Struggling to believe him
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My daughter's boyfriend has received a 1y custodial sentence suspended for 2 years, community service (which he has now served), 10y on sexual offender register, restriction on contact with under 18s and having special software on his devices to monitor his behaviour on line.
We are told by him that "all" he did was (in a very dark moment moment in his life) download an app to a device that containded IIOC and he looked at one image of a 16y old girl, realised it was wrong but never deleted the app. The police caught up with him a few years later.
Surely if he did as he says then he would not have got such a harsh sentence? It's tearing me apart right now and I'm am so worried about my daughter - she loves him and believes him.
I want to support my daughter but equally dont want her to be with someone who is lying to her and did infact possess IIOC.
Can I ask the police to disclose what went on?
We are told by him that "all" he did was (in a very dark moment moment in his life) download an app to a device that containded IIOC and he looked at one image of a 16y old girl, realised it was wrong but never deleted the app. The police caught up with him a few years later.
Surely if he did as he says then he would not have got such a harsh sentence? It's tearing me apart right now and I'm am so worried about my daughter - she loves him and believes him.
I want to support my daughter but equally dont want her to be with someone who is lying to her and did infact possess IIOC.
Can I ask the police to disclose what went on?
I doubt the police will disclose to you and definitely not without his consent and I imagine that could be a difficult conversation to have with your daughter and him.
Given the range of sentences on here, he could well be telling the truth.
Given the range of sentences on here, he could well be telling the truth.
No the police wouldn't disclose to you.
Believe me the sentence doesn't always reflect the offence. My husband was sentenced to 32 months. He viewed nothing, all devices clear, has no previous and is of good character. His was a communication charge where a child was brought into the conversation by an adult ( police officer). The child did not exist in reality. Yes he should have known better, yes he should have shut down the conversation and reported it. Is he a bad person, is he a predatory offender, no on both counts.
Allow your daughter to make her choices and her boyfriend to regain your trust. Allow them and yourself to move forward. x
Believe me the sentence doesn't always reflect the offence. My husband was sentenced to 32 months. He viewed nothing, all devices clear, has no previous and is of good character. His was a communication charge where a child was brought into the conversation by an adult ( police officer). The child did not exist in reality. Yes he should have known better, yes he should have shut down the conversation and reported it. Is he a bad person, is he a predatory offender, no on both counts.
Allow your daughter to make her choices and her boyfriend to regain your trust. Allow them and yourself to move forward. x
Snowdrop,
I'm sorry you're worried about your daughter but I have huge respect and admiration for you coming here to learn more so you can protect her. I completely understand why you are cautious and even though my partner's case was dropped, had I been my friend or Mum I would've advised me to run a mile the day he was arrested but I kept it to myself. As I have learnt from being here, image cases aren't always so cut and dry and the story you have been told could very well be true - sentencing can be extremely harsh for "less serious" cases and seem to be "easy" on cases which involve lots of images in the most serious category.
If there is more to the story it is likely your daughter will know - did she attend court? Was she present for meetings with his solicitors? If you can ask her these questions it will tell you whether she is fully aware of the finer details. She may be making things sound less serious because she wants you to be there for her and if it is worse than what you've been told then you may not want to. If she is, it's difficult because I can understand from an outside perpesctive, especially you being her Mum, why you would want better for her along with the fear that there could be further offending. It's very difficult when being the partner as there can be almost guilt aswell as pity which makes you want to stay and support them rather than staying because you know it will never happen again and you're in a happy and fulfilling relationship, especially if no kids are involved it makes it more of a gamble as the reasons for staying are potentially less.
I can only imagine how difficult it is for you but all you can do is be there for her and support her, it's very lonely and scary being in her position so your support will mean the world to her. As long as she is happy and he is good to her, the rest of the issues can be worked through. There is lots of information on here to explain how people end up on this horrible road to iioc and it's completely changed my perspective on things, before I came here I only thought the worst but now I see there is a lot of variables to it. Sending love x
I'm sorry you're worried about your daughter but I have huge respect and admiration for you coming here to learn more so you can protect her. I completely understand why you are cautious and even though my partner's case was dropped, had I been my friend or Mum I would've advised me to run a mile the day he was arrested but I kept it to myself. As I have learnt from being here, image cases aren't always so cut and dry and the story you have been told could very well be true - sentencing can be extremely harsh for "less serious" cases and seem to be "easy" on cases which involve lots of images in the most serious category.
If there is more to the story it is likely your daughter will know - did she attend court? Was she present for meetings with his solicitors? If you can ask her these questions it will tell you whether she is fully aware of the finer details. She may be making things sound less serious because she wants you to be there for her and if it is worse than what you've been told then you may not want to. If she is, it's difficult because I can understand from an outside perpesctive, especially you being her Mum, why you would want better for her along with the fear that there could be further offending. It's very difficult when being the partner as there can be almost guilt aswell as pity which makes you want to stay and support them rather than staying because you know it will never happen again and you're in a happy and fulfilling relationship, especially if no kids are involved it makes it more of a gamble as the reasons for staying are potentially less.
I can only imagine how difficult it is for you but all you can do is be there for her and support her, it's very lonely and scary being in her position so your support will mean the world to her. As long as she is happy and he is good to her, the rest of the issues can be worked through. There is lots of information on here to explain how people end up on this horrible road to iioc and it's completely changed my perspective on things, before I came here I only thought the worst but now I see there is a lot of variables to it. Sending love x
Snowdrop,
May be worth you checking out the details of police powers around Sarah's Law and see if it could be applied to you. Especially if you have children in the family perhaps. I don't know your situation but it's worth researching.
May be worth you checking out the details of police powers around Sarah's Law and see if it could be applied to you. Especially if you have children in the family perhaps. I don't know your situation but it's worth researching.
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Thank you everyone for taking time to reply - it really helps.
I feel I have some options but my head is all over the place so if I do anything need to be sure it feels right for me and my daughter. Trying to stay positive and look forwards.
I feel I have some options but my head is all over the place so if I do anything need to be sure it feels right for me and my daughter. Trying to stay positive and look forwards.
As an option you can apply for the transcript from the sentencing hearing.
rhere is a process but really straightforward. You will need date if hearing, case number and judge. All are public information
you complete the form and send it to the court. You will need to explain why you need it, but tou have strong reasons. It is a public document so in theory anyone can apply,
there is a cost. And you have to chose transcript options. But they can give an estimate which in my case was the exact amount I paid
i was in court but there were lots I missed so I found it invaluable.
rhere is a process but really straightforward. You will need date if hearing, case number and judge. All are public information
you complete the form and send it to the court. You will need to explain why you need it, but tou have strong reasons. It is a public document so in theory anyone can apply,
there is a cost. And you have to chose transcript options. But they can give an estimate which in my case was the exact amount I paid
i was in court but there were lots I missed so I found it invaluable.
Consider Sarah's or Clare's law.
An update - had weekend from hell last week trying to convince my daughter that there is more to all this than she believes. She confronted him and asked to see his evidence disclosure document he had no where left to hide so admitted to it. Turns out he's been offending pretty much entire time they have been together. They have now split up but still feel so emotional about it all.
Relief that it is over, anger that he's been lying to us all this time, feel stupid for believing him and humiliated in some way, just wish we sought help and got advice so much earlier in the process.
So I suppose that if you ever find yourself in this situation just know that an article in the paper reporting court proceedings is an accurate account of what went on, it is not made up and simply can not misrepresent the truth (as we were led to believe). The sentence handed down does reflect the crime.
Onwards and upwards as they say. I hope this may help someone out there x
Relief that it is over, anger that he's been lying to us all this time, feel stupid for believing him and humiliated in some way, just wish we sought help and got advice so much earlier in the process.
So I suppose that if you ever find yourself in this situation just know that an article in the paper reporting court proceedings is an accurate account of what went on, it is not made up and simply can not misrepresent the truth (as we were led to believe). The sentence handed down does reflect the crime.
Onwards and upwards as they say. I hope this may help someone out there x
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Glad you got the information you needed for your daughter to make the right decision for her
I hope her ex gets the help he needs to stop this awful behaviour and can go forward and be a decent member of society who causes no harm and is worthy of a relationship.
I would however also echo what others have said, press reporting is often innacurate and exaggerated.
Your daughter is lucky to have you, good luck to you both.
I hope her ex gets the help he needs to stop this awful behaviour and can go forward and be a decent member of society who causes no harm and is worthy of a relationship.
I would however also echo what others have said, press reporting is often innacurate and exaggerated.
Your daughter is lucky to have you, good luck to you both.
The reporting of these cases are twisted in a vile nasty way by the media. Usually full of hate and prejudice. There's no mention of circumstances of a crime and as we all know each and everyone of us has a different story to tell.
I'm not saying the victims don't matter but I really feel media coverage is very much a witch hunt thats intent on distruction, no thought given to the offenders family and the havoc their twisted reporting causes.
I'm not saying the victims don't matter but I really feel media coverage is very much a witch hunt thats intent on distruction, no thought given to the offenders family and the havoc their twisted reporting causes.
While some of the facts are true the way it was reported was twisted beyond belief
I would rather they had printed my sons charges from the court and not what was was put and they diddnt mention when the judge told the prosecution off for exaggerating his case even in court !
I would rather they had printed my sons charges from the court and not what was was put and they diddnt mention when the judge told the prosecution off for exaggerating his case even in court !
Snowdrop,
I'm sorry your daughter is hurting but I'm sure with a little help from Mum she'll be able to pick up the pieces, forget all about this eventually and have a happy future! xx
I'm sorry your daughter is hurting but I'm sure with a little help from Mum she'll be able to pick up the pieces, forget all about this eventually and have a happy future! xx
Well done for giving her the confidence to dig deep and ask the questions!
sometimes we don't like the answer and if he has been offending for the duration of the relationship it's important that this is reported to the police, you have a duty to do this.
I have been fortunate no news reporting as of yet but standard stories don't sell papers so Ofcourse in many cases they are exaggerated.
Now 450 people a month are charged for these crimes (easy pickings compared to finding a burglar) soo either many of these are not acually peadophiles as made out by the papers or we have a serious problem in society! Either way it's not great
but the sentancing it is random and my person I think got harsher than most I read about in the local paper one chap even touched a kid on a bus got less but that's cus he pled guilty straight off whereas my person went to trial and found guilty you loose all 'Discounts' he still retains his innocence im not sure. So it's not always the time reflecting the crime!
Hopefully with support from mum jeez what would I do without mine! This will be a distant memory for her x
sometimes we don't like the answer and if he has been offending for the duration of the relationship it's important that this is reported to the police, you have a duty to do this.
I have been fortunate no news reporting as of yet but standard stories don't sell papers so Ofcourse in many cases they are exaggerated.
Now 450 people a month are charged for these crimes (easy pickings compared to finding a burglar) soo either many of these are not acually peadophiles as made out by the papers or we have a serious problem in society! Either way it's not great
but the sentancing it is random and my person I think got harsher than most I read about in the local paper one chap even touched a kid on a bus got less but that's cus he pled guilty straight off whereas my person went to trial and found guilty you loose all 'Discounts' he still retains his innocence im not sure. So it's not always the time reflecting the crime!
Hopefully with support from mum jeez what would I do without mine! This will be a distant memory for her x