Is there hope for life with an SHPO?
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So we are just over 6 months into this ordeal, I don't come on here much these days as I had been trying to focus on the present and not over worry about the future. I hope you ladies are all okay!
My partner is more settled in prison and we have a routine, I can’t visit him often but he calls every night. When I do visit the guards take pleasure cutting the visits short which is upsetting when you haven’t seen each other for two months. The only upside to prison is at least whilst he is there he hasn’t got probation breathing down his neck. I have been reading the Unlock forum as OH asked me to find out about other men’s experiences after prison with an SHPO and it is sounding worse than prison! People have said their probation officers try to stop them going to gigs or events at private venues, travelling abroad to countries that don’t even have visa requirements, joining gyms but forcing them to disclose even if the gym has nothing in it's T&C’s, forcing them to disclose to potential employers who don’t even ask. The monitoring software sounds unreliable, making using any device stressful in case it stops working. They are nitpicky about getting new devices. I don’t see how anyone can live a normal ish life with probation officers who take personal pleasure from others suffering. It is not all probation officers but if my OH is unlucky and gets a particularly mean one he is screwed, it's putting me off having to deal with all of it once he is released. I love him but I don’t want to have to take on the role of his carer to make sure he doesn’t accidentally do anything wrong or piss off his probation officer, when he is the one who caused this shit show and broke my heart with his actions!
We don’t have kids, all my OH and I wanted out of life was to travel the world, go to gigs and festivals, get a few pets, and be happy. Some countries are now impossible to ever go to, but whilst he is under the SHPO it’s like he can’t do anything that would make him happy. We are in our 20s, it’s so young to have everything suddenly ripped away. Yes he committed a crime and it’s his own fault but it feels like if it was anything else, drug dealing, drink driving, theft, he wouldn’t be treated with such control by probation and stigma for years after finishing his prison sentence. It’s almost like they want him to reoffend the way they seem to want to catch them all out! With all these restrictions I’m not sure I want to live with him until his SHPO ends, but I don’t trust his parents to fully be able to cope with it. They shy away from learning anything about why he did it and how they can help him when he is released. I fear they want to sweep it under the rug and go back to “normal”. Every time I bring up reasons why it may have happened e.g. childhood bullying and abandonment issues, low self esteem, porn/sex addiction, they don't engage in the conversation. I am worried if I’m not around all the time someone will slip up because they haven’t learnt the ins and outs of what to expect, what may get flagged by probation, even if it’s perfectly legal. It will be his parents wifi router he will be using if he lives with them and they’re not tech savvy at all. They still get facts wrong about his SHPO, about being on the SOR, about spent vs unspent sentences, about restrictions. I sometimes feel solely responsible for teaching three people what to expect on release and it’s not fair. I don’t think they will handle visor visits and helping my OH stay squeaky clean to probation and keep on their good side if they haven’t even learnt the practicalities of the crime or tried to learn why it happened after 6 months! They want to support him but they haven’t even googled the offence!! How can you be there to support someone if you won't even learn about why it happened, signs an addict is relapsing, healthy relationships, how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
Sorry for the rant and going a bit off topic, I am just so frustrated lately and don’t have anyone to tell this to!
My partner is more settled in prison and we have a routine, I can’t visit him often but he calls every night. When I do visit the guards take pleasure cutting the visits short which is upsetting when you haven’t seen each other for two months. The only upside to prison is at least whilst he is there he hasn’t got probation breathing down his neck. I have been reading the Unlock forum as OH asked me to find out about other men’s experiences after prison with an SHPO and it is sounding worse than prison! People have said their probation officers try to stop them going to gigs or events at private venues, travelling abroad to countries that don’t even have visa requirements, joining gyms but forcing them to disclose even if the gym has nothing in it's T&C’s, forcing them to disclose to potential employers who don’t even ask. The monitoring software sounds unreliable, making using any device stressful in case it stops working. They are nitpicky about getting new devices. I don’t see how anyone can live a normal ish life with probation officers who take personal pleasure from others suffering. It is not all probation officers but if my OH is unlucky and gets a particularly mean one he is screwed, it's putting me off having to deal with all of it once he is released. I love him but I don’t want to have to take on the role of his carer to make sure he doesn’t accidentally do anything wrong or piss off his probation officer, when he is the one who caused this shit show and broke my heart with his actions!
We don’t have kids, all my OH and I wanted out of life was to travel the world, go to gigs and festivals, get a few pets, and be happy. Some countries are now impossible to ever go to, but whilst he is under the SHPO it’s like he can’t do anything that would make him happy. We are in our 20s, it’s so young to have everything suddenly ripped away. Yes he committed a crime and it’s his own fault but it feels like if it was anything else, drug dealing, drink driving, theft, he wouldn’t be treated with such control by probation and stigma for years after finishing his prison sentence. It’s almost like they want him to reoffend the way they seem to want to catch them all out! With all these restrictions I’m not sure I want to live with him until his SHPO ends, but I don’t trust his parents to fully be able to cope with it. They shy away from learning anything about why he did it and how they can help him when he is released. I fear they want to sweep it under the rug and go back to “normal”. Every time I bring up reasons why it may have happened e.g. childhood bullying and abandonment issues, low self esteem, porn/sex addiction, they don't engage in the conversation. I am worried if I’m not around all the time someone will slip up because they haven’t learnt the ins and outs of what to expect, what may get flagged by probation, even if it’s perfectly legal. It will be his parents wifi router he will be using if he lives with them and they’re not tech savvy at all. They still get facts wrong about his SHPO, about being on the SOR, about spent vs unspent sentences, about restrictions. I sometimes feel solely responsible for teaching three people what to expect on release and it’s not fair. I don’t think they will handle visor visits and helping my OH stay squeaky clean to probation and keep on their good side if they haven’t even learnt the practicalities of the crime or tried to learn why it happened after 6 months! They want to support him but they haven’t even googled the offence!! How can you be there to support someone if you won't even learn about why it happened, signs an addict is relapsing, healthy relationships, how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
Sorry for the rant and going a bit off topic, I am just so frustrated lately and don’t have anyone to tell this to!
Hi Lucy, not in same position as you as son has not even been charged yet, but yes ive been reading and trying to be prepared..but the idea of having to police him and tell him he cant go to all the places young people want to go(albeit his own fault)is one I dread. Being alone isolated in a bedroom with a computer for company is how so many individuals find themselves here, yet it feels like thats exactly where the powers that be seem to want them to be. You sound amazing an supportive but ultimately your partner has to police himself and show you he can do this and that you dont need to worry.sending you all the strength x
I don't have any experience but I'm concerned about the impact and my person accidentally doing something that will cause him to be recalled. He is so committed to making sure he changes but also to make sure that doesn't happen and is prepared that he'll have to live differently and cautiously. We are fortunate in that we are quite insular people so it will impact our life hopefully a lot less than it may others.
I've accepted that we won't go abroad together for many years.
He can apply for his SHPO be amended or removed, but I can't remember after how many years he can do this.
I hate that I will have to live with the fear he accidentally makes a mistake. I still can't believe that they think he's that dangerous that it's required.
What I would say, is you don't have to be responsible for this. I will support my person, be there to offer caution when I think requires, but I will not let it be my responsibility.
Unless he is out reasonably soon, try not to focus too much on the unknowns - As you say the POs and VISORS will vary in their application for the requirements.
I've accepted that we won't go abroad together for many years.
He can apply for his SHPO be amended or removed, but I can't remember after how many years he can do this.
I hate that I will have to live with the fear he accidentally makes a mistake. I still can't believe that they think he's that dangerous that it's required.
What I would say, is you don't have to be responsible for this. I will support my person, be there to offer caution when I think requires, but I will not let it be my responsibility.
Unless he is out reasonably soon, try not to focus too much on the unknowns - As you say the POs and VISORS will vary in their application for the requirements.
Lucy22
I'm glad you OH has settled in to a sort of routine, you seem like you have such a caring aura about you and how much you want to make things better for you and your OH and reaching out to his parents to help them understand says so much about you
The problem is once you start thinking of life after prison it just can engulf you with so much uncertainty
My son is a long was off been released but I will be there for him always until I take my last breath, I often think of the restrictions that lay ahead but then I stop and try to take each day as it comes we will cross that bridge when we have to
Only you can decide on your future no one can judge you if you decide to stay or leave
Sorry not much advise but try to concentrate on you for a while xx hugs
I'm glad you OH has settled in to a sort of routine, you seem like you have such a caring aura about you and how much you want to make things better for you and your OH and reaching out to his parents to help them understand says so much about you
The problem is once you start thinking of life after prison it just can engulf you with so much uncertainty
My son is a long was off been released but I will be there for him always until I take my last breath, I often think of the restrictions that lay ahead but then I stop and try to take each day as it comes we will cross that bridge when we have to
Only you can decide on your future no one can judge you if you decide to stay or leave
Sorry not much advise but try to concentrate on you for a while xx hugs
I wholly agree with Upset. When your world is rocked by 'the knock' the events following are pretty much out your control and the same on release.
My son has so much to face when he is released and he'll have to face it alone - which terrifies me. Obviously I lapse into thoughts/panic mode but then I push myself into putting the brakes on and concentrate where we are right now. You really have to think of yourself, your mind, your body, your life and wellbeing xxxxx
My son has so much to face when he is released and he'll have to face it alone - which terrifies me. Obviously I lapse into thoughts/panic mode but then I push myself into putting the brakes on and concentrate where we are right now. You really have to think of yourself, your mind, your body, your life and wellbeing xxxxx
I'm in my early 30s, and my partner was sentenced in in 2019 and suspended, so went straight into a SHPO. I was in my late 20s at the time.
Overall we live a normal life. We have our own place, and go on mini trips. Zoos, festivals, museums etc. We haven't travelled abroad yet however. Unfortunately, as like the judge, how you manage a SHPO is dependent on how the police visor is and and probation officer. Not all are the same.
The examples you give about not being about to join a gym, can't go to festivals etc- we have never had any issues. My partner has a no contact Clause (which we tried to get removed but was too late for sentencing, as my partner is non contact and non communication offence).
The only issue we have had that threw our life into turmoil was a week before we went in trip with friends in Scotland (who do not know if the offence) the visor told us the Scottish police were not happy we were staying near a school (despite there is no condition in the SOR or SHPO to state he has to be a certain distance away) and they threatened to visit us while we were in the area.
Thankfully they never turned up, but that annoyed me. So we have decided newlxt time we go away to do it for less than 7 nights - no requirement for my partner to disclose to the police that way.
We hope to go abroad at some point, the visor is somewhat supportive of this. Burbthis year the EU changes to require a visa is expected to come into effect - this will likely mean offenders need to disclose and it isn't known if that means can't visit. If this is the case I really don't know where we can go overseas, we can't afford to go further afield...
Overall I do understand trying to prepare and understand what it is like with a SHPO outside of prison, but it isn't always the same. I think as long as the conditions are understood and try to build a good rapport with probation and the visor then you should be able to enjoy your lives together:)
Overall we live a normal life. We have our own place, and go on mini trips. Zoos, festivals, museums etc. We haven't travelled abroad yet however. Unfortunately, as like the judge, how you manage a SHPO is dependent on how the police visor is and and probation officer. Not all are the same.
The examples you give about not being about to join a gym, can't go to festivals etc- we have never had any issues. My partner has a no contact Clause (which we tried to get removed but was too late for sentencing, as my partner is non contact and non communication offence).
The only issue we have had that threw our life into turmoil was a week before we went in trip with friends in Scotland (who do not know if the offence) the visor told us the Scottish police were not happy we were staying near a school (despite there is no condition in the SOR or SHPO to state he has to be a certain distance away) and they threatened to visit us while we were in the area.
Thankfully they never turned up, but that annoyed me. So we have decided newlxt time we go away to do it for less than 7 nights - no requirement for my partner to disclose to the police that way.
We hope to go abroad at some point, the visor is somewhat supportive of this. Burbthis year the EU changes to require a visa is expected to come into effect - this will likely mean offenders need to disclose and it isn't known if that means can't visit. If this is the case I really don't know where we can go overseas, we can't afford to go further afield...
Overall I do understand trying to prepare and understand what it is like with a SHPO outside of prison, but it isn't always the same. I think as long as the conditions are understood and try to build a good rapport with probation and the visor then you should be able to enjoy your lives together:)
My partner was given a SHPO last year for 7 years, internet based such as checking devices, no contact restrictions as such, but it's the SOR restrictions that makes it hard for us.
Being on the SOR, is not black or white which I hate, it says you need to advise police if spending 12 hrs + with u18s - however PO says we have to disclose to parents all the time (I am going to query this next time I see him). For example he had to disclose to family members as we went for Xmas lunch, even though fully supervised and less than 12 hours.
we have 2 children and they cannot have friends over, this hurts. He can't go to school events or birthday parties.
we have been abroad, parks, zoos, days out, no problems. There was some places such as centre Parcs, haven etc which we cannot go whilst on SOR. You need to check the t&c of the company you wish to stay with as some do mention nobody on SOR allowed. It's to protect them as much as others as if something happens on site, they are bound to blame the person on the SOR.
new vehicles, bank accounts or cards, addresses need to be registered at a station or places you will stay over 7 nights per year, it's pretty straight forward.
We are still adapting, the PO said if we not sure ring him to run it by him. Some things are bloody hard, some things haven't been as bad as I thought they might x
Being on the SOR, is not black or white which I hate, it says you need to advise police if spending 12 hrs + with u18s - however PO says we have to disclose to parents all the time (I am going to query this next time I see him). For example he had to disclose to family members as we went for Xmas lunch, even though fully supervised and less than 12 hours.
we have 2 children and they cannot have friends over, this hurts. He can't go to school events or birthday parties.
we have been abroad, parks, zoos, days out, no problems. There was some places such as centre Parcs, haven etc which we cannot go whilst on SOR. You need to check the t&c of the company you wish to stay with as some do mention nobody on SOR allowed. It's to protect them as much as others as if something happens on site, they are bound to blame the person on the SOR.
new vehicles, bank accounts or cards, addresses need to be registered at a station or places you will stay over 7 nights per year, it's pretty straight forward.
We are still adapting, the PO said if we not sure ring him to run it by him. Some things are bloody hard, some things haven't been as bad as I thought they might x
Jayjay,
Can I ask a few Qs please? Your post was so knowledgeable and interesting!
Would your kids be able to have friends over if your person wasn't at home?
I assume you're all ok to live under one roof with SS?
We are a few weeks before court and these are the two things that worry me the most. I just want my little family back together and for the future not to be too unordinary for the kids. Xx
Can I ask a few Qs please? Your post was so knowledgeable and interesting!
Would your kids be able to have friends over if your person wasn't at home?
I assume you're all ok to live under one roof with SS?
We are a few weeks before court and these are the two things that worry me the most. I just want my little family back together and for the future not to be too unordinary for the kids. Xx
Lucy 22,
Whether you stay or go is your choice. It also depends how strong your relationship is. You are only young and it's unfair that you have to have your wings clipped because of his offences. Also can you forgive his offences? If you can't or you don't want the massive commitment this relationship will take... get out now and live your life. This is not your fault.
Whether you stay or go is your choice. It also depends how strong your relationship is. You are only young and it's unfair that you have to have your wings clipped because of his offences. Also can you forgive his offences? If you can't or you don't want the massive commitment this relationship will take... get out now and live your life. This is not your fault.
Hi Gardiner
of course happy to answer anything.
PO said do not have friends over even if partner is out/away as they can't prove that he wasn't there. Plus you would want to know if your child was going to a S/O's home. If we disclosed to the parent and they were ok with it then they would be allowed but we don't want anyone else to know.
I pick my children's friends up, take them out for the day and drop them back at home without going anyway near my home or partner. It's sad but something we will have to learn to live with if we are going to make this work.
yes we all live together, SS are happy that children are old enough to understand in an age appropriate way and know how to keep themselves safe. Case was closed but reopened when he moved back and waiting for the last assessment but nobody has been in touch for weeks x
of course happy to answer anything.
PO said do not have friends over even if partner is out/away as they can't prove that he wasn't there. Plus you would want to know if your child was going to a S/O's home. If we disclosed to the parent and they were ok with it then they would be allowed but we don't want anyone else to know.
I pick my children's friends up, take them out for the day and drop them back at home without going anyway near my home or partner. It's sad but something we will have to learn to live with if we are going to make this work.
yes we all live together, SS are happy that children are old enough to understand in an age appropriate way and know how to keep themselves safe. Case was closed but reopened when he moved back and waiting for the last assessment but nobody has been in touch for weeks x
Thank you ladies for all your replies! It's hard to let go and try to feel less responsible for someone when you've been looking after them for so long, my OH is forgetful so it's always been on me to remind him how to be an adult basically. But he needs to grow up, he's very naive which is partly how he ended up where he is. I think the less technology the person owns the safer they are from making mistakes. But if my OH is unemployed with nowhere to go and no friends, it's a perfect storm for reoffending no matter how much he's committed to never doing it again.
SAL I believe it's after 5 years you can apply to have the SHPO changed but I think you have to have a valid reason as to why and can prove that circumstances have changed which make the change relevant. It just feels so hard living in constant fear because of the stupid mistakes of someone you love.
I try to focus on the present and cross bridges when we come to them, but I don't know what I want from life anymore, everything's changed and I feel lost. I don't have any particular goals anymore as they all involved him. There are some positives with him being in prison because I can focus on what I want as an individual without worrying about how to afford his bills as well as mine. I don't want to subsidise him when he's released, but the alternative is him living with his parents who won't learn enough about this situation to really be there for him. It's hard. Their house is near a nursery, my house is near a primary school, and I'm worried the police won't let him live in either and he will be homeless.
Smile I do hope your son will be okay once he is released, we all just need to take this journey one step at a time I guess
Majestic that's helpful to know, I'm glad you're able to live a normal life! I believe it's all down to the attitude of VISOR and the PO, and maybe if they can see how much support you have or if the person is on their own. I imagine a solo holiday abroad or to the zoo would look more suspicious to police than a family trip.
I forget sometimes that the SOR is a whole other set of things to deal with, that's frustrating the police made you inform people Jayjay even though it's not part of the requirements! They shouldn't make a list of rules for someone if the authorities don't stick to them and make life harder for the person they're policing.
Thank you all for your words of wisdsom, it's such a relief knowing this forum exists and I'm not so alone in this ordeal xx
SAL I believe it's after 5 years you can apply to have the SHPO changed but I think you have to have a valid reason as to why and can prove that circumstances have changed which make the change relevant. It just feels so hard living in constant fear because of the stupid mistakes of someone you love.
I try to focus on the present and cross bridges when we come to them, but I don't know what I want from life anymore, everything's changed and I feel lost. I don't have any particular goals anymore as they all involved him. There are some positives with him being in prison because I can focus on what I want as an individual without worrying about how to afford his bills as well as mine. I don't want to subsidise him when he's released, but the alternative is him living with his parents who won't learn enough about this situation to really be there for him. It's hard. Their house is near a nursery, my house is near a primary school, and I'm worried the police won't let him live in either and he will be homeless.
Smile I do hope your son will be okay once he is released, we all just need to take this journey one step at a time I guess
Majestic that's helpful to know, I'm glad you're able to live a normal life! I believe it's all down to the attitude of VISOR and the PO, and maybe if they can see how much support you have or if the person is on their own. I imagine a solo holiday abroad or to the zoo would look more suspicious to police than a family trip.
I forget sometimes that the SOR is a whole other set of things to deal with, that's frustrating the police made you inform people Jayjay even though it's not part of the requirements! They shouldn't make a list of rules for someone if the authorities don't stick to them and make life harder for the person they're policing.
Thank you all for your words of wisdsom, it's such a relief knowing this forum exists and I'm not so alone in this ordeal xx
I don't have any advice on this as I'm in the exact same boat as you! I could of written your post myself on how I feel .. I worry about the after prison part too and the new challenges we'll have to face it feels like it's just never going to end but I know my partner and i are willing to do absolutely anything to have a 'normal life' after he is released and we do talk about it alot which puts my mind at ease that he's on the same page as me (which he should be he got us in this mess!)
I'm in the same position with doing all the research regarding his offence and being his 'carer' so I know exactly how you feel with that, I don't think his family realised just how much support I was giving him until he went to prison and now they see I was pretty much doing everything and still am with sorting visits out for us all and researching everything once again! It can be extremely frustrating.
We are in our late 20's and all we want to do is go out to new places, travel abit and live a quiet life nothing fancy. We don't want children for a longgg time that's even if we ever want them so I'm hoping we can move on from this after years of waiting already and have that 'normal life' when he's out and this post gave me hope that it can work out, so I just wanted to say thank you!
its actually weirdly comforting to know other people feel how I feel right now, I don't feel alone xx
I'm in the same position with doing all the research regarding his offence and being his 'carer' so I know exactly how you feel with that, I don't think his family realised just how much support I was giving him until he went to prison and now they see I was pretty much doing everything and still am with sorting visits out for us all and researching everything once again! It can be extremely frustrating.
We are in our late 20's and all we want to do is go out to new places, travel abit and live a quiet life nothing fancy. We don't want children for a longgg time that's even if we ever want them so I'm hoping we can move on from this after years of waiting already and have that 'normal life' when he's out and this post gave me hope that it can work out, so I just wanted to say thank you!
its actually weirdly comforting to know other people feel how I feel right now, I don't feel alone xx
Leesha your situation does sound so similar to mine! My OH's parents didn't realise how much I put up with and did behind the scenes, his mum said she's surprised I didn't leave years ago after some of the things I've told her he's done (not related to the offence, but selfish and stupid nonetheless). It really is bloody frustrating isn't it! It's generally me that organises all the visits etc too!
Thank you too! We are all here because someone we love did something horribly wrong and stupid, but it's extra comforting to relate to people in particularly similar circumstances who want a similar outcome! I just want a peaceful fulfilling life with my OH somehow, I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel x
Thank you too! We are all here because someone we love did something horribly wrong and stupid, but it's extra comforting to relate to people in particularly similar circumstances who want a similar outcome! I just want a peaceful fulfilling life with my OH somehow, I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel x