Not Posted For A While - World Falling Apart
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So I used the forum a lot when my partner first admitted to me that he has used IIOC for many years and that he had a large collection. This happened within two weeks of us actually dating (but we spoke online for around 3-4 months before that). When it first came out, I was hurt, confused, angry, and upset. I stayed with him and tried to understand why (He has Asperger's which plays a large part in it, and have had SIN support stating there is a correlation). My housemate threw me out, and one of my best friends said we couldn't be friends anymore (at my mother's funeral of all days, which my mum passed away a day after I learned about partner, and was in jail when she passed).
Over the months I have come to terms with things - it has now been 18 months. However, May lasy year I was again arrested and RUI (originally bail) because I stupidly used my work laptop to google CP (in hopes of checking the blocks I put on our router (to stop partner searching in case he had thoughts) and it was obviously flagged.) I am still RUI and have just lost an amazing job because I lied about it and told manager - I am fighting the dismissal.
Some of my close friends know about the situation, and although unhappy with it, have stated they will stay in my life but don't wish to meet my partner (which is fair). My other best friend (for around 16-17 years) and I have had a secret friendship because her family don't agree with my decisions. She has tried to sway my mind and in all fairness, I have threatened to leave multiple times but I never find the strength to. Tonight, she told me that she cannot be friends with someone who wants to be with someone who is a vile human being (I have said the same at times, but I have taken the time to understand his reasoning and usually only use this against him when I am super angry).
Don't get me wrong - I realise I am an idiot for staying, especially since I barely knew him but I have my own mental healh and it's difficult for me to see toxic situations and leave them. Even my therapist has said that I need to step back. Now, we have had his requisiton and postal charge (over 3,000 images of all categories - 1 being child and animal seen as realistic). I am disgusted by his charges, and understand that he is going to be sentenced. He has to attend Magistrates on Friday, and then we will learn when it will go to Crown Court.
All of this is a lot for me. I don't feel that I have the strength to leave him, and although I know I should (it's not always the best relationship and controlling on both ends at times, and physical) I do actually love him and I want him to get better and for him to show that he is taking steps to get better and understand more why he has done what he has. One point I need to make - his ex KNOWS that he has done this and never reported it, and I feel she is to blame for me going through this as if she had reported it - I would not be here now!
I need advice. I know I need to leave for my own sake - I cannot have the RUI following me like a black cloud (nothing will be found and I hate it's been dragged on), and I shouldn't be risking my jobs because of it. I am losing friends (who if in this position I would slap silly and beg them to leave). But because of my own mental health and not having a stable upbringing (no dad, moved around a lot, bullied for over 20 years, groomed and molested at 14), I feel that he is comfort for me and that I will not find anyone else after.
I am at a complete loss as to what to do, and sometimes I feel I would be better off if I just didn't have to wake up the next day and deal with all of this! For those that finished reading this essay - Thank you!
Over the months I have come to terms with things - it has now been 18 months. However, May lasy year I was again arrested and RUI (originally bail) because I stupidly used my work laptop to google CP (in hopes of checking the blocks I put on our router (to stop partner searching in case he had thoughts) and it was obviously flagged.) I am still RUI and have just lost an amazing job because I lied about it and told manager - I am fighting the dismissal.
Some of my close friends know about the situation, and although unhappy with it, have stated they will stay in my life but don't wish to meet my partner (which is fair). My other best friend (for around 16-17 years) and I have had a secret friendship because her family don't agree with my decisions. She has tried to sway my mind and in all fairness, I have threatened to leave multiple times but I never find the strength to. Tonight, she told me that she cannot be friends with someone who wants to be with someone who is a vile human being (I have said the same at times, but I have taken the time to understand his reasoning and usually only use this against him when I am super angry).
Don't get me wrong - I realise I am an idiot for staying, especially since I barely knew him but I have my own mental healh and it's difficult for me to see toxic situations and leave them. Even my therapist has said that I need to step back. Now, we have had his requisiton and postal charge (over 3,000 images of all categories - 1 being child and animal seen as realistic). I am disgusted by his charges, and understand that he is going to be sentenced. He has to attend Magistrates on Friday, and then we will learn when it will go to Crown Court.
All of this is a lot for me. I don't feel that I have the strength to leave him, and although I know I should (it's not always the best relationship and controlling on both ends at times, and physical) I do actually love him and I want him to get better and for him to show that he is taking steps to get better and understand more why he has done what he has. One point I need to make - his ex KNOWS that he has done this and never reported it, and I feel she is to blame for me going through this as if she had reported it - I would not be here now!
I need advice. I know I need to leave for my own sake - I cannot have the RUI following me like a black cloud (nothing will be found and I hate it's been dragged on), and I shouldn't be risking my jobs because of it. I am losing friends (who if in this position I would slap silly and beg them to leave). But because of my own mental health and not having a stable upbringing (no dad, moved around a lot, bullied for over 20 years, groomed and molested at 14), I feel that he is comfort for me and that I will not find anyone else after.
I am at a complete loss as to what to do, and sometimes I feel I would be better off if I just didn't have to wake up the next day and deal with all of this! For those that finished reading this essay - Thank you!
CharmzNewman you're not alone. I wish I could offer some advice but just wanted to let you know I read all of your post. Send you strength. X
Hey Charmz,
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Firstly I want to say you absolutely would NOT be better off not being here, I know life is tough for you right now but it can get better and people would be devastated to lose you.
I understand the struggle to leave and have been through that in the past, it feels as though your world would end to leave but if you was watching your relationship play out on TV you would tell those characters to leave and move on, life isn't so simple huh? I feel like you've got a lot going on and you could do to take a step back and write down all your thoughts and feelings and work out exactly what you want to come from all of this, what's your desired outcome, is this attainable, etc. and plot out your next moves and goals. Progress is slow, Rome was not built in a day but you will come out the other side.
I understand I have no idea about your situation or feelings other than what you've written but from my outside perspective it does seem as though your partner has brought a lot of trouble to your life and you should perhaps consider if he is really worth continuing a relationship with. It's difficult sometimes to imagine a life with someone else or move on and you think there is nobody else out there for you but there always is. Life is very short and people are fickle, we should not sacrifice so much of ourselves for others and ultimately it is ourselves who suffer the most, we should try and enjoy life as much as we possibly can and unfortunately not everyone helps contribute to that.
I hope your troubles get better soon, you're not alone xx
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Firstly I want to say you absolutely would NOT be better off not being here, I know life is tough for you right now but it can get better and people would be devastated to lose you.
I understand the struggle to leave and have been through that in the past, it feels as though your world would end to leave but if you was watching your relationship play out on TV you would tell those characters to leave and move on, life isn't so simple huh? I feel like you've got a lot going on and you could do to take a step back and write down all your thoughts and feelings and work out exactly what you want to come from all of this, what's your desired outcome, is this attainable, etc. and plot out your next moves and goals. Progress is slow, Rome was not built in a day but you will come out the other side.
I understand I have no idea about your situation or feelings other than what you've written but from my outside perspective it does seem as though your partner has brought a lot of trouble to your life and you should perhaps consider if he is really worth continuing a relationship with. It's difficult sometimes to imagine a life with someone else or move on and you think there is nobody else out there for you but there always is. Life is very short and people are fickle, we should not sacrifice so much of ourselves for others and ultimately it is ourselves who suffer the most, we should try and enjoy life as much as we possibly can and unfortunately not everyone helps contribute to that.
I hope your troubles get better soon, you're not alone xx
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Charmz
I get the strong impression from the tone of your post that you feel you need permission to leave your partner. No one here can tell you what to do, but I'm sure all of us would say listen to what your gut feelings are telling you and do what you have to do to save yourself.
I get the strong impression from the tone of your post that you feel you need permission to leave your partner. No one here can tell you what to do, but I'm sure all of us would say listen to what your gut feelings are telling you and do what you have to do to save yourself.