How difficult is it to talk ?
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So my oh was arrested in November for downloading 1 cat A and 3 Cat b, he's been released under investigation) sorry I don't know all the abbreviations), he hasn't returned to the our family home , I have children still at home & grandchildren, we've been married for over 30 years , I've managed to stop crying every day now , I'm at work busy with kids ...but he's desperate to talk with me , thinks we can work stuff out ...I can't , I don't want too...is that too unkind of me ?...he's really struggling, suicidal, but he's turned our world upside down ...he keeps messaging me to talk to him ...but I don't feel it would be helpful , especially to me ..but then the guilt kicks in , he's alone without us ... I just don't know what to think anymore
Sorry your in this awful situation, I'm still quite early into it my partner was arrested in July 22 bailed twice then Rui. I was devastated cried for days couldn't eat, we have 2 children they didn't see him for 5 weeks and missed him.
my partner admitted to me he has a porn addiction, which he is getting help for and doing everything he can to prove himself.
if you don't feel ready to talk to him yet then don't feel guilty, you wait till your ready if ever. But I do think it's a good idea to talk, for me it was a huge shock but I needed to know everything for me to move on. It's a massive shock, I have the worst anxiety from it. Things do get easier in time.
my partner admitted to me he has a porn addiction, which he is getting help for and doing everything he can to prove himself.
if you don't feel ready to talk to him yet then don't feel guilty, you wait till your ready if ever. But I do think it's a good idea to talk, for me it was a huge shock but I needed to know everything for me to move on. It's a massive shock, I have the worst anxiety from it. Things do get easier in time.
Hi,
I found it incredibly hard to get to the stage where I wanted to talk. He was remanded in custody and I was pregnant. I agreed to him phoning me on days that I'd had check ups or scans initially. Once he was sentenced and I'd given birth I then felt that we had to talk about more than just baby.
We're two years post sentencing now and in all honesty there are things we've not discussed yet. Mostly the anger I feel and have felt because part of me thinks he isn't strong enough to cope with that and I'm scared that if I let it out I won't stop.
I think that if we get couples counselling and I'm given space to speak in a controlled environment that would be beneficial but due to childcare and his work schedule I don't know when that will happen.
I'm still in limbo to be honest and wish that I knew then what I do now and not buried my head in the sand by focusing on baby (obviously I would have still met her needs but I've used her as a reason to not have to deal with this fully).
If the only reason that you'd speak to him is to rid yourself of guilt about how he's feeling now then don't speak to him. You haven't done anything wrong and you are not responsible for his feelings or actions. If not speaking to him puts a block in you moving forward with your life then as hard as the conversation may be it may be in your best interests to talk.
Nobody can or should tell you how to feel or live your life. I hope you find peace in yourself whatever you choose to do. Sending love and strength xxx
I found it incredibly hard to get to the stage where I wanted to talk. He was remanded in custody and I was pregnant. I agreed to him phoning me on days that I'd had check ups or scans initially. Once he was sentenced and I'd given birth I then felt that we had to talk about more than just baby.
We're two years post sentencing now and in all honesty there are things we've not discussed yet. Mostly the anger I feel and have felt because part of me thinks he isn't strong enough to cope with that and I'm scared that if I let it out I won't stop.
I think that if we get couples counselling and I'm given space to speak in a controlled environment that would be beneficial but due to childcare and his work schedule I don't know when that will happen.
I'm still in limbo to be honest and wish that I knew then what I do now and not buried my head in the sand by focusing on baby (obviously I would have still met her needs but I've used her as a reason to not have to deal with this fully).
If the only reason that you'd speak to him is to rid yourself of guilt about how he's feeling now then don't speak to him. You haven't done anything wrong and you are not responsible for his feelings or actions. If not speaking to him puts a block in you moving forward with your life then as hard as the conversation may be it may be in your best interests to talk.
Nobody can or should tell you how to feel or live your life. I hope you find peace in yourself whatever you choose to do. Sending love and strength xxx
I think Distressed is right, you really have to go with your gut choice. What feels right for you at the time, avoiding being swayed by others (not easy I admit).
My son was the offender and I realise it makes it a different ball game. I've been through hell on my decision to stick by him living with the burden of secrets but I can sleep at night and am at peace with myself.
30 years is a long time. If he's been a good - sounds ironic, faithful husband, good dad/grandad, I'd personally speak to him to get a picture of what's been going on. But as I say, it's your life and your relationship, whatever choice you make is NOT a wrong choice......
You have had a massive shock, the hurt is immense / like no other. You might feel different in the future. Small baby steps and important (to try) to take one day at a time.
from one granny to another xxxxxxxx
My son was the offender and I realise it makes it a different ball game. I've been through hell on my decision to stick by him living with the burden of secrets but I can sleep at night and am at peace with myself.
30 years is a long time. If he's been a good - sounds ironic, faithful husband, good dad/grandad, I'd personally speak to him to get a picture of what's been going on. But as I say, it's your life and your relationship, whatever choice you make is NOT a wrong choice......
You have had a massive shock, the hurt is immense / like no other. You might feel different in the future. Small baby steps and important (to try) to take one day at a time.
from one granny to another xxxxxxxx
Thank you all so much for your replies , it makes such a difference to not feel as though we are the only family going through this trauma , I still undecided, I'll see how I feel as the day goes on , much love to everyone on here xxxx
In the early days I was so angry I couldn't talk to my husband so I wrote him an email instead. It helped me get my point across and we cleared the air a bit which enabled me to then speak to him about normal stuff.
Yes - as Loulou said anger is very much part our journey. I do feel angry with the life changing devastation my son has caused. He was loved and trusted by his family....... he wanted for nothing......
Forgiveness has been discussed between us on here - but as much as I try I don't think I'll ever quite forgive him.
Forgiveness has been discussed between us on here - but as much as I try I don't think I'll ever quite forgive him.