A very confused wife & mum
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Hi all,
I'm not even sure what I am looking for here. I just feel lost and empty, and so very confused. My husband was arrested 21st Dec 2022 as he landed onshore, taken straight into questioning. My home was searched and all devices taken, and I was left with the StopItNow leaflet. He is under investigation for communicating with a woman on KIK, they began to discuss her 12 year olf daughter. The woman was in fact an undercover police officer and spoke with my husband for a couple of weeks before the child was mentioned. My husband is adament he is not attracted to underage, that he was seeking more from porn- 13 years working Offshore probably hasn't helped with this! He is also positive that he's never viewed an image, spoken directly with a child or had these 'thoughts' before.
But I guess what I need to know is, how can someone pleasure themselves whilst discussing a child, and claim not to be attracted?
He also admitted to chatting to about 5 other women on this app, but only 1 of them turned illegal. As a wife, and the mother to his 2 young children, I feel so betrayed and hurt. Yet he says he saw it as an extension of porn, thats all it was to him.
He has moved out, I have SW in every week, kids are on the Child Protection Registar and my heart is breaking that he's ruined our lives for 1 conversation to get off on!! He asks me all the time to move back home, but I am now the protective parent and if I allow him back, there is a chance I will be seen as incapable of keeping the children safe.
Like I said, I am not even sure what I am asking for here. I just want to know I am not alone.
Thank you for reading.
K x
I'm not even sure what I am looking for here. I just feel lost and empty, and so very confused. My husband was arrested 21st Dec 2022 as he landed onshore, taken straight into questioning. My home was searched and all devices taken, and I was left with the StopItNow leaflet. He is under investigation for communicating with a woman on KIK, they began to discuss her 12 year olf daughter. The woman was in fact an undercover police officer and spoke with my husband for a couple of weeks before the child was mentioned. My husband is adament he is not attracted to underage, that he was seeking more from porn- 13 years working Offshore probably hasn't helped with this! He is also positive that he's never viewed an image, spoken directly with a child or had these 'thoughts' before.
But I guess what I need to know is, how can someone pleasure themselves whilst discussing a child, and claim not to be attracted?
He also admitted to chatting to about 5 other women on this app, but only 1 of them turned illegal. As a wife, and the mother to his 2 young children, I feel so betrayed and hurt. Yet he says he saw it as an extension of porn, thats all it was to him.
He has moved out, I have SW in every week, kids are on the Child Protection Registar and my heart is breaking that he's ruined our lives for 1 conversation to get off on!! He asks me all the time to move back home, but I am now the protective parent and if I allow him back, there is a chance I will be seen as incapable of keeping the children safe.
Like I said, I am not even sure what I am asking for here. I just want to know I am not alone.
Thank you for reading.
K x
I'm sorry to hear this story. Darks day are ahead, but it does get better. There is hope and a future.
My only adivce comes from my experience and what i have seen. I would suggest there is more to what he is saying, due to the fact they arrested him as soon as he got back.
Also, there is the cheating element. I get he has been away, but he has cheated on you by talking to "women". Undercover Police don't waste their time of "small" fish. Hence why my advice is...stay clear. Move on and re-build.
My only adivce comes from my experience and what i have seen. I would suggest there is more to what he is saying, due to the fact they arrested him as soon as he got back.
Also, there is the cheating element. I get he has been away, but he has cheated on you by talking to "women". Undercover Police don't waste their time of "small" fish. Hence why my advice is...stay clear. Move on and re-build.
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My partner was arrested, charged and sentenced for talking with an adult about a child. For him, he said it was about the woman and pleasing the woman, that the woman had led the conversation and he continued with it and the arousal part came from both the taboo element and the woman.
Someone explained it well like this.
Think about the dragon in Game of Thrones for example. When we watch that on TV, we know at one level, that the dragon is not real, but at another level we can suspend our disbelief, in order to emotionally involve ourselves in the story.
At the beginning of the is journey I really struggled to comprehend. The thought of him being aroused by it troubled me greatly - Throughout the day it consumed me and at night I'd not we able to switch off and would have horrible thoughts and nightmares.
I didn't read all the evidence (I read some of it) , but knowing him sexually I can see how he would have gone along with it. His barrister also said that the conversation was escalated by the decoy and that the focus had predominantly been on the woman rather than the child - That however doesn't mean a child wouldn't have been put at risk of it had been a real mother. My partner had devices removed and checked. He had 'only' had one conversation. They found no images or evidence that he'd had any other conversation similar or had search around the subject. The conversation didn't happen on the dark web, in fact the conversation started with the adult on one of the biggest BDSM/kink social platforms. The conversation started in a open forum and the initial exchange is still there and I've read it.
I've had therapy, so has my person. We've spoken about it in depth and I've read and listened to lots to educate myself. From him I see remorse (not just for the offence but other aspects of his life) and I see willingness and a desire to change. There are many different things he feels differently about now. These have all been important parts in my decision to stay.
Every person's situation here is different and every person's offence and route to offending will be different. There are huge amounts of complexities these crimes. Daffodil has offered some good advise.
Someone explained it well like this.
Think about the dragon in Game of Thrones for example. When we watch that on TV, we know at one level, that the dragon is not real, but at another level we can suspend our disbelief, in order to emotionally involve ourselves in the story.
At the beginning of the is journey I really struggled to comprehend. The thought of him being aroused by it troubled me greatly - Throughout the day it consumed me and at night I'd not we able to switch off and would have horrible thoughts and nightmares.
I didn't read all the evidence (I read some of it) , but knowing him sexually I can see how he would have gone along with it. His barrister also said that the conversation was escalated by the decoy and that the focus had predominantly been on the woman rather than the child - That however doesn't mean a child wouldn't have been put at risk of it had been a real mother. My partner had devices removed and checked. He had 'only' had one conversation. They found no images or evidence that he'd had any other conversation similar or had search around the subject. The conversation didn't happen on the dark web, in fact the conversation started with the adult on one of the biggest BDSM/kink social platforms. The conversation started in a open forum and the initial exchange is still there and I've read it.
I've had therapy, so has my person. We've spoken about it in depth and I've read and listened to lots to educate myself. From him I see remorse (not just for the offence but other aspects of his life) and I see willingness and a desire to change. There are many different things he feels differently about now. These have all been important parts in my decision to stay.
Every person's situation here is different and every person's offence and route to offending will be different. There are huge amounts of complexities these crimes. Daffodil has offered some good advise.
Hi fellow very confused wife and mother
You are not alone. I wish I had some advice to help you make sense of it but I'm 2 years in and I still don't know up from down. My husband was arrested in 2008 and released with a caution. That is more than likely what your husband will recieve. I wish someone had told me then that they don't simply stop this behaviour, or the lying about it. 13 years down the line and it happened again. I should have thrown him out the 1st time around but I believed him and felt like I was over reacting.
My advice to you would be to think about what you want from life for you and your children. Take him out of the equation and only consider you 3. Take good care of yourself, you hold everyone together.
I wish you lots of luck getting your head around this. Mine is still spinning, you may have more luck.
Take care x
You are not alone. I wish I had some advice to help you make sense of it but I'm 2 years in and I still don't know up from down. My husband was arrested in 2008 and released with a caution. That is more than likely what your husband will recieve. I wish someone had told me then that they don't simply stop this behaviour, or the lying about it. 13 years down the line and it happened again. I should have thrown him out the 1st time around but I believed him and felt like I was over reacting.
My advice to you would be to think about what you want from life for you and your children. Take him out of the equation and only consider you 3. Take good care of yourself, you hold everyone together.
I wish you lots of luck getting your head around this. Mine is still spinning, you may have more luck.
Take care x
Hello KMF
So sorry you find yourself here but I couldn't just scroll past as there was something in your post that resonated with me.
You say your husband "saw it as an extension of porn, thats all it was to him." My husband has said very much the same thing about this behaviour online. He just sees the internet as a modern-day "top shelf" in a newsagent and why shouldn't he make use of the latest technology available. The problem is (or one of the problems) is that the internet is connected all round the world and what may be legal in one country, isn't legal in another. And as he well knows, ignorance of the law is no defence.
We are early in our journey and have the long wait for the results of forensics.
So sorry you find yourself here but I couldn't just scroll past as there was something in your post that resonated with me.
You say your husband "saw it as an extension of porn, thats all it was to him." My husband has said very much the same thing about this behaviour online. He just sees the internet as a modern-day "top shelf" in a newsagent and why shouldn't he make use of the latest technology available. The problem is (or one of the problems) is that the internet is connected all round the world and what may be legal in one country, isn't legal in another. And as he well knows, ignorance of the law is no defence.
We are early in our journey and have the long wait for the results of forensics.
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