Family and Friends Forum

Hi Jackie,

I would talk to the help line as I know I discussed this issue with them when my husband was arrested. He had harboured dark issues from his past and other trauma that he hasn't dealt with and had bottled up.

He never has used these to excuse what he did but his therapist has identified these as a route cause of his behaviour that led to his arrest.

I had no reason to disbelieve him when he told me about his past as I could clearly see the pain and anguish that it caused him just having to reveal what happened to him as a child caused him

People and men in particular(I can say this as I am one) bottle up alot of emotional baggage that actually does alot of mental harm.

As I said have a chat to the help line they were great when I discussed it with them.

Ttkit

Jackie

its the same in my case my husband experienced a lot of domestic violence at home he was vulnerable and sexually abused. It wasn’t safe for him to talk so he came up with unhealthy coping mechanism which consequently have brought him more unhappiness. The depression thing is real.

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I truly think many of the men have childhood trauma. I hope that through therapy they can feel safe and learn to love themselves.

Ttkit thank you for sharing, your experiences it’s heartbreaking for partners too and I hope your relationship is stronger and more secure after these disclosures and discussion.

there is so much in the media now about not bottling up feelings. All out thoughts are valid.

Jackie I hope everyone on here accepts that there no excuses we are all in charge of our own actions but I do think many of the men have low self esteem and act out their trauma completely inappropriately. I am just greatful my own mind doesn’t take me to dark places xx

Jackie,

You just have to take it a day at a time and I would suggest that you find someone to talk to about your feelings as they might help you rationalise some of them.

I know I had a great chat with 2 family members and my best friend who just listened offered support and didn't say it would all be ok but did say that people make mistakes and some bigger than others but nothing is unmanageable if you put your mind to it.

I'm 5 months in and still waiting for charges etc for husband but I am dealing with things alot better than I was and I can also see the effort my husband is putting in to address his demons/issues/behaviour. I would guess we are stronger than we ever have been as a unit. Dont her me wrong I still get moments where I'm pissed off for the effect this has on us as a unit and our wider family but these are more and more infrequent. Time is a great thing and it makes things easier.

Dont be too hard on yourself and make sure you look after you as well as trying to support him if you can

Ttkit

Hi Jackie. Yes my partner was abused (I knew for long time before the) but he in no way has he blamed that for looking at any porn (legal or not). I think there are so many variables when it comes to abuse - was it a one off or systematic, how old were you, was it a stranger or family member, did you disclose or keep it secret.

Yes.

My babies father was. He has told myself and the police and I do ( at least at this point) believe that to be why he did what he did.

It’s so incredibly sad. The damage this unresolved trauma doesto a child that can last a lifetime and cause so much suffering hit the person and those around them.

I don’t think it excuses the offenders actions, but it helps to explain them.

Hi Jackie, my OH wasn't aware of his abuse until after his arrest. The night after his arrest I kicked him out of our bedroom, and sleeping in the smaller room seems to have triggered the repressed memories of being repeatedly raped by his older brother, the 'golden boy' of the family, over a number of years and later at college where he was boarding. I completely believe him, and for him these were the missing puzzle pieces that explained his lifelong destructive behaviour. He told me he ended down the rabbit hole of child porn and ended up chatting to a 'father' (an undercover police officer) because he wanted to try to understand what went through the minds of such men. What made them tick. I can't forgive him for what he's done, but for the past year and a half since his arrest I have stood by him and supported him and paid a huge amount of money on private counselling for him. He still embraces a victim mentality, including rationalising this whole horrific nightmare he created saying it's police entrapment and he was sent photos he didn't know were on his devices, but he's beginning to realise he was an active participant in what he did, and his actions will change his and our futures.

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My partner suffered childhood sexual abuse and this is the reason he gave to me for his offending. In my eyes, he made a choice and ruined my and my children's lives. I will never see the abuse he suffered as an excuse. He does see it like this. It was game over for me right away.

My ex was brought up by someone else and he had been in contact with his birth father about a year before his arrest. The step mum had posted on Facebook. He had met his step sisters and one works with a family member. Small world.

Things have made me now consider that there must have been something that happened. But I found images and then significant transfers of money and then statements from people .. and a few other things which make me realise as others have blamed me, they should have looked in the mirror.



I always wondered about the support. I say to my children I love them, no matter what. But in shops there is also a sign, you pay for breakages. If my children did something to hurt someone I would put it right. I would never be part of their destruction. As mums do, we clean up the mess. And strangely some of my family said the same about his crimes and childhood abuse.



Indeal with cases like this at work all the time, and I didn't see what was under my own nose