An update
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I have written at various stages of my journey on this forum. Normally when I'm down and need to remind myself how far I have come. And how none of this was my fault. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I'm sure if I went back I would get diagnosed with C-PTSD.
In November 2018, I and my ex-husband were arrested for two offences. Engaging sexual conversation and possession of indecent images. I was at home and he was at work. He knew one day this could happen, I did not. His actions were his own and I was an innocent victim. Along with the 14 year old he was trying to sleep with.
The Police only arrested me because I am gay. All the evidence suggested my ex was talking to the kid. I had nothing to do with it and the Kid didn't even know I existed. But after 18 months I was cleared, my ex in 2020 got a caution and he went on the register for 5 years. It gives me great pleasure hearing through the grapevine that the Police harass him every month. Paying visits to his home, checking his devices and ensuring he doesn't have access to kids at work.
I can not talk to him due to my work. The job I love and work so hard for, he nearly destroyed. But I wouldn’t want to. And haven’t since 2018, only on matters of divorce that I couldn’t go through a solicitor for. I moved on and in September 2022 I actually proposed to my long term Boyfriend and he said yes. I had re-built well and built a new life.
5 years after the event, the day of the arrest I knew I would be vulnerable. So, I, my fiance, my best friend and his boyfriend went away to Wales for 4 days. It was great, really stress free. I had brought the family dog and it was just…perfect. Sat in a hottub, in the Welsh Hills with a bottle of beer with people I loved being with.
In December 2022, I went to see a trusted long term friend. He knew my past, my suicide attempt, everything. We had good food, good wine and good conversation. On my way back home after a great evening I could tell he wanted to tell me something. I pushed and pushed and he broke.
He declared that just after lockdown he was arrested for possession of indecent images. The worst being a 4 year old. He went explaining his story, trying to convince me that his behaviour was acceptable and that he “wasn’t like that”. I wanted to punch him, I wanted to punch him so hard and I wanted to not stop. But I hadn’t worked so hard, to fight for my life, job and fiance to lose it over him. I said goodbye and got on the way home.
My finance had been trying to get hold of me, and being both being emergency services we both worry when we don’t hear from each other at a certain time. Not knowing if we have been killed in a road traffic collision. I picked up the phone and you could tell he was panicked. He hadn’t been able to get hold of me for 30-60 minutes. And last he heard was I was walking home…in a major city.
I explained to him what happened and I explained how angry it made me. He understood and when I got home, he just made things feel better.
My PTSD re-lapsed and I got various flashbacks. I informed my work and they told me never to contact him again. Which I had already blocked him from my life. They were understanding. The worst relapse part was when I woke up, in the middle of the night with my fiance in bed. My brain told me the person I was sleeping with, was my ex-husband. I slept hours trying to convince myself it wasn’t. I didn’t want to wake him up to explain. I dealt with it myself.
I started to rebuild, as I needed to do but then In January my fiance stated he wanted to end the relationship. He felt we were on two different paths and that he wanted to travel the world.
This…broke me when I was already vulnerable. In two months I had lost a best friend and a fiance. Last week my suicidal thoughts have returned. And all of this has come from people who decide to prey on the weak and innocent. I make no apologies for having an inner hatred for them.
I guess you may ask why I have posted this, it doesn’t seem to be a happy ending. A book only stops when the writer finishes writing. And I am not ready to stop writing. I write this to remind me that I have been through worse and I will get through this. The first step is to see a doctor and start re-building.
I will get passed this. And for those that will understand this
;
*Please note, I never knew beforehand about either my ex-husband or ex-friend behaviour*
In November 2018, I and my ex-husband were arrested for two offences. Engaging sexual conversation and possession of indecent images. I was at home and he was at work. He knew one day this could happen, I did not. His actions were his own and I was an innocent victim. Along with the 14 year old he was trying to sleep with.
The Police only arrested me because I am gay. All the evidence suggested my ex was talking to the kid. I had nothing to do with it and the Kid didn't even know I existed. But after 18 months I was cleared, my ex in 2020 got a caution and he went on the register for 5 years. It gives me great pleasure hearing through the grapevine that the Police harass him every month. Paying visits to his home, checking his devices and ensuring he doesn't have access to kids at work.
I can not talk to him due to my work. The job I love and work so hard for, he nearly destroyed. But I wouldn’t want to. And haven’t since 2018, only on matters of divorce that I couldn’t go through a solicitor for. I moved on and in September 2022 I actually proposed to my long term Boyfriend and he said yes. I had re-built well and built a new life.
5 years after the event, the day of the arrest I knew I would be vulnerable. So, I, my fiance, my best friend and his boyfriend went away to Wales for 4 days. It was great, really stress free. I had brought the family dog and it was just…perfect. Sat in a hottub, in the Welsh Hills with a bottle of beer with people I loved being with.
In December 2022, I went to see a trusted long term friend. He knew my past, my suicide attempt, everything. We had good food, good wine and good conversation. On my way back home after a great evening I could tell he wanted to tell me something. I pushed and pushed and he broke.
He declared that just after lockdown he was arrested for possession of indecent images. The worst being a 4 year old. He went explaining his story, trying to convince me that his behaviour was acceptable and that he “wasn’t like that”. I wanted to punch him, I wanted to punch him so hard and I wanted to not stop. But I hadn’t worked so hard, to fight for my life, job and fiance to lose it over him. I said goodbye and got on the way home.
My finance had been trying to get hold of me, and being both being emergency services we both worry when we don’t hear from each other at a certain time. Not knowing if we have been killed in a road traffic collision. I picked up the phone and you could tell he was panicked. He hadn’t been able to get hold of me for 30-60 minutes. And last he heard was I was walking home…in a major city.
I explained to him what happened and I explained how angry it made me. He understood and when I got home, he just made things feel better.
My PTSD re-lapsed and I got various flashbacks. I informed my work and they told me never to contact him again. Which I had already blocked him from my life. They were understanding. The worst relapse part was when I woke up, in the middle of the night with my fiance in bed. My brain told me the person I was sleeping with, was my ex-husband. I slept hours trying to convince myself it wasn’t. I didn’t want to wake him up to explain. I dealt with it myself.
I started to rebuild, as I needed to do but then In January my fiance stated he wanted to end the relationship. He felt we were on two different paths and that he wanted to travel the world.
This…broke me when I was already vulnerable. In two months I had lost a best friend and a fiance. Last week my suicidal thoughts have returned. And all of this has come from people who decide to prey on the weak and innocent. I make no apologies for having an inner hatred for them.
I guess you may ask why I have posted this, it doesn’t seem to be a happy ending. A book only stops when the writer finishes writing. And I am not ready to stop writing. I write this to remind me that I have been through worse and I will get through this. The first step is to see a doctor and start re-building.
I will get passed this. And for those that will understand this
;
*Please note, I never knew beforehand about either my ex-husband or ex-friend behaviour*
Hi,
I'm sorry that you've been through so much. You know that you can rebuild, you sound so strong. I hope that you are able to access support quickly and wish you every success for the future xxx
I'm sorry that you've been through so much. You know that you can rebuild, you sound so strong. I hope that you are able to access support quickly and wish you every success for the future xxx