Betrayal
Notifications OFFPost deleted by user
Hi RIG,
I'm sorry you're struggling. I can't really help with this scenario exactly but I can defo sympathise with the recklessness that men seem to have within them for a quick thrill. I have no idea what drives some of them to do the things they do. You can give some men the world with a cherry on top wearing the most expensive lingerie set from Victoria's Secret and it still isn't enough! I hope you're okay, sending love xxx
I'm sorry you're struggling. I can't really help with this scenario exactly but I can defo sympathise with the recklessness that men seem to have within them for a quick thrill. I have no idea what drives some of them to do the things they do. You can give some men the world with a cherry on top wearing the most expensive lingerie set from Victoria's Secret and it still isn't enough! I hope you're okay, sending love xxx
I struggle a lot with my husbands betrayal, not only was he arrested for iioc using kik but he was also cheating on me with men. Which hurts me so much and I can feel it eating me up inside I feel totally humiliated. He lost his job and has just started a new one at the moment I feel like I have to keep how I feel to myself because I don't want it to affect his new job.
Hi RIG,
No one can tell you what to do.... but if you're asking for my opinion I will offer it( with the best intentions) if it was me I would leave this man who as disrespected you for so long. There are no valid excuses to have sex with someone else when you are married and for me this would be unforgivable even without his investigation into offences against children. He has crossed too many lines and you don't deserve to suffer in the way that you are. I understand your feelings about how hard it is at our age to have all your plans for retirement ruined etc. but you can and will still have a future. Tell your friends what has happened and get the support that you need and I'm sure they will help you move forward. I can't remember if you have children and if you have if you've disclosed everything to them? If you haven't tell them everything and I'm sure they will help you. For me, it was a huge relief to tell people and I really don't care that he didn't want anyone to know. Start making plans for YOUR future because that's all that really matters. He's responsible for his actions and how this affects his future.
I don't mean to sound harsh , but I get so cross when I read on here how terribly women are treated by the person who says they love them. You can do this , you can wash your hands of all his deceit and offences and walk away. He can deal with it cos it's all HIS fault. When you married him you didn't promise to stay if he slept with other women and committed offences against children!!
sorry I'm ranting again but I do want you to move forward and find a new happiness xx
No one can tell you what to do.... but if you're asking for my opinion I will offer it( with the best intentions) if it was me I would leave this man who as disrespected you for so long. There are no valid excuses to have sex with someone else when you are married and for me this would be unforgivable even without his investigation into offences against children. He has crossed too many lines and you don't deserve to suffer in the way that you are. I understand your feelings about how hard it is at our age to have all your plans for retirement ruined etc. but you can and will still have a future. Tell your friends what has happened and get the support that you need and I'm sure they will help you move forward. I can't remember if you have children and if you have if you've disclosed everything to them? If you haven't tell them everything and I'm sure they will help you. For me, it was a huge relief to tell people and I really don't care that he didn't want anyone to know. Start making plans for YOUR future because that's all that really matters. He's responsible for his actions and how this affects his future.
I don't mean to sound harsh , but I get so cross when I read on here how terribly women are treated by the person who says they love them. You can do this , you can wash your hands of all his deceit and offences and walk away. He can deal with it cos it's all HIS fault. When you married him you didn't promise to stay if he slept with other women and committed offences against children!!
sorry I'm ranting again but I do want you to move forward and find a new happiness xx
I recently read a book by Vanessa Frake, who used to be the governor of a women's prison (Holloway) and a men's prison (Wormwood Scrubs). She observed that the female prisoners were always worrying about other people on the outside; family, children etc. While the male prisoners only ever thought about themselves.
For whatever reason; biology, upbringing, societal expectations, men are just more selfish than women.
For whatever reason; biology, upbringing, societal expectations, men are just more selfish than women.
Post deleted
Rig
Wise words from Helpme
I am caught in a similar limbo, although I don't believe my OH has done anything illegal, not intentionally anyway, I feel betrayed about the porn and resentful about all the time he spent on his laptop with me thinking he was working, when he could havd been helping out with the kids and the housework. Very selfish. So I m at the point where I think I'm not sure if I love him any more, but I do care about him enough to worry about what would happen to him if I left. And, perhaps selfishly, I know I would miss the trappings of this partnership if I left, the nice house, the garden, the area we live in.
It's a bind.
Wise words from Helpme
I am caught in a similar limbo, although I don't believe my OH has done anything illegal, not intentionally anyway, I feel betrayed about the porn and resentful about all the time he spent on his laptop with me thinking he was working, when he could havd been helping out with the kids and the housework. Very selfish. So I m at the point where I think I'm not sure if I love him any more, but I do care about him enough to worry about what would happen to him if I left. And, perhaps selfishly, I know I would miss the trappings of this partnership if I left, the nice house, the garden, the area we live in.
It's a bind.
Evening RIG22
I am sorry you are feeling so down but only you can decide on what is right for you
So much good advice from others on here
My situation is not the same as my son is the offender, xx
This journey is horrendous and full of sadness and so much uncertainty But we have one shot at life ,
When you look in the mirror what do you see
Eyes dark and empty, red and swollen from crying, a heart that aches with sadness, the brain pounding because it is so undecided on what to do,
This is your life, you have done nothing wrong to start again seems such a huge mountain to climb but you can do it just small steps at a time and if you choose to stay then that can only be your decision to do so and the road ahead will be bumpy but small steps at a time you could rebuild
Sorry not much advise but you have the strength to do what is right for you xxx
I am sorry you are feeling so down but only you can decide on what is right for you
So much good advice from others on here
My situation is not the same as my son is the offender, xx
This journey is horrendous and full of sadness and so much uncertainty But we have one shot at life ,
When you look in the mirror what do you see
Eyes dark and empty, red and swollen from crying, a heart that aches with sadness, the brain pounding because it is so undecided on what to do,
This is your life, you have done nothing wrong to start again seems such a huge mountain to climb but you can do it just small steps at a time and if you choose to stay then that can only be your decision to do so and the road ahead will be bumpy but small steps at a time you could rebuild
Sorry not much advise but you have the strength to do what is right for you xxx
I have stayed with my oh. At times I think what am I doing and some times I completely hate him for doing this to us. He had everything he ever needed but a secret porn addiction due to childhood trauma that he also kept to himself lead to where we are. I know how much I have struggled with all of this how it's made me feel about myself but I know myself that if he had physically cheated on me there would be no way back.both him and myself know that I would leave if I decided to but at the moment we are slowly moving in the right direction sentencing has happened for us social services are slowly getting out of our lives and deep down as much as I have hate for him at times I know I love him enough to give him that second chance and as it has been said abit further up I love our family unit that person there that even though he has done all this to us he has always been there for me and our children and provides for us I don't want to lose that security our home mine and the children's lives and routines. There's only you who knows if you can slowly forgive and find a way of moving forward. The way I looked at it recently before sentencing was if he got sent down how would I feel about him not being here would I be relieved or suffer and I realized that I absolutely dreaded the idea of him leaving my life.
Thank you so much all of you for your input. It really does mean a lot. I have no one I can or want to confide I as I'm so ashamed of what he's done. I know if found out my friends partner had committed such an offence then I too wouldn't feel comfortable having them around my children or grandchildren so it's best not to tell anyone and just keep our distance. People think I have abandoned them. I haven't but they don't know why I won't let them visit or visit them.
Reading all your posts helps because I don't feel alone so thank you to each and everyone of you.
You were all very honest with your viewpoints and that's the best way to be. Theres been enough lies in our lives already.
Why do I not leave? I've thought about this since the knock but couldn't work it out. I guess firstly it was the shock and then the fear sets in. Fear of what OH did and how that would impact relationships with family and friends, the fear of what the police would find or so. The fear of him losing his job, losing our home etc.
I think what stops me is the belief that if my OH can do this then anyone can do it. What have I got to look forward to (rhetorical)? Kids are all grown up and gone. When family and friends find out they too may abandon me and I'll be alone. If I leave I'll lose my home and the financial security I have at the moment. Selfish I know but I've put my life and career and needs on hold for years so he could progress with his career and now if I walk away, I'm sure it wouldn't take long for someone else to walk in and enjoy the fruits of my hard work and sacrifices.
I don't think I love him. I think I'm more afraid of being alone and having nothing. The way I see it is, if I've lost the loving relationship I believed I had then the lifestyle has to be the compensation(?). I sound very manipulative and conniving but I've had so much s**t to deal with that I now feel I should think long term and what's best for me at my age. X
Reading all your posts helps because I don't feel alone so thank you to each and everyone of you.
You were all very honest with your viewpoints and that's the best way to be. Theres been enough lies in our lives already.
Why do I not leave? I've thought about this since the knock but couldn't work it out. I guess firstly it was the shock and then the fear sets in. Fear of what OH did and how that would impact relationships with family and friends, the fear of what the police would find or so. The fear of him losing his job, losing our home etc.
I think what stops me is the belief that if my OH can do this then anyone can do it. What have I got to look forward to (rhetorical)? Kids are all grown up and gone. When family and friends find out they too may abandon me and I'll be alone. If I leave I'll lose my home and the financial security I have at the moment. Selfish I know but I've put my life and career and needs on hold for years so he could progress with his career and now if I walk away, I'm sure it wouldn't take long for someone else to walk in and enjoy the fruits of my hard work and sacrifices.
I don't think I love him. I think I'm more afraid of being alone and having nothing. The way I see it is, if I've lost the loving relationship I believed I had then the lifestyle has to be the compensation(?). I sound very manipulative and conniving but I've had so much s**t to deal with that I now feel I should think long term and what's best for me at my age. X
RIG22, I'm sorry that you're struggling. Sometimes when making decisions, I imagine myself aged 90, sitting in a nursing home and I have a chat with my 90 year old self about all the things I stress about now - the big things and the little things. Looking at life from the perspective of someone with not much of it left often helps to give me clarity.
Maybe you're not quite ready to leave, although it sounds as if deepdown you want to. Don't stay because there's no alternative - there could be a whole new life waiting out there xx
Maybe you're not quite ready to leave, although it sounds as if deepdown you want to. Don't stay because there's no alternative - there could be a whole new life waiting out there xx
RIG, I really understand how you are feeling and my heart breaks for you, you are in an awful postion which is non of your making.
I too spent most of my married life being a wife and mother and having virtually no career and right now probably nothing much to fall back on. The selfish deeds of our partners, their disregard for our feelings and lack of respect for us means that we are now facing a life we never throught we would at a time in our lives when we were probabaly looking forward to retiring and grandchildren.
Try to live each day and moment as it comes, you have time to make decisions and make them selfishly, thinking of what you want to do. He did exactly the same thing, thought only of his own sexual gratification, so you have nothing to feel guilty for.
I too spent most of my married life being a wife and mother and having virtually no career and right now probably nothing much to fall back on. The selfish deeds of our partners, their disregard for our feelings and lack of respect for us means that we are now facing a life we never throught we would at a time in our lives when we were probabaly looking forward to retiring and grandchildren.
Try to live each day and moment as it comes, you have time to make decisions and make them selfishly, thinking of what you want to do. He did exactly the same thing, thought only of his own sexual gratification, so you have nothing to feel guilty for.
RIG I feel sad that you feel you need to stay. Our situations sound similar but my kids are still at home so husband can't come home, and I've told him I want a divorce. But similar situation, my husband's offence was also communication (decoys) and had sex with others. He was a high earner, we'd been working towards what would have been a comfortable retirement, and we've nearly paid off the mortgage. I have no idea who he is now though. I cannot reconcile what he did with the person I thought he was. And the betrayal of having sex with other women. He was struggling to cope, but that is no excuse for what he did. He wasn't thinking about our kids or me. This went on for 2 years, it wasn't a temporary madness. He has lost his job, fortunately he's found somewhere to live and has savings to live on. I still care about him, but I know I wouldn't be able to be intimate with him and I will resent him for a long time for the changes this has brought to our lives. Sometimes I think when the kids have left home that maybe we could try again but I don't think it is fair to him to even voice that, and I'm also very aware that men tend to move on quicker and I'm sure he'll find someone else in the meantime. I'm lucky I have the kids at home and a dog, but I actually feel less alone now than I did when my husband was living at home. I never want to be in a position where I am reliant on another person. I don't think I can ever trust another man, but I'd rather be on my own. I also feel too old to start again though I know it can happen, my mum was in her mid-60s when she met her last husband (that sounds like she had loads but she was widowed at 45 and remarried but divorced before meeting the last one) I have some amazingly supportive friends. I do feel resentment that my later life is not going to be what I thought it would be and that I'm the one left with all the responsibility for the kids, but I'm fortunate that I'm working and I can just about manage the bills.
Thank you Lou for sharing your thoughts, it's really resonated with me, why did they have to be so selfish x
Why, indeed! I find it so hard to fathom why they don't think about the consequences of doing something like this. My husband has lost his career, family, home, wife, friends. Because he was stressed and not getting enough sex at home.
I don't think there is an easy answer to staying or leaving but I do think relationships should be about mutual respect. If my husband had told me everything at the beginning, or had made an effort to fix things between us, or made more of an effort to deal with why he offended, things may be different. But he let me find out the worst of his offending in court when he was sentenced.
I don't think there is an easy answer to staying or leaving but I do think relationships should be about mutual respect. If my husband had told me everything at the beginning, or had made an effort to fix things between us, or made more of an effort to deal with why he offended, things may be different. But he let me find out the worst of his offending in court when he was sentenced.
I'm sorry you had to find everything out at the last point, my person still insists of his innocence even though found guilty. So it's hard, I have social services involved again now but we are both struggling with the incompetence of the other agency's so it's hard to even think about moving forward, I'm just trying to do what's right for the kids! Do you have to supervise the contact your children have with thier dad?
Lola your message made me smile. When I think of leaving I always think of me in 10/15 years times and think would I still think I made the right decision? Right now, I don't know. Maybe when the police/cps come back to us then it would be easier to decide or have it decided for me.
Mywholeworld you are so right about men and their instant gratification. Like you, I don't have much to fall back on I have up my career a few years ago due to health reasons. He talked me into it because he didn't want my condition to deteriorate. He told me I need not worry about anything. He would take care of us and that we could more than manage especially now the kids were all grown up. Only if I had known what kind of "care" awaited me! I so regret giving up work as I'm now solely dependent on him. I've never claimed so wouldnt even know where to start. I want to leave but don't know where I'd go. Kids want me to stay with them but I know that isn't a solution and they'd soon get tired of having me and I would miss my independence/space. The case is now with cps. Depending on what happens next, I may have my decision made for me.
Loulou thank you for sharing your experience. I know from a previous post of yours that our situations were very similar. My OH was seeing other women for 3 years. He tells me he had actually only met 3 although he tried to arrange meets with more. The sad and pathetic part is the women he did have sex with we're not his usual type or ones he found attractive. It was more a case of "they were the ones that actually turned up"!! He'd arranged to meet others but was always stood up so when they did show up then it didn't matter what they looked like. It was game on!. Some he turned up to meet were probably not even women because they never sent him a photo. Instead they just described themselves and of course him being a typical man (apologies for generalising) thought a women younger than his own kids would be interested in him made him feel "desired". He would wait outside station for ages and then drive back all the while I was waiting for him at home. He had all of me but that just wasn't enough. It makes me cringe when I think of the desperation he showed.
One other thing that keeps me from leaving is his willingness to apologise and made things better. Don't get me wrong, whilst it's great that he's so eager to please and hold onto me, I'm not the fool I once was. I'm going to take my time and see how things unfold. Shouldn't be too long now before we hear back from the cps.
Thank you all you lovely ladies for being there. Sending hugs and strength. Xxx
Mywholeworld you are so right about men and their instant gratification. Like you, I don't have much to fall back on I have up my career a few years ago due to health reasons. He talked me into it because he didn't want my condition to deteriorate. He told me I need not worry about anything. He would take care of us and that we could more than manage especially now the kids were all grown up. Only if I had known what kind of "care" awaited me! I so regret giving up work as I'm now solely dependent on him. I've never claimed so wouldnt even know where to start. I want to leave but don't know where I'd go. Kids want me to stay with them but I know that isn't a solution and they'd soon get tired of having me and I would miss my independence/space. The case is now with cps. Depending on what happens next, I may have my decision made for me.
Loulou thank you for sharing your experience. I know from a previous post of yours that our situations were very similar. My OH was seeing other women for 3 years. He tells me he had actually only met 3 although he tried to arrange meets with more. The sad and pathetic part is the women he did have sex with we're not his usual type or ones he found attractive. It was more a case of "they were the ones that actually turned up"!! He'd arranged to meet others but was always stood up so when they did show up then it didn't matter what they looked like. It was game on!. Some he turned up to meet were probably not even women because they never sent him a photo. Instead they just described themselves and of course him being a typical man (apologies for generalising) thought a women younger than his own kids would be interested in him made him feel "desired". He would wait outside station for ages and then drive back all the while I was waiting for him at home. He had all of me but that just wasn't enough. It makes me cringe when I think of the desperation he showed.
One other thing that keeps me from leaving is his willingness to apologise and made things better. Don't get me wrong, whilst it's great that he's so eager to please and hold onto me, I'm not the fool I once was. I'm going to take my time and see how things unfold. Shouldn't be too long now before we hear back from the cps.
Thank you all you lovely ladies for being there. Sending hugs and strength. Xxx
Summer - yes I supervise contact twice a week. We still haven't heard from ss since sentencing. I guess as the kids are older and they know we're no longer in a relationship, we're not a priority. It'd make life easier for my youngest if we could have some unsupervised contact. He's considered low risk but who knows what ss think.
RIG - there is no rush to make a decision. We're post sentencing so it felt the right time as we knew what we were dealing with and the impact on family life also played a part in the decision. Whatever you decide, make sure it's for you, not him.