Family and Friends Forum

djmichelle

Member since
April 2020

28 posts

My son had only just turned 16 ,when we got the first knock .He had thousands of all cats on his computer,and I thought it was the worst time of my life .after about a year he was given a caution.We had used lff,for therapy,and as he became an adult ,he had age appropriate relationships ,including intercourse,got an amazing job,and life was good .

We got the second knock over a year ago,my son swore it was nothing to do with him,and about 10 months later all devices were returned clean .

Fast forward ,another knock ,this time he was arrested and driven 3 hours away .He was held for 36 hours ,so I knew it was serious,remanded,and taken straight to court ,it seems he had made a fake FB account and was talking to a young girl of a sexual nature and has been charged with grooming ,and has been remanded until his case goes to crown in a month.

I feel so sick .I never brushed anything under the carpet .We had had therapy with lff after the first knock ,and he knew if he was struggling he could have talked to me,I wouldn't have judged or he knew where to go for help .Many times I would ask ,do you feel that was just a phase you were going through ...we talked about things .He has just lied and lied .I believe he is a psychopath,and not only has he destroyed his life ,but also mine .He is up in crown court in less than a month and I am praying that as it is a three hour drive away ,it might avoid press here,as my life will be over if it gets out .I am completely suicidal.I told him,I wouldn't stand by him a second time,and yet he still did it .There are no words ,I'm struggling like never before

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 5:10am
Edited Fri March 24, 2023 5:11amReport post

Daffodil

Member since
March 2022

965 posts

Post deleted


Posted Fri March 24, 2023 6:16am
Edited Tue October 24, 2023 9:12amReport post

michelle1970

Member since
April 2020

2 posts

Thank you ,I really feel broken ????,there are no words are there ???? Given the fact that my son KNEW I'd help him with no stigma attached .I can't get my head around it at all !!he's not the person I thought he was and it's soooooo hurtful it really is xx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 6:44amReport post

Dragonmama

Member since
November 2022

269 posts

There really isn't much I can say to this accept I hope that nothing is reported in local news for you, please go and see your doctor or get some form of help for feeling suicidal. I know the likelihood is you don't really want to pop off this mortal coil but the thoughts are still present and can be disturbing. You deserve better and so much more than what you have been given xx



sending love hope and strength to you and lots of hugs xxx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 7:58amReport post

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Every emotion you are feeling is valid and to be expected given the repeated trauma you have experienced. The love and support you've shown to your son is to be admired, many would have walked away before this point. You have absolutely no control over future events just as you had no control over the behaviour of your son. Despite your evident non judgemental support and unconditional love he has made repeated choices knowing the potential consequences, he had control where you did not.

He is your son but he is his own person. You have gone above and beyond and you did everything you possibly could. Your focus now needs to redirect inwards. Seek support for you, for your well-being and your mental health. Please speak to someone about your suicidal thoughts. Build your strength. You need to become your priority now. This world needs more people like you not less. x

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 8:17amReport post

Kt

Member since
January 2023

180 posts

Ah this is heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry you are going through this again.

I hope and pray that it stays out of the media for you. Please look after yourself and look at getting some help for those dark thoughts. Xxx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 8:31amReport post

Quand

Member since
February 2022

79 posts

Hello DJ. After reading your post my heart goes out to you. I can imagine the shock...Us Mothers on here we do understand. You have been placed in a terrible position, there is not much you can do now except hold on for dear life...and hold on you will. That feeling of sinking sand is so overwhelming, reach out for help we are all here for you, take it minute by minute. Please don't let the fear consume you to the point that you make a rash decision. Sending so much love to you. Xxx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 9:55amReport post

MywholeWorld

Member since
February 2023

37 posts

My heart really goes out to you DJ. Please take some time for yourself and reach out for help if you think you need it. As a mother we always want to protect our children, we love them unconditionally which you have done for your son. You did your best for him and you will continue to do so. You have no blame here. I hope that it stays out of the media and that somehow taking it just minute by minute you are able to get through this.

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 10:31amReport post

SoTired

Member since
March 2021

413 posts

Post deleted by user


Posted Fri March 24, 2023 11:34am
Edited Fri March 24, 2023 10:48pmReport post

Polly Pocket

Member since
May 2022

440 posts

I'm so sorry. Just so incredibly sorry.

Sending you love and strength xxx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 12:37pmReport post

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2743 posts

I feel for you. This journey certainly brings you to your knees - right to the edge. I really don't know how I'd feel if my son went on to reoffend when he's released from prison.

I think I'd be quite angry with him to be honest. You've been a gem to support him. Not a lot to offer but just want to send you a hug x

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 12:58pmReport post

Bluebellblue

Member since
September 2022

27 posts

Post deleted


Posted Fri March 24, 2023 1:08pm
Edited Thu November 9, 2023 10:45amReport post

Seaside

Member since
July 2022

581 posts

I am so very sorry.

You are not alone though we are all here for you and please reach out for help .

Sending you lots of hugs and strength x

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 1:44pmReport post

Another worried mum

Member since
December 2022

136 posts

Oh michelle. I am on here because of my son ,my greatest fear is that we go through all this agony and trauma and he then re offends. I totally get how lost ,let down and devastated you must feel. We too have told our son that we will be with him all the way on this journey but if he does it again I really dont think we could stand by him.(easier said than done I know) I think if I was your friend I would be advising you to take a step back, let this be his rock bottom and see what he is prepared to do to address his behaviour on his own. (Disclaimer dont honestly know if I could practice what I preach)You sound like you have given him all you can. He has made choices knowing the potential consequences and knowing how it could affect you. My heart breaks for you because as a mum I understand your pain.

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 2:13pmReport post

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2502 posts

djmichelle

Hi lovely my heart really does go out to you and I am so sorry xx

As everyone had already said there are no words except we are all here for you and please reach out for support

Be kind to yourself firstly you have done nothing wrong and been there for your son

Sending hugs, you are not alone xx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 2:53pmReport post

michelle1970

Member since
April 2020

2 posts

Post deleted by user


Posted Fri March 24, 2023 4:00pm
Edited Fri March 24, 2023 4:00pmReport post

djmichelle

Member since
April 2020

28 posts

I had a long talk with him today,and he told me how he had rang the Samaritans last night.

He said mum I've never said this ,but when this is over I need to get long term help and regular meetings like you had for gamblers anonymous,because I have a problem and I need help .

I know it's come late,but at least he's admitting it and knows it needs addressing .

My heart is just breaking for both of us as I still love him ,and this is a disease,I don't believe it's a lifestyle choice .

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 4:01pm
Edited Fri March 24, 2023 4:07pmReport post

djmichelle

Member since
April 2020

28 posts

Can I just thank everyone for their kind words ,it helps so much .I never thought I would have to tell my story again ,but unfortunately here I am xxx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 4:09pmReport post

Alison20

Member since
March 2021

435 posts

Hello djmichelle

After reading your post I felt the need to reply, as I remember you from when you first posted back in 2020.

Sending you lots of strength and thinking of you, with what you are currrently dealing with.

It is good your son has spoken to you today with the realisation that he needs help, that is a huge step in the right direction.

Please take good care of yourself and speak with the LFF helpline for support.

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 5:42pmReport post

Another worried mum

Member since
December 2022

136 posts

So glad you got to speak to him. Its good that he realises the help he needs. Take care of yourself. X

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 6:44pmReport post

SoTired

Member since
March 2021

413 posts

Post deleted by user


Posted Fri March 24, 2023 7:02pm
Edited Fri March 24, 2023 10:49pmReport post

Distressed and pregnant

Member since
November 2020

1204 posts

Hi,

I'm not in the same position as you but I am a mom to two young adults. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling right now but echo what has been said about seeking help for yourself as a priority. You can't pour from an empty cup. It may be possible for your son to call the helpline whilst on remand and begin to take steps to get back on track. It is positive that he has voiced his need for ongoing therapy. Try not to make any big decisions right now about your future relationship unless you absolutely need to for your own sanity. We will all absolutely sit with you through whatever this brings. Love and strength to you xxx

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 8:51pmReport post

Saphire7

Member since
March 2023

20 posts

hi, I'm a bit nervous about posting on here and I don't want to gatecrash someone else's post but I am in a similar position to djmichelle, and going through it again, but for a slightly different reason. It is also my son.

Posted Sat March 25, 2023 11:31amReport post

Another worried mum

Member since
December 2022

136 posts

Oh Saphire. Im so sorry. If you dont mind me asking how old is your son and has he had any sort of counselling?

Posted Mon March 27, 2023 2:51pmReport post

Saphire7

Member since
March 2023

20 posts

sorry, only just seen your question. he is 33, and no he hasn't really had counselling, but he has been to prison before and did the horizon course, and also attended a LFF course when it happened the first time.

Posted Mon March 27, 2023 7:22pmReport post

djmichelle

Member since
April 2020

28 posts

Oh sapphire ,thank you for messaging .If ever you feel the need to chat ,I'm on Mumsnet also as djmichelle. It's just horrendous isn't it ?x

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 10:35amReport post

Kt

Member since
January 2023

180 posts

Hi Djmichelle, I'm so so sorry you are going through this again. I can't imagine how it must feel. My son was also 16 at the time and unfortunately now has turned 18 during this horrendous process, like you Inhave told my son this is the one and inly time I will stand by him, if he was to re offend I have told him he is on his own( would I follow through with that? Who knows) what a horrible world we are now in xxx

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 10:43amReport post

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2743 posts

I agree with that one. I told my son if he does anything like this again he is on his own. I just feel if he does he carnt love us...... or respect the pain we've been through.



Ive put so much at risk by even just talking to him - he has to realise that and hopefully never want to put us through this pain again!

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 10:59amReport post

Saphire7

Member since
March 2023

20 posts

I said that too, that I couldn't and wouldn't go through it again, but here I am. Is it because I supported him last time? so many different emotions this time, not coping too well.

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 11:44amReport post

Another worried mum

Member since
December 2022

136 posts

I third this, as I said further up in the comments Myself and my husband can not do this a second time. We are giving him every opportunity to access the help he needs. We will pay whatever it takes. If he comes to us in the future BEFORE offending again looking for help we will get it for him with no judgement. It sounds like this poor mum did all that so it terrifies me.It would kill me but I would have to leave him to his own devices. I would point him in the right direction but he would have to do it alone. Just writing this breaks my heart so how I would cope in real life I dont know.

I wish those who are going through this strength to make the right decision for you. Sending Love. We are all here to support whatever xx

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 12:25pmReport post

Another worried mum

Member since
December 2022

136 posts

Saphire, so sorry for your situation. Sending you strength, please come on here as much as you need you will get great advice and support.

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 12:29pmReport post

Crushed

Member since
July 2024

158 posts

Djmichelle I'm so sorry this happened again. I am contacting you as my son is in a similar position as your son was first time. My son is 15 and we had the first knock, devices have been taken and lots of images will be found I think. I know you said your son got a caution first time. Did he have to go to court at all? I'm just wondering what the process may be. Thank you so much and I hope your son is doing okay? X

Posted Sun August 11, 2024 11:09amReport post

Quick exit