his wen too far. He says that he would never want to communicate with an actual underage girl. He said that would feel real, and horrible, whereas he just liked indulging the disconnected fantasy. When he explains it like that I get it, I do. But then 5 minutes later I remember the investigation and I spiral again with anger, confusion etc.
I'm hoping that police don't pursue, but I have no idea of figures of how many of these investigations get dropped. Partner says about half of investigations don't result in anything, but I don't know who has told him that.
How far are you in Jayne??
I'm hoping that police don't pursue, but I have no idea of figures of how many of these investigations get dropped. Partner says about half of investigations don't result in anything, but I don't know who has told him that.
How far are you in Jayne??
I'm 10 weeks in tomorrow. His initial 4 week bail was extended to 12 weeks, so any longer will need to go to the magistrates court to be approved. So, in 2 weeks time we'll either have a decision to charge or not, or we'll be extended to six months bail. It just feels neverending.
Today has been a really rough day. My partner has been really, really low today, hence me starting this thread, but I've been informed tonight that social services are stopping overnight stays for the children, as they have said that I can't supervise if I'm asleep, which I understand, but for the past 9 weeks it's been sufficient and they've just changed their minds. I'm now going to have to break this to my partners after he's had a really low day and I don't even know how to start.
Today has been a really rough day. My partner has been really, really low today, hence me starting this thread, but I've been informed tonight that social services are stopping overnight stays for the children, as they have said that I can't supervise if I'm asleep, which I understand, but for the past 9 weeks it's been sufficient and they've just changed their minds. I'm now going to have to break this to my partners after he's had a really low day and I don't even know how to start.
I'd start by saying that you know its not fair, and social services are clearly not working from a logical standpoint, but that you both need to jump through the hoops and tick their boxes at the moment. Don't load it with judgement. I guess he will want to take it as if you and they thinknhes going to do some thing to the kids, so I'd be upfront with saying you don't believe that, if you feel comfortable doing that.
So he was arrested? My partner wasn't. Sounds like things are moving pretty quick for you guys though. Roughly where in country are you? Which police force??
Yes, he's been arrested twice for two separate "offences", though his solicitor doesn't think the first one has enough to it to go anywhere and the second one we're waiting for them to investigate. I think I'll contact the police tomorrow to see if they have any indication as to what is likely to happen in the next couple of weeks.
I need to break the news to him, and I'm dreading it. None of his actions were ever carried out with an intention to hurt anyone and it's killing him. It's just extra painful because they were happy with overnight stays until today.
We're in the North - the investigation(s) is being dealt with by West Yorkshire Police, so I'm surprised at how quickly it's progressed thus far.
I need to break the news to him, and I'm dreading it. None of his actions were ever carried out with an intention to hurt anyone and it's killing him. It's just extra painful because they were happy with overnight stays until today.
We're in the North - the investigation(s) is being dealt with by West Yorkshire Police, so I'm surprised at how quickly it's progressed thus far.
We've had nothing in 4 months. It feels awful. But I try to calm myself by thinking that if they'd found anything bad, they'd have restricted access to his nieces.
Also, I find it so odd they didn't take control of his email or social media. They didn't even ask for passwords. Did they do this wit you?
Also, I find it so odd they didn't take control of his email or social media. They didn't even ask for passwords. Did they do this wit you?