Feeling awful today
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It has been an awful day. I am so angry and bitter I don't know how to stop myself feeling this way.
I cry all the time and I feel so so alone all the time. I have wonderful friends who I can confide in but I'm very aware that I don't want to be a burden to them emotionally all the time.
I can't seem to make my husband understand how much his actions have hurt me, he in no way acknowledges my feelings in all this. He is just getting on with life and I am in so much pain. He is in denial about everything. I know he has lied about things that happened in the past and he continues to lie to me. I am not sure how I get closure and move on. A friend told me that I know enough and I don't need to know everything but somehow I think that if I know all the facts then I'll know I'm making the right decisions. What if I make the wrong decisions? Why has my life turned into this complete mess? And what on earth did I do to deserve this?
I cry all the time and I feel so so alone all the time. I have wonderful friends who I can confide in but I'm very aware that I don't want to be a burden to them emotionally all the time.
I can't seem to make my husband understand how much his actions have hurt me, he in no way acknowledges my feelings in all this. He is just getting on with life and I am in so much pain. He is in denial about everything. I know he has lied about things that happened in the past and he continues to lie to me. I am not sure how I get closure and move on. A friend told me that I know enough and I don't need to know everything but somehow I think that if I know all the facts then I'll know I'm making the right decisions. What if I make the wrong decisions? Why has my life turned into this complete mess? And what on earth did I do to deserve this?
Hi,
I didn't want to read and not respond. You haven't done anything to deserve this at all. Something I've learnt through this is that there are only right decisions for you at the time, they may not be right for you forever but you're allowed to change your mind. Things aren't always black and white, I think the society we live in today puts too much emphasis on standing by our decisions without acknowledging that we are constantly changing as people. We are pushed to choose and strive for careers early on and stay in dormant relationships because we made our decisions. Life doesn't always work out the way we planned but we have the right to change our paths and be happy. The fact that your partner doesn't acknowledge your feelings is concerning but is unfortunately not uncommon in this situation, they can get so focused on their feelings and wallow in self pity/hatred that they don't consider the impact on anyone else. Have either of you started any work with lff or safer lives?This may be beneficial to you moving forward whether that is together or apart. Sending love xxx
I didn't want to read and not respond. You haven't done anything to deserve this at all. Something I've learnt through this is that there are only right decisions for you at the time, they may not be right for you forever but you're allowed to change your mind. Things aren't always black and white, I think the society we live in today puts too much emphasis on standing by our decisions without acknowledging that we are constantly changing as people. We are pushed to choose and strive for careers early on and stay in dormant relationships because we made our decisions. Life doesn't always work out the way we planned but we have the right to change our paths and be happy. The fact that your partner doesn't acknowledge your feelings is concerning but is unfortunately not uncommon in this situation, they can get so focused on their feelings and wallow in self pity/hatred that they don't consider the impact on anyone else. Have either of you started any work with lff or safer lives?This may be beneficial to you moving forward whether that is together or apart. Sending love xxx
I'm sorry you are feeling like this. For me it was an easy decision... I can't be with someone who has got a kick out of watching children being abused. There are no excuses as far as I'm concerned. I know that sounds harsh but I really think it is black and white... for me anyway. You have to do what's right for you x
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Deep down I know I am not to blame and I also know that he is not being a kind, loving husband. I wish I could help him and support him but his resistance to seeking help and being truthful with me and just carrying on as if nothing has happened is something I am finding hard to deal with. Sometimes I wonder how I'm keeping my life "together" at the moment it's spiralling out of control and I don't know what to do or where to turn to make life more manageable. I'm scared of everything, worry abut everything overthink everything. Yet I manage to keep going day after day, I am resilent and strong and I will make the right decisions and things will get better.
Thank you for listening/reading and answering
Thank you for listening/reading and answering
I think we can send ourselves mad trying to work out what is the truth and whether we know everything. It can go deeper than the offences so for me I don't think knowing everything about the offending would have made a difference. I had to draw a line and move on. I know he didn't tell me the full truth, I also felt he didn't take enough responsibility and ownership of what he did. It felt like he thought it was everyone else's fault that he was arrested and that pleading guilty was the best way forward even though he didn't think he was guilty of what they were saying (he was). I also felt that he didn't understand the impact on me and the kids but it also came to light that he had undiagnosed ASD and he finds it difficult to be empathetic.
My person's counsellor explain why i needed to know more and why he needed to help, like this: Our life as we knew it or thought to be true, was like a neatly filed system. When something like this happens and you realised life is not as to you thought it, all of a sudden all that filing is all mixed up and you don't know what goes where. My person talking and explained to me, being open and honest was how I could make sense of what had happened and start filing things again with my new understanding of what the truth really was/is.
That analogy really helped him and me. He tries hard to explain and be open, but sometimes he doesn't know the answers himself, he needs more counselling which he's keen for, but he's in prision and there is nothing.
That analogy really helped him and me. He tries hard to explain and be open, but sometimes he doesn't know the answers himself, he needs more counselling which he's keen for, but he's in prision and there is nothing.
What an incredibly useful analogy @SAL thank you for sharing.
Mywholeworld. I couldn't scroll past without leaving a comment. I understand exactly how you feel as I could've posted that myself. Word for word.
I'm not sure I can add anything to help except I wanted to send hugs. I keep telling myself that we will get through this. It might take a year or three but we will come out the other side. What frightens me is that I don't know what "the other side" looks like right now. It is all a blur through tears and heartache x
I'm not sure I can add anything to help except I wanted to send hugs. I keep telling myself that we will get through this. It might take a year or three but we will come out the other side. What frightens me is that I don't know what "the other side" looks like right now. It is all a blur through tears and heartache x
to everyone who responded thank you so much,
loulou I think what you said resonates with me so much, my husband has no empathy for me at all, he sees only how things affect him. If he thinks it's not what he wants to hear then he feels immediately like he is being wronged. I see no remorse from him at all he said was that he was sorry and he can't do anything else. He won't get help even though he says he should not have done what he did and he can't seem to see how serious this all is, back to the deniel. He uses emotional blackmail all the time. Saying he will kill himself or that he hopes he dies soon when I try to discuss us living separately and sorting the house out, although he is sorting stuff out so we can move.
he thinks that shouting at me although I have told him I no longer tolerate him doing that is the answer to him venting his frustation and trying to calmly discuss is not working and not talking is met with his displeasure also. I'm back to feeling like I can do no right and when I say this he immediately says it's his fault and i am critical of him!!! horrible conversations that go around and around with nothing being gained from them. sometimes i feel like im going crazy
loulou I think what you said resonates with me so much, my husband has no empathy for me at all, he sees only how things affect him. If he thinks it's not what he wants to hear then he feels immediately like he is being wronged. I see no remorse from him at all he said was that he was sorry and he can't do anything else. He won't get help even though he says he should not have done what he did and he can't seem to see how serious this all is, back to the deniel. He uses emotional blackmail all the time. Saying he will kill himself or that he hopes he dies soon when I try to discuss us living separately and sorting the house out, although he is sorting stuff out so we can move.
he thinks that shouting at me although I have told him I no longer tolerate him doing that is the answer to him venting his frustation and trying to calmly discuss is not working and not talking is met with his displeasure also. I'm back to feeling like I can do no right and when I say this he immediately says it's his fault and i am critical of him!!! horrible conversations that go around and around with nothing being gained from them. sometimes i feel like im going crazy
Hey ! Listen this is just going to continue if he's in denial . You're gonna be stuck .so ask yourself,is he worth it ? Is this how you want to live your life ? If he's honest and open there may be a way forward for you both .maybe if you put your foot down he might change his tune . You've got to have boundaries honey or it's gonna be you that will suffer and in no way do you deserve that x
I have learnt a lot about my boundries and that mostly I let them be trampled over.
I realise that most of what he does and says is him trying to regain control over me and the situation. I have decided that no matter what he says I am worthy I am not his doormat and that I will make my decisions based on what I want to happen.
I cannot make him see the impact he has had on our lives together. I think he believes I am to blame for his actions and in so doing he has no responsibilty to bear. It's always somebody elses fault! And do I want to live like that for the rest of my days. No I don't, so he either makes changes or not. It's up to him.
I realise that most of what he does and says is him trying to regain control over me and the situation. I have decided that no matter what he says I am worthy I am not his doormat and that I will make my decisions based on what I want to happen.
I cannot make him see the impact he has had on our lives together. I think he believes I am to blame for his actions and in so doing he has no responsibilty to bear. It's always somebody elses fault! And do I want to live like that for the rest of my days. No I don't, so he either makes changes or not. It's up to him.
MywholeWorld your last post made me smile. Good for you. I'm a people pleaser and I find it so hard to put myself first but sometimes we need to put out foot down and say that's enough!
Being a people pleaser is hard work at times. I hate fuss and avoid confrontation if possible, not one for arguing......
I feel I've personally gathered so much more strength in coping with this journey. I don't 'dither' as much.......
how do others feel on this one: has your character changed?
I feel I've personally gathered so much more strength in coping with this journey. I don't 'dither' as much.......
how do others feel on this one: has your character changed?