Families not considered victims by police
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Has any one else had the experience of their partner not coming clean about their offences, and the police not telling them anything? My experience was that my husband told me a little bit about his offences but then clammed up. He went to live with his mother at the other end of the country when he was caught as our children were under 18. We waited for 2 years for his case to come to caught and to find out what he had done. However, he didn't tell us the date of his crown court appearance and tried to cover things up and claimed he had accidentally downloaded the (several thousand) images. The police told me next to nothing, because our children wanted no contact with him and so weren't considered at risk - and we have no legal right to know as we are not considered victims in law. However, the fact of not knowing exactly what went on in our home, and have no legal rights to know, has, if anything been even more damaging than the shock of finding out what he did - it's made it very hard for us to process everything. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
The police told me that as we had children together that they could tell me more than what they could usually. However I only found out the true extent of what he did by being at sentencing and it was worse than what the police had told me. It seems wrong that our husbands have a right to privacy when these crimes were most likely committed in our home (though my husband's wasn't). Even when his offender manager has contacted me I have to say what I know, rather than her saying anything as it breaches data protection. She's happy for me to ask questions but can only tell me certain things without asking his consent first.
The only thing I can suggest is trying counselling for you all to come to terms with it.
The only thing I can suggest is trying counselling for you all to come to terms with it.
Thank you Lou,
It's interesting that the police where you are were able to tell you more because you had children together. I was told absolutely nothing by the police, which meant I had to make decisions about our daughters' emotional safety with very little to go on. We were also put at risk as my husband did not tell us the date of his court appearance.
We have, of course, been in therapy. However, I don't feel the fact of wives and partners having no legal rights, even when there are children involved, is something that I can, or should, come to terms with. The law needs to be changed.
Rachel
It's interesting that the police where you are were able to tell you more because you had children together. I was told absolutely nothing by the police, which meant I had to make decisions about our daughters' emotional safety with very little to go on. We were also put at risk as my husband did not tell us the date of his court appearance.
We have, of course, been in therapy. However, I don't feel the fact of wives and partners having no legal rights, even when there are children involved, is something that I can, or should, come to terms with. The law needs to be changed.
Rachel
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Hello,
In our case it was my stepson, who had written obscene fantasies about my daughter (his half-sister). 16 months from knock to court. 11 charges in total, just under 800 images across all cats, extreme and prohibited images, plus indecent chat about my daughter, alongside which he posted treasured family photos of her.
Anyway, following court (which I attended), I am struggling to find any closure. This is now my 5th week off work as a result, with possible PTSD. I have been advised by the mental health crisis team that I am legally entitled to see paperwork pertaining to this case. I would like to see copies of the PSR and SHPO - I don't know any of the restrictions imposed and need to see in black and white what he has done. I've contacted victim support (no help), officer in charge of the case, and the info access team - all to no avail. I feel like I'm chasing my tail as I am not seen as a victim, despite the amount of anguish and hurt this has caused me. Husband will not ask for these from his son as he feels I'm being unreasonable asking for them.
I understand completely how you feel. This is a horrific journey that none of us want to be on.
Always here xx
In our case it was my stepson, who had written obscene fantasies about my daughter (his half-sister). 16 months from knock to court. 11 charges in total, just under 800 images across all cats, extreme and prohibited images, plus indecent chat about my daughter, alongside which he posted treasured family photos of her.
Anyway, following court (which I attended), I am struggling to find any closure. This is now my 5th week off work as a result, with possible PTSD. I have been advised by the mental health crisis team that I am legally entitled to see paperwork pertaining to this case. I would like to see copies of the PSR and SHPO - I don't know any of the restrictions imposed and need to see in black and white what he has done. I've contacted victim support (no help), officer in charge of the case, and the info access team - all to no avail. I feel like I'm chasing my tail as I am not seen as a victim, despite the amount of anguish and hurt this has caused me. Husband will not ask for these from his son as he feels I'm being unreasonable asking for them.
I understand completely how you feel. This is a horrific journey that none of us want to be on.
Always here xx
You are not at all being unreasonable! How old is your child? Perhaps you could speak with childrens services does your daughter know? Perhaps there is additional support she needs.
my person was convicted 2months ago and signed the Register and stated he spends >12 hours here with children no one has contacted me to advise me of this. He tells me what I think is everything but who knows until some one official does but everyone says GDPR but childrens safeguarding trumps this so they maybe able to advise you more
We're you at sentancing where they discussed the SHPO etc? Perhaps you could order the transcript of the court it can be expensive though
my person was convicted 2months ago and signed the Register and stated he spends >12 hours here with children no one has contacted me to advise me of this. He tells me what I think is everything but who knows until some one official does but everyone says GDPR but childrens safeguarding trumps this so they maybe able to advise you more
We're you at sentancing where they discussed the SHPO etc? Perhaps you could order the transcript of the court it can be expensive though
Thank you - I often find myself doubting my own sanity.
CS were involved - CP investigation, they met with my daughter twice and were certain that no physical abuse had taken place and that she was safe so signed us off. No contact from them since.
I didn't hear any specifics at court, other than the charges that did not relate to my daughter, just the volume and categories. Every charge carried a custodial sentence, but because of the pre-sentence report, he chose to suspend it. This is why I need to see the report - it might alleviate my worst fears, and also explain the judge's decision. I think, had I been told, then I would've found out more about the offences at the plea hearing. I only found out about the sentencing because I tenaciously follow the local court pages to view upcoming cases. No one would have informed me.
I've been in contact with the court and the probation service now, but have been warned that my stepson will have to give permission. Ludicrous - as if he's going to!! I'm still waiting to hear back from them.
My daughter is 11 now. She knows he's in trouble for online activity and looking at something he shouldn't, but that's it. I need to know the restrictions on the SHPO, otherwise how can I keep her safe? He lives in the same town as us, down the road from her school. How do I know if he's allowed to be near her or our home (not that he ever will be again as long as I'm here)?
If I'm not seen as a victim of his crime, why am I the one in so much pain?
Sorry, ranted a bit. Will email the SW who was involved and see if she can help. She was lovely.
Xx
CS were involved - CP investigation, they met with my daughter twice and were certain that no physical abuse had taken place and that she was safe so signed us off. No contact from them since.
I didn't hear any specifics at court, other than the charges that did not relate to my daughter, just the volume and categories. Every charge carried a custodial sentence, but because of the pre-sentence report, he chose to suspend it. This is why I need to see the report - it might alleviate my worst fears, and also explain the judge's decision. I think, had I been told, then I would've found out more about the offences at the plea hearing. I only found out about the sentencing because I tenaciously follow the local court pages to view upcoming cases. No one would have informed me.
I've been in contact with the court and the probation service now, but have been warned that my stepson will have to give permission. Ludicrous - as if he's going to!! I'm still waiting to hear back from them.
My daughter is 11 now. She knows he's in trouble for online activity and looking at something he shouldn't, but that's it. I need to know the restrictions on the SHPO, otherwise how can I keep her safe? He lives in the same town as us, down the road from her school. How do I know if he's allowed to be near her or our home (not that he ever will be again as long as I'm here)?
If I'm not seen as a victim of his crime, why am I the one in so much pain?
Sorry, ranted a bit. Will email the SW who was involved and see if she can help. She was lovely.
Xx
JSR - could his dad not ask to see the SHPO and communicate what, if any restrictions there are around being near your daughter or kids in general? Surely better for all than potentially having to ring the police if he does hang around only to find out that isn't covered by the SHPO and it's caused hassle for both of you. From what I know of PSRs I can quite see why he wouldn't want to share it - they are a lot more personal than details of restrictions in the SHPO.
Is there any way you could perhaps call the Police and give a scenario of some bogus family event you would like to attend that he could potentially be at and ask if this would cause any issues with his SHPO? Try to ask some questions to figure out what is on there. Surely there should be some kind of grounds for a restraining order or something similar to put in place to help give you some reassurance that he can't go near her. I'm so sorry you're going through this, you absolutely deserve support and reassurance from the authorities.
It's horrific how parents have less rights than offenders in cases like this, it's like that case where the nursery worker had been abusing children and the police wouldn't disclose to the parents whether their children had been abused or not, absolutely shocking :(
I hope you get your answers x
It's horrific how parents have less rights than offenders in cases like this, it's like that case where the nursery worker had been abusing children and the police wouldn't disclose to the parents whether their children had been abused or not, absolutely shocking :(
I hope you get your answers x