How to deal with the public eye
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My dad went to court almost 2 months ago and unfortunately it is now out in the papers and online. You get no preparation or help for how to deal with this kind of situation. A few of my friends have mentioned to me that they have seen his name in the papers/online and I don’t know how many other people have seen it as well as I have deactivated all my social media accounts. My mum struggles severely with anxiety and depression so I didn’t want to worry her by telling her it’s out so she is unable to go by her day to day life but at the same time I am so worried someone is going to go up to her at work. Fortunately we are still a secure family however this was made easier when nothing was out in the open. We was alone as a family to deal with it however now people’s judgements and opinions are going to be upon us. I just guess has anyone been through this situation and how did they manage it? I have been hiding in bed all week and have been signed off work (having to pretend to my mum I’m just down in general) but I am petrified she is going to find out soon.
It's been 2.5 years since my husband was in the local paper. Thankfully not many people knew our new address but I was still scared to do the school run. My mom forced me to go out and face people. I felt like I was in a bubble and everyone was staring at me and knew what had gone on. But in the end it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I don't have many close friends and apart from close family, only my best friend knows. You will become stronger than you ever thought you would be through this awful journey. I am almost at the end of my journey and if I can get through it, you can.
Hi Lottie
Thank you for your response, since then it’s been really horrible as it has reached social media and they are saying things like my dad deserves to be dead, hung and locked up and to keep their kids away! (He wouldn’t dare harm a kid and he knows what a huge mistake he has made, he will never forgive himself) I am unable to move due to our family having little money so we can’t even get away from the area and everyone knows our address whereas 9/10 people on this forum have been able to move away which worries me because I can’t relate :( I am so so scared for more and more people to find out and I am just feeling anxious 24/7 and can never be at ease.
How do you know when you’re coming to an end? Every time there is people walking pass my house I think they’re going to say/do something I am paranoid all the time!
Im so glad to hear you’re being strong it gives me hope for the future because I don’t feel that way at all right now I feel so vulnerable xx
Thank you for your response, since then it’s been really horrible as it has reached social media and they are saying things like my dad deserves to be dead, hung and locked up and to keep their kids away! (He wouldn’t dare harm a kid and he knows what a huge mistake he has made, he will never forgive himself) I am unable to move due to our family having little money so we can’t even get away from the area and everyone knows our address whereas 9/10 people on this forum have been able to move away which worries me because I can’t relate :( I am so so scared for more and more people to find out and I am just feeling anxious 24/7 and can never be at ease.
How do you know when you’re coming to an end? Every time there is people walking pass my house I think they’re going to say/do something I am paranoid all the time!
Im so glad to hear you’re being strong it gives me hope for the future because I don’t feel that way at all right now I feel so vulnerable xx
This is what I am struggling most with, what I am going to do when it gets out to the media. I had my first Knock 13 months ago. Had a couple since, bringing bits back, bringing letters and last night bringing a letter with his court date. Previously they had been unmarked vans with plain clothes police. Last night they came in a big ostentatious police van, two uniforms knocking at the door. First they turned around in next doors drive - we live in a tiny hamlet so everyone would have been talking, we were when we thought they were headed next door. For months last year I felt like a prisoner in my own home, jumping every time a car drove down or there was a knock at the door or a phone call. I had cleared my mind of it for the last 7 or 8 months, put it down to a mistake with the internet service and now it’s all back. Now he’s up in court everyone will know in 6 weeks. I live in a rural community so there’s no doubt it will get out. Part of me feels so angry that this has robbed me of my life, part of me just wants to run away and pretend it never happened far far away from him. I could carry on my life just move close by and cut contact but everyone will know now and I feel so ashamed though I’ve never committed a crime in my life! I’m looking at leaving work in the next 6 weeks and starting a whole new life because I cannot deal with what is coming in the next couple of months.
Hi Cally
i complete understand I also live in the country so everyone basically knows everyone! It’s easier to give advice rather than take your own but this was NOT your mistake and I can completely agree the only option feels to run and hide but the truth is, it will be forgotten and then one day it’ll just be another story everyone is talking about. I think that’s absolutely horrible that they came in police car and uniform, unfortunately they don’t care about the families etc. You will be okay, I am taking it day by day, it’s really hard and my heart feels like it’s going to burst out my chest every day but one day we will all be able to say we got through the hard time. Head up because none of this is a reflection on you, you’ll honestly be surprised with the support (if they truly are your friend/family)
Remember we’re all here for you on this forum.
Evie xxx
i complete understand I also live in the country so everyone basically knows everyone! It’s easier to give advice rather than take your own but this was NOT your mistake and I can completely agree the only option feels to run and hide but the truth is, it will be forgotten and then one day it’ll just be another story everyone is talking about. I think that’s absolutely horrible that they came in police car and uniform, unfortunately they don’t care about the families etc. You will be okay, I am taking it day by day, it’s really hard and my heart feels like it’s going to burst out my chest every day but one day we will all be able to say we got through the hard time. Head up because none of this is a reflection on you, you’ll honestly be surprised with the support (if they truly are your friend/family)
Remember we’re all here for you on this forum.
Evie xxx
Oh cally - you must feel dreadful. I had no idea the police would bring round letters with court dates? I thought the court system was separate and you would get something in the post. My police force haven’t dropped anything off to us - any devices we have had returned we got a letter and had to pick the up from a separate place.
Hi
I am new to this forum and reading the posts has really given me a feeling of support.
My partner was arrested a year ago by a vigilante group, far away from where we live, he told me he was away on business. He was arrested and I had the knock about midnight that night and the police took our devices. We have a son aged 12 years old, who luckily never woke up when the police were here! He was not charged just released under investigation with no conditions at all. We have heard nothing from the police in a year! Is this usual to take so long?
My partner has assured me there are no pictures on the devices at all, he was just in a chat room and got on a very bad path!
I feel these vigilante groups entice people in, I’m not defending him at all but they way they operate is terrible, luckily he wasn’t live streamed, I am so surprised it is allowed to carry on, it is a form of bullying!
I told a very good friend what happened that night and she completely disowned me! I have never heard from her since! I told my family and 2 other friends and no one else.
My son knows nothing about this. We are still together as a family, as my partner is such a brilliant dad, I cannot separate my son from him, so I totally understand why people stay with their husbands after this has happened.
I am really struggling tho with the possible media coverage if he is charged! Mainly for our son. He has a very good group of friends who live in our neighbourhood.
I too wish there was a group set up to meet in person.
In the meantime we are just getting on with our lives, tho it is hard some days!
Thanks
Mabel x
I am new to this forum and reading the posts has really given me a feeling of support.
My partner was arrested a year ago by a vigilante group, far away from where we live, he told me he was away on business. He was arrested and I had the knock about midnight that night and the police took our devices. We have a son aged 12 years old, who luckily never woke up when the police were here! He was not charged just released under investigation with no conditions at all. We have heard nothing from the police in a year! Is this usual to take so long?
My partner has assured me there are no pictures on the devices at all, he was just in a chat room and got on a very bad path!
I feel these vigilante groups entice people in, I’m not defending him at all but they way they operate is terrible, luckily he wasn’t live streamed, I am so surprised it is allowed to carry on, it is a form of bullying!
I told a very good friend what happened that night and she completely disowned me! I have never heard from her since! I told my family and 2 other friends and no one else.
My son knows nothing about this. We are still together as a family, as my partner is such a brilliant dad, I cannot separate my son from him, so I totally understand why people stay with their husbands after this has happened.
I am really struggling tho with the possible media coverage if he is charged! Mainly for our son. He has a very good group of friends who live in our neighbourhood.
I too wish there was a group set up to meet in person.
In the meantime we are just getting on with our lives, tho it is hard some days!
Thanks
Mabel x
Hi Lee
oh no that is awful! Did you get any backlash from people coming to your house?
The solicitor is in touch with the police and apparently the last time he spoke to them about a month ago the police said they haven’t even looked at his case yet!
Was your husband chatting to the decoy? Hadn’t arranged to meet them?
Did you meet someone in a similar situation then? If so how did you meet them?
Sorry for lots of questions!
mabel x
oh no that is awful! Did you get any backlash from people coming to your house?
The solicitor is in touch with the police and apparently the last time he spoke to them about a month ago the police said they haven’t even looked at his case yet!
Was your husband chatting to the decoy? Hadn’t arranged to meet them?
Did you meet someone in a similar situation then? If so how did you meet them?
Sorry for lots of questions!
mabel x
Hi again Lee, yes I believe my husband as well. Does your husband have any case then?..surely he hasn’t done anything wrong?
Yes I wish I could meet a friend in the same situation, you really feel so isolated! Ido t know if the friend I confided in has told anyone, I told her not to tell but I’ve a feeling she has, but I’ll never know I guess!
is your husband released under investigation?
Mabel xx
Yes I wish I could meet a friend in the same situation, you really feel so isolated! Ido t know if the friend I confided in has told anyone, I told her not to tell but I’ve a feeling she has, but I’ll never know I guess!
is your husband released under investigation?
Mabel xx
Hi again lee, yes my partner has a porn addiction as well. He is going to 2 separate therapy sessions and has been since it happened, I think it is helping him. Our solicitor has said to just wait for the police investigation and he isn’t contacting them, which is a bit frustrating as I would like to have some insight as to where they are with it. I am so worried about our son tho and it coming out.. and the effect on him. Social services have closed our case thank god, that was horrible and the social worker was a very hard faced woman!
Mabel x
Mabel x
Hi Lee
yes totally agree with you about your feelings for your husband, I too feel exactly the same. He is a good person who has done a bad thing. We will look at the website thank you.
Does your husband have any conditions? My partner was released under investigation with no conditions.
Yes they seized our devices, tho he assures me there is nothing on them ,, it was all done from his mobile phone.
Do the police have your devices?
Mabel,x
yes totally agree with you about your feelings for your husband, I too feel exactly the same. He is a good person who has done a bad thing. We will look at the website thank you.
Does your husband have any conditions? My partner was released under investigation with no conditions.
Yes they seized our devices, tho he assures me there is nothing on them ,, it was all done from his mobile phone.
Do the police have your devices?
Mabel,x
Hi Lee
oh that is good you and your husband can talk and it helps him. It must be so difficult to have this addiction, it totally takes over your life!
yes it is a year ago this month the police arrested him and the police took out devices that same day.
He is carrying on with work, thank goodness! they don’t know anything of what happened. He works in an office and as he is released under investigation with no conditions he is free to carry on with his life as if nothing has happened really, except of course not doing anything illegal!
no we don’t really talk about it to be honest. We did when it first happened but as time has gone on we don’t anymore, we have to be careful not to mention anything in front of our son.
What kind of updates do you get from the police? I just wondered as I have no idea how the police work except that I know they are very busy and understaffed it appears.
Mabel x
oh that is good you and your husband can talk and it helps him. It must be so difficult to have this addiction, it totally takes over your life!
yes it is a year ago this month the police arrested him and the police took out devices that same day.
He is carrying on with work, thank goodness! they don’t know anything of what happened. He works in an office and as he is released under investigation with no conditions he is free to carry on with his life as if nothing has happened really, except of course not doing anything illegal!
no we don’t really talk about it to be honest. We did when it first happened but as time has gone on we don’t anymore, we have to be careful not to mention anything in front of our son.
What kind of updates do you get from the police? I just wondered as I have no idea how the police work except that I know they are very busy and understaffed it appears.
Mabel x
Hi again lee
I wish we could get more information about the police investigation, but our solicitor has said to just leave it alone, don’t ask them anything, keep quiet basically! So we have been doing this and maybe that’s why it’s a year on with knowing nothing! That’s really good the investigating officer came to see you.
i haven’t had any support really, just a couple of friends I have told who have stuck by us. We are lucky in a way that my partner has been able to keep working, but I don’t know what will happen if it goes to court, I’d doubt he will be able to carry on at his current company.
Thanks for always replying to me.
Mabel x
I wish we could get more information about the police investigation, but our solicitor has said to just leave it alone, don’t ask them anything, keep quiet basically! So we have been doing this and maybe that’s why it’s a year on with knowing nothing! That’s really good the investigating officer came to see you.
i haven’t had any support really, just a couple of friends I have told who have stuck by us. We are lucky in a way that my partner has been able to keep working, but I don’t know what will happen if it goes to court, I’d doubt he will be able to carry on at his current company.
Thanks for always replying to me.
Mabel x
Hi lee,
oh I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day, it is sooo hard sometimes to deal with.
But yes you are absolutely right to do what you feel is the best for your family, it’s nobody else’s business & it’s your life! Other people don’t know what your husband is really like, they only see what has happened.
Try to keep your chin up, no one on this forum deserves what has happened to them, we are just trying to carry on with our lives & keep our families together. It makes my blood boil when people are soooomjudgemental and they have no idea about our daily battles & struggles!
really really hope tomorrow is a better day for you
Mabel x
oh I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day, it is sooo hard sometimes to deal with.
But yes you are absolutely right to do what you feel is the best for your family, it’s nobody else’s business & it’s your life! Other people don’t know what your husband is really like, they only see what has happened.
Try to keep your chin up, no one on this forum deserves what has happened to them, we are just trying to carry on with our lives & keep our families together. It makes my blood boil when people are soooomjudgemental and they have no idea about our daily battles & struggles!
really really hope tomorrow is a better day for you
Mabel x