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We had the knock in the last few months. My person was arrested on suspicion of accessing indecent images on the dark web 4 years ago. I believe he has done it and personally believe he has done it prior to this date too, but have good reason to believe it hasn't happened for at least 3-4 years.
They've taken all our devices and we had a lot, in the teens and around 10 laptops. I'm guessing this means we're in for a long haul.
I'm feeling heartbroken today as a friend has just announced her 2nd pregnancy. We have a toddler the same age and the same month the knock happened we had intended, with excitement and joy, to try for a 2nd baby. It hurts so much that the future I wanted has been taken away from me. I don't have many childbearing years left, maybe 2-3 max. I never wanted an only child. It just feels unbelievably unfair right now. As if to rub it in, my 2nd period since conceiving my toddler started today!
We are going to lose our home due to being unable to afford him living elsewhere whilst paying the mortgage. We've also paid hefty solicitors fees for pre charges work, which we don't even know will make any difference; they don't seem to have done much so far. He is the main earner. When charges come, which we are expecting they will, he will lose his job. It scares me how probation can stop you getting a job in the future.
I know he's likely done something terrible but the punishment on me and our toddler is just unbearable. Our child's grandparents know and I've told one friend and that's it. Everything feels so fake. We're separated but would like reunification if we can get therapy and support. There's a lot of love there and our relationship was great, never any issues and we were a brilliant team. But I don't know what social services etc. would make of that.
We had a big social life and I don't know whether to allow him to come to events with children or not. I'm confident he's not attracted to children, rather has a porn addiction that strayed into illegal territory. He's got an app now and hasn't accessed any porn for months.
I'd love advice on whether to pay for him to do courses now (would that look like admission of guilt?) Or wait til post charges?
Should we get his risk assessed now, or wait til later?
Should he get therapy now or later? I worry that this would amount to an admission of guilt and could I crease the charges/worsen the situation.
Will his history having worked for years with kids, including at the time of the alleged offences, count against him? (He hasn't worked with kids for years now)
Is it best he changes his name now or later? I never fully changed from my maiden name. Our child has his current name. I'm debating changing my toddler's to my maiden, OR changing my name to my married and making my person change his so that my toddler won't have a name change.
Should we move area now (other than child's nursery we have no ties to the area and only moved here a year ago. Nearest family iswell over an hour away) or wait til after potential sentencing? I don't want to sell and buy in the same area to have to move again quickly, I also don't want to buy in a new area and go to the effort of making new friends and settling my child into a new nursery for it to change again.
One positive is I have professional experience with SS and was able to work productively with them, and I'm able to do as much supervised contact as I like which is giving our child normality in the evenings and on weekends. I know I'm luckier than many in that regard. I also think staying within the LA area might benefit me if the SWs here have a realistic understanding of risk and don't just assume the worst as some stories on here suggest.
It's so hard though. Sending love and strength to you all
They've taken all our devices and we had a lot, in the teens and around 10 laptops. I'm guessing this means we're in for a long haul.
I'm feeling heartbroken today as a friend has just announced her 2nd pregnancy. We have a toddler the same age and the same month the knock happened we had intended, with excitement and joy, to try for a 2nd baby. It hurts so much that the future I wanted has been taken away from me. I don't have many childbearing years left, maybe 2-3 max. I never wanted an only child. It just feels unbelievably unfair right now. As if to rub it in, my 2nd period since conceiving my toddler started today!
We are going to lose our home due to being unable to afford him living elsewhere whilst paying the mortgage. We've also paid hefty solicitors fees for pre charges work, which we don't even know will make any difference; they don't seem to have done much so far. He is the main earner. When charges come, which we are expecting they will, he will lose his job. It scares me how probation can stop you getting a job in the future.
I know he's likely done something terrible but the punishment on me and our toddler is just unbearable. Our child's grandparents know and I've told one friend and that's it. Everything feels so fake. We're separated but would like reunification if we can get therapy and support. There's a lot of love there and our relationship was great, never any issues and we were a brilliant team. But I don't know what social services etc. would make of that.
We had a big social life and I don't know whether to allow him to come to events with children or not. I'm confident he's not attracted to children, rather has a porn addiction that strayed into illegal territory. He's got an app now and hasn't accessed any porn for months.
I'd love advice on whether to pay for him to do courses now (would that look like admission of guilt?) Or wait til post charges?
Should we get his risk assessed now, or wait til later?
Should he get therapy now or later? I worry that this would amount to an admission of guilt and could I crease the charges/worsen the situation.
Will his history having worked for years with kids, including at the time of the alleged offences, count against him? (He hasn't worked with kids for years now)
Is it best he changes his name now or later? I never fully changed from my maiden name. Our child has his current name. I'm debating changing my toddler's to my maiden, OR changing my name to my married and making my person change his so that my toddler won't have a name change.
Should we move area now (other than child's nursery we have no ties to the area and only moved here a year ago. Nearest family iswell over an hour away) or wait til after potential sentencing? I don't want to sell and buy in the same area to have to move again quickly, I also don't want to buy in a new area and go to the effort of making new friends and settling my child into a new nursery for it to change again.
One positive is I have professional experience with SS and was able to work productively with them, and I'm able to do as much supervised contact as I like which is giving our child normality in the evenings and on weekends. I know I'm luckier than many in that regard. I also think staying within the LA area might benefit me if the SWs here have a realistic understanding of risk and don't just assume the worst as some stories on here suggest.
It's so hard though. Sending love and strength to you all
Hi.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in the club no one wants to be a member of.
I won't give advise about SS as I'm sure you don't need it. What I would say is, put you and your child first. Don't jump to decisions or rush into spending on courses.
He can get a specilist therapist from Stop SO charity. He will need to pay, but he will find it beneficial and it will show that he is working on himself.
The best advise I can give is to use this forum. We won't judge, we have al felt everything you are feeling.
This forum is like a life support for so many of us. We're like a family who don't know each others names x
I'm so sorry you find yourself in the club no one wants to be a member of.
I won't give advise about SS as I'm sure you don't need it. What I would say is, put you and your child first. Don't jump to decisions or rush into spending on courses.
He can get a specilist therapist from Stop SO charity. He will need to pay, but he will find it beneficial and it will show that he is working on himself.
The best advise I can give is to use this forum. We won't judge, we have al felt everything you are feeling.
This forum is like a life support for so many of us. We're like a family who don't know each others names x
Inthemoment, these investigations can take a long time (sometimes over two years)
Technically nothing is stopping you from trying for a second child, if that's what you really want, as long as you stick to the safety plan of social services.
There are women on here who got pregnant after the knock. They do face harsh restrictions from social services, but it can be done.
Technically nothing is stopping you from trying for a second child, if that's what you really want, as long as you stick to the safety plan of social services.
There are women on here who got pregnant after the knock. They do face harsh restrictions from social services, but it can be done.
Hi so sorry you find yourself here. Sorry No words of wisdom just sending a virtual hug. Only thing I can say is that if the alleged offences happened 4 years ago and he hasn't gone down that dark path since, then surely that shows that he is not a risk to children? Which must be a mitigating factor? How can it take 4 years for the police to come knocking? That's actually crazy??
Be kind to yourself sending love
Be kind to yourself sending love
Thank you for the supportive comments. I think it can take this long when for example they crack a dark web site that hosts these images and need to check through all IP addresses. But I agree he's got a long history of not offending already so I'm hoping that goes in his favour
My heart goes out to you .Isn't it terrible how through no fault of our own are lives are ruined just my association ?.
It is such a horrible place to be .
I always told my son I would never again stand by him after the first time when he was 16,but here I am again .I love him and I know he's scared on remand ,and will probably be given a custodial sentence .how can I not be there for him .
It's such a horrible time ,I'm sending you love and hugs ,stay strong x
It is such a horrible place to be .
I always told my son I would never again stand by him after the first time when he was 16,but here I am again .I love him and I know he's scared on remand ,and will probably be given a custodial sentence .how can I not be there for him .
It's such a horrible time ,I'm sending you love and hugs ,stay strong x
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Hi HelpMe,
Thanks for the comments and info for the courses.
Just to clarify, I absolutely do think my person could be a risk. Based on my own information and research, I think the likelihood is low, but I wouldn't be betting/risking my child's life on it.
Right now, because he remains unassessed by professionals and we do not have the outcome of the forensics, I must treat him as an unknown risk. Having said that, his bail conditions allow him to carry on in life relatively nornally as long as he's not left unsupervised with an under 18, hence the thoughts about continuing to attend pre arranged family events/days out.
Thanks for the comments and info for the courses.
Just to clarify, I absolutely do think my person could be a risk. Based on my own information and research, I think the likelihood is low, but I wouldn't be betting/risking my child's life on it.
Right now, because he remains unassessed by professionals and we do not have the outcome of the forensics, I must treat him as an unknown risk. Having said that, his bail conditions allow him to carry on in life relatively nornally as long as he's not left unsupervised with an under 18, hence the thoughts about continuing to attend pre arranged family events/days out.