What do I do?
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I've just found out my brother in law has been arrested (a couple of months ago) for online communication with children - caught by fake vigilante profiles. It turns out he also almost certainly has images of children as well. He is older, and has has a number of issues contributing, like many in this position I imagine. I've spoken to him and he seems to minimise what's happened. He's also asked to come to visit us. He lives some distance away and doesn't have easy transport so just quick contact isn't possible. We have young teenage children so clearly him coming to stay can't happen, astonished he would even think asking this is ok... but anyway I don't want him anywhere near us. I'm feel awful about that because he's clearly vulnerable but also I really don't want him anywhere near me and my kids. My husband has his own issues, and is struggling with how to deal with communicating with his brother. I just cant stop thinking about this. What do we do? How can I support my husband and his brother? Should I even try? I can't believe we're in this situation that's likely to go on for years. Goodness i know loads of you are in the same or worse and at least it isn't a direct family member but this is so stressful!
Hi Mammabear,
I'm so sorry you're in this position. I think whatever you feel is suitable is what you must do and if you don't feel comfortable with him being around your children then that is absolutely your call to make. I think currently you won't know much about what he actually has on his phone as this will be looked at by forensics and those vigilantes can twist things up (especially vulnerable people) and make things sound a lot worse than they are. I would give the helpline a call as they will have some practical advice on what to do. Concentrate on your immediate family for now as I'm sure your OH needs support and it will have come as a shock. Sending love xx
I'm so sorry you're in this position. I think whatever you feel is suitable is what you must do and if you don't feel comfortable with him being around your children then that is absolutely your call to make. I think currently you won't know much about what he actually has on his phone as this will be looked at by forensics and those vigilantes can twist things up (especially vulnerable people) and make things sound a lot worse than they are. I would give the helpline a call as they will have some practical advice on what to do. Concentrate on your immediate family for now as I'm sure your OH needs support and it will have come as a shock. Sending love xx
Thank you. I've spoken to him tonight and it seems he has bail conditions not to have unsupervised contact with under 18 year olds anyway so there is no chance he's coming to visit. He seems to have a strange mix of openness saying he knows he's done this, how stupid it was etc but also denial saying he's definitely not a risk as he'd never harm a child so no problem. He has been clear to me that he has been involved in these communications and has images on his phone. He expects to go to prison. He's also now started saying 'well maybe I should something stupid then' but then says he's attention seeking. It all seems very manipulative and in denial. I'm taking the view I'll just be very straight with him. But I really don't want anything to do with him, or the toxic side of the family.
But, along with this, how do I support my husband who also is struggling?
But, along with this, how do I support my husband who also is struggling?
I think it's really important that you stay consistent and honest the best thing you can do is not give mixed messages to him. My person was also suicidal, I signposted to appropriate places which he didn't use but I didn't have enough energy myself to deal with it.
Really important to look after yourself you have done nothing wrong in all of this.
Really important to look after yourself you have done nothing wrong in all of this.
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i would accept that viewing images doesn't necessarily mean an interest in children, but having conversations and arranging to meet a child is a bit different, isnt it? Even if the child doesnt actually exist. I can understand that in his head he maybe genuinely doesnt have an interest in my children, as they are family and therefore he doesn't see himself as posing a risk to them, but that still in no way excuses what he has done. I guess I just hope he gets the help he clearly needs, but in order for him to do that he will have to accept what he has done and engage with the support that I'm sure is out there. It seems to me that the vigilantes focus on the vulnerable. I'm new to all of this so desperately trying to get my head around it all so thank you.
Hey mamabear. Not necessarily. My ex H was charged with communicating with minors. As well as online chat, he also called them (2). They were both police decoys. Due to poor mental health and undiagnosed autism, he ended up down a rabbit hole and has no idea what possessed him to call them. In his mind, everyone on the chat website he was using wasn't who they said they were, and he didn't believe the minors were minors and said so in the chats, but unfortunately, what he did is still against the law. We're not together now, but we are friends and I care about him. He isn't a bad person and I don't believe he is a risk to minors and I don't believe that he would have met with them. He has been resistant to help as he doesn't believe he is the type of person the help is aimed at, though he did complete the online course on LFF. The police accused him of grooming but in his mind, that's not what he was doing and he was trying to prove people were fake. It isn't black and white. What he did was really stupid, and it's completely messed up our lives.
I think you have to trust your instincts, and don't do anything you aren't comfortable with (and he's unlikely to be able to stay with you anyway and that's usual for someone charged with this type of offence), but I wouldn't completely write him off and he could probably do with the support. You don't have to condone what he has done (I still can't get my head around what my ex did or why).
I think you have to trust your instincts, and don't do anything you aren't comfortable with (and he's unlikely to be able to stay with you anyway and that's usual for someone charged with this type of offence), but I wouldn't completely write him off and he could probably do with the support. You don't have to condone what he has done (I still can't get my head around what my ex did or why).
Just caught up on this thread. Talking condone. I don't think any of us condone what a loved one has done.
I hate what my son has done, i am disgusted with him but it's only part of his being, a puzzle piece if that makes sense.
I know he is a kind, thoughtful and loving man. I also definately do not think of him as a P....... He needs help - not distruction.
I strongly advise go with your gut feelings - make a plan which you are comfortable with, don't be swayed by others. It's far far from easy, but it's working )so far) for me x
I hate what my son has done, i am disgusted with him but it's only part of his being, a puzzle piece if that makes sense.
I know he is a kind, thoughtful and loving man. I also definately do not think of him as a P....... He needs help - not distruction.
I strongly advise go with your gut feelings - make a plan which you are comfortable with, don't be swayed by others. It's far far from easy, but it's working )so far) for me x