Complete denial
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My world has just shattered because I have mentioned my observations to my husband. He is in complete denial and wants to split up. There is no way back now. My children don't believe he could behave in this way and of course now blame me for being nuts, which is what my husband says I am. I'm so lonely I feel I should have kept quiet but it was on high alert every time the children were with us.
Do you have someone you can talk to or confide in. It might help if you call the helpline then you can say everything and talk about whats happened without judgement, it might help you feel less alone. I dont know what it is you have observed but the helpline might be able to help you talk through what it is and how to deal with the situation.
Maria thank you for your reply. I have spoken to the helpline and it was helpful but only I can deal with this. I hoped that he would look at the stopitnow website, I was very gentle and supportive. And was hoping to deal with this without the kids knowing. But instead he rang the kids to tell them we were separating and that I was nuts!
so he has them on side, they think I should have talked to them first as they 'knew' that he would explode, and they could have dealt with it. They believe I'm being sanctimonious. Just to be clear, I don't actually think he would harm the girls but the way he has looked at them was disturbing to me. I have been carrying this round with me for weeks, too scared to bring it up. Now I have and everything I hold dear is fractured.
so he has them on side, they think I should have talked to them first as they 'knew' that he would explode, and they could have dealt with it. They believe I'm being sanctimonious. Just to be clear, I don't actually think he would harm the girls but the way he has looked at them was disturbing to me. I have been carrying this round with me for weeks, too scared to bring it up. Now I have and everything I hold dear is fractured.
Daniella, your husband sounds like he's being really defensive and trying to deflect the guilt he is feeling onto you because you were the one who revealed his failings! Honesty is almost always the best way forward I believe, especially where close family relationships are concerned. It sounds as if people have reacted in a very touchy way, but perhaps they will think about the reality of the situation and then realise that all you have done is shown care and support. You have not just accepted his behaviour but tried to get him to face up to his problems. You are obviously a strong woman with a clear set of values; hang on in there and hopefully people will come to that conclusion by themselves when they consider exactly what he has done. X
Thank you Esther, your words are soothing. However the children (and my husband) are deeply angry with me for not keeping quiet. My daughter believes I'm imagining things, my son has told me I should beg forgiveness and should have kept quiet because I have now destroyed the family.
my husband wants us to live separate lives now, he will never accept any responsibility. Has this evening even threatened to punch me in the face. I am deeply upset and do wish I had just kept quiet as the kids said I should. I've lost everything, they are all I have. I've been a fool but I was so sure I could help and was doing the right thing.
my husband wants us to live separate lives now, he will never accept any responsibility. Has this evening even threatened to punch me in the face. I am deeply upset and do wish I had just kept quiet as the kids said I should. I've lost everything, they are all I have. I've been a fool but I was so sure I could help and was doing the right thing.
Oh Daniella you were doing the right thing. Totally. As for the threat of violence , that is so not acceptible. The reason behind all this pain and trauma is your husbands behaviour, not yours. If there is anyway you could afford to see a counsellor I would urge you to do so. And to keep calling the helpline.
Thank you Paula. I've destroyed my lovely family, we're in shreds, we will not recover from this. I should have known, he is not a man to be questioned, and this was a taboo subject!!
my only solace is this message board.
my only solace is this message board.
Daniella, hold on in there. Is there a family member you can talk to? Confide in? A best friend? You say that only you can deal with this. But there are people who can help you. Will you call the helpline again tomorrow please? You have done nothing wrong.
Paula, thank you, i will hang on in there, though it is terribly hard, I just blame myself for bringing it out into the open, if I'd keep quiet my family wouldn't be fractured.
I will contact the helpline again when I can.
Your support is invaluable to me at this time, thank you again.
I will contact the helpline again when I can.
Your support is invaluable to me at this time, thank you again.
Daniella, I just want to echo Paula’s advice. You have done the right thing and if he is threatening violence, you need to seek help. Please call the helpline tomorrow. Nobody will judge you, but they will be able to offer both practical help and emotional support. Do take care xx
Want you to know I’m thinking about you. You are blaming yourself for bringing things out into the open. But the alternative is living in a world full of secrets and lies. It may not feel like it now, but you did the right thing. Keep in touch x