Really struggling recently
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Hi all,
im trying to not post as often and get on with everything but the support on here is amazing and I'm really struggling recently.
we are almost 2 months into a 14 month sentence, he got moved 3 weeks ago to another prison and all the emotions that had settled came back. I've been up and down like a yo-yo these last 3 weeks, I've not been able to see him apart from a video call I know that is more than some people but it's killing me.. I can't stop thinking about how it's another 12 months waiting for him and praying that this gets better. Is there anyone through this and can offer some reassurance that it'll be okay? I really want us to get through this and move on once he's back we've had a long 4 years of suffering waiting for sentencing and this now is really testing us. While he was home he managed to become so open about his feelings and we became so close, now that he's in there he won't open up on the phone because there's always people around and our calls are just him being quiet all the time.. our video call was better but I feel like he's going to go backwards with all his mental health work he did and it's worrying me.
Im trying to see the positives, he's already got courses sorted and he does seem to be in some sort of Routine and seems to be in good spirits as such, I keep telling myself once I have them visits again I'll calm down but im scared this horrible feeling will never go away ???? please tell me it does ????
im trying to not post as often and get on with everything but the support on here is amazing and I'm really struggling recently.
we are almost 2 months into a 14 month sentence, he got moved 3 weeks ago to another prison and all the emotions that had settled came back. I've been up and down like a yo-yo these last 3 weeks, I've not been able to see him apart from a video call I know that is more than some people but it's killing me.. I can't stop thinking about how it's another 12 months waiting for him and praying that this gets better. Is there anyone through this and can offer some reassurance that it'll be okay? I really want us to get through this and move on once he's back we've had a long 4 years of suffering waiting for sentencing and this now is really testing us. While he was home he managed to become so open about his feelings and we became so close, now that he's in there he won't open up on the phone because there's always people around and our calls are just him being quiet all the time.. our video call was better but I feel like he's going to go backwards with all his mental health work he did and it's worrying me.
Im trying to see the positives, he's already got courses sorted and he does seem to be in some sort of Routine and seems to be in good spirits as such, I keep telling myself once I have them visits again I'll calm down but im scared this horrible feeling will never go away ???? please tell me it does ????
Evening Leesha
I'm sorry this has set you back again but you will get through this x look how far you have come, any move between prison will be unsettling for you both, like you say on phone calls there is people around, my son dosent have a phone in his cell and uses the one on the landing, Video calls are ok , once you establish visits you will get back in to the new normal I promise xx
Has he been moved further away?xx
I'm sorry this has set you back again but you will get through this x look how far you have come, any move between prison will be unsettling for you both, like you say on phone calls there is people around, my son dosent have a phone in his cell and uses the one on the landing, Video calls are ok , once you establish visits you will get back in to the new normal I promise xx
Has he been moved further away?xx
Hi,
Firstly I am so sorry you are in this position. My person also received a custodial sentence and I am so familiar with all of the emotions you are feeling. My person has been in for less time than yours but has also been moved twice already, and i know it's hard settling in to the new way that each prison works when you've seemingly only just got your head around how the previous one does! I experienced this problem with my person being quiet on the phone due to other people around - he way we got round it was to semi speak in code. we have different codes phrases for if he is 'okay but can't talk about it now' 'struggling and needs increased contact' 'in danger but not immediate' and 'needs immediate help'. We worked these phrases out in a letter, and they help me to worry less about his mental health and his well-being as I know he can speak in code if needed and I can call the safer custody team if needed.
he also tries to call when out of cell of association so there are fewer people tuned into his convo (unlike in his cell) and he calls at times when people would typically be doing other things such as work or showering etc so fewer people about. The above has really helped us stay connected and helped me worry about him less - I hope these ideas are helpful to you, big hugs I know how tough it is.
wildflower x
Firstly I am so sorry you are in this position. My person also received a custodial sentence and I am so familiar with all of the emotions you are feeling. My person has been in for less time than yours but has also been moved twice already, and i know it's hard settling in to the new way that each prison works when you've seemingly only just got your head around how the previous one does! I experienced this problem with my person being quiet on the phone due to other people around - he way we got round it was to semi speak in code. we have different codes phrases for if he is 'okay but can't talk about it now' 'struggling and needs increased contact' 'in danger but not immediate' and 'needs immediate help'. We worked these phrases out in a letter, and they help me to worry less about his mental health and his well-being as I know he can speak in code if needed and I can call the safer custody team if needed.
he also tries to call when out of cell of association so there are fewer people tuned into his convo (unlike in his cell) and he calls at times when people would typically be doing other things such as work or showering etc so fewer people about. The above has really helped us stay connected and helped me worry about him less - I hope these ideas are helpful to you, big hugs I know how tough it is.
wildflower x
Hi upset mum,
thank you so much for responding, it really has knocked us both but he's bounced back quicker than me by the sounds of it I have cried everyday for the past week but I think im just holding out for that hug on visit day and for us to get into the new routine! Luckily he's still only round the corner so I think I'll be able to visit him every week and I speak to him on the phone nearly everyday plus the video calls so I will get to see him multiple times a month which im so fortunate for because I know it's not the same for everyone but living on my own is torture, the days drag so much and I feel myself literally counting them! I'm hot and cold whether I can do this all the time but I know I'd be miserable without him in my life xx
thank you so much for responding, it really has knocked us both but he's bounced back quicker than me by the sounds of it I have cried everyday for the past week but I think im just holding out for that hug on visit day and for us to get into the new routine! Luckily he's still only round the corner so I think I'll be able to visit him every week and I speak to him on the phone nearly everyday plus the video calls so I will get to see him multiple times a month which im so fortunate for because I know it's not the same for everyone but living on my own is torture, the days drag so much and I feel myself literally counting them! I'm hot and cold whether I can do this all the time but I know I'd be miserable without him in my life xx
As Upset has said a prison move is stressful , it's not knowing what to expect with a fresh regime/people.
From starting remand my son has moved to three different prisons - each one has its strengths and weaknesses, but each time he quickly settled. I think I was more traumatised than him!!!!!!
It is a pain when phone calls aren't very private and I feel your frustration. My son has his own cell, a job and phone which is a bonus, but crap food, and a very long distance! Whereas his last prison food was excellent, waiting list for jobs, shared cell and corridor phone.
im sure things will settle Leesha x
From starting remand my son has moved to three different prisons - each one has its strengths and weaknesses, but each time he quickly settled. I think I was more traumatised than him!!!!!!
It is a pain when phone calls aren't very private and I feel your frustration. My son has his own cell, a job and phone which is a bonus, but crap food, and a very long distance! Whereas his last prison food was excellent, waiting list for jobs, shared cell and corridor phone.
im sure things will settle Leesha x
Hi wildflower,
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, 1 prison move has thrown me so I can't imagine 2! Im hoping my partner stays where he is now because I've researched everything and tried to sort our new form of life out for 12 more months. He could book all his visits and stuff himself in the 1st place but I have to do all that now and I've not been able to get a visit as his contact list wasnt moved across with him so we've had to wait!
That is a really good idea about code phrases, I think I'll suggest that to him as well just to put my mind at ease for when he wants to talk, we've been writing letters also but the time they take to arrive is shocking! We keep joking by the time he receives my next one he'll be out haha!
from our phone calls he seems to get on well with his pad mate they even go the library together, and he has a few other people he's friendly with in there also he's on good terms with the guards too so he sounds really settled to be honest, I think I'm just missing him a lot at the minute and our 1st visit in this prison is coming up next week and I'm holding out for it
I hope it gets easier for us both with our other half's, we will get through this somehow
xx
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, 1 prison move has thrown me so I can't imagine 2! Im hoping my partner stays where he is now because I've researched everything and tried to sort our new form of life out for 12 more months. He could book all his visits and stuff himself in the 1st place but I have to do all that now and I've not been able to get a visit as his contact list wasnt moved across with him so we've had to wait!
That is a really good idea about code phrases, I think I'll suggest that to him as well just to put my mind at ease for when he wants to talk, we've been writing letters also but the time they take to arrive is shocking! We keep joking by the time he receives my next one he'll be out haha!
from our phone calls he seems to get on well with his pad mate they even go the library together, and he has a few other people he's friendly with in there also he's on good terms with the guards too so he sounds really settled to be honest, I think I'm just missing him a lot at the minute and our 1st visit in this prison is coming up next week and I'm holding out for it
I hope it gets easier for us both with our other half's, we will get through this somehow
xx
Hi smile through tears,
oh I definitely agree with the prison moves traumatising us more! I do think it's what I'm feeling at the minute and not seeing him in 4 weeks! Can I ask why your son was moved? I really don't want my partner to be moved again as where he is works for us I'm hoping he's been placed where he should be until his sentence is up but I don't know what the reasoning for moving would be.
im glad your son has been able to have his own space, has a job now and is settled, it's crazy how different these prisons can be .. honestly my partner has been very lucky from the sounds of it although he is sharing a cell, he gets on with his pad mate and other people on the wing, the food is alright apparently and they put him on a course within the first 2 weeks him being there and he was meant to start another one today .. I'm trying to look at the positives of it all but him not being here is still so raw xx
oh I definitely agree with the prison moves traumatising us more! I do think it's what I'm feeling at the minute and not seeing him in 4 weeks! Can I ask why your son was moved? I really don't want my partner to be moved again as where he is works for us I'm hoping he's been placed where he should be until his sentence is up but I don't know what the reasoning for moving would be.
im glad your son has been able to have his own space, has a job now and is settled, it's crazy how different these prisons can be .. honestly my partner has been very lucky from the sounds of it although he is sharing a cell, he gets on with his pad mate and other people on the wing, the food is alright apparently and they put him on a course within the first 2 weeks him being there and he was meant to start another one today .. I'm trying to look at the positives of it all but him not being here is still so raw xx
I can only imagine how unsettling it is for him to have been moved, it's not something I've experienced. The situation sounds much better for him than the prison he was in previously?
I'm 10.5 months in. 9.5 to go and it continues to be a roller coaster but the ups and downs are less dramatic now. I think everyone's experience of prison is completely different both because each prison is different but what each person needs is different and that is true for both the prisoner and those on the outside. All I can say is from my experience, we've found a rhythm. He works, goes to the gym and chaplaincy. He also got a new pad mate and they have arrangements whereby they take it in turns on going out for yard to give the other one space (although my person is out of the cell a lot more than his pad mate). My person calls when his pad mate is out so he can talk openly (he calls other times too but saves difficult conversation for then). They've both made some compromises to create a system that works for them.
It wasn't always like this, he resisted work just because he hated he didn't get a say, he didn't want to go to chaplaincy (he mediates now on his own there rather than attends the service) and his previous cell mate defecated regularly all over himself, the bed, the toilet and when he tried to clean it up he made more of a mess because he was partially sighted. He hit some low points and I had many nights worrying about him, but his mental health and how he might physically respond but between us we got through it - I did have to put a call into the Safer Custody Team once because I was genuinely worried about him and he put a call into the Mental Health Wellbeing number his has access to - Of course that's not easy when you can't have a private conversation though.
I did have a very low period over Christmas, it was extremely hard and I decided to seek help from my doctor. This was when I realised I needed to put myself first if not I'd be broken and not be able to support him - I desperately want there to be an us, but without a me there can't be an us.
At the beginning I found it helpful to put small things to look forward to in the diary - Never too far out but just within sight to allow me to focus on a different kind of time frame. I'm now able to look a bit further ahead for things to look forward to.
I did a post about different ways I try to keep connected to my person - They won't work for everyone but there are a few ideas on there.
I'm 10.5 months in. 9.5 to go and it continues to be a roller coaster but the ups and downs are less dramatic now. I think everyone's experience of prison is completely different both because each prison is different but what each person needs is different and that is true for both the prisoner and those on the outside. All I can say is from my experience, we've found a rhythm. He works, goes to the gym and chaplaincy. He also got a new pad mate and they have arrangements whereby they take it in turns on going out for yard to give the other one space (although my person is out of the cell a lot more than his pad mate). My person calls when his pad mate is out so he can talk openly (he calls other times too but saves difficult conversation for then). They've both made some compromises to create a system that works for them.
It wasn't always like this, he resisted work just because he hated he didn't get a say, he didn't want to go to chaplaincy (he mediates now on his own there rather than attends the service) and his previous cell mate defecated regularly all over himself, the bed, the toilet and when he tried to clean it up he made more of a mess because he was partially sighted. He hit some low points and I had many nights worrying about him, but his mental health and how he might physically respond but between us we got through it - I did have to put a call into the Safer Custody Team once because I was genuinely worried about him and he put a call into the Mental Health Wellbeing number his has access to - Of course that's not easy when you can't have a private conversation though.
I did have a very low period over Christmas, it was extremely hard and I decided to seek help from my doctor. This was when I realised I needed to put myself first if not I'd be broken and not be able to support him - I desperately want there to be an us, but without a me there can't be an us.
At the beginning I found it helpful to put small things to look forward to in the diary - Never too far out but just within sight to allow me to focus on a different kind of time frame. I'm now able to look a bit further ahead for things to look forward to.
I did a post about different ways I try to keep connected to my person - They won't work for everyone but there are a few ideas on there.
Hi SAL,
thank you for responding I've been following your journey and I'm so glad there's not much time left for you, over half way now!
my partner has been lucky that both prisons he's been in haven't been awful from what he's said so I think settling for him has been a breeze, he's a very strong headed person especially after receiving all the help he did outside so I know he'll be okay but it's not being able to be as open as we'd like that worry's me about him. We've had some good, open conversations though and he does the same where he will wait until his pad mate goes out or is alone in the corridor if he wants to say anything, he'll also put it in a letter too.
I'm sorry to hear you had a hard time over Christmas and I'm hoping you are feeling stronger now! I completely agree with the looking after yourself first to ensure we can support them, I've really tried to do that the last two months as I really want us to get through this.. but this month is hard after his prison move and then on top of that its my birthday soon and he had planned something for us that we can't attend, his mum wants me to still go and has been trying to force me to still go saying I need to go do things but it's something I wanted to do with him and no one else. It sounds so silly but I just about manage to get myself up to go to work or the gym or shopping now, I don't have the strength to go to a big event that was planned for the both of us, without him xx
thank you for responding I've been following your journey and I'm so glad there's not much time left for you, over half way now!
my partner has been lucky that both prisons he's been in haven't been awful from what he's said so I think settling for him has been a breeze, he's a very strong headed person especially after receiving all the help he did outside so I know he'll be okay but it's not being able to be as open as we'd like that worry's me about him. We've had some good, open conversations though and he does the same where he will wait until his pad mate goes out or is alone in the corridor if he wants to say anything, he'll also put it in a letter too.
I'm sorry to hear you had a hard time over Christmas and I'm hoping you are feeling stronger now! I completely agree with the looking after yourself first to ensure we can support them, I've really tried to do that the last two months as I really want us to get through this.. but this month is hard after his prison move and then on top of that its my birthday soon and he had planned something for us that we can't attend, his mum wants me to still go and has been trying to force me to still go saying I need to go do things but it's something I wanted to do with him and no one else. It sounds so silly but I just about manage to get myself up to go to work or the gym or shopping now, I don't have the strength to go to a big event that was planned for the both of us, without him xx
It's not daft at all to feel that way and you'll know as and when the time is right to push yourself a bit more. You are doing a great job doing those things and you should be proud of yourself.There are times that going to work wiped everything out of me and I just needed to go to bed as soon as I got home.
With some encouragement I pushed myself to do a few things (a sport event and a weekend away) that I wasn't sure I was ready for, while I "achieved" them and the training helped me focus on something and get a routine - The following days/weeks I was broken and thought I'd lost who I was. I now have a bit of a fear of doing things because they've not ended well, but I think I'm turning the corner on that and realising I need to take things as and when I'm ready and that it's okay to have boundaries and limits.
I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to do what he'd arranged for your birthday. Special occasions are difficult, but they pass and I'll cherish the future ones we'll get to share.
Although this is undoubtedly a hard situation, you do deserve to find some happiness in the next 12 months, even if that feels impossible right now.
With some encouragement I pushed myself to do a few things (a sport event and a weekend away) that I wasn't sure I was ready for, while I "achieved" them and the training helped me focus on something and get a routine - The following days/weeks I was broken and thought I'd lost who I was. I now have a bit of a fear of doing things because they've not ended well, but I think I'm turning the corner on that and realising I need to take things as and when I'm ready and that it's okay to have boundaries and limits.
I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to do what he'd arranged for your birthday. Special occasions are difficult, but they pass and I'll cherish the future ones we'll get to share.
Although this is undoubtedly a hard situation, you do deserve to find some happiness in the next 12 months, even if that feels impossible right now.
Thank you SAL,
I've been made to feel bad for not wanting to do them things by his family this weekend and although I know they probably mean well by wanting me to go out and celebrate my birthday, it's just not something I want to do without him. So Im doing baby steps each week to ensure I'm not stuck in the house all the time but anything other than that I'll happily wait for because like you said we can do them in the future and cherish them moments more with our person! He'll be out literally days before my birthday next year so I'm in no rush to celebrate this one I'll happily wait to celebrate next years. the big events are just too much especially after only 2 months, I still havent wrapped my head around most of this all yet.
after his offence I lost myself looking after him so I'm hoping to use the next 12 months to regain me again, once we're settled into our routine I know I'll be able to focus on me more but it really does feel like it takes forever xx
I've been made to feel bad for not wanting to do them things by his family this weekend and although I know they probably mean well by wanting me to go out and celebrate my birthday, it's just not something I want to do without him. So Im doing baby steps each week to ensure I'm not stuck in the house all the time but anything other than that I'll happily wait for because like you said we can do them in the future and cherish them moments more with our person! He'll be out literally days before my birthday next year so I'm in no rush to celebrate this one I'll happily wait to celebrate next years. the big events are just too much especially after only 2 months, I still havent wrapped my head around most of this all yet.
after his offence I lost myself looking after him so I'm hoping to use the next 12 months to regain me again, once we're settled into our routine I know I'll be able to focus on me more but it really does feel like it takes forever xx
The prison system really is so slow. Using the next 12 months to focus on you is a great idea and will probably help your relationship in the future to, especially when you've given him so much. Until things are settled, don't beat yourself up for worrying about him, know that in time it will settle, there will be ups and downs but you'll feel calmer and so will he. I wouldn't have ever believed that if you'd told me this months ago.
My person is out a day before a big birthday of mine. It will literally be the best birthday present ever, but obviously not at all how I'd have liked to have spent it. I was listening to The Seret Life of Prisons podcasts one of the hosts Paula says that prison makes up look at things differently - That things like money, status, possession become unimportant - It's shout family and loved ones. She's a ex prisioners, but I think the same is true for us on the outside to some extent - I'm looking forward to falling asleep and waking up with him, eating dinner and walking the dogs together, the other stuff somehow seems a lot less important to me now.
My person is out a day before a big birthday of mine. It will literally be the best birthday present ever, but obviously not at all how I'd have liked to have spent it. I was listening to The Seret Life of Prisons podcasts one of the hosts Paula says that prison makes up look at things differently - That things like money, status, possession become unimportant - It's shout family and loved ones. She's a ex prisioners, but I think the same is true for us on the outside to some extent - I'm looking forward to falling asleep and waking up with him, eating dinner and walking the dogs together, the other stuff somehow seems a lot less important to me now.
Hi Leesha - I think prisoners are moved round for many reasons. Numbers, availability of jobs and length of sentence.
It is frustrating as they just say pack your stuff your being moved tomo, with no explanation given. I think it's quite cruel to not only them but families too......
It is frustrating as they just say pack your stuff your being moved tomo, with no explanation given. I think it's quite cruel to not only them but families too......
I'm hoping it will all settle soon because the struggle is real I just want to get through the 12 months and move on, im so looking forward for him being home and sleeping in the same bed again and going for walks and just being in each others company. I don't care about anything materialistic I never have but I know I'll cherish the time together more when he's home.
And smile through tears, oh so fingers crossed he will stay where he is then as he's already got courses and jobs by the sounds of it and with the sentence length he's serving he should be there as far as I'm aware.
And tell me about it with it being cruel! He was told to pack his stuff that day and everyone else being moved was able to make a call but him as he was the last, the gaurd said he would ring me but no one did. Luckily my partner had put credit on his phone before leaving so he was able to ring me the next day from the new prison other wise I wouldn't of known anything for over a week! But we we're both heartbroken it was like day 1 all over again Xx
And smile through tears, oh so fingers crossed he will stay where he is then as he's already got courses and jobs by the sounds of it and with the sentence length he's serving he should be there as far as I'm aware.
And tell me about it with it being cruel! He was told to pack his stuff that day and everyone else being moved was able to make a call but him as he was the last, the gaurd said he would ring me but no one did. Luckily my partner had put credit on his phone before leaving so he was able to ring me the next day from the new prison other wise I wouldn't of known anything for over a week! But we we're both heartbroken it was like day 1 all over again Xx
I can completely understand wanting to just get through the months. I normally hate how fast time flies but I'm willing the months away. Life in many ways feels on hold, but time passes quicker when busy.
Prison moves do seem very cruel. I hope he stays where he is so you can get into your rhythm and visit regularly.
I had an unexpected call this morning - Makes me worry, I immediately think something has happened. Thankfully its nothing to worry about.
Prison moves do seem very cruel. I hope he stays where he is so you can get into your rhythm and visit regularly.
I had an unexpected call this morning - Makes me worry, I immediately think something has happened. Thankfully its nothing to worry about.
Oh me too, I know when these months go by I'll want time to stop again and enjoy every moment haha but I completely agree with life on hold until this is over, once we're in a rhythm my weeks will be busy I have a plan already so fingers crossed the time really will fly by! I've done the same as you said in one of your previous posts breaking it into monthly blocks.. I have 2 lots of 5 months then 4 months at the end doesn't seem so overwhelming when you look at it like that
unexpected things don't help with our anxiety do they! Thank god it was nothing, I'm counting down the hours to our video call tonight xx
unexpected things don't help with our anxiety do they! Thank god it was nothing, I'm counting down the hours to our video call tonight xx
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I'm really sorry you haven't seen him in 2 years, I can't imagine how hard that must be I'm sending so much love to you, yes I agree with making the best out of a bad situation, it's not forever and they will come home to us.
im very grateful for the education my partner is receiving and will continue to get so I also feel the same about the treatment programs and stuff, I really want him to come out a better man and have his head in the right place
on the plus side, this morning I was really struggling to get out of bed but you lovely ladies have picked me up and I managed to do abit of decorating as I'm completely changing our house before he gets out haha xx
im very grateful for the education my partner is receiving and will continue to get so I also feel the same about the treatment programs and stuff, I really want him to come out a better man and have his head in the right place
on the plus side, this morning I was really struggling to get out of bed but you lovely ladies have picked me up and I managed to do abit of decorating as I'm completely changing our house before he gets out haha xx
Yay, well done on the decorating front that's great. I find weekends the hardest, I lay in bed not feeling like getting up. I've started making a list of things the night begire, that I want to get done - I add it to my calendar. I've found that's helped.
Smile, have you looked into perhaps doing video calls with your son?
Smile, have you looked into perhaps doing video calls with your son?
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Smile - I didn't realise it has been 2 years since you saw your son. That must be so hard for you. Is this through choice or because of the trouble it would cause if the family found out. This journey is shit for all of us. Xx
Mandymoo - in one word YES. Family ......
Smile - I really feel for you being in the position you are. Xx