My world has fallen apart
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We got the knock on 28 Nov, the police seized my persons electronic devices and he went to the police station to be interveiwed on the same day. He was RUI. He says he was chatting to a girl not yet 13 on an adult chat room but he tells me it was a decoy. I believe he is not telling me the whole truth as some months prior to this he was having communications with random women online and even when presented with evidence he denied denied denied. I feel I cannot trust him as my experience is that he lies but we have come a long way together and even though he has been controlling and manipulative I still care very deeply. I go from crying and being heartbroken to being so angry and hating everything and everyone. This in turn makes me sad because I am a caring person and I have become someone I no longer recognise.
I don't know what the future holds and I have a long way to go yet. A few people close to me know and I value their support. I just know I will never be the same again, I look at him differently now, I just wish he would realise how much hurt he has caused and take responsibilty for what he has done. I think I will never know the whole truth and I have to accept that.
I don't know what the future holds and I have a long way to go yet. A few people close to me know and I value their support. I just know I will never be the same again, I look at him differently now, I just wish he would realise how much hurt he has caused and take responsibilty for what he has done. I think I will never know the whole truth and I have to accept that.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Reaching out to people you trust is so important.
the loss of trust for your partner is so profound, I have no useful advice on how to work on this. We are eventually going to have couples therapy but first need to work on ourselves before we can build back our relationship
reach out to the helpline, join the inform course - there is lots out there to get us through these dark early days
x
the loss of trust for your partner is so profound, I have no useful advice on how to work on this. We are eventually going to have couples therapy but first need to work on ourselves before we can build back our relationship
reach out to the helpline, join the inform course - there is lots out there to get us through these dark early days
x
K4 thank you for your kind words and your advice.
I have telephoned the helpline a few times and they were so supportive, listening to me sobbing my heart out. I know I want to get some help for myself but at this time everything is very raw, this is somethig for the future. Whatever the future will look like.
I have telephoned the helpline a few times and they were so supportive, listening to me sobbing my heart out. I know I want to get some help for myself but at this time everything is very raw, this is somethig for the future. Whatever the future will look like.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here amongst us. It's not somewhere any of us would choose to be. There are some words that stand out to me in your post where you describe his behaviour as having been 'controlling and coercive'. Is this something that you have or would seek support for outside this issue. I worry that his behaviour could have an impact on your ability to see this situation clearly and make the best decisions for 'you'. My words are motivated by concern and in no way intended to offend x
Life feels over I value your reply and I am in no way offended.
The situation I now find myself in has escalated over the last few months since the knock, his controlling behaviour was very much "under the radar" or subtle is another way to describe it, before.
It now feels out of control and he constantly blames me for the way he reacts. I have been seeking support with this side of things and there are options for me going forward.
The situation I now find myself in has escalated over the last few months since the knock, his controlling behaviour was very much "under the radar" or subtle is another way to describe it, before.
It now feels out of control and he constantly blames me for the way he reacts. I have been seeking support with this side of things and there are options for me going forward.
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Hey sweetie sorry you're here with us and you're going through hell. It's still obviously very raw. I second daffodil. That's abuse and gaslighting . I've been there and trust me it never changes., in fact it gets worse. Took me years to leave my ex husband and its not easy but I promise you it dues get better. I know how love for someone can keep you there. My story similar to yours as on chat with minor. You can find out the truth by asking him for full disclosure of evidence when it cones through. If he says no, then you'll know he's lying. I get the lies too because i can't trust my person and we spilt (not my ex husband from years ago) it's the one thing I couldn't get over but we are still friends as we went through this together and are trauma bonded a lot. As well we had a great relationship prior to knock and he's a good bed who did a stupid bad thing and has been punished for it. Do you think this too? If not then you're probably better off on your own sweetie. But it's your choice. You don't have to put up with his crap.
Again, the wise women on this forum astound me with their excellent advice.
You're amazing. All of you.
x
You're amazing. All of you.
x
Thank you lovely kind caring supportive ladies. We are not derserving of our situations.
I am in the process of sorting out an escape plan and setting it in place. I will speak to someone who I can absolutely trust tomorrow. I need to be safe and only I can make sure of that. I am astounded that a grown man can act like a toddler and have no rational thinking at all. I know now that he will never change and that nothing I do or say will make the situation better.
I am in the process of sorting out an escape plan and setting it in place. I will speak to someone who I can absolutely trust tomorrow. I need to be safe and only I can make sure of that. I am astounded that a grown man can act like a toddler and have no rational thinking at all. I know now that he will never change and that nothing I do or say will make the situation better.
Good eoman. You sound strong. You can do this. Let us know how you get on and we are here for you. X
MywholeWorld; your OH sounds very much like mine. My OH was manipulating and subtly controlling. I thought he was just a kind person who did/decided things for me because he wanted the best for me. Over the years I gave in and eventually felt helpless when I was worried about his reaction if I said or did what I wanted. It got to a point where I couldn't ask for the TV volume to be turned down because it would irritate him because he didn't think it was loud. My family and friends pointed these things out to me but by then it had become the norm and for fear of an argument or the atmosphere turning horrible, I decided to let things go. I so wish I hadn't.
He too chatted and even met other women he'd met online. Some he was chatting to whilst I was in the kitchen cooking his tea. He had become such a cruel person but that all changed the day of the knock. He was and is a broken man now. He chatted to a 13 year old (decoy) believing it was an adult pretending to be a child. Nevertheless, it was wrong whichever way you dress it up. That mistake/act has turned our lives upside down.
I blamed myself at first for not being the strong woman I once was and believed maybe this made me weak and boring and he lost interest and look elsewhere. It started with chats and then meetings with women and when that dried up, then anything for a thrill mentality set in hence the chat with the decoy.
In some ways I'm glad the knock happened to him (but I guess we the family are collateral damage) because now we can live a more honest life and face the decietful sham of a life we were living. The upside (if you can call it that) is that he regrets all and everything he did. He appreciates everything he had and has and has changed to the man he was when we first met. It will never be the same but he's no longer controlling or aggressive or manipulative. He is scared of losing everything we have together and finally woken up to everything he has had and took for granted. I have become more vocal and do not hesitate to speak my mind. I believe I have the right finally to be an equal in this relationship. I know I didn't do wrong or bring this to our door so no longer put up with any rubbish. I don't put up with any nonsense from him and he thinks twice before saying or doing anything. I make decisions now rather than just agreeing to his "suggestions". Making decisions or taking the lead doesn't come naturally anymore but I'm not going to give it up again for him or anyone else.
You haven't done anything wrong and your OH should worship the ground you walk on for staying. You, I nor anyone else here should have to live with this burden so the fact that we are still here makes us hero's and much stronger than our OH's and that alone makes us worthy of respect.
Stay strong and take back control. You are far far stronger than you give yourself credit for. X
(I don't always sound so positive. I have my bad days too. Today is a good day. X)
He too chatted and even met other women he'd met online. Some he was chatting to whilst I was in the kitchen cooking his tea. He had become such a cruel person but that all changed the day of the knock. He was and is a broken man now. He chatted to a 13 year old (decoy) believing it was an adult pretending to be a child. Nevertheless, it was wrong whichever way you dress it up. That mistake/act has turned our lives upside down.
I blamed myself at first for not being the strong woman I once was and believed maybe this made me weak and boring and he lost interest and look elsewhere. It started with chats and then meetings with women and when that dried up, then anything for a thrill mentality set in hence the chat with the decoy.
In some ways I'm glad the knock happened to him (but I guess we the family are collateral damage) because now we can live a more honest life and face the decietful sham of a life we were living. The upside (if you can call it that) is that he regrets all and everything he did. He appreciates everything he had and has and has changed to the man he was when we first met. It will never be the same but he's no longer controlling or aggressive or manipulative. He is scared of losing everything we have together and finally woken up to everything he has had and took for granted. I have become more vocal and do not hesitate to speak my mind. I believe I have the right finally to be an equal in this relationship. I know I didn't do wrong or bring this to our door so no longer put up with any rubbish. I don't put up with any nonsense from him and he thinks twice before saying or doing anything. I make decisions now rather than just agreeing to his "suggestions". Making decisions or taking the lead doesn't come naturally anymore but I'm not going to give it up again for him or anyone else.
You haven't done anything wrong and your OH should worship the ground you walk on for staying. You, I nor anyone else here should have to live with this burden so the fact that we are still here makes us hero's and much stronger than our OH's and that alone makes us worthy of respect.
Stay strong and take back control. You are far far stronger than you give yourself credit for. X
(I don't always sound so positive. I have my bad days too. Today is a good day. X)
RIG22 thank you for sharing your experience, you are a very brave strong and resilient women
My person takes no responsibility for what he has done. He says he is sorry because he thinks that's what I want to hear. He sees no need to seek help for his online offending or for his inappropriate behaviour. In fact he is still going into chat rooms and still engaging with random people at this current time. I say random people because it is my belief he has both male and female personas online. He is a very sick individual.
I am sure that much more will come to light in the future and understandably I am not sure I can support him as he chooses not to seek help for himself and has made no effort to change his offending behaviour. He's awful continued behaviour towards me is another reason for me having to make a decision that is entirely selfish.
My person takes no responsibility for what he has done. He says he is sorry because he thinks that's what I want to hear. He sees no need to seek help for his online offending or for his inappropriate behaviour. In fact he is still going into chat rooms and still engaging with random people at this current time. I say random people because it is my belief he has both male and female personas online. He is a very sick individual.
I am sure that much more will come to light in the future and understandably I am not sure I can support him as he chooses not to seek help for himself and has made no effort to change his offending behaviour. He's awful continued behaviour towards me is another reason for me having to make a decision that is entirely selfish.
RIG22 and world, you both deserve so much more. These men are only sorry because they got caught. If they hadn't they'd still be doing it and treating you badly. What you've both described is abuse and only you can decide if they are worth a second chance. Personally. I've chosen to get rid. I deserve more and I do regret the time I've wasted. I no longer care about the knock.., it's his problem and nothing to do with me.
sorry for the rant but today I feel so much better .... I've walked away and left the crap behind.
sorry for the rant but today I feel so much better .... I've walked away and left the crap behind.
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Lost everything your ability to put yourself first is an example to me
I am an empath it's always about those around me before myself. My caring nature means I'm often the least in most situations. It's not a good way to move forward and I realise that I need to make changes to how I allow those around me to treat me.
I spoke with my trusted person today and I have a plan in place which although it makes me very sad I have to do in order that I maintain my sanity and safety.
Whatever the future holds I know I can no longer accept being devalued, spoken down to, chastised about trivial matters and disrespected.
I am an empath it's always about those around me before myself. My caring nature means I'm often the least in most situations. It's not a good way to move forward and I realise that I need to make changes to how I allow those around me to treat me.
I spoke with my trusted person today and I have a plan in place which although it makes me very sad I have to do in order that I maintain my sanity and safety.
Whatever the future holds I know I can no longer accept being devalued, spoken down to, chastised about trivial matters and disrespected.
Good for you! It will be hard but you will end up much happier in the future. It will all be worth it. My ex let me plan a wedding, sell my home and buy a joint home, take semi retirement and then 3 weeks later he was arrested!! He let me do all that for our future knowing what he had done. I can't forgive him for that. I had to cancel the wedding, market the house whilst he had the luxury of going to pieces and leaving me to it! I've had time to think and there were red flags at the beginning of our relationship but I ignored them because I was so happy to be with someone after years of being alone. I'm in a much better place now and can see things much more clearly. I'm a confident person but he had begun to sap this. I'm looking forward to buying a new house and starting again even though im 56!!!
Lost everything thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how that must have been for you it breaks my heart just reading it.
I married in my late 20's I grew up very sheltered in a family who were very protective of me, the baby of the family. I hadn't had many other boyfriends my parents discouraged dating in my teens so when we met he swept me off my feet. I now know that is typical of narcissistic behaviour, the love bombing! Looking back I missed all the red flags. I was naive, and very immature and very trusting.
We were meant to downsize and begin to enjoy our retirement this year, it is a shame my dreams have been shattered by his double life being exposed and my eyes being opened to his bad behaviour. I hope I can accept and move forward.
I married in my late 20's I grew up very sheltered in a family who were very protective of me, the baby of the family. I hadn't had many other boyfriends my parents discouraged dating in my teens so when we met he swept me off my feet. I now know that is typical of narcissistic behaviour, the love bombing! Looking back I missed all the red flags. I was naive, and very immature and very trusting.
We were meant to downsize and begin to enjoy our retirement this year, it is a shame my dreams have been shattered by his double life being exposed and my eyes being opened to his bad behaviour. I hope I can accept and move forward.
I'm sorry you are here with the rest of us.
I have very similar feelings. Our knock came in November 2021.
I'm still reeling and have completely mixed emotions. My trust of my husband will never come back. He is hiding from the responsibility of what he has done. I now realise, it's taken me a while, that I will never know all the truth.
I don't accept that so I can't accept him.
It has taken me all this time to come to this decision and I'm glad it did it slowly and waited until I was sure.
Time isn't an issue for you. You can take your time and work through your emotions. Maybe you can work on the trust with workshops, therapy or finding your own way.
Ultimately you don't have to accept it, or you can make your peace with it. Whatever you do, that's up to you. Put yourself 1st and do what you want, just don't rush.
I hope things get a little easier x
I have very similar feelings. Our knock came in November 2021.
I'm still reeling and have completely mixed emotions. My trust of my husband will never come back. He is hiding from the responsibility of what he has done. I now realise, it's taken me a while, that I will never know all the truth.
I don't accept that so I can't accept him.
It has taken me all this time to come to this decision and I'm glad it did it slowly and waited until I was sure.
Time isn't an issue for you. You can take your time and work through your emotions. Maybe you can work on the trust with workshops, therapy or finding your own way.
Ultimately you don't have to accept it, or you can make your peace with it. Whatever you do, that's up to you. Put yourself 1st and do what you want, just don't rush.
I hope things get a little easier x
Annemarie - thank you for your encouragement and also to all the other ladies who have replied you support is so welcome
I'm not sure I have a lot of time on my side with regards to my persons behaviour towards me, so I have to make sure I have a plan in place. I'm working on this and for now I live each moment as it comes.
Some days are good and some are bad but I know I have the strength and resilience to get me through this and my support systsem has been amazing. I am so thankful for them.
I'm not sure I have a lot of time on my side with regards to my persons behaviour towards me, so I have to make sure I have a plan in place. I'm working on this and for now I live each moment as it comes.
Some days are good and some are bad but I know I have the strength and resilience to get me through this and my support systsem has been amazing. I am so thankful for them.
My whole world, your last post is worrying me. If you are scared please don't plan, just get out and go somewhere safe xx
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