New here
Notifications OFF
Recently found and registered for this forum. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd find myself in this space.
Dawn raid, arrest and electronics confiscated this week. Partner home same day after questionning.
Not sure what's on the devices. Don't know what charges will come later. Police mentioned IIOC but partner talks about PIOC.
Also not sure where all the sexual fantasy chats sit within the law either. If between consenting adults about consenting adults is that ok? But if fantasy chat between consenting adults includes fantasies about children? Taboo for sure. Are shared sexual fantasies about children that don't contain images illegal? If yes, by what legislation?
Don't know how I'm keeping going at the moment. Going about normal stuff including going to work. Trying to take my mind off it. Am I in limbo? Am I in denial?
Not told family. Partner wants to keep it quiet. Embarrased probably. I get that. But what about me? I feel I'm hiding something I really need to share, talk about and understand.
Work helpline phoned. Told to wait until next week and then phone again for assessment and counselling. Told to wait for shock to wear off. But how can they help though?
How can this be real?
Dawn raid, arrest and electronics confiscated this week. Partner home same day after questionning.
Not sure what's on the devices. Don't know what charges will come later. Police mentioned IIOC but partner talks about PIOC.
Also not sure where all the sexual fantasy chats sit within the law either. If between consenting adults about consenting adults is that ok? But if fantasy chat between consenting adults includes fantasies about children? Taboo for sure. Are shared sexual fantasies about children that don't contain images illegal? If yes, by what legislation?
Don't know how I'm keeping going at the moment. Going about normal stuff including going to work. Trying to take my mind off it. Am I in limbo? Am I in denial?
Not told family. Partner wants to keep it quiet. Embarrased probably. I get that. But what about me? I feel I'm hiding something I really need to share, talk about and understand.
Work helpline phoned. Told to wait until next week and then phone again for assessment and counselling. Told to wait for shock to wear off. But how can they help though?
How can this be real?
Ahhh bless you sorry your in our club no-one wants to be in. First few weeks are the first but make sure your person is doing everything he can to him self also .he needs to be completely honest with you so you can think straight. I gut my person I onwrote letters then read them when he wasn't there .it helped a lot . Anyway come here to rant etc.your go and also his can be very helpful x
Sorry you find yourself here.
I don't have much advice about the legal stuff.
however, I "carried on as normal" following the knock. It was (and is) my coping strategy. So much of this is out of your control and will be for a very long time, so I just went back to work as if nothing had happened.
My advice is to tell as few people as possible. My family knows, as we are very open and forgiving (though they are VERY CROSS with him). His family does not. I have not told any friends, he has. One of which was not at all supportive and this has scared me from telling anyone else.
Call the helpline, join the Inform course from LFF, go to your GP for meds if you need them.
take care of yourself and be prepared for a long journey. This place is a godsend
xx
I don't have much advice about the legal stuff.
however, I "carried on as normal" following the knock. It was (and is) my coping strategy. So much of this is out of your control and will be for a very long time, so I just went back to work as if nothing had happened.
My advice is to tell as few people as possible. My family knows, as we are very open and forgiving (though they are VERY CROSS with him). His family does not. I have not told any friends, he has. One of which was not at all supportive and this has scared me from telling anyone else.
Call the helpline, join the Inform course from LFF, go to your GP for meds if you need them.
take care of yourself and be prepared for a long journey. This place is a godsend
xx
Everyone will have different opinions about who to tell. I told close family and friends, and they were all amazing. I needed to talk about it and I hate not being truthful. I did keep it from our neighbours for the kids' sake and I found it really hard. We are post-sentencing and it was in the media, so everyone knows anyway now, so it would have been pointless trying to keep it a secret.
Post deleted
Sorry to hear this - it is an awful situation and I hope you find support here. Indecent pseudo images of children are illegal under the same laws as 'real' images whether sophisticated AI or cartoon style. The helpline can be an excellent first port of call for help for both you and him.
I'm really sorry you find yourself here. Whilst I can understand he wants to not tell anyone, this takes a huge toll on our mental health. I'd definitely not encourage telling lots of people, of you think there is someone you could confide in, it may help you cope.
Re the fantasy chat. It really depends on context. If there is never any reference to any specific child the as someone has mentioned it could be classed as obscene publication. If however if there is talk of any specific child (whether or not that child turns out to be real) they may consider it that they were consipering to commit a physical crime. It took me a long while to get my head around this. My person has a conversation with another adult about abusing a child. Thankfully it was a police decoy and there was no child. He thought he was having a fantasy role play conversation (he was on a BDSM fetish website) with someone. The police see that he was trying to arrange the abuse of a child.
I'm 1 year and 4 months from finding out (2 years 6 months from the offence taking place) I still struggle to reconcile the person I love with that activity, but in someways I do understand. I can't believe this is my life and I have to try and rationalise what he's done, the risk he could have put a child in and how much he's (and we've) lost.
Re the fantasy chat. It really depends on context. If there is never any reference to any specific child the as someone has mentioned it could be classed as obscene publication. If however if there is talk of any specific child (whether or not that child turns out to be real) they may consider it that they were consipering to commit a physical crime. It took me a long while to get my head around this. My person has a conversation with another adult about abusing a child. Thankfully it was a police decoy and there was no child. He thought he was having a fantasy role play conversation (he was on a BDSM fetish website) with someone. The police see that he was trying to arrange the abuse of a child.
I'm 1 year and 4 months from finding out (2 years 6 months from the offence taking place) I still struggle to reconcile the person I love with that activity, but in someways I do understand. I can't believe this is my life and I have to try and rationalise what he's done, the risk he could have put a child in and how much he's (and we've) lost.
So sorry you are here.
With regards to fantasy chat, my OH did not get charged or convicted but there was mention of it in the police report that was sent to social services. This has made SS be particularly reluctant to leave us alone. We are post sentencing and still along way from being cleared by SS even though both me and my OH have done lots of work around safeguarding and he has worked on his underlying problems. Most of the men who have caused us to be here have addiction (porn or substance) or childhood trauma.
With regards to fantasy chat, my OH did not get charged or convicted but there was mention of it in the police report that was sent to social services. This has made SS be particularly reluctant to leave us alone. We are post sentencing and still along way from being cleared by SS even though both me and my OH have done lots of work around safeguarding and he has worked on his underlying problems. Most of the men who have caused us to be here have addiction (porn or substance) or childhood trauma.
Runawaygirl
I like everyone else has said I'm sorry you have ended up here xx
I dont have much advise as my sons crime was different to your other half, but just wanted to send hugs xx
I like everyone else has said I'm sorry you have ended up here xx
I dont have much advise as my sons crime was different to your other half, but just wanted to send hugs xx
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my message.
I have a really stressful job and although I got through the remainder of the week last week when it happened somehow, when I logged in yesterday, I just had a melt down. I felt completely overwhelmed by utter despair at the whole thing and felt little regard for my work. Work paled into insignificance and I just didn't care or felt I could go on. Consequently, I'm now signed off with stress.
Spot on re additions. I think he has been "pushing boundaries" for years trying to find new ways to satisfy the addiction. I was aware of this and I'd inadvertantly seen some of the DVDs - well, the covers I mean - (he'd hidden them but not that well). Whilst I wasn't keen and we'd spoken of porn and especially the fantasy role-playing chats many times, I'd resigned myself to the fact that we would have to agree to disagree. It's still made me cross that he was doing it and I felt his behaviour completely steam-rollered over my feelings on the matter. But I tried to live with it on the assumption that although I didn't like it, it was at least legal. Little did I know - I suppose I should add "allegedly" here until charged.
So I don't know how to live with this. We are in limbo. I know you've all been there and know how I feel. I guess I have to find a way to get through this until we hear back from the police. However long that might take.
I've registered for an urgent appointment with my GP. By "urgent" I mean it's taken me over 24 hours just to get through the e-consult stage. And I've registered for some therapy but there's a long wait for that. I guess I have time.
I have a really stressful job and although I got through the remainder of the week last week when it happened somehow, when I logged in yesterday, I just had a melt down. I felt completely overwhelmed by utter despair at the whole thing and felt little regard for my work. Work paled into insignificance and I just didn't care or felt I could go on. Consequently, I'm now signed off with stress.
Spot on re additions. I think he has been "pushing boundaries" for years trying to find new ways to satisfy the addiction. I was aware of this and I'd inadvertantly seen some of the DVDs - well, the covers I mean - (he'd hidden them but not that well). Whilst I wasn't keen and we'd spoken of porn and especially the fantasy role-playing chats many times, I'd resigned myself to the fact that we would have to agree to disagree. It's still made me cross that he was doing it and I felt his behaviour completely steam-rollered over my feelings on the matter. But I tried to live with it on the assumption that although I didn't like it, it was at least legal. Little did I know - I suppose I should add "allegedly" here until charged.
So I don't know how to live with this. We are in limbo. I know you've all been there and know how I feel. I guess I have to find a way to get through this until we hear back from the police. However long that might take.
I've registered for an urgent appointment with my GP. By "urgent" I mean it's taken me over 24 hours just to get through the e-consult stage. And I've registered for some therapy but there's a long wait for that. I guess I have time.