5 years later
Notifications OFF
Hello, a little background on our situation.
My now fiancé received "the knock" September 2017 for online offences around IIOC. He has been addicted to porn since a very young age and is still battling the habit of accessing mainstream porn. He was sentenced in March 2018 to 5 years on the SOR and a SHPO based around the internet, monitoring, no deleting history, no undeclared devices. At no point has he excused what he did or blamed his addiction and wishes he could turn the clock back.
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and we are in the middle of a pre birth assessment. From the first meeting I feel like SS already have an opinion and know what will happen.
We had a meeting last night with SS and MAPPA but it felt like an interrogation and every suggestion my partner came up with to make changes felt like it was dismissed.
He's been back in touch with the STOPSO therapist he saw for years and knows he needs to tackle the porn addiction.
This seems to be the main concern for SS but we feel like we go round in circles, he hasn't accessed anything illegal and we are very open about everything. We were made to feel so belittled and just don't know where we go from here. SS kept commenting that we waited for him to come off the SOR to have a baby and it didn't happen like that.
We know SS will be involved and more than likely there will be care plans, safety plans, restrictions etc in place and we are happy to work with them, at the moment my fiancé is battling being able to leave work for meetings as they are always in the middle of the day and SS are pushing him to tell them everything. If he thought it would help he would but they genuinely don't care, to the point he has had to book holiday to attend scans with me because they won't let him leave for a few hours.
We feel that we will be made to live separate and we don't know how we would even make that work and how do we move forward in the future, or if we could stay in the family home how would no unsupervised contact work day to day.
SS won't give us any insight into what might happen - any advice would be really appreciated.
My now fiancé received "the knock" September 2017 for online offences around IIOC. He has been addicted to porn since a very young age and is still battling the habit of accessing mainstream porn. He was sentenced in March 2018 to 5 years on the SOR and a SHPO based around the internet, monitoring, no deleting history, no undeclared devices. At no point has he excused what he did or blamed his addiction and wishes he could turn the clock back.
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and we are in the middle of a pre birth assessment. From the first meeting I feel like SS already have an opinion and know what will happen.
We had a meeting last night with SS and MAPPA but it felt like an interrogation and every suggestion my partner came up with to make changes felt like it was dismissed.
He's been back in touch with the STOPSO therapist he saw for years and knows he needs to tackle the porn addiction.
This seems to be the main concern for SS but we feel like we go round in circles, he hasn't accessed anything illegal and we are very open about everything. We were made to feel so belittled and just don't know where we go from here. SS kept commenting that we waited for him to come off the SOR to have a baby and it didn't happen like that.
We know SS will be involved and more than likely there will be care plans, safety plans, restrictions etc in place and we are happy to work with them, at the moment my fiancé is battling being able to leave work for meetings as they are always in the middle of the day and SS are pushing him to tell them everything. If he thought it would help he would but they genuinely don't care, to the point he has had to book holiday to attend scans with me because they won't let him leave for a few hours.
We feel that we will be made to live separate and we don't know how we would even make that work and how do we move forward in the future, or if we could stay in the family home how would no unsupervised contact work day to day.
SS won't give us any insight into what might happen - any advice would be really appreciated.
Post deleted
If he has served what the court deemed necessary and hasn't offended further then SS need to back off. There's lots of practical information on here around dealing with them and the best thing to do is email them so everything (including their responses) is in writing. I would search "SS" or "Social services" over on the main discussion part of the forum and write down all the helpful advice. As long as you make sure SS know you can safeguard your child there shouldn't be a problem. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck for the future, don't let them spoil a moment of it, you've got this xx
Thankyou for your replies, we did today email a child law solicitor to gain some legal advice. We tried to explain to them that we'd always been advised to wait to have children and we didn't expect to fall pregnant so quickly, my fiancé completed all the relevant courses, probation etc and they always deemed him as low risk. His stopso therapist even went as far as writing a letter when he went to court that she didn't believe him to be sexually attracted to children.
With SS we feel like we can't win, everything we say isn't good enough.
With SS we feel like we can't win, everything we say isn't good enough.
Hi,
congratulations on your pregnancy, I know this must be making it a very stressful time.
unfortunately ss don't work the same as visor/probation etc. they see it as, he has been convicted of this crime so there is a risk.
legally he has nothing stopping him being around your child or other children and if his visor etc. have always been happy with him that's great and really positive.
but ss can make it very hard if they want to.
the best thing you can do is acknowledge that your partner is a potential risk to your child (as anyone is or can be). Then make a safety plan explaining how you can mitigate this risk.
their best way to make things stick is by coming after you, saying you have been groomed/manipulated and you can't protect. Do your reading and work to show this isn't the case. Search the forum, there are plenty of posts explaining safety plans, courses and reading you can do.
I am not saying your partner is a risk, but I have just had a horrendous journey and fight with ss- my husband is now home and we are a family again. So I understand how ss can be x
congratulations on your pregnancy, I know this must be making it a very stressful time.
unfortunately ss don't work the same as visor/probation etc. they see it as, he has been convicted of this crime so there is a risk.
legally he has nothing stopping him being around your child or other children and if his visor etc. have always been happy with him that's great and really positive.
but ss can make it very hard if they want to.
the best thing you can do is acknowledge that your partner is a potential risk to your child (as anyone is or can be). Then make a safety plan explaining how you can mitigate this risk.
their best way to make things stick is by coming after you, saying you have been groomed/manipulated and you can't protect. Do your reading and work to show this isn't the case. Search the forum, there are plenty of posts explaining safety plans, courses and reading you can do.
I am not saying your partner is a risk, but I have just had a horrendous journey and fight with ss- my husband is now home and we are a family again. So I understand how ss can be x
Thankyou for your response, during my individual meeting with SS I went through everything I knew about his conviction, from day 1 to court to now. I expressed my opinion on how I trust him and that I don't believe he would harm our child but that I wasn't denying there could be a potential risk. I told them that we'd discussed safety measures we could implement and would be happy to incorporate into a safety plan and they said how shocked they were that I knew so much. I explained it's not something I've gone into lightly.
Right now it just feels like nothing we do is right and that we are fighting a losing battle with them, waiting for a decision and the stress it's brought both of us is slowly getting to us.
Right now it just feels like nothing we do is right and that we are fighting a losing battle with them, waiting for a decision and the stress it's brought both of us is slowly getting to us.
Tell SS that meetings need to be outside of work as it's affecting his job, if he was to lose his job you would lose the house etc etc, tell them you are both finding it very stressful and they need to work around you.
follow everything up with an email so you have everything in writing and they can't twist things.
I would recommend your partners gets help for porn asap, legal or not, that's how he fell down the rabbit hole to begin with and watching 'normal mainstream porn' is a risk that he will seek more. Both Read the book 'my brain on porn'.
follow everything up with an email so you have everything in writing and they can't twist things.
I would recommend your partners gets help for porn asap, legal or not, that's how he fell down the rabbit hole to begin with and watching 'normal mainstream porn' is a risk that he will seek more. Both Read the book 'my brain on porn'.
This morning I received a notification for a CIN meeting next week, I have emailed our current SW for further information without much clarity. Does anyone have any experience of this meeting and can offer any insight ? Thankyou
Post deleted
Thankyou so much for your reply, we discussed a safety plan previously and I mentioned this in my meeting with SS. My partner is booked to start seeing his stopso thespist again and is hoping to schedule regular appointments, along with putting his own restrictions in place to help him from straying, so to speak. We are happy to work with SS and are keen to keep our family unit together and not have someone having to move out, no matter how hard it may be if my OH has to be supervised, we will make it work.
Post deleted
These are the things we have discussed and put in place :
- wifi restrictions / parental protected (I have the password to make changes)
- parental controls on his device, we used family link
- stopso therapy appointment booked and further ones to schedule to overcome the porn habit
We have discussed the things that potentially could be on place regarding a safety plan for when baby arrives if SS feel there needs to be more :
- no phone during personal care
- supervised or no personal care
- day to day care is mostly me due to his hours anyway and my Mum is my emergency contact and go to if we needed her to watch baby.
- educating our children age appropriately around privacy, pants, online safety, healthy relationships
- Family network to all understand signs of abuse
- courses we can go on through LFF, NSPCC, Inform etc
This was all suggested with our meeting with SS and MAPPA but we felt everything we said wasn't enough and a conversation wasn't had around it, just brushed over and carried on. We even discussed cameras in the house (we have 2 for when our dog was a puppy so I could check on them and they are still used now) as well as installing door alarms if necessary. We are willing to work with them to keep our family together.
I have expressed to SS that I do understand the potential risks and you can never be 100% trusting but I also know everything and if I thought he was going to hurt our child we wouldn't be getting married and be having a baby.
I used to work with children so explained how I've done alot of safeguarding training and informed them my child come first no matter what.
- wifi restrictions / parental protected (I have the password to make changes)
- parental controls on his device, we used family link
- stopso therapy appointment booked and further ones to schedule to overcome the porn habit
We have discussed the things that potentially could be on place regarding a safety plan for when baby arrives if SS feel there needs to be more :
- no phone during personal care
- supervised or no personal care
- day to day care is mostly me due to his hours anyway and my Mum is my emergency contact and go to if we needed her to watch baby.
- educating our children age appropriately around privacy, pants, online safety, healthy relationships
- Family network to all understand signs of abuse
- courses we can go on through LFF, NSPCC, Inform etc
This was all suggested with our meeting with SS and MAPPA but we felt everything we said wasn't enough and a conversation wasn't had around it, just brushed over and carried on. We even discussed cameras in the house (we have 2 for when our dog was a puppy so I could check on them and they are still used now) as well as installing door alarms if necessary. We are willing to work with them to keep our family together.
I have expressed to SS that I do understand the potential risks and you can never be 100% trusting but I also know everything and if I thought he was going to hurt our child we wouldn't be getting married and be having a baby.
I used to work with children so explained how I've done alot of safeguarding training and informed them my child come first no matter what.
Post deleted by user
Update :
Last night we receives an email with the assessment, it was mostly what we expected but some facts were wrong and some were missing. Nothing I had said in my meeting about the safety plan ideas my OH and I had discussed had been included in the report. There was of course alot around his ongoing porn use and how they don’t feel he has dealt with this. We mentioned to them about how he was willing to give up his smart phone and have restrictions on the wifi to aid him, this was not mentioned in the report either. Or that he he contacted the stopso therapist again to address his addiction. The summary is that they feel I do not understand the extent of how his offences have affected others and that it needs to be unpicked further or that my OH has groomed me. It states after that their concern is that I could put his needs before my child and put them at risk - of course I disagree but have no idea how to disprove this other than showing willingness to work with them and to attend any courses to further my knowledge and understanding. It doesn’t seem to matter that we have seen a stopso therapist and unpicked how he ended up in the situation (not that it excuses what he did. Which I emphasised to them). They are adamant he is attracted to children and accessed the chat room for gratification.
Last night we receives an email with the assessment, it was mostly what we expected but some facts were wrong and some were missing. Nothing I had said in my meeting about the safety plan ideas my OH and I had discussed had been included in the report. There was of course alot around his ongoing porn use and how they don’t feel he has dealt with this. We mentioned to them about how he was willing to give up his smart phone and have restrictions on the wifi to aid him, this was not mentioned in the report either. Or that he he contacted the stopso therapist again to address his addiction. The summary is that they feel I do not understand the extent of how his offences have affected others and that it needs to be unpicked further or that my OH has groomed me. It states after that their concern is that I could put his needs before my child and put them at risk - of course I disagree but have no idea how to disprove this other than showing willingness to work with them and to attend any courses to further my knowledge and understanding. It doesn’t seem to matter that we have seen a stopso therapist and unpicked how he ended up in the situation (not that it excuses what he did. Which I emphasised to them). They are adamant he is attracted to children and accessed the chat room for gratification.
Hello. Hope that you are ok and congratulations on your pregnancy.
I am in agreement with Lee here. I can see that you have put a lot of work in, however, addiction will strip you of everything and never goes to sleep. If you were invited to someone's house and asked to leave your child there and you knew that person was a convicted sex offender whose porn addiction had lead him to commit the crime that he did, and you knew that he had done some work on himself but was still watching porn. Would you leave your child there? That is exactly how SS are looking at it.
Recovery is an inside job, it requires surrender to your old self and abstinence. Its not old behaviour if your still doing it. I would suggest SAA meetings it's a 12 step programme find a group thats men only, if you haven't got any meetings near you you can access them by zoom, the meetings are anonymous and are very helpful.
If he gets into action and is serious about giving up porn it will give you both the best possible start with your baby. It's not easy but its definitely not impossible. Addiction is powerful but so is recovery and I wish you both all the very best. X
I am in agreement with Lee here. I can see that you have put a lot of work in, however, addiction will strip you of everything and never goes to sleep. If you were invited to someone's house and asked to leave your child there and you knew that person was a convicted sex offender whose porn addiction had lead him to commit the crime that he did, and you knew that he had done some work on himself but was still watching porn. Would you leave your child there? That is exactly how SS are looking at it.
Recovery is an inside job, it requires surrender to your old self and abstinence. Its not old behaviour if your still doing it. I would suggest SAA meetings it's a 12 step programme find a group thats men only, if you haven't got any meetings near you you can access them by zoom, the meetings are anonymous and are very helpful.
If he gets into action and is serious about giving up porn it will give you both the best possible start with your baby. It's not easy but its definitely not impossible. Addiction is powerful but so is recovery and I wish you both all the very best. X
Well we had our CIN meeting. Which wasn't what I expected, the SW just went over points of the assessment, asked for the midwife's input (it wasn't my midwife and she didn't know much, so wasn't really helpful in any case). I had to ask the SW what her concerns were and what risks she felt were posed to our child, she had 1 - that my OH could take and upload photos online. We attended a session with the stopso therapy and she gave us some websites and books to look. As my partner hasn't accessed porn for nearly 2 months and has found strategies she believes rather than addiction it's a habit and will continue to work with him. As for SS, we are moving to a new team to work on our family plan and hope to move forward positively.
Hi how are things for you know I was reading your post are you all allowed to stay together with a safety plan in place ?