Wide Awake Club
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I really didn't sign up for this wide awake club. I have lost count how many restless nights I have had since my now ex husband got the knock, New Year Jan 2021.
During the day I am busy, starting with school run with my 13yr old son, then working my way through household chores. I have Ptsd, fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue syndrome, among other health issues, so adapting to running house and parenting my autistic son mostly on my own has been a struggle.
The waiting game has been the toughest thing. All I want is answers and no one can give them. My ex is in denial that he had 'sexual communications' with a '14yr old', and says his solicitor has advised against him even telling me any details of his arrest, and the police just say, because its an on going investigation they can't disclose to me for the time being.
I still find it hard to get my head round that one minute I am happily married for 17yrs, then the next, I am seperated and now awaiting a divorce. Then there's the crushing realisation that my soul mate has let me down, but worse still, let my son down.
My son, at the time was just 11 yrs old, and had to go through being interviewed by social services and a child protection officer, because they said my husband had discussed my son and his puberty with the 14yr old on line during their chats. So my son, who is very bright became very aware of what his dad's arrest was about.
To start with I was in disbelief. My husband had been very aware of my own childhood abuse, so I couldn't get my head around that he would knowingly have sexual communications with a child. He knew my childhood had been distroyed, so surely he couldn't of treated this 14yr old in this way. He knew how precious my son was, after all it had taken five attempts have him. It had to be a mistake right?
As hard as it was I was there supporting my husband through this troubled time. For two years I kept an open mind and gave benefit of doubt. Then I found out that he was communicating with two other females. He had recieved a indecent video from one and had sent indecent photos in response. Although this proved to be with concenting adults, it hit me bang smack in the face. I thought I knew my husband, I thought my son and I mean the world to him, as he did us. But it would seem I didn't know him at all.
So here I am in Wide Awake Club again at 4.24am, wondering how did it all come to this. Obviously I know my husband is at fault for his actions, but I still question why?
Don't get me wrong, I know I will get through this, as my son is my world and I am focused on getting us both through this for his sake.
My son has found it hard. He thinks very literally with being autistic and knows dad has done wrong, but thinks if dad says he is sorry then mum should be forgiving.
I know the trust is totally broken between his dad and I, and the disrespect he showed my son by discussing his puberty with a total stranger on line is unforgivable. I guess finding out his later communications with other woman was the icing on the cake!
I just hope we hear back from the CPS soon, and the case can be concluded. Then rebuilding my life with my son can truely start. Being in limbo is just so difficult mentally.
For now I have to take each day as it comes. Get up each day and support my son, and make each day the best it can be. Also I have to continue to supervise my husbands visits when he comes to see my son. As hard as that is he has been a good dad, as far as I know, and they love each other dearly.
I loved my husband with all my heart, but I have had to let him go. I know I deserve more, and he is no longer worthy of my heart.
Well I have a couple of hours til school run, so will make a cuppa and try to rest til then.
I have only just found this forum and am greatful to anyone who reads to the end.
During the day I am busy, starting with school run with my 13yr old son, then working my way through household chores. I have Ptsd, fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue syndrome, among other health issues, so adapting to running house and parenting my autistic son mostly on my own has been a struggle.
The waiting game has been the toughest thing. All I want is answers and no one can give them. My ex is in denial that he had 'sexual communications' with a '14yr old', and says his solicitor has advised against him even telling me any details of his arrest, and the police just say, because its an on going investigation they can't disclose to me for the time being.
I still find it hard to get my head round that one minute I am happily married for 17yrs, then the next, I am seperated and now awaiting a divorce. Then there's the crushing realisation that my soul mate has let me down, but worse still, let my son down.
My son, at the time was just 11 yrs old, and had to go through being interviewed by social services and a child protection officer, because they said my husband had discussed my son and his puberty with the 14yr old on line during their chats. So my son, who is very bright became very aware of what his dad's arrest was about.
To start with I was in disbelief. My husband had been very aware of my own childhood abuse, so I couldn't get my head around that he would knowingly have sexual communications with a child. He knew my childhood had been distroyed, so surely he couldn't of treated this 14yr old in this way. He knew how precious my son was, after all it had taken five attempts have him. It had to be a mistake right?
As hard as it was I was there supporting my husband through this troubled time. For two years I kept an open mind and gave benefit of doubt. Then I found out that he was communicating with two other females. He had recieved a indecent video from one and had sent indecent photos in response. Although this proved to be with concenting adults, it hit me bang smack in the face. I thought I knew my husband, I thought my son and I mean the world to him, as he did us. But it would seem I didn't know him at all.
So here I am in Wide Awake Club again at 4.24am, wondering how did it all come to this. Obviously I know my husband is at fault for his actions, but I still question why?
Don't get me wrong, I know I will get through this, as my son is my world and I am focused on getting us both through this for his sake.
My son has found it hard. He thinks very literally with being autistic and knows dad has done wrong, but thinks if dad says he is sorry then mum should be forgiving.
I know the trust is totally broken between his dad and I, and the disrespect he showed my son by discussing his puberty with a total stranger on line is unforgivable. I guess finding out his later communications with other woman was the icing on the cake!
I just hope we hear back from the CPS soon, and the case can be concluded. Then rebuilding my life with my son can truely start. Being in limbo is just so difficult mentally.
For now I have to take each day as it comes. Get up each day and support my son, and make each day the best it can be. Also I have to continue to supervise my husbands visits when he comes to see my son. As hard as that is he has been a good dad, as far as I know, and they love each other dearly.
I loved my husband with all my heart, but I have had to let him go. I know I deserve more, and he is no longer worthy of my heart.
Well I have a couple of hours til school run, so will make a cuppa and try to rest til then.
I have only just found this forum and am greatful to anyone who reads to the end.
My reason being here is different to yours. The knock was for my father, who has a public service job. His is IIOC, we have no other information on this as he's not speaking up.
I also suffer with PTSD and fibro. I'm awake 90% of the nights so you're not alone.
I suffered a sexual assault at the hands of my father's friend at 14. During a dark period last week I had to ask my mother if she thought my father knew about it or even allowed it. I don't think he did, but our minds can take us to horrible places.
I'm so sorry to read your post.
This is so hard.
I also suffer with PTSD and fibro. I'm awake 90% of the nights so you're not alone.
I suffered a sexual assault at the hands of my father's friend at 14. During a dark period last week I had to ask my mother if she thought my father knew about it or even allowed it. I don't think he did, but our minds can take us to horrible places.
I'm so sorry to read your post.
This is so hard.
Hi SurvivingWarrior
Your name on here suits you , you are surviving and a warrior x
You have put your son as your number one priority that is clear in your post
I am so sorry you have found yourself here but this forum is a lifeline where you can talk openly and have no judgement,
I dont have a lot of advise as it is my son who offended but we all share the emotions, the lack of sleep, the uncertainty of what this journey entails
You have to concentrate on what you can do to move forward and try not to look back (easier said than done)
Sending strength and hugs xx
Your name on here suits you , you are surviving and a warrior x
You have put your son as your number one priority that is clear in your post
I am so sorry you have found yourself here but this forum is a lifeline where you can talk openly and have no judgement,
I dont have a lot of advise as it is my son who offended but we all share the emotions, the lack of sleep, the uncertainty of what this journey entails
You have to concentrate on what you can do to move forward and try not to look back (easier said than done)
Sending strength and hugs xx
I'm sorry that you're having to wait so long for answers and a conclusion. My now ex husband was similar, he communicated with a 13 year old and a 14 year old, though actually both police decoys. I found out after he'd been arrested that he'd been communicating online with other women for 2 years. Everything happened very quickly for us. He was arrested in August 2022, plead guilty in October and was sentenced in January. We have teenage boys and have been married for nearly 17 years.
Like you I feel so betrayed. I don't understand who this person is. He's the last person I'd have expected to be involved in something like this. I'm angry that he has thrown our future away. But I also still care for him and need to balance my own wellbeing with worrying about his future. He screwed it up and I need to let him sort it out. I do sometimes wonder if I'd still be happy to be in his life if it wasn't for the kids.
You sound very strong. I love how you say but I have had to let him go. I know I deserve more, and he is no longer worthy of my heart. It is such a hard thing to do and I think having boys wants me to set an example to them that this behaviour is not acceptable and is disrespectful in a relationship.
Like you I feel so betrayed. I don't understand who this person is. He's the last person I'd have expected to be involved in something like this. I'm angry that he has thrown our future away. But I also still care for him and need to balance my own wellbeing with worrying about his future. He screwed it up and I need to let him sort it out. I do sometimes wonder if I'd still be happy to be in his life if it wasn't for the kids.
You sound very strong. I love how you say but I have had to let him go. I know I deserve more, and he is no longer worthy of my heart. It is such a hard thing to do and I think having boys wants me to set an example to them that this behaviour is not acceptable and is disrespectful in a relationship.
Janey3
Thank you for your reply.
Like you I am awake more than I sleep. But its good to read I am not alone.
I am sorry to hear that you also suffered in your childhood. I too asked the same question, did the very people who should of protected me, know about the abuse, but did nothing.
In later years I found out that other family members had suffered the same abuse. I had thought I was the only one.
Right now I am trying to concentrate on looking forward and am working on seperating what happened to me as a child, from what is happening in present time.
I wish you all the best and hope you too can find a way forward.
Thank you for your reply.
Like you I am awake more than I sleep. But its good to read I am not alone.
I am sorry to hear that you also suffered in your childhood. I too asked the same question, did the very people who should of protected me, know about the abuse, but did nothing.
In later years I found out that other family members had suffered the same abuse. I had thought I was the only one.
Right now I am trying to concentrate on looking forward and am working on seperating what happened to me as a child, from what is happening in present time.
I wish you all the best and hope you too can find a way forward.
Upset mum
Thank you for your reply.
Yes the name seemed very fitting.
I am sorry to hear about your son, that can't be easy. I can understand that you will have had many a sleepless nights too and a whirl wind of emotions.
I am doing my best to not look back, but it can be difficult some days.
I had no idea this forum of help line existed until a few days ago. It's helped alot to know I am no longer alone.
Sending you Big Hugs x
Thank you for your reply.
Yes the name seemed very fitting.
I am sorry to hear about your son, that can't be easy. I can understand that you will have had many a sleepless nights too and a whirl wind of emotions.
I am doing my best to not look back, but it can be difficult some days.
I had no idea this forum of help line existed until a few days ago. It's helped alot to know I am no longer alone.
Sending you Big Hugs x
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Het there just wanted to say big hugs . I have fibro and PTSD also .not caused by the knock, but by an abusive husband in the past . but it has made things worse .my counsellor said that it's all came to surface now and I'll still have to go through more when I'm ready .fibro sucks . Keep on keeping on xx
Hi there,
just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this situation that nobody wants to be in.
I also suffer from Fibromyalgia and PTSD ( that happened due to the knock) and have many sleepless nights.
This forum is truly a lifeline and there are some wonderful people on here who give advice and support do please continue to ask for help here.
Sending you lots of love and strength xx
just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this situation that nobody wants to be in.
I also suffer from Fibromyalgia and PTSD ( that happened due to the knock) and have many sleepless nights.
This forum is truly a lifeline and there are some wonderful people on here who give advice and support do please continue to ask for help here.
Sending you lots of love and strength xx
04.17am and wide awake.
I just wanted to Thankyou to you all for sharing. It has helped knowing I am not alone in this.
Everyday waiting in limbo is a struggle. Still not heard yet from CPS. I feel chasing them for an answer myself, but in reality know the case is in a que like everyone else's.
I not only feel angry that my husband has thrown our future together away, but everytime I see him I am angry that he doesn't just tell me about the communications he has had, and what images he has sent. Obviously I have a fairly good idea, due to the nature of his arrest, but I feel I should hear it from him. The more time that passes the more I feel he is in deniel.
I was advised to sit him down and tell him that he owes me the truth, and that he should tell me himself rather than me hearing it in court. But I just drew a blank, he wasn't willing to share. He just said it is what it is and his solicitor had advised him not to talk about his case with anyone.
He visits my son three times a week. This happens at home as I was advised to not allow him to carry out any personal care of my son, and for me to supervise visits. Also with my son being autistic, too much change isn't good for him, and there's been plenty for him to get his head around already. So he comes for a four hour visit three times a week. My son enjoys his time with his dad, but for me, it feels an invasion of my private space, an invasion he doesn't deserve.
I just hope thinks conclude soon. I just want answers. I know our marriage is over, but it's like I don't know how to treat him anymore.
Anyway thanks for being there and for sharing.
xx
I just wanted to Thankyou to you all for sharing. It has helped knowing I am not alone in this.
Everyday waiting in limbo is a struggle. Still not heard yet from CPS. I feel chasing them for an answer myself, but in reality know the case is in a que like everyone else's.
I not only feel angry that my husband has thrown our future together away, but everytime I see him I am angry that he doesn't just tell me about the communications he has had, and what images he has sent. Obviously I have a fairly good idea, due to the nature of his arrest, but I feel I should hear it from him. The more time that passes the more I feel he is in deniel.
I was advised to sit him down and tell him that he owes me the truth, and that he should tell me himself rather than me hearing it in court. But I just drew a blank, he wasn't willing to share. He just said it is what it is and his solicitor had advised him not to talk about his case with anyone.
He visits my son three times a week. This happens at home as I was advised to not allow him to carry out any personal care of my son, and for me to supervise visits. Also with my son being autistic, too much change isn't good for him, and there's been plenty for him to get his head around already. So he comes for a four hour visit three times a week. My son enjoys his time with his dad, but for me, it feels an invasion of my private space, an invasion he doesn't deserve.
I just hope thinks conclude soon. I just want answers. I know our marriage is over, but it's like I don't know how to treat him anymore.
Anyway thanks for being there and for sharing.
xx
I'm going sorry you've been going thru this for such a long time. The waiting game is horrendous, but him being so unclear is even worse.
If he's nit willing to be open, can you ask the Social Worker to tell you as much as possible? What exactly was said about your child? How long this conversation went? You need answers, as, like you very wisely said, need to know how to treat him.
As a fellow Survivor of Childhood Abuse, I also get the despair and utter broken heart. After having such an awful childhood, in my case with rife abuse that was being ignored, we build ourselves and do our best to not pass that generational trauma. So for them to do this, is beyond unforgivable.
For a long time I couldn't come here much because when I read some comments of ladies defending their partners, it used to filled me up with so much rage. But, at the same time, I'm also in this conundrum too. I still hate him for putting me in this position, very unfair.
Anyway. We're here for you to vent anytime.
Big hugs x
If he's nit willing to be open, can you ask the Social Worker to tell you as much as possible? What exactly was said about your child? How long this conversation went? You need answers, as, like you very wisely said, need to know how to treat him.
As a fellow Survivor of Childhood Abuse, I also get the despair and utter broken heart. After having such an awful childhood, in my case with rife abuse that was being ignored, we build ourselves and do our best to not pass that generational trauma. So for them to do this, is beyond unforgivable.
For a long time I couldn't come here much because when I read some comments of ladies defending their partners, it used to filled me up with so much rage. But, at the same time, I'm also in this conundrum too. I still hate him for putting me in this position, very unfair.
Anyway. We're here for you to vent anytime.
Big hugs x
I completely understand the feeling of being in limbo.
My husband too refuses to be open and honest about what has happened. He had communications with a not yet 13 year old girl who turned out to be a decoy. I know how frustrating this is and the thought and fear of the unknown is what is causing us to imagine all sorts of outcomes. I think like me you are wanting honesty but I think we need to realise we will never know the whole truth.
Luckily for me my child is an adult so I have no involvement with SS, this must be so difficult to deal with. Trying to protect your children and make sure they are not permanently scared by this.
I know that I will never be the same again, I'm not sure that I will ever be able to trust him again, he has lived a double life for so long and I knew nothing of what was happening in my own house. You are not alone, the ladies on here are supportive and so kind and helpful. So if you need to vent this is the place to come. Take comfort in knowing that although you feel alone, you are not.
My husband too refuses to be open and honest about what has happened. He had communications with a not yet 13 year old girl who turned out to be a decoy. I know how frustrating this is and the thought and fear of the unknown is what is causing us to imagine all sorts of outcomes. I think like me you are wanting honesty but I think we need to realise we will never know the whole truth.
Luckily for me my child is an adult so I have no involvement with SS, this must be so difficult to deal with. Trying to protect your children and make sure they are not permanently scared by this.
I know that I will never be the same again, I'm not sure that I will ever be able to trust him again, he has lived a double life for so long and I knew nothing of what was happening in my own house. You are not alone, the ladies on here are supportive and so kind and helpful. So if you need to vent this is the place to come. Take comfort in knowing that although you feel alone, you are not.
SurvivingWarrior, I've been in the wide awake club many times the last couple of years. Just wanted to say that I did read to the end of your post and I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. We are warrior women and will not be defined by the actions of others - I'm sending you hugs and strength xx